Vino Viernes/Adele Day!!

It’s Adele’s album release day, and I might be way to inebriated to make anytype of sense tonight because I will be drinking my feelings. So I’ve decided to write to you this lovely morning and let you know what my Friday night/ Saturday morning will be looking like. Well before I get to the drinking part of my night I will be going to go see ALADDIN ON BROADWAY!!!! I’m so freaking excited I’ve been wanting to see this musical since it opened on Broadway! Aaaaaahhhhhh I can’t contain all this excitement! Not only am I going to see freaking Aladdin on Broadway Adeles album 25 comes out today to… I don’t know what to do with myself!!!! If I wasn’t sitting in my car typing this I would be doing a Chinese fire drill… For those who don’t know what this is, its when the car you are in stops at a red light and everyone gets out and runs around the car and then gets back in to their seats; it’s super fun people in the other cars just look at you like your on crack. So yeah that’s just a snippet of my excitement level.

As for Saturday I’ll be nursing a hangover while watching the Hunger Games Mocking Jay Part 2!!! It’s such an eventful weekend!!

Well I gotta go to work now bye.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( ADELE!!!!)

Vino Viernes!!

This whole week has revolved around getting ready for my vacation, I like to call it prepping for Cali week. The following is what was done to prepare for California: getting my nails and toes done, buying the last couple of things I forgot to get, getting my hair done, packing, and finally taming the caterpillars on my lower forehead right above my eyes aka eyebrows.

Prepping week started off on Saturday when I went to get my nails done did. Me and my momma dukes went to a new place, and don’t get me wrong they did a really good job but that shit was expensive and they were having a 40% off sale… Imagine how much that shit is at regular price… Scandalous!!!! Also the second most awkward situation is when you get your nails done and while they’re drying your manicurist gives you a back rub and they’re hurting you more than relieving back ache and you don’t know how to say can you fucking stop your hurting me without being a bitch so you sit there in pain pretending that it feels really good… I think I should win a freaking Oscar for making my lady believe she gives and amazing back massage.

Next was getting my toes done. I love getting my toes done , but girl when they get to scrubbing it tickles like a mofo, and apparently my pedicurist is a drill sergeant giving me orders and shit… Stretch! Switch! You have ugly toes… Gasp hurtful!( so she didn’t say that but she was definitely thinking it).

Now please tell me I am not the only one that curses out my eyebrow lady in my head at a very loud inner head voice? If the lady that does my eyebrows could read my mind I wouldn’t leave with hair any where. Well, Tonight I’m toasting to my future adventures in California with a glass of Sutter Homes Sparkling Pink Moscato… As you might know I’m a BareFoot fan but I didn’t have to pay so I’m a Sutter Home lady tonight.

Ps. I’m taking a two week hiatus so I’ll see you guys two Vino Viernes’ from now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (California here I come!!)

Vino Viernes!!

So what had happened on Wednesday went down like this. On my way home from work I told my self I was going to eat dinner real quick then take a quick power nap. It was all supposed to be fast. The next thing I know my first of five alarms went off and so yea what I’m saying is that I totally fell sleep on Wednesday hence why I didn’t post anything. I told my self ill just do a quick post on Thursday buuuuuuut I was like nah I’m not going to mess up my rotation. Now on to the main events…Wine, Vino, Du Vin. Todays wine is Barefoots Merlot, I cant remember if I’ve already tried this one but I’m alittle on the broke side and this was the only thing that was in my house soooo Merlot it is…and please its pronounced Mer-Lot, okay thanks. This is another dry wine, and this one has an actual grapey taste, I know wine is basically smooshed grapes’ (this apostrophe was the only way Microsoft Word would let me leave my incorrect sentence structure…so the apostrophe must stay) by people’s nasty ass feet. I might just be talking caca because I put a generous amount of Sprite in my glass before I even took a sip of the wine. I am THE worst wine drinker ever!

I’m going to give you a recap of the past week. I realized on Sunday that it was both a good and bad idea watching San Andreas two weeks (at the time of this thought…it is now one week till California…yay!!) before going to Cali. The bad reason is because I scared the shit out of myself, like why would I do that to myself I’m such an asshole. The good reason is I now have somewhat of an idea on what I should do to survive some shit like that. For example I should get to higher ground, find land lines to call my dad and let him know that I got out of a car in an underground parking garage because of the British boy and his younger brother that I befriended (when I say befriend I mean fall in love… obvi), don’t trust Mr. Fantastic because he’s not going to help you out of said car, stay away from falling glass and light poles, and watch out for big ass holes that might swallow you; the most important one is I really have to get my holding my breath underwater for a really long ass time game up. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson you taught me well, my mom can now rest easy. By the way if you didn’t see the movie you probably shouldn’t read this paragraph there are a lot of spoilers… just saying.

