Wedding Bells are Ringing…They’re Not Mine.

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile.” Do you ever feel like busting out into some Lionel Richie! No? Just me? Well, that got awkward. Anyyyyyy who, I’m baaaaaaaack and I had so many stories to tell you, but I’ve been slacking and not writing my stories down in my notes, and as you know I have horrible memory. But trust me they were going to be epic and hilarious and all the magical things you could imagine. Never fear though because I do have a little story to tell you about a girl and a wedding.

Once upon a time there was a girl (let’s call her Emily) and she went to a wedding (let’s say it was yesterday). Emily danced all night, drank about the same amount as she danced (she also didn’t get drunk if you were wondering… I know I am just as surprised as you!). She basically had the best time ever with her friends! After this magical night where one of her close friends married the love of her life. 

I’m telling you their love story is straight out of a fairytale. It’s one of the most beautiful things to witness from the beginning to their happily ever after. It’s stories like theirs that make you believe in true love and soulmates.

Ok ok back to the story. After this magical wedding Emily started thinking of her own future wedding. Emily always thought that she would just do a quick Vegas thing and just save the money for the most awesomeballz honeymoon ever! But now she finds herself thinking about who she would chose to be her bridesmaids, and that she might actually have her brother as man of honor and cousin as bridesman. She’s also thinking about the color scheme and venue and that she would like a beach, garden or vineyard venue. She might also have a Pinterest board full of wedding related things. Also she’s already decided on the song for her first dance with her future husband. ( La vie en rose by Edith Piaf)So moral of the story is I might actually want a wedding and all that jazz…and I can thank the newlyweds for that.

Ta ta for now! 
Love Ya From The Moon and Back,

Emily ( first things first I need to find me some husband material candidates… I must go now)

Birthday Shenanigans!

Soooooo my inner sloth took over yesterday and decided not to do anything productive, basically I was super lazy and laid in bed all day and caught up on some show… it was magical! Anywho because I was away in New Orleans a couple weeks ago everything is out of order in my life. Last week I had to tell you all about my adventures in such a beautiful city, but I also wanted to write about my birthday shenanigans and there was a huge battle in my head for who shall win aaaaaaand if you read last week New Orleans won. BUT TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! For those that don’t know I celebrated my 6th anniversary of turning 21 years of age a little over a week ago. ‘Twas a weekend spent in the city ( for those who don’t know what city I’m referring to… I be talking about The Big Apple, NYC… In New Yoooooork concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Wow thank you Alicia Keys that was beautiful)

My Birthday weekend extravaganza started out very tamed. On Friday the day of my birth I was with my family. We put some yum yums in my tum tums, then came back home stayed up talking shit and reminiscing. We laughed we cried we laughed some more it was a great night.

Saturday day night is were sh🌙t got cray cray. Me, my brother and a couple of my friends went to the Strip Club!! It was a night to remember. I got some titties in my face. Let me tell you these ladies have the smoothest skin I’ve ever felt in my life! Also I learned that I’m horrible at the whole strip club thing. I did nothing like what I’ve seen on TV. I was gently placing dollars on the floor and when one of the ladies came closer a told me to slap her ass, I gently tapped it… even she was like “girl!! Slap my ass!!” And proceeded to grab my wrist and made me slap her bum. I was even worried that I would give the girls a paper cut…It was hilarious. One of the ladies gave me the biggest compliment of my entire life… the following is how the conversation went (well from what I can remember): 

Exotic Dancer: hi the most awesome person I’ve ever seen in my life I heard it was your birthday…come here (pulls my head to her breasts and shimmies)

Me: (blushing profusely thoughout the night) *giggling* yea it is…thanks. (Gently placed dollar in her g-string) 

Lady that Dances on poles: do you have some Asian in your family. ( crawls on floor)

Me: *gasp* yes I do… can you really tell?

Woman whom shakes her Tatas: yes you look a little Hawaiian! (Pulls g-string open for some mula)

Me: (gently places money in said pulled g-string) Oh my gosh stop it… you’re making me blush!

Lovely lady in nothing but a g-string: really… you look like Moana!!!

Me: OMG I LOVE YOU!!! I’ve always wanted to be a part of Disney!!! (Turns to Frenemy) she said I look like Moana!!! MOANA!! I love her!! How did she know just what to say to me!! (Gave the rest of the money in my hand to the nice lady)

And that was the highlight of the night for me.

