How To Get Exactly What You Want For Christmas!

As Christmas gets closer and closer, I become increasingly less subtle when giving “hints” about what I want for Christmas. The hunt for my prefect Christmas gift from my parents usually starts around mid-October. My parents would ask me (usually at separate times) what I want for Christmas, and me being the best daughter ever I tell “don’t worry about me, I don’t need anything this year”. Which would make my parents say it’s not about what you need Mimi (that’s one of my many nicknames)it’s about what you want. And then I would be like well I don’t want anything don’t waste your money on me. I know I know you’re all probably wondering,”Mofo what’s wrong with you they want to get you something… shut your face and just tell them what you want!” Listen to me people this is all apart of the plan! I must start off being humble and then progress to my ever growing Christmas list.

Fast forward to about mid-November and this is where the hints start to fly! Let’s say I’m with my mom at Target and we walk by the scarves and hats and gloves and all those pretty accessories, I would casually pick the scarf/hat/glove set that matches and be like “mom isn’t this cute!!! Doesn’t it make me look fierce! Omg feel how soft and warm this is. I think this would look awesomeballz with my coat, and just think of how WARM it will keep me on those COLD, WINTER, SNOWY, BELOW ZERO days” (you know you have to throw in the possibility of catching an pneumonia (please pronounce this properly… the P is not silent here!). Then I would look at the price a be like “WTF! I’d rather freeze my nips then buy this sh🌙t.” Then put it back and look at it longingly while you walk away. This approach works well with everything. Just make sure you find something to make the parentals think that they could possibly be saving your life, but it has to relate to what you want… nah mean.

Fast forward about a week or so to Thanksgiving, and the parentals ask again what I would want for Christmas in a casual convo over dinner or dessert or getting wasted. And I tell them guys I don’t need anything, don’t worry, save your money and buy yourselves something magical. I flip flop a lot during the holiday season. I want to be an amazing daughter and not have them waste their money on me, but at the same time I’m like “I’m your amazing daughter waste ALL your money on me.” Like in everyday life I am also indecisive about what kind of daughter I am.

Fast forward to around this time in December. I am no longer subtle, I’m actually extremely obvious at this point. Please refer to the text convo with my mum, da, and brov. (If you haven’t realized this by now I really wish I had an amazing accent).

When desperation kicks in and the thought of you having to pay almost $200 for a ticket you stop caring about being surprised with your presents and just want exactly what you want so you can spend more money buying sh🌙t you don’t need at Universal.

Well that’s all folks!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (guys this will be my first time EVER going to Universal and I’m so freaking excited! YAAAAASSSSSS!!!!)

Calling Out 101

Let’s say… obviously hypothetically speaking of course… that you had to call out of work last week. What reason would one have to call out you ask? Well Ms./Mr. Goodie Two Shoes!!! Some of us have really good f🌙cking reasons! Any way as I was saying you might have a Doctors appointment, something else, something equally as important, you just don’t feel like going to work, OR you might have an interview for another company and you don’t want the place you’re working at to know that you’ve been looking for other employment… you know something along those lines, nah mean. Let’s say one of those thing just magically appeared and you haven’t been planning it for alittle over a week or anything like that… WHAT! No way I’m not talking about me having an interview last Thursday and having to call out or anything! That did not happen!

As I was saying I have some tips for those of you that might have one of this situation pop up. I shall call this list: Calling Out 101!

1. (This one only matters if you’ve had this call out planned, if not please skip step one). The day before this call out happens you need to build your backstory. Start acting like you’re getting sick. Sneeze a lot, clear your throat and sniffle the shit out of your nose!

2. You need to set your alarm to about an hour and a half before the time you need to be at work. Reason for this is depending on what type of job you work you’re giving the company enough time to call around for someone to cover your shift. If you don’t work in retail and you work in an office setting, you would most likely start work 7,8 or 9am. This way when you call out it’s right after you wake up and your voice will sound authentically raspy and sick like.😉

3. Make sure you have some kind of backstory just in case those people you work with are nosy and ask questions.

Well my chickadees that is all I have for you.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Any relatives that are reading this… let’s make believe that this blog is Vegas… what ever is said here stays here… nah mean!! Ok I love ya buh bye!)

Thanksgiving and All That!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

This Thanksgiving was freaking stressful for me!! This year I had to actually cook the food!!! Do you understand how stressful that is to not poison people! Yea I had my mom there to tell me what to do, but still she trusted me not to fu🌙ck it up. Thankfully everything came out good and nobody was poisoned or got the you know what💩. All I want to know is how my mom does this every year. That sh🌙t is f🌙cking exhausting!