On Tuesday I realized a lot of things the first one is that it only takes me about 8 songs to get to work, but that’s only on those extremely lucky no traffic days. Secondly, McDonalds McfingGriddles are super addicting, only get one if you have enough self control to not buy one every day for a week in a half for breakfast…clearly I failed on this one, so now I have to find a completely different way to work without passing by McDs (which is hard because it’s a block away from my job). Also, I use the little microphone button on my phone to help me spell all the time. Lastly, every time I get a glance at my shadow I’m always like “damn girl your eyelashes are long as hell”, but then I look in the Mirror and I’m like “But where did you go?”

Wednesday morning I was listening to Elvis Duran and the Morning Show and they were talking about when they went crazy town on people for the stupidest/smallest reasons. I automatically thought of the time I flipped out on my brother for taking my phone charger. I rarely get mad and I don’t count road rage as getting mad because honestly when you sit behind the wheel you become a psychopath, but one of the people that can get me so angry at the drop of a hat is my brother. The day I went text crazy on him was already a bad day for me and for me to come home with my phone on 10% battery life and no charger in sight I just lost it. I texted him everything in the book that I know would piss him off. I know it was stupid that it was just a charger, but when your already having a shitty day the smallest thing pushes you over the edge. This is a warning for all you brothers out there with sisters, we remember everything and I mean EVERYTHING, and when you least expect it we will (as Dane Cook likes to say) mind ninja the shit out of you. On that note I say good day.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (don’t mess with your sisters…shit will get deadly!)

Vino Viernes!

I was having a pretty good night (Was being the operative word) until some little sucka duck pissed me off!!! I shall start from the beginning for thee.

So tonight I went to the movies with two of my slutties… We saw The Scorch Trials, which was fucking amazing… Not only am I slightly obsessed with Dylan O’Brien, but I’m okay I’m extremely obsessed. In all honesty this movie was amazing… If you haven’t seen The Maze Runner go see that one first then go see The Scorch Trials, you shan’t be disappointed! Any way back to my story. So after the movie Boobielicuous and I decide that we Hungry, so we made our way to Applebee’s, because you know half price appetizers after 10pm, and while we were there we saw some peeps and caught up with people.

While we were there these two couples on what look like a double date to me, but they could totes be swingers who knows. Anyway these couples sitting behind Boobielicious were right in my line of vision! And oooo was the PDA on full blast! These mofos have no respect for us lonely motherfuckers. There they were all huggy and kissy and sharing fucking dessert… LIKE WTF, give me a break I’m about to be in tears here being reminded of my singledom! My lonely, broke, lonely singledom.

After I’m already depressed because I’m there with my Sluttie instead of my future Ex-husband, Boobielicious decides she wants to stab me and twist the knife(metaphorically speaking, but ooo did it feel real!!) this WHORE points out that our waiter didn’t even ID me for the Pitcher of Peach Sangria I ordered, which I basically drank the whole thing, I only let Boobielicious have one glass, well that’s what she deserved for inadvertently calling me old and then for literally (must say with British accent) looking in my face and calling me old! Now you know Boobielicious why you are a WHORE and why you only got one glass!!!

At those point I was still having a good night and then this is where this little mofo in the Honda Civic with his little mofo friends come into the picture! These little dickheads were parked next to my Manny, and were just sitting there with their windows down talking shit. So when we got in the car and started to take off this little shit head asshole piece of horse manure takes off at the same time as me!!! And then the little slut bitch cunt licker sitting in the back throws up dueces out the window!!! I don’t know if you understand the anger that was coursing through me!! I was about to do some horrid horrid things to those little fubnuckers! I don’t think people understand that I keep my ghetto locked down at all times, but when you do some dumbass shit like that my inner Chonga comes out and it’s a bitch to lock her up again! Okay I feel better now. I’m sorry for all the profanity today I just couldn’t hold it back.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( now because I’m all worked up I’m hot as hell!)

Vino Viernes!!!