 Also, my brother did a T-Pain and went and fell in love with a stripper… so now I might have a future Stripper In-Law. 

Well that’s all for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( or should I say Moana)

Hello New Orleans!

Guys there’s so many things I need to write about, but I should probably start with my trip to New Orleans buuuuut I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened. Before you start jumping to conclusions I was not that drunk that I blacked out, I just have horrible memory. The following is what I do remember:

1. I, Emily, might have gotten on top of a bar and taken a shot named “blow job” where hands were not allowed… yeah I know SCANDALOUS!

2. There was a tour of the beautiful city of New Orleans by a woman named Sandy from Houston… I know Confucius… but she did say she’s lived in NOLA for 30 years ( I think that’s what she said I could be making that up).

3. There was alcohol being sipped at all hours of the day (some from penis straws and sometimes on roofs… yea we like to live dangerously). 

4. Omg the BEIGNETS!!! Were freaking heavenly!!! Cafe du Monde was amazing!!

5. French Quarter Festival was great… so many types of food everywhere. My stomach was not happy with me when I got home but I was happy when I was eating it so that’s all that matters!

6. Bourbon Street was like I always pictured it… bars lining both sides of me, live music in the middle of the streets, delicious drinks, and people everywhere!

7. A lot of penis related games occurred.

Well that’s about all I can remember… next time I go away I’m gonna take some notes I promise (as we all know that’s probably not going to happen because I won’t remember I promised this so don’t hold me accountable) Ta Ta for now!

Love Ya From The Moon and Back,
Emily (traveler extraordinaire!) 

APRIL, HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?!?

HELLO APRIL, The best month ever! “But Emily, why is April the best month ever?”. I’m glad you asked. There are a lot of reasons, the first and most important one being is that I, Emily, was born in the month of April twenty-one plus years ago (for those who really want to know my age I was born in 1990… you do the math I’m not gonna make this easy on you… although I have mentioned it in previous posts, just saying…you might not want to do math, and I don’t blame you!). There you have it the main reason April is the freaking best is the day of my birth ( just in case anybody wants to get me an extravagant present, you still have time my special day isn’t until the 21st so get on!).

Another reason why Abril (April in Spanish) is fantabulous is because I will be in NEW ORLEANS next weekend!!!! I’m so freaking excited!! This will be my first time going and I can’t wait to see all the magical things NOLA has to offer!! The second best thing about going to NOLA, is the build-up for it. This past week I’ve been buying little things I might need, and of course I need some sluttie outfits. Because I’m not going down there just for the fun of it. Okay, well I am but there’s a bigger reason. I’m going down there for a bachelorette weekend!!! So there will be an abundance of alcohol consumption, hopefully some nakedness happens, and just a whole bunch of shenanigans that I will most likely not remember and I CANT WAIT!!

So basically what I’m trying to tell you is that there will be no post next Sunday, because 1. I will not be in my bathroom at home to write this to you. And 2. I will hopefully not remember my name for a few hours, so how do you expect me to remember to write a post… that’s really needy and selfish of you. Well that’s all for tonight I must mentally prepare myself for next weekend I’m not as young as I used to be and will need a lot of rest leading up to this adventure. Toodles!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (if I come back Mrs. Emily Some-random-guys-last-name don’t be alarmed, because that’s what I’m hoping for.)

The World of Online Dating… Round 2!

Aaaaaaand welcome back to round two of the disaster that is my life… I mean my “love” life (every time quotation marks are used please know that you must read it the way Dr. Evil would… and if you don’t know whom Sir Dr. Evil is… please don’t take offense to this but… LEAVE, GET OUT RIGHT NOW IT’S THE END OF YOU AND ME!! (Thank you JoJo for that beautiful song). Well I guess you can’t really call it a “love” life if I’m only talking to guys online. So I shall call this my attempt at a possible real world dating life. Yea that sounds much more realistic. This past week I’ve been talking… well more like typing… to three guys (scandalous… I know). 