Anyway on top of becoming the best chef ever, I’ve decided that the older I get the more I need to start wearing make-up.

Every morning I feel like I look like the dead! BUT! When one decides to start wearing make-up you kinda have to know what tones you should use, and let me tell you that makes me not want to wear make-up. Not only do you need the correct tone, you also have to know how to apply it! You also have to know what brush is for what. So basically I have to go to the school of You-Tube and study under the make-up gurus of the world. This is already waaaay to much work. AND that also means I have to start getting up earlier to get all that sh🌙t on my face!! I don’t like to break my sleep! I love sleeping!!!

Well that’s all I have for tonight, I must continue playing Assassins Creed Origins!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Chef Emily (I had a very boring week… don’t judge me!)

Newport, You Were A Beaut!!

Every time I visit a new city, I’m reminded of how badly I wish I was a gypsy, nomad, or honestly super f🌙cking rich so I can continuously travel around the world and not have to worry about a job and all that boring adult stuff. You’re probably wondering “Emily where the f🌙ck did that come from?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Last weekend I was in a magical place called Newport, Rhode Island. If you remember from last year (you probably don’t because I barely remember it) my slutties and I had a girls weekend getaway in the beautiful (slightly chilly but still beautiful) Salem, Massachusetts. With this new girls weekend getaway tradition, this year as I said before we went to the magical land of mermaids aka Newport, Rhode Island!

As a courtesy to all you lovely peeps I’ve decided to compile a list called “If you’re planning a trip to Newport here is what you should know” I know super catchy right…. I’m really good and making list titles, me thinks me missed me calling.

1. Don’t drive to Newport when it’s dark out. You see I don’t think they believe in street lights. When me and my slutties started our adventure to the isle of le mermaids we left a tad bit late. Just so you have an estimate of how far we are from Newport it took us roughly 9,000 hours to get there. Okay you caught me it didn’t take that long but that’s how long it took us to get out of Connecticut. There’s no need for CT to be that long. Moral of this story is don’t drive in the dark…it sucks.

2. Newport is beautiful! I love the ease I felt when I was there. Living close to NYC everything and everyone is always on the move, but being in Newport it was like I was in a whole other world. Everything was very chill (literally and figuratively) but I think what added to that feeling was being surrounded by water. I don’t know if you know this but I love the water… it might be the Dominican in me that feels closer to her homeland by being near water but I love being by the water. Whenever I can I try to go down by the river and I just get this sense of calm whenever I’m there. Annnnyyyyyway, Newport gives you a very mellow feeling… it could’ve also been the fact that it was freezing out and there weren’t a lot of people out and about, but i like to think it was probably a mix of both (aka the freezing temperatures).

3. Whilst on your visit to Newport you should most definitely visit and have wine tastings at their many vineyards. Me and the slutties went to a vineyard called Greenvale Vineyards. It was the best time ever. We sipped on different wines and made believe like we were connoisseurs and we were saying things like “this has an oaky taste” and “oh wow you can really taste the oak in this one”. Listen that is the only thing I know about wines! Don’t judge me! As I was saying we had a really great time walking through the vines… don’t tell anyone but we even tasted the grapes of one of the wines we had tasted and it tasted nothing like the wine but the grapes were pretty delish!

4. If you’re going to go to Newport or any place with your friends, just go with people you know you’ll have a good time with and don’t mind the smell of your farts. That’s all you need in a good road trip. OH you also need snacks because then those people you thought were gonna be fun actually suck because your not on a sugar high. Good thing Big Booty Judy brought the goods with her.

Well my little world travelers that is all I have for thee.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (please enjoy a few of the beautiful pictures by the best photographer I know… ME!! Bwuahahaha… to see more go to the Life As A Moon instagram: @lifeasamoon)

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!!

So there are moments in my life when extreme boredom takes over and I decide to do random things. In this case I decided to jump back into the online dating pool ( you get the reason for the title… aren’t I hilarious and also very Punny). Oooohhh it has been a special one. This time around it’s like my profile has been sending all types of vibes and I’ve been getting an interesting mix of guys contacting me. 

