Raging Lunatic? Possibly.

Soooo I’ve found out some serious sh🌙t about my self! When I’m around flies I turn into a raging, vicious fly murdering psycho. “Emily, how did you find this out?” Well ”tis the season of gnats (please pronounce with a hard G) and other flying insects and some of them decided to take up residence in Mi Casa (my house). Yesterday I finally bought a fly swatter and I have been having a grand ole time with it. BUT before I had this swatter I was killing these mofos with my bare hands! Three things have come about because of these invaders. 

1. My reflexes are on another level!!! I see one of those mofos flying around and the next thing you know the woosh (that’s the sounds of my hand flying through the air) Gnat dead! So for that I thank thee intruders.

2. My eyesight and focus are amazing! I can follow those fast flying little f🌙ckers around the room. I just wait and watch them until they land some where and BAM!!! You dead little Gnat!! So thank you for making me better at life.

3. I’m slightly paranoid that the ones I haven’t killed are plotting against me to take over! That’s really my driving force, what if I don’t kill them and they decide to ban together and form one big ass GNAT and attack me and my family! All them little f🌙ckers gots to go… THEY GOTS YO GOOOOO! It’s me or them. Survival of the fittest Bitches!!!

Well now that you all know I’m a raging lunatic I shall be gone now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (quick tip I figured out that if you wrap your fly swatter with tape it’s easier to kill the flies, that way they don’t have a chance to escape through the little slits in the swatter part… nah mean! 😈)

P.S … Ooooo how I wish there was a fly swatter big enough for those alt-right, white nationalist, racist bigots! I must digress and think peaceful thoughts because Game Of Thrones is on in less than and hour and I must be mentally prepared. 

Writers Block or Boring Life? That is the Question.

I have the worst case of, what people like to call, “writers block”. It’s either that or my life is not interesting enough for even ME to want to tell you about. I keep trying to think of something somewhat funny or entertaining and I’ve. Got. NOTHING! I have proof. (please refer to image below)

This is why I’ve been so inconsistent. All these ideas are CRAP! I don’t even know what that revelation is anymore. That ship has sailed! I’m not even joking the only fun thing that’s happened the past couple of months is that Game of Thrones is back on. That’s all I have. So basically my Sundays are the only exciting day of the week for me and it’s only really from 9pm to 10pm. 

Oh Gosh guys, I’m already boring myself… I’ve yawned about 15 times while writing this shit. You know what I’m going to do! Im going to buy the game Twister, take the spinning thing, throw the rest of the game in the garbage ( because my ass can barely bend down to tie my shoes (I don’t wear shows that need laces they’re all slip ons)without hearing something crack… so forget about me trying to play this game). Any who I’m gonna use that spinning thing and around it write things that I’ve always wanted to do. So once a week I’ll spin it and whatever it lands on I’ll most likely not do… but it’s the thought that counts.
Well that’s all I have.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (saddest panda… I hope August has some exciting things up its sleeve.)

The World of Online Dating… round 3!

Tonight is the night is the night is the night!!!(I had a song in my head that sounded disco-y and it said tonight is the night repeatedly… but then I couldn’t remember what came after that so I just tried to google it and I can’t find it… I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this song up, but if I did…I would’ve went triple platinum. THAT is how good it sounded. Anywho back to the reason for the song) GAME OF THRONES IS BACK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I’m so excited!!! Well now that I got that out of my system on to why we are here.

Online dating is a messy, messy, dirty, nasty, horn dog, sluttie cesspool of the not likely going to find “true love” but other not so good things World. So I’ve decided to give those who are brave enough to test those mucky waters some pointers, and of course it shall be in LIST FORM!! (When I said lost form in my head I imagine the words list and form in a muscular bubble version of themselves wearing a cap like a super hero and echoing form, form, form until it faded out… ooo how I crack myself up)

The World of Online Dating… round 3 !

1. Download all those free apps and have yourself a good ole time because FREE is your best friend! 

2. When writing your about me section. Don’t write anything about yourself. What’s the point of getting to know someone of they can read everything about you already. I suggest writing something funny or your favorite quote from a movie. That way when you do get a message from someone you actually have something to talk about. (on one of my many profiles I wrote something along the lines of finding sloths extremely relatable… is it the best quality to put out there NO, but at least they know what they’re getting themselves into). 