Welcome and Good Evening, I have something really special prepared for you tonight! It’s going to tickle your pickle, it’s going be like the Goose that gets you feeling loose, it’s going dittle your skittle, it’s going to blah blah your blah blah… Sorry I ran out of random sayings. Anyway there’s really nothing special tonight I just wanted to get everyone hyped up. I’m sorry I did that I can be such an asshole. It might actually (must say with British accent) be Delilah (my alter ego) since its been a very long time since she came out to play. When she doesn’t get out much she starts to randomly seep into my everyday life, and that’s not good because this bitch is reckless. I find it so funny that my alter ego decided to name herself Delilah… Like why couldn’t she think of something more fun. Look at Beyoncé bro her alter egos name is Sasha Fierce… It’s amazing!! This is why Beyoncé is the Queen! My life goal is to one day be so incredibly famous that phones auto correct my name like they do with Beyoncé. I’ve spelled her name so many times that it’s started to look like it’s spelled incorrectly.imageSoooo tonight’s wine is Cabernet Sauvignon from Sweet Bitch! I’ve never had Cabernet Sauvignon before, but I just assumed that it was a dry wine! I feel like all wines that have a fancy name are dry… Clearly I know a lot about wines. Any way this wine was incredibly sweet. It was so sweet that it felt dry if that makes any type of sense. I love the sweeter wines but this shit was like have a shit of the sweetest syrup ( I can’t think of any syrup right now… I think I’m having a surfer overload). I had everybody in my house try this wine and everyone made the same face. Their faces was as if they had just bit into a slice of lemon! My parents were even saying that this wine could give you a good case of the diarrhea. If your into really sweet wines than this brand is for you because all the bottles I saw said a Smooth and Sweet.

Today my mother and I realized we can no longer go shopping together because we enable each other to buy random things we don’t need! Our original plan tonight was to go get dinner and then go buy another beach chair for this weekend. So after we went to dinner we stopped at Sam’s Club we ended up walking back out because they didn’t have anything. Next we went to Walmart ,which is right next to Sam’s, we walked around aimlessly until we came upon the beach chairs… I had to do some climbing but we found what we needed and we got the hell out of there because shit got crazy. You know if your in Walmart to long shit gets crazy!!!

While we were in Walmart I was telling my mom that I need to buy a suitcase for my trip to California next month, so she suggested we go to BJ’s. We went to BJ’s looked at the sit cases for like two seconds (because they were crazy expensive) and almost walked out with a supersize bag of peanut M&Ms, an oversized beach towel, some random tub mat and a new shower head for my bathroom ( that was like 50 bucks… I was willing to pay $50 for a shower head I don’t need instead of buying a suitcase I do need, I sometimes don’t understand my own logic) any way thank god those longs were long and we put everything back where we didn’t find them (sorry BJ’s workers, I know we’re such assholes).

Any-who after we leave BJ’s Mama Moon and I go to Burlington Coat Factory ( I don’t think that’s the name anymore, it might just be Burlington), so while we walk around there looking suitcases ( which were just as expensive as BJ’s) we find a section of paintings and photographs… So basically we walked out of Burlington without the suitcase, but I did get three new paintings for my room. I like to call it the Wino Wall!!imageLove Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the lady at the liquor store lied to me, she said the wine would be dry! How can I ever trust her again!)

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)

Vino Viernes! The Original

 

It’s back and better than ever!!!! The original Vino Viernes!!! Yaaaassss!!!! Just so you know this will be Ashley… Sorry I meant to put a short one… Ahhhh. Holy fubnucker this Canadian shit is strong as hell!!! If you haven’t noticed I’m drinking the bottle I bought in Montreal! It’s called Cassius Blackcurrant… I think there are a lot of names on this bottle and I’m not sure which one it is, but I can describe the bottle to you. Actually I’m super lazy and slightly sloshed ( I heard someone say this and I thought it’s was highlarious!) so I’m going to put a picture up instead!

As I said before this shit is strong as hell… Any way this wine has a very fruity taste! From what I remember the lady ( the one who had us taste the wines at the festival in Montreal) said that it was blackberry, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you because I’ve never had blackberries before so I can’t say. All I can tell you is that it’s pretty DELISH! My dad doesn’t like it so that means I like it even more!!!! Hopefully this bottle lasts longer than the others. One thing I suggest with this wine is taking breaks between sips, because it’s so sweet it can be very tiring. The thing I don’t like about this wine is that it kind of smells like potpourri… seriously just had the hardest time trying to spell potpourri, Who the hell knew there was a T in that word. I hate silent letters… If letters are put together to make a word then freaking pronounce the letters… All of them!!!! You don’t understand how much that bothers me!! Well that’s it for tonight peeps I’m gonna go drink/listen to music with my brother and cousin!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( how deep is your love… Aaaah ooooo aaaaah oooo… I want you to breathe me, let me be your air… How deep is your love, is it like nirvana, hit me harder oooo yeah, how deep is your love, is it like the ocean pull me closer!!! I love this song!!! Calvin Harris- How Deep is Your Love!!)