I’ve been back in the “scene” for about 3 weeks and I’ve been proposed to several times already. It’s all great and dandy and extremely flattering but when asked if I would poop on you right after said marriage proposal… it doesn’t seem quiet as flattering anymore. It’s like this guy was just swiping left until he saw my picture and was like YUP!!! This girl looks like a sh🌙tter!! The funniest part about it is that this guy isn’t the only one asking me to take dumps on him, but at least he did propose before hand so there’s that.

One guy just straight out asked me if I took big dumps. Of course I responded with “YEAH!! I take HUGE sh🌙ts!!!” Then he asked if I would sh🌙t on him and I said “would you like soft served or hard”… I know I know I even disgusted myself with that response so much that I just blocked him without seeing his response, and honestly I’m a little disappointed in myself that I couldn’t last longer with that convo. Just imagine the ammo I would’ve had. Let’s move on.

In the middle of all this poop talk there were some decent guys. One guy is actually from my town let’s call him the Town Traitor or T2 for short. After T2 and I figured out that not only do we live in the same town but we actually live in the same vicinity. It was pretty crazy. This is the first time I’ve ever met someone on these dating sites that are from my town that I don’t know. Because of that reason I asked if he just moved to our town or if he grew up here, and funnily enough he grew up here!!! This guy even knows one of my cousins!!! In all honesty knowing one of my cousins isn’t really a stretch, because I’m pretty sure the majority population of my town are related to me in some capacity. Yes, my family really likes to procreate. Any who I ended up finding out the reason I didn’t know this guys was because he went to school in my towns rival town schools!!! I know what a traitor!!! Hence the name. So now it made sense why I never knew this kid before hand.

Something funny happened the other day revolving around T2. When we first started messaging each other we were talking everyday. One day neither of us started a conversation so I decided to be a creep and go on this guys Instagram account and see who else he might know that I would know. Well on my journey of exploration I found out that he doesn’t post many pictures, also I found out we have another friend in common. This other friend went to high school with him, but I met the other friend when I went away to school in Connecticut. I know!!! CRAZY SH🌙T!! Any who so while I was creeping on this guys 5 pictures, I went to the likes to see the people who’ve liked his pictures… and because of my fat f🌙cking thumb and the fact that I believe Instagram did this on purpose and put the number of likes directly under that f🌙cking heart sh🌙t, I ended up liking one of his pictures. And NO!!! It wasn’t a recent picture, then I wouldn’t have felt like such a creep. Mind you his most recent pic is from like April (so either way it would’ve been creepy). I liked a picture that was from f🌙cking 2013 or some sh🌙t!!! I KNOW!!!! GASP!!!! THE HORROR!!!! 

So after this happened I went to the dating app and proceeded to delete our messages because I already knew the outcome of this! I looked like a stalker liking a picture from the f🌙cking ice ages. Beat’em to the punch and all that good shit. BUT!!! Luckily enough he either didn’t see what I did(obvi he saw it I just wanted to make myself feel better) or he found it flattering in a not stalker way (spoiler alert: extremely stalker way I should probably stop talking to him… what does this say about him… why is he still talking to me) that I would go through is pics and like one of them. Whatever the case is he and I are still messaging each other so I guess he might be the one because he can deal with my crazy or he just might be equally as crazy but much stealthier than I am hence why he didn’t like any of my pictures even though he probably goes through my page everyday thinking “gosh I’m so lucky to have met this amazingly awesome unicorn like being”.

Well that’s all I have for today… I know what your thinking this one was long as f🌙ck! 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I’m sorry I made you read so much I’ll never let this happen again!)

My Wrists!!! Are You Forserious!

As you may know… if you don’t know now you know (thank you for that Mr. Biggie Smalls). Anywho, I’ve been on a diet for a little over a month now, and I feel pretty good. I’ve lost some weight and that’s awesome but I haven’t really seen it when I look at myself. I’ve heard from my coworkers, my parents, my brother and a couple of my friends that they see it in my face and around my waist. Which is freaking great, at least someone is seeing progress. The other day I did notice alittle something something. You want to know where… I saw that my wrist looks thinner… WTF!!! My wrist! Like I really wanted to go that extra space on my watch! You know where I want to go that extra hole for on my freaking belt!!! Well I don’t wear belts but you get my drift.

Why is it when you start to lose weight, the weight comes off in the most ridiculous areas!! Like I’m ok with fat wrist! I don’t wear bracelets or even fancy watches. I have a freaking Fitbit. Why can’t the weight come if in significant places. I would really appreciate it when my boobs start to look smaller and my chichos (means love handles in le Spanish) start to shrink. I know weight loss is a long and strenuous process, but come on, my fucking WRISTS!!