3. If you’re going to be the first to initiate contact with… the OTHERS (dun dun duuuuuuun)… start off with something funny. Making people laugh is always a good way to soften them up and TAKE EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER LOVED FROM THEM!! Just kidding don’t take anything from anyone without asking permission… HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!. All joking aside it’s a great ice breaker, and by some crazy chance that person doesn’t respond to you or doesn’t understand your level of funny… tell them GO F🌙CK YOURSELF NOW YOU’LL NEVER KNOW ALL OF DISSSSSS (pointing at yourself.. it doesn’t matter if they can’t see). Or you can just quietly delete them from your life because they weren’t good enough for you anyway.
4. This one is for the guys… don’t be a d🍆ck. When I say d🍆ck I mean don’t send a d🍆ck pick NOBODY wants to see that, and I also mean don’t be a jerk or crude. It’s like that old saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Also ladies don’t be an 🍑hole either… unless the other person starts it then be my guest.
5. Be straightforward tell the person(s) that you’re talking to what you’re looking for. If it’s only for the chitty chitty bang bang, that’s fine just make sure you clearly state that. That also goes for those out there that are looking to get married tomorrow.
6. Finally just have fun…go with the flow you might not meet the love of your life but you’ll learn how to think on your feet and have good come backs for all those pervs out there that are like “so wanna suck my dick”… you can be like ” ooo don’t you need to have one for that to happen” you know something along those lines.
Well there you have it, go do you playa pimp!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (this post should’ve probably been the first one of this series… oooo well to late for that!)

Puppy-Love and Stalkerish Tendencies.

I’m back and creepier than ever. When I say creepier I mean it in the most wonderful way it can possibly sound. You know what Ixnay on the creepier-ay… I could possibly be the next CIA/FBI/Secret Agent/Detective/007, honestly any of those would work that’s how good my (I don’t want to say stalking but if the shoe fits) investigative skills are. I shall give thee a little story on the person you are about to learn about. 

Once upon a time there was a pre-teen (or maybe even teen-teen) and she went by the name of… umm let’s just say she went by the name of… you know what her name was Emily and it was me. Any who this pre-teen/teen-teen met a boy through her neighbor and bestie at the time…we are no longer neighbors nor are we really friends anymore you know how that goes, you get older one of you becomes a little, how you say, sluttie when we were slightly (way) too young for it, so the other one (me) kind of just gradually cuts the sluttie one out of her life. I know I know it was a real sh🌙tty thing to do but I was fucking 14 or some sh🌙t and I didn’t know how to handle it so shut your face and listen to the rest of the story! (We’re still friends in Facebook if that counts)So Emily was introduced to this boy named Garry… his name was Garry with two R’s. So Emily and Garry become really good friends and the best part about this friendship was that his younger cousin lived up the block from her house. They got to hang out all the time and of course Emily fell into puppy love with Garry (with two R’s). This “love” was so serious that practically everyone on the block knew of Emily’s feelings for Garry. As the days went by the kids on the block would play football, tag, manhunt and just hang out on the steps. All of a sudden Garry tells Emily that his family is moving to California. Emily’s little teenager heart was broken she didn’t know how to deal. She had never told Garry that she liked him liked him, so she simply told him that she’d miss him and to keep in touch. 

A year or so passes and Emily is no longer friends with the neighbor that had once been her bestie. Emily is now a freshman (I think) in high school and has somewhat forgotten about her puppy love and is crushing on other boys from her school and some not from her school. One day she had gotten home from I think it was softball practice and she was just hanging out in front of her house eating string cheese, when a boy that looked oddly familiar was walking up the block. Emily just stared at this boy trying to figure out who he was. Meanwhile the boy was also looking at Emily as well. With their eyes locked he continued his trek up the block.

This story is getting really long so what I’m saying is, that boy she saw was Garry and he’d moved back to Jersey and apparently had been back for a while. So Garry and Emily started to hang out again but then his family moved again and I haven’t seen him since. This is where my investigative skills come into play.

While I was awake in the middle of the night (a couple of days ago) when I should’ve been sleeping… something reminded me of Garry (it could’ve been the fact that I was watching SpongeBob and Gary the snail ( 🐌) slithered around the pineapple). The next thing I know I’m googling Garry (with two R’s) lo and behold there he was my Garry just 12 years older and still looking a little like J-Boog from B2K (if you don’t know who B2K is… you may leave right NOW!! j/k you can stay just google them so you get the picture). What I found was not something I liked.