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Vino Viernes Part Un

imageI’m BaaaaaaaaaAaaaaack!!!! How much did you miss me! First I want to let you know that I tried to do Vino Viernes on Friday, but because I was in CANADA!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t because I didn’t have service up there nah mean jelly bean! Any way I’ve decided that today, Monday, will be Vino Viernes Part Un (French for the number 1 just in case you didn’t know). So much went on this weekend that I have to give you two posts just to let you know of my Canadian Adventures, and so we begin!

Don’t worry just because I was in a different country doesn’t mean I didn’t drink me some vino!!! The wine we had on Friday (when I say we I mean myself, Sluttie McSlutterson and Boobielicious) was super French I couldn’t even pronounce it (the bottles name was Marquis de Méricourt… I know super fancy) what I did understand was that it was Rosé (I love that É, it’s so classy). One of the many things I love about Montreal is that little bodegas (aka corner stores) sell alcohol. I decided to tell you this because I bought this bottle in the bodega next to our hotel. Now on to the flavor… The first sip I took was pretty delish but the second and third were not so good. It had a weird after taste that I was not a fan of and it was slightly dry. It would definitely be better if I turned it into a rosé spritzer (with some sprite… That’s basically what I do to all the dry wines that I’ve had in the name of Vino Viernes because no wine goes un-sipped or in my case guzzled.

Now that I’ve spoken of Friday’s wine I must now tell you about our start to Montreal weekend.

So we ( myself, Sluttie McSlutterson and Boobielicious… Just reminding you who we consists of) started our day off at 5 in the morning. Well I actually stared at 5:15 because these hoes were coming to me so I gots to sleep an extra 15 minutes… Ha ha suckas! So our plan was to to start driving up at 6am. Any way Sluttie McSlutterson is the first to get to my house and we were here bullshitting while I got the final things I would need for our trip. Then I get a text from Boobielicious that she’s outside, so as we were walking through my house to go outside I randomly ask McSlutterson if she has her passport… Thinking the answer is yes I keep walking… When she says some form of “HOLY GUACAMOLE EMILY THE MOST AWESOME PERSON I’VE EVER KNOWN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE No I don’t!” My response was “are you forserious?” So the point of that part of the story is that we didn’t start our trip at 6, because we had to drive to McSluttersons house first so she could get her passport.

About five hours later (say it the way that guy in Sponge Bob says it… Hehehe) as were still driving up through New York and getting closer to the border my Waze (The Best GPS App ever!!!) Starts telling us things in French… Just so everyone know I am now almost fluent in French (not really but I’ve learned some new words)… Anyway when I looked at my phone to see what exit we have to get off its says Sortie 53 (Exit 53) and I look and I say in the car so everyone could hear (you know it was pretty loud because we had the windows down, trying to save some gas and also because it was freaking 65 degrees outside, but that’s besides the point) “Dude Waze (it’s pronounced WahZee… Not ways,  if anyone ever pronounces it wrong in my presence your dead to me… Okay I joke not dead, but I will Ignore you) is talking to me in French!!!! Aaahhhh!!!” So as were getting closer to the border I realize that once we cross the border were not going to be able to use our phones. I didn’t care care about not being able to use the phone the problem was that we needed Waze to get to our Hotel, so a dilemma arouse. So I decided to take screen shots of the step by step directions (don’t worry I wasn’t driving anymore McSlutterson was… I didn’t do illegal things) so we would have to kick it old school and read signs and actually pay attention rather than having something yell at you where you have to exit or make a right in 500 feet… Honestly who the fuck knows exactly what 500 hundred feet is!!! Come on son!!!! They have to say make a right at the next light sucka!! That would make more sense. Finally we get to the border and I realize how obnoxious America is, we have this huge United States of America across the tolls, while Canada just had a flag on the side… Super chill nothing yelling at anybody in letters to tell them where they have arrived! Although the USA sign is pretty badass!!! So once we crossed the border and arrived in Montreal we started to explore and we came across Le Village, which is the most spectacular place ever. It’s so beautiful and I instantly fell in love with the city. There is art work on every wall imaginable and music coming out of every where! If you go anywhere in your life you have to make sure you make it up to Montreal, this place is incredible.

I’m sorry but this is where Part Un ends come read about the rest of our exhausting but fabulous trip to Montreal on Wednesday in Vino Viernes Part Deux (because I’m super French Canadian now and also because I can only count up to three… By the way that means number 2)

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I would totes move to Montreal… It’s so beautiful up there)

Vino Viernes!!