1. Guy number one… let’s call him Peanut Butter and Jelly. Things started out pretty normal… and that’s odd for me, buuuuuut I went with. Through this normal conversation I found out that PB&J has a cat. I know a CAT!! For those that don’t know, I am NOT a “cat person”. I love all animals but cats just… I don’t like them! They’re assholes and I feel like they always have an attitude and are on the verge of scratching your face off. Sooooo needless to say my future baby daddy… I mean significant other… can NOT have a cat it’s a no go for me. You might be thinking this is where it ends for PB&J, so sorry you shall be wrong. PB&J’s saving grace was that he also has a ferret!!! A freaking ferret! So I was very excited about the turn of events because I’ve always wanted to meet a ferret! After I let PB&J know that his ferret helped him dodge a bullet shot by his cat our conversation headed into much more “Emily-esque” territory. It was great we started talking about quotes that we would want to put on our grave stones… super funny stuff.

2. Hombre numero dos… lets call him Jekyll and Hyde. This conversation was… I want to say was biographical. He just wanted to know my whole life story. Which I feel is super boring. I like to talk about random things that make me think of funny comebacks, but every time I tried something funny he would totally shut it down and ask me some boring question like… “what are your long term goals?”. Honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow… I have no clue what my long term goal is… idk maybe not be broke would be great! All of a sudden he asked me if I had any more pictures. Ooooo you don’t even understand how excited I got. I was like yea I have a lot of pictures… and then J&H was like send me some. So I proceeded to do just that. Below are the pictures I sent Mr. Jekyll and Hyde.

They are amazing I know!!! I had so much fun, buuuuut he was not as amused as I. After that third picture he was like “what’s with all the body parts?”… and I was like “you don’t like them”. I think he was trying to make sure I wasn’t catfishing him or something. But what Mr. Jekyll and Hyde doesn’t understand is that I am waaaaaaay to lazy and also not an asshole to Catfish anyone. Yes, I might be mean on occasion but not that mean. If you’re wondering I still haven’t heard from J&H since that last message.

Finally, Homme nombre trois ( this is suppose to be French… but I’m not exactly sure if it’s correct I google translated it) lets call him Juniper Berry ( I just googled this it’s a real thing). So with JuJu Bee it felt like one of those ice-breaker conversation you would have on the first day of class where you say your name, where you’re from and your major. Yea so basically it was super entertaining (I literally side eyed while typing that) and the conversation hasn’t gone anywhere from there. 
Well there you have it folks… that’s the end of round two.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I think I’m going to be a “dog-lady” when I grow up.)

Did You Know Audiobooks Are Magical?!

I’m super into audiobooks right now. Don’t get me wrong I still love to hold a book in my hands and immerse myself into a new reality for a while (because clearly my life is nothing like a book and there’s no happily ever after in my near future… and I also love the smell of a book don’t judge me), but when I’m at work I can’t do that. Sooooo my next best option is audiobooks!!! Today I found myself thinking… ooo I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow so I can start a new book. I’ve never thought that about work in my life. Even though I love me some audiobooks I do have some improvements that I think would make the listening experience super magical!!! Of course this shall be in list form… and I shall name it Some Improvements That Would Make Audiobooks SUPER Magical! (I’m sooooo good at making up titles)

1. All books should come with a warning that you might cry. Last week I had to catch myself before I started bawling. Audiobook makers I’m at work let a home slice know that tears might be in the near future!!

2. The samples they give you should include the synopsis as well not just jump right into the story without letting me know what I’m getting myself into.

3. Some books have a man and a woman reading… which are my favorites! Some of these guys voices are delicious… any way in chapters that only a man is narrating or a woman is there is some dialogue that is from the opposite sex, and the person narrating that chapter imitates that person speaking, but I believe if there is dialogue for a woman or man during the chapter that’s narrated by the opposite sex the actor or actress should jump in and be their character even if it’s not their chapter. I think it would make the story flow and sound better. I know I probably explained that horribly wrong but it made sense in my head so it’s gonna stay like that.

Ta ta for now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (I know what you’re thinking, yes I want to be one of those people that narrates novels… I have been told that I have a beautiful speaking voice!)

I’ll Always Remember The Night I Lost An Hour!

A couple of years ago… (I’m pretty sure it was 2011 because I remember thinking it’s not illegal to drink when you’re gonna be 21 in a month right?) me and a couple of my friends went to a bar about five blocks from my house. This bar was having a St. Patrick’s Day party. There was corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, more corned beef (there was a lot of food I just don’t remember it all it’s been years and I have trouble remembering what I did an hour ago you can’t expect me to remember what I did 6 years ago!) but most importantly there was a lot of alcohol! 