Well that’s all the rant I have in me… my energy levels aren’t the same since I’ve been starving myself for my wrists to look better.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (my boney ass wrist and I need our beauty sleep.)

Fantasy Football is a Drug!

My past 5 Sundays have been freaking stressful!! “Emily but why have your Sundays been so stressful? Don’t you do absolutely nothing with your life but waste away and just lay around on Sundays?” Damn, well that was a little hurtful. Whoever it is asking these questions needs to take a chill pill. Anyway, yes mean person, I usually don’t do anything on Sundays (if we’re being honest I usually don’t do anything all weekend but let’s not think about the lack of social life I have). As I was saying my Sunday have been come very stressful ever since I became a Fantasy Football participant. When one of my slutties, Frover, asked a group of us if we’d like to join her fantasy football league a couple of months ago, I was like “sure, it’ll been fun… I don’t really care for football that much so I won’t be all crazy competitive and sh🌙t”.  Well I might’ve underestimated my competitive side.

So draft time comes and that was pretty intense. I knew the QB I wanted, and I figured I’d just build my team around my QB. Well about a week before the draft my competitive side starts to show and I started to do some research are players and their stats, you know I wasn’t going to go crazy and have a draft board made or anything, I just wanted to have a decent team and have fun with it. 

Well slutties after my taste of victory in week 1, I’ve been planning out who my starters would be, and checking on potential players stats. It’s been f🌙cking stressful, and the only time that stress goes down is when I win! Fantasy Football is a freaking drug man! Now we’re in week 6 and it’s not looking to good for me. One of my best players wasn’t playing 100% because he broke his f🌙cking ribs two weeks ago. Aaron Rodgers, even though he isn’t on my team, he’s the QB of my top two players, and because he got injured in the first f🌙cking quarter today my RB and WR didn’t do well!!! They were my chance to at least make today’s match-up bearable.
 I’m sorry I’m sorry let me just calm the f🌙ck down and go watch the rest of my players… I need to have some hope that my team will pull through!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

General Manager Emily(Let’s go Team Chumbawamba!!)

Where Did My Brain Go?

I’ve done some incredibly nerve-wrecking things and have had some pretty nerve induced moments in my life, but the nervousness I went through last week was insurmountable. Before I get to the shit show that went down last week let me be incredibly modest and just write about all the magnificent things that have happened in my life. It all started when my mom found out she was pregnant with the most magical being to ever exist… ok you don’t need to know that let’s just fast forward through my incredible existence. 

So, I’ve played sports throughout my life and there have been some nail biting moments then, buuuuut I’ve still done more hand shaking hyperventilating type things. I’ve auditioned for multiple singing competitions. “But Emily, why would that make you nervous? You seem like a pocket full of sunshine and merry-go-rounds, and you would never be nervous for anything.” Well I really appreciate the vote of confidence you have in me, but I actually have something called “Le stage fright”. I know right… ME…having stage fright…. impossible. Negator…extremely possible. When it comes to singing in front of people (doesn’t matter if I know them or not) I have some trouble. The only way I can sing in front of anyone and it doesn’t bother me is if we are related (because you can’t get rid of me I will always be a part of your family… bwuahahahaha) or if I’m really close to you. Ooo also I’ll sing to you if you sing with me… I love doing that!. Anywho so yes I’ve auditioned for American Idol, The Voice (*cough* several times *cough*) and X-Factor. 

After all of that I never thought I would be as nervous as I was then. Oooo but was I wrong! Last week I had to do a video interview for this job I applied for. I know right… super fancy! I thought everything was going to be fine I’ve had experience interviewing before, yes it was my first time doing a video interview but honestly how bad can it be. LET ME TELL YOU… it can go horribly horrendously wrong! Once that little light on my laptop went on letting me know the recording had commenced… my whole body froze! When I say my whole body I mean even my fucking brain!!! It’s like I forgot every word I’ve ever learned in my 27 years of life. I’m pretty sure I forgot my name… actually no that was the only thing I remembered because I introduced myself even though they never asked. Eventually I got over my stupor, but it didn’t get any better. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I’m pretty sure I was sweating profusely. All in all it wasn’t great…. possibly the worse experience of my life to date. 

Well I must sleep now because after reliving that interview my nerves are shot.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (if you were wondering I didn’t get a second interview… Momma always told me… you win some, you lose some and sometimes you ruin your own life… just kidding, she didn’t say that I made that up.)