Apparently Garry has a family. He has two kids and a girlfriend and lives somewhere that is not New Jersey. So the moral of this story is… don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to I know that your gonna have it your way or nothing at all but I think your moving to fast… LISTEN TO MEEEE (sorry I couldn’t help myself and by the way that was waterfalls by TLC if you didn’t know). Anyway moral of the story is you should probably go to sleep at a decent time so you don’t Instagram stalk the kid you were in love with when you were just a wee little lass. You won’t like what you find even though you should be over him because honestly Emily it’s been 12 years since you last saw him what the f🌙ck did you expect.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (once upon a time Mrs. Garry with two R’s)

P.S. Happy Early Independence Day/ 4th of July!!!

Wedding Bells are Ringing…They’re Not Mine.

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile.” Do you ever feel like busting out into some Lionel Richie! No? Just me? Well, that got awkward. Anyyyyyy who, I’m baaaaaaaack and I had so many stories to tell you, but I’ve been slacking and not writing my stories down in my notes, and as you know I have horrible memory. But trust me they were going to be epic and hilarious and all the magical things you could imagine. Never fear though because I do have a little story to tell you about a girl and a wedding.

Once upon a time there was a girl (let’s call her Emily) and she went to a wedding (let’s say it was yesterday). Emily danced all night, drank about the same amount as she danced (she also didn’t get drunk if you were wondering… I know I am just as surprised as you!). She basically had the best time ever with her friends! After this magical night where one of her close friends married the love of her life. 

I’m telling you their love story is straight out of a fairytale. It’s one of the most beautiful things to witness from the beginning to their happily ever after. It’s stories like theirs that make you believe in true love and soulmates.

Ok ok back to the story. After this magical wedding Emily started thinking of her own future wedding. Emily always thought that she would just do a quick Vegas thing and just save the money for the most awesomeballz honeymoon ever! But now she finds herself thinking about who she would chose to be her bridesmaids, and that she might actually have her brother as man of honor and cousin as bridesman. She’s also thinking about the color scheme and venue and that she would like a beach, garden or vineyard venue. She might also have a Pinterest board full of wedding related things. Also she’s already decided on the song for her first dance with her future husband. ( La vie en rose by Edith Piaf)So moral of the story is I might actually want a wedding and all that jazz…and I can thank the newlyweds for that.

Ta ta for now! 
Love Ya From The Moon and Back,

Emily ( first things first I need to find me some husband material candidates… I must go now)

Birthday Shenanigans!

Soooooo my inner sloth took over yesterday and decided not to do anything productive, basically I was super lazy and laid in bed all day and caught up on some show… it was magical! Anywho because I was away in New Orleans a couple weeks ago everything is out of order in my life. Last week I had to tell you all about my adventures in such a beautiful city, but I also wanted to write about my birthday shenanigans and there was a huge battle in my head for who shall win aaaaaaand if you read last week New Orleans won. BUT TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! For those that don’t know I celebrated my 6th anniversary of turning 21 years of age a little over a week ago. ‘Twas a weekend spent in the city ( for those who don’t know what city I’m referring to… I be talking about The Big Apple, NYC… In New Yoooooork concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Wow thank you Alicia Keys that was beautiful)

My Birthday weekend extravaganza started out very tamed. On Friday the day of my birth I was with my family. We put some yum yums in my tum tums, then came back home stayed up talking shit and reminiscing. We laughed we cried we laughed some more it was a great night.

Saturday day night is were sh🌙t got cray cray. Me, my brother and a couple of my friends went to the Strip Club!! It was a night to remember. I got some titties in my face. Let me tell you these ladies have the smoothest skin I’ve ever felt in my life! Also I learned that I’m horrible at the whole strip club thing. I did nothing like what I’ve seen on TV. I was gently placing dollars on the floor and when one of the ladies came closer a told me to slap her ass, I gently tapped it… even she was like “girl!! Slap my ass!!” And proceeded to grab my wrist and made me slap her bum. I was even worried that I would give the girls a paper cut…It was hilarious. One of the ladies gave me the biggest compliment of my entire life… the following is how the conversation went (well from what I can remember): 

Exotic Dancer: hi the most awesome person I’ve ever seen in my life I heard it was your birthday…come here (pulls my head to her breasts and shimmies)

Me: (blushing profusely thoughout the night) *giggling* yea it is…thanks. (Gently placed dollar in her g-string) 

Lady that Dances on poles: do you have some Asian in your family. ( crawls on floor)

Me: *gasp* yes I do… can you really tell?

