Vino Viernes!!

Leeeeeet’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLE!!!! Sorry I just saw this meme with Steph Curry and Lebron James in a boxing ring!!! It’s HIGHlarious! It’s Friday people!!!! It’s been waaaay tooooo long since I last saw you Friday and I’ve missed you. Since your here today lets drink some Vino, shall we. I haven’t changed my vino since last week… It’s just way too good to give up so soon!

Today we are having a special edition of Vino Viernes! Since Father’s Day is this Sunday I decided to dedicate this Friday to my home boy Papa Moon! This isn’t going to be like my Mother’s Day post. I’m not gonna get all emotional because I’m pretty sure Papa Moon doesn’t read this so it would be pointless. So what I’m gonna do today is just tell everyone a little bit about my Daddio in what I like to call…

The Guide to Understanding Papa Moon:
1. He looks mean and bald, but he’s harmless…Sometimes
2. He knows how to work a pink shirt… Work it girl… Fierce!!
3. He wants anything and everything that Apple makes… If Apple painted a portrait of a banana, B.A.N.A.N.A.S, he would buy it.
4. BEER!
5. He’s most likely the clumsiest person I’ve ever met. When he shaves his head, he always manages to fuck his shit up. This mofo makes himself bleed like he cut a main artery.
6. If you buy something to eat or drink and you leave it the refrigerator, don’t ever think of eating or drinking it again. His policy is “if it’s in MY Fridge, it’s mine”.
7. He just tried to drink my wine!
8. He’s the one that wanted all these dogs.
9. He has a lot of nick names, but we like to call him the Tank!
10. Mother Fucker… Is his favorite thing to say… Ever
There you have it kiddies. He’s the best dad ever… I wouldn’t trade him for anything!!! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!

I Love You Mother Fucker for ever and ever and ever,
Mimi ( your favorite child… Everybody knows it’s true!!)

Vino Viernes!!!

Holy sweet heavenly goodness in a glass of AWESOME!!! This wine is sooooo freaking AMAZEBALLZ, I thinks I just fell in LURVE!! I’m so In love right now that I’m just gonna sing for you!!! “Im in love with the VI-NO, Vi-no, I got for the Low low( must be sung in that I’m in love with the CoCo way)… Got me looking so crazy right now this WINE got me looking so crazy right now… This WINE is on FIIIIIYAAAAH… This wine is on Fiiiiyaaaaaah… I am in love with you, You set me free, I can’t do this thing call drinking with out you here with me… Hey delicious Vino let me whisper in your ear, tell you some things you might like to hear… Tonight I’ll be your naughty girl, I’m not calling any of my girls cuz I want you to myself, because your so delicious.” This medley is dedicated to Barefoots Rosa Red Blend!!! I just want to say I’ve never met a wine that just knows me like you do… Your my wine soulmate/bottle. I’d like to take this time to thank: the guy who raps that CoCo song (sorry I don’t know your name), Alicia Keys, the Ying Yang Twins and of course Beyoncé for those wonderful renditions, Rosa Red Blend and I thank you very much.

Sorry I got carried away, but I’m telling you this wine is sooooo good!!! It’s sweet but not to sweet ( like I likes it… I was trying to think of something naughty to say but it didn’t make any sense) and the best part it’s bubble-y toooooooo ( I put extra Os because I’m not sure if it’s this to or this too… So I make it extra!!!).
I was totally gonna write something else, but I’m so in love right now I don’t want to ruin the moment, and I also might have forgotten what I was gonna write.

Ooo okay so today… I took another quiz!!!! You just know that “these are a few of my favorite things” ( brief cameo from Julie Andrews… The goddess I pray to, as Fräulein Mary from The Sound of Music). As I was saying, taking quizzes is my favorite thing to do in the world… Besides drinking this Vino. Today’s quiz was, What is your southern name? When I saw this I was like HECK FREAKING YEAH I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MY SOUTHERN NAME IS!!! It’s as amazing as I thought it would be. My southern name is Savannah Summers. I just freaking love it!! The best thing about this was that my mom actually wanted to name me Summer. Just in case you don’t remember I’m Hispanic, Dominican to be exact… Yes I might be the most Americanized Dominican I’ve ever met, but I still think Summer would’ve pushed me over the edge. But I do love it as my southern last name it just flows… I wanna say this was the Gods and Goddesses of Mount Olympus’s way of letting me know that Summer is destined to be apart of me. Well it’s time for me to go have a romantic evening with my vino… I’m going to need a do not disturb sign!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( but you can call me lover of Rose Red Blend, or Savannah Summers. Whatever tickles your pickle)

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Vino Viernes!!!!

So I’ve been slipping…Ayo I’m slippin I’m fallin I can’t get up, Ayo I’m slippin I’m fallin I can’t get up, Ayo I’m in slippin I’m fallin I gots to get, Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up… Whoa!!! DMX jus’ don’ took over my body! Any way what I was saying is that it was brought to my attention by one of my friends, Mrs. Shark, that my Vino Viernes game hasn’t be on point. She literally said “no Vino Viernes, this is a disaster I’m deleting my account.” So from now on no matter how late I get home or if I’m not in the mood to drink (yes this happens… Gosh, I’m only human) I WILL drink on Vino Viernes. Because I don’t want to be yelled at again.

Now on to the wine!!! Today I’m trying a new brand. It’s called… MÉNAGE À TROIS… Hehehehe. When I saw it at the liquor store I just had to buy it. The name just pulled me in!!! So it’s Moscato… And if you know me you know I’m a big Moscato fan, aaaaand this one is in my top 5 on the Moscato list!!! It’s a little drier than what I’m used to, but it’s just Sooo good I even had to share with the parentals!!! I definitely recommend this one not only because it’s super DEEEELISH, but also because come on the name of the brand is pretty AWESOMEBALLZ!!

Soooo last night I was sucked into the YouTube Vortex!! What is the YouTube Vortex you ask? (when I ask myself these questions, I like to make believe there’s someone else actually asking me). Anyway the YouTube Vortex is when you start off watching some video at lets say 9pm and then the next time you look at the time it’s 2 in the morning and your like… WTF have I been watching for the past FIVE hrs!! Yes this happened to me last night! Everyone sit down its story time!!!
Once upon a time on the fourth day of the sixth month in thy two thousand and fifteenth year… This will take forever if I try and write my whole story in my version of Old English.
So it all started with a Buzzfeed video about a Starbucks interview where the last phase is how to write people’s names. Then right under that video there was a video called…why Starbucks spells your name wrong? It’s freaking HIGHLARIOUS!!! If you’ve ever been on YouTube you know that there’s a list either on the side or under the video you just watched that shows similar videos from what you’ve just watched… Well under that video was a video of how Ariana Grande would order at Starbucks. That is where the vortex sucks you in! You’ve been warned people!!
So when I clicked on that I watched it for a little bit, I didn’t really like it so I minimized it… And this is where my mistake happened… I should