Back At It Again…With the Diets!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about seeking different weight loss options, and how I was leaning towards getting weight loss surgery. Welp! that didn’t go as planned. Apparently my insurance sucks big walrus balls. When I found that out I might’ve been…. OKAY… OKAY! I was extremely upset and I basically was like “fuck this shit, imma do me!”. So basically I gave up, and my thought pattern was not good. I was in a bad place for a while. I still attempted to save face and show Momma Moon that I was still trying to find ways to get this surgery, but I was over it!

Alas, two weeks ago some inspiration came to me! I didn’t have some big “come to jesus” moment or anything. The reason I decided to continue on this weight loss journey might not even be conventional, but I’m pretty out there and I don’t do conventional. “What are you doing now to lose weight?” you ask (even though I know that’s not the question you were asking, BUT it’s the one I want to answer this one first!). I signed up for Weight Watchers, and I have a feeling that it might actually work for me this time around. I know that Weight Watchers definitely ( I literally just spent 5 mins trying to spell definitely correctly) works because a few of my friends are on it now or have been on it at some point, and they have lost weight and have kept it off. Anywho back to me!! I’ve decided that this diet is going to work for me this time because I have the motivation this time!

“What is motivating you this much Emily?” Well two weeks ago I went to a tattoo convention with Sluttie McSlutterson, and let me tell you I got the itch to get another tattoo!! Since that day I have found three tattoos that I want to get and the placement of two of these tats are in the mid section, and the third would be going down my spine… nah mean jelly bean.

So because of these three tattoos that I want to get I’ve decided that I need to lose the weight so that they look super magical!!! I can’t wait… I’m super excited about this, and I’m hoping that by my birthday in April that I can get at least one of the tats that will possibly be on the or around the mid-section.

Well that’s all I got for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Future owner…are you an owner of a tattoo since technically you’re paying for it and it’s on your body, or are you like a work of art… any way future owner/work of art)

Camping Virgin… I Think Not!

HELLOOO!!! Guess what I did this weekend?! And no it was not stay home and nap all day. (Gasp!!) I know it’s crazy even to my own eyes, but I actually went out this weekend. I went camping for the first time in my life! I popped my camping cherry!! Ooo how I learned a thing or two about camping. 

1. Don’t camp when it’s cold outside. Just don’t do it! I usually don’t get cold because I’m practically a freaking walking human furnace and I (pause on the I so you understand the emphasis I’m trying to make) felt like my lady bits were no longer attached to my body! I thought I lost toes, but never fear, I still have all 10 little nuggets. So basically if you decided to go camping in September in Upstate NY for two nights, pack as if you’re moving to Antarctica to study the migration pattern of polar bears (or whatever reason you possibly have to go to Antarctica).

2. I feel like Pop Tarts make better S’mores than the real thing, but I was also reminded that I’m a lazy Emily Snow( for those of you that don’t watch Game of Thrones…first you should be ashamed of yourself and secondly Snow means bastard) and I only really like Pop Tarts better because it’s already made for you. Well all I have to say to you is that. Is. Absolutely. True! I am a lazy mofo. Also the real smores were pretty freaking delish!

3. There are a lot more stars in the sky then the four or five I see and the random planes that trick me into thinking there are blinking red stars. This is how one knows you are a city kid. The last time I saw that many stars I was 13 and on vacation with my family in the Dominican Republic. 

I know I might not be painting my weekend getaway in the best light, but I did have a great time! I got to see some friends haven’t seen in a while. I got to sit by a fire and make believe that I was a Targaryen (Game of Thrones reference again… smh to those of you who don’t know what I mean… please watch GOT because it’s too long for me to go through 7 seasons to explain what I mean … okay thanks!). All in all I would definitely go camping again (hopefully when it’s warmer out), it’s a great experience and it’s a great way to spend time with friends laughing and playing whiffle ball… and possibly over act when you get hit by a pitch and fall to the ground to inevitably hurt yourself because you were playing hurt! Oooo karma you is a bitch! Yes it was I who won an Oscar on getting hit by a pitch through method acting.. thank you but please hold the applause.

Well my baby nuggets it’s been swell!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Camper Extraordinaire)

P.S. Life As A Moon has an Instagram account!!! Yay!! It’s actually been up for a couple of months I just keep forgetting to tell people. Anywho if you want to see random things I like to post and any updates about the blog please follow @lifeasamoon