Woman whom shakes her Tatas: yes you look a little Hawaiian! (Pulls g-string open for some mula)

Me: (gently places money in said pulled g-string) Oh my gosh stop it… you’re making me blush!

Lovely lady in nothing but a g-string: really… you look like Moana!!!

Me: OMG I LOVE YOU!!! I’ve always wanted to be a part of Disney!!! (Turns to Frenemy) she said I look like Moana!!! MOANA!! I love her!! How did she know just what to say to me!! (Gave the rest of the money in my hand to the nice lady)

And that was the highlight of the night for me.

 Also, my brother did a T-Pain and went and fell in love with a stripper… so now I might have a future Stripper In-Law. 

Well that’s all for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( or should I say Moana)

Hello New Orleans!

Guys there’s so many things I need to write about, but I should probably start with my trip to New Orleans buuuuut I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened. Before you start jumping to conclusions I was not that drunk that I blacked out, I just have horrible memory. The following is what I do remember:

1. I, Emily, might have gotten on top of a bar and taken a shot named “blow job” where hands were not allowed… yeah I know SCANDALOUS!

2. There was a tour of the beautiful city of New Orleans by a woman named Sandy from Houston… I know Confucius… but she did say she’s lived in NOLA for 30 years ( I think that’s what she said I could be making that up).

3. There was alcohol being sipped at all hours of the day (some from penis straws and sometimes on roofs… yea we like to live dangerously). 

4. Omg the BEIGNETS!!! Were freaking heavenly!!! Cafe du Monde was amazing!!

5. French Quarter Festival was great… so many types of food everywhere. My stomach was not happy with me when I got home but I was happy when I was eating it so that’s all that matters!

6. Bourbon Street was like I always pictured it… bars lining both sides of me, live music in the middle of the streets, delicious drinks, and people everywhere!

7. A lot of penis related games occurred.

Well that’s about all I can remember… next time I go away I’m gonna take some notes I promise (as we all know that’s probably not going to happen because I won’t remember I promised this so don’t hold me accountable) Ta Ta for now!

Love Ya From The Moon and Back,
Emily (traveler extraordinaire!) 

APRIL, HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?!?

HELLO APRIL, The best month ever! “But Emily, why is April the best month ever?”. I’m glad you asked. There are a lot of reasons, the first and most important one being is that I, Emily, was born in the month of April twenty-one plus years ago (for those who really want to know my age I was born in 1990… you do the math I’m not gonna make this easy on you… although I have mentioned it in previous posts, just saying…you might not want to do math, and I don’t blame you!). There you have it the main reason April is the freaking best is the day of my birth ( just in case anybody wants to get me an extravagant present, you still have time my special day isn’t until the 21st so get on!).

Another reason why Abril (April in Spanish) is fantabulous is because I will be in NEW ORLEANS next weekend!!!! I’m so freaking excited!! This will be my first time going and I can’t wait to see all the magical things NOLA has to offer!! The second best thing about going to NOLA, is the build-up for it. This past week I’ve been buying little things I might need, and of course I need some sluttie outfits. Because I’m not going down there just for the fun of it. Okay, well I am but there’s a bigger reason. I’m going down there for a bachelorette weekend!!! So there will be an abundance of alcohol consumption, hopefully some nakedness happens, and just a whole bunch of shenanigans that I will most likely not remember and I CANT WAIT!!

So basically what I’m trying to tell you is that there will be no post next Sunday, because 1. I will not be in my bathroom at home to write this to you. And 2. I will hopefully not remember my name for a few hours, so how do you expect me to remember to write a post… that’s really needy and selfish of you. Well that’s all for tonight I must mentally prepare myself for next weekend I’m not as young as I used to be and will need a lot of rest leading up to this adventure. Toodles!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (if I come back Mrs. Emily Some-random-guys-last-name don’t be alarmed, because that’s what I’m hoping for.)

The World of Online Dating… Round 2!

Aaaaaaand welcome back to round two of the disaster that is my life… I mean my “love” life (every time quotation marks are used please know that you must read it the way Dr. Evil would… and if you don’t know whom Sir Dr. Evil is… please don’t take offense to this but… LEAVE, GET OUT RIGHT NOW IT’S THE END OF YOU AND ME!! (Thank you JoJo for that beautiful song). Well I guess you can’t really call it a “love” life if I’m only talking to guys online. So I shall call this my attempt at a possible real world dating life. Yea that sounds much more realistic. This past week I’ve been talking… well more like typing… to three guys (scandalous… I know). 