When I got home today I was welcomed with the best thing ever!!! My cousins and brother telling me how much they missed me and loved me! Mmmh (sigh) to be loved so much… It’s the best thing ever!!! As we all know… Today is Friday!!! Vino Viernes!!!! For today’s wine I tried something new… Of course it’s still by Barefoot because honestly I don’t drink anything else… I had some Pinto Noir. Before I altered my glass of wine I took a sip like the classy people. The following is how to drink wine like a classy person:

1. One needs a wine glass… It’s a lie when they say size doesn’t matter, because it does… So get the biggest glass you have.

2. Pour about a sip into said wine glass.

3. Hold said wine glass by the stem ( which is the skinny stick part… I should’ve really done a wine etiquette Friday… To late for that now we must learn on the fly)

4. Slightly spin wine glass, and when I say spin I mean enough that the wine looks like a small whirl pool.

5. Stopping spinning after about two seconds.

6. This is a big one you must sniff the win… I have no clue why I’ve just seen and read that this is what should be done.

7. Take a sip but make sure there’s some air with it, as if you were slurping ( I’ve seen my uncle do this, apparently it’s suppose to bring out the real taste… Idk, whatever)

8. Finally, after you’ve tasted it and even if you like it or not pour yourself a larger glass (if you like the taste drink up… If not add some sprite to that bitch and drink up!!)

So what I’m trying to say is that Pinto Noir is a dry wine, and I’m not a fan of that kind but if Barefoot makes it I’m gonna drink. Obviously I added a generous amount of sprite.

I just have to tell you my reason for getting Pinto Noir… I knew from the beginning it was dry, but a when I saw the bottle in the liquor store I fell in love with it. First of all the bottle has a purple label… I love purple!!! Secondly I saw an episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt a while ago when I binged watched the whole first season in one day. If you haven’t seen it yet go on Netflix right now and watch it and if you don’t have Netflix I’m sorry but we cannot be associated with each other… I joke I joke… But seriously get Netflix because this show is amazeballz!! Anyway in and episode Kimmys roommate Titus makes a music video of a song he wrote called Pinot Noir! It is freaking highlarious!!! Please if you get anything from this post it is to look up Titus’s song Pinto Noir… I’m begging you!! OOOO and you should watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.. Just saying!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Pinto Noir, Caviar, Myanmar, Mid-sized car, You don’t have to be popu-lar Find out who your true friends are?… That’s just a little snippet of the song for you guys)

Vino Viernes!!!

AAAAAAHHHHH…. I’m sooooo freaking glad it’s Friday!!! I started out today in a perfectly good mood, and then it gradually went down the poop shoot. I thought everything was gonna be all good… There was no traffic I got to work super early, and because of that I got to take a quick cat nap. So I was super duper happy! Then I walked into the office and found out the AC was broken or some crap like that!! WTF!!! It was cooler outside than it was inside that office!! Of course this would happen on the day I decided to wear a half sleeve shirt… Sure it might have been super thin material and slightly seen through (don’t worry I’m super professional and wore a tank top under… I’m only slightly sluttie after work hours). Any way I was still sweating profusely! I am not a happy person when I’m HOT!!!! I get extremely cranky. My day was just blah after that. The only thing I had to look forward to was this big ass fan we have in the hall way, and every time I walked by it I felt like Sasha Fierce ( Beyoncés alter ego). All the single ladies all the single ladies all the single ladies now put your hands up!!

On to why we’re really here… VINO VIERNES!!! Today I’m having Barefoots deliciously sweet Moscato. As you all know by now I’m obsessed with Barefoot and would never say anything bad about any of its wines. Also this wine is amazing anyway so I have nothing bad to say even if I wanted to. For those of you that didn’t Moscato pairs perfectly with mild cheese… The bottle said so, and because the bottle said it I had to have some cheese with my wine today. It might not have been mild because it was mozzarella string cheese…cheese is cheese and I love it as much as I love wine!

I’m still super Grumpy Magee and hot so I’m out this piece… And I’m going to go see Grease and this movie night in the park my town is having!!! GREASE LIGHTENING GO GO GO GO GO GOGO GO GOGO GREASE LIGHTENING YOUR BURNING UP HE QUARTER MILE!! That’s just a sample of what I’ll be doing to night!!! Singing at the top of my lungs!!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( it’s electrifying!!! If you’ve seen Grease than you’ll know!!)

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