I’ve been going back and forth about posting this today, because I don’t really like talking about what’s going on with me personally. Yeah I write about what goes on during the week, but it’s mostly always in a funny way. When I originally decided to start this blog it was going to be about what’s going on with me in every aspect of my life, but it ultimately became what it is today with more funny stories, and not a lot of how I feel. What I’m going to write about today is something that changed me, and I felt this is the only way that I can finally let it out and not let it simmer anymore.
A year ago today one of the most important people in my life passed away. It’s hard to believe how fast time flies by. All day today I was having flash backs of last year, waking up in the middle of the night to my mom crying, then going to the hospital and seeing you. Then spending the rest of the day with my mom making funeral arrangements. Then the next day being at the funeral home and just feeling like I had to lock it down and be strong for everybody. I wouldn’t let myself fully be there. It was all so surreal; it’s still hard for me to believe that your not around anymore, that I can’t just call you to see what your up to. It didn’t really hit me until a couple of months after, because you were in the hospital for so long I didn’t see you as much so I guess in my mind I just thought you were still in the hospital. Until one day I was going to call you, and I realized your really not here anymore. I just can’t go over and pick you up and go on our little adventures; that I can’t call you anymore to ask you for advice, or vent about how my mom managed to piss me off.
Everyday I regret not being there for you more in that last year. I was so wrapped up in my stupid shit I didn’t try hard enough. I just figured that you would come back home, and things would go back to the way they were. I remember one of the times I went to visit you we were planning on going to a Yankee game when you got out of the hospital, so we could see Derek Jeter in his last year before he retired. We had planned on running on to the field and try to grab his ass. Well you were just going to grab his ass, I had other ideas and we laughed about how funny it was going to be to call my parents to bail us out of jail.
Not once in the months did I think you weren’t going to be fine. Never ever did I think the worst was going to happen, and fuck, it hurts so much not to have you around any more. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there like I should’ve been. I should’ve been there every fucking day. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like I let you down, and I just can’t get over it. After everything you’ve done for me through out my life, I should’ve done more for you. I know that you can’t see this, but I hope you know that I will do everything I can possibly do to take care and watch out for J. I love you and miss you more than you’ll ever know. Rest In Peace Titi.
Love You from all the Moons in the Universe and Back,
Mimi (just so you know J is going to do amazing things and I know your proud of him, you’ve raised an amazing young man.)