1. Guy number one… let’s call him Peanut Butter and Jelly. Things started out pretty normal… and that’s odd for me, buuuuuut I went with. Through this normal conversation I found out that PB&J has a cat. I know a CAT!! For those that don’t know, I am NOT a “cat person”. I love all animals but cats just… I don’t like them! They’re assholes and I feel like they always have an attitude and are on the verge of scratching your face off. Sooooo needless to say my future baby daddy… I mean significant other… can NOT have a cat it’s a no go for me. You might be thinking this is where it ends for PB&J, so sorry you shall be wrong. PB&J’s saving grace was that he also has a ferret!!! A freaking ferret! So I was very excited about the turn of events because I’ve always wanted to meet a ferret! After I let PB&J know that his ferret helped him dodge a bullet shot by his cat our conversation headed into much more “Emily-esque” territory. It was great we started talking about quotes that we would want to put on our grave stones… super funny stuff.

2. Hombre numero dos… lets call him Jekyll and Hyde. This conversation was… I want to say was biographical. He just wanted to know my whole life story. Which I feel is super boring. I like to talk about random things that make me think of funny comebacks, but every time I tried something funny he would totally shut it down and ask me some boring question like… “what are your long term goals?”. Honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow… I have no clue what my long term goal is… idk maybe not be broke would be great! All of a sudden he asked me if I had any more pictures. Ooooo you don’t even understand how excited I got. I was like yea I have a lot of pictures… and then J&H was like send me some. So I proceeded to do just that. Below are the pictures I sent Mr. Jekyll and Hyde.

They are amazing I know!!! I had so much fun, buuuuut he was not as amused as I. After that third picture he was like “what’s with all the body parts?”… and I was like “you don’t like them”. I think he was trying to make sure I wasn’t catfishing him or something. But what Mr. Jekyll and Hyde doesn’t understand is that I am waaaaaaay to lazy and also not an asshole to Catfish anyone. Yes, I might be mean on occasion but not that mean. If you’re wondering I still haven’t heard from J&H since that last message.

Finally, Homme nombre trois ( this is suppose to be French… but I’m not exactly sure if it’s correct I google translated it) lets call him Juniper Berry ( I just googled this it’s a real thing). So with JuJu Bee it felt like one of those ice-breaker conversation you would have on the first day of class where you say your name, where you’re from and your major. Yea so basically it was super entertaining (I literally side eyed while typing that) and the conversation hasn’t gone anywhere from there. 
Well there you have it folks… that’s the end of round two.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I think I’m going to be a “dog-lady” when I grow up.)

Did You Know Audiobooks Are Magical?!

I’m super into audiobooks right now. Don’t get me wrong I still love to hold a book in my hands and immerse myself into a new reality for a while (because clearly my life is nothing like a book and there’s no happily ever after in my near future… and I also love the smell of a book don’t judge me), but when I’m at work I can’t do that. Sooooo my next best option is audiobooks!!! Today I found myself thinking… ooo I can’t wait to go to work tomorrow so I can start a new book. I’ve never thought that about work in my life. Even though I love me some audiobooks I do have some improvements that I think would make the listening experience super magical!!! Of course this shall be in list form… and I shall name it Some Improvements That Would Make Audiobooks SUPER Magical! (I’m sooooo good at making up titles)

1. All books should come with a warning that you might cry. Last week I had to catch myself before I started bawling. Audiobook makers I’m at work let a home slice know that tears might be in the near future!!

2. The samples they give you should include the synopsis as well not just jump right into the story without letting me know what I’m getting myself into.

3. Some books have a man and a woman reading… which are my favorites! Some of these guys voices are delicious… any way in chapters that only a man is narrating or a woman is there is some dialogue that is from the opposite sex, and the person narrating that chapter imitates that person speaking, but I believe if there is dialogue for a woman or man during the chapter that’s narrated by the opposite sex the actor or actress should jump in and be their character even if it’s not their chapter. I think it would make the story flow and sound better. I know I probably explained that horribly wrong but it made sense in my head so it’s gonna stay like that.

Ta ta for now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (I know what you’re thinking, yes I want to be one of those people that narrates novels… I have been told that I have a beautiful speaking voice!)