I got extremely hammered. When I say hammered I mean I drank enough that you could probably open a tap on me and serve my alcohol laced blood… it was some serious shit. I remember there being a lot of shots a couple Yjeger?… jyeger? (how the f🌙ck do you spell this…hold on I must go google…it’s actually super easy to spell… Jesus Emily!) Jagerbombs and I’m pretty sure there were beers. The best part about all this is I don’t think I paid for a damn thing. I remember having money going in and the next day there was still money in my wallet… sooooo I call that a win.So that night I remember going outside the bar a calling this guy I liked back then…just so everyone knows I’m one of those people that likes to drunk dial, well now it’s more drunk text because I hate talking to people, but back then I was really into talking to people on the phone, ok well more like just talking to this one guy on the phone… as I was saying I was talking to this guy and I remember him asking me to go with him to NYC because he didn’t want me out drinking without him (again so everyone knows I hate traveling to The City, even though it’s only about a 15 min bus ride in I still hate it, but once I’m there I have the best time it’s just getting the motivation of actually going that kills it for me). I told this kid he was f🌙cking nuts, one I would have to meet up with him in my already extremely inebriated state and then he expected me to hang out like this, like I said he was f🌙cking nuts. Any way he got mad at me and then I got even more mad because he was mad at me and the alcohol taking up residency in my blood stream didn’t help the situation… I know I know I’m super surprised that I remember this much from this night, but this night is engraved in my brain.

So in my pissed off state I wanted to go home. Boobielicious and I started walking to my house from this bar at like 1:30ish or something. Boobielicious was meeting up with a friend of hers close to my house so she decided to walk with me. When I finally got home its was THREE O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!! It shouldn’t have taken me and my friend an HOUR to get back to my house!!! This bar was 5 blocks away from my house!! When I say 5 blocks I literally mean 5 blocks. So I was really confused and wondered if I blacked out or if I decided to take the extremely long way home… which basically would be me walking around my whole town because it’s not that big for it to take me an hour to get home from a bar that was FIVE BLOCKS AWAY!!! 

Soooo long story short…even though I basically already gave you the whole story… the next morning when I woke up (basically on my death bed) and went to get some water the clock on the kitchen stove said it was 10am which matched what my phone said. For some of you you might be thinking “well yeah that’s what clocks should do… tell the right time” well you see the clock in my kitchen only tells the correct time about 6 months out of the year… the other 6 months it’s usually an hour ahead. That is when I figured out where that hour went… it was daylight savings time. Well there you have it… that is how I lost an hour and it was also the last time I got that drunk… I think.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( I really am extremely impressed with myself that I remembered that much from that night considering my already bad memory and the amount of drinks I had)

Is My Right Side My Good Side?

So this week has been super interesting. So many things happened to me I don’t even know where to start. 

I’m lying nothing happened this week. Ok well maybe two somewhat eventful things happened to me. The first thing is I had a root canal done this past Wednesday, and let me tell you the things you think of when someone is all up in your grill and you can’t speak is pretty interesting. 

A couple of thoughts popped into my head, but I don’t remember them all…I couldn’t write them down as it happened because my tooth was being shaved down and dental tools that look like push pins were being jabbed into my tooth chamber or maybe it was root chamber idk I’m pretty sure I heard the dentist say something like that or I could’ve just made it up… honestly who knows at this point. In other words I wasn’t able to move or I might’ve lost the left side of my face. 

There were about four things that I remember thinking during my tooth surgery and they go a little something like this:

1. Sir Dentist you should have a little camera attached to your head light thing and the office should have a tv on the ceiling so you can stream everything to the tv so I can watch what’s going on because I’m extremely bored just laying here while you drill into my tooth homeboy.

2. I wonder if those push pin looking things are his version of a scalpel. (I also imagined him saying to his helper “let’s save some teeth today” you know a dentist version of Dr. McDreamy aka Dr. Shepard aka Patrick Dempsey from Greys Anatomy little saying he would say before he started some very elaborate brain surgery).

3. I wish people were telepathic so I could ask Dr Dentist (I clearly do not know the mans name that was all up in my mouth… hehehe that sounds so dirty) about the root canal. Like why isn’t your helper using her suction thing to get the saliva that is currently congregating in the back of my throat and about to drown me? And also why did you become a dentist this is horrible? And also do I have any boogies in my nose I don’t remember if I cleaned it out before I came here, but I did make sure to brush my teeth so you wouldn’t smell the everything bagel I had for lunch today.

4. I hope my mom didn’t order food without me I’m super hungry.
4 1/2. I’m gonna get soup from the Chinese place on the corner.

5. I wonder how long all the anesthesia Senor (Sir) Dentista injected into my gums is going to last. I’m not even sure I have a left side to my face anymore… I don’t feel it.

6. I wonder how I’ll look with half a face. Would I be like two face… no he has two different looking faces. I would just have my right side. I would look like those stone sculptures. Is my right side my good side. I hope so because I don’t think I have a left side anymore.

Ok I might’ve remembered more than 4. Well there you have it… that was a little snippet of what goes on in my head. Just imagine how much more nonsense and sense sense I was making in my head.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the second thing that happened was that I went to the birthday celebration keg party of Frover and Frenemy last night… but I’ll save that for another time)

It’s Oscar Night!

In preparation for the Academy Awards Indigo, Royal Blue, another friend ( I haven’t decided what to name him yet) and myself were suppose to watch the movies that were nominated for Best Picture. We did have well over a month to watch all nine movies, buuuuuuut I’m not a procrastinator for nothing. Of course I waited until this last week to get those movies in. Mind you I had only watched two of those nine movies prior to this last week. So basically I had to get my movie watching on. Just to cut out all of that suspense you must be in. I’ll just tell you now, no I did not watch them all and it wasn’t for lack of trying. 

Let me tell you what happened. I only had two movies left to watch before tonight. I attempted one of the two yesterday morning and fell sleep about 20mins in. All I remember seeing was a garbage truck and then credits. I’m not saying this movie was bad by any means. It might’ve just been the fact that I watched  it at around 7 in the morning and was just probably tired. I decided since I fell sleep during that movie I wasn’t going to watch it again… I’ve lost my chance. For that other movie I didn’t see… it just didn’t attract my attention. If a movie I actually wanted to see had me asleep within 20mins, why would I put myself through a movie that I could care less about. Anywho here are my predictions:

And the Oscar goes to ( or is it and the Academy Award goes to… I’m not really sure which one they use I think it’s the Oscar one… I wonder why they call it an Oscar, maybe I should look it up)…

Best Picture: Lion

Best Actor: Andrew Garfield (Hacksaw Ridge)

Best Actress: Emma Stone (La La Land)

Best Animated Film: Moana (absolutely love this movie!)

Best Supporting Actor: Dev Patel (Lion) (also wouldn’t mind if he were my future baby daddy… hey Dev call me 🤙🏽😘)

Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer (Hidden Figures)

 There you have it!! I’m actually very excited about the Oscars this year because I have invested a lot of time watching these movies, but most importantly I’ve invested a lot of tears as well. It’s been a freaking emotional roller coaster! Also I might’ve slightly fallen in love with Dev Patel ( Hey Dev … Sup 😘).

Till next time.

Love ya From the Moon and Back,
Mrs. Emily Patel… I mean Emily ( this might actually be the first time I’m watching the Oscars all the way through)

Dear Evan Hansen

I know you’re wondering “where were you last week… we know you have no life.” Well I actually had plans last Sunday and they were freaking magical! I went to see Dear Evan Hansen with Sluttie McSlutterson and Frover, and when I tell you this show is f🌙cking magical it is MAGICAL!!! 

Leading up to the show me and these slutties knew it was going to be an emotional roller coaster just from the songs we heard before hand, but after watching it last Sunday I’m still trying to recover from the onslaught of emotions that I felt. After leaving the Music Box that night I felt physically and emotionally drained but I’m the best possible way. Dear Evan Hansen is hands down my favorite Broadway musical. This show is so raw and funny and the actors and actresses are all amazing and they really make you feel for these characters. I honestly feel that the best part of this musical is there are no distractions it’s just a stage, a few props, the orchestra, and the phenomenal cast.

I don’t want to say to much about the show because I truly recommend that if you have a chance please go experience Dear Evan Hansen it is the most amazingly beautiful show. You won’t regret it!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (still trying to wrap my mind around everything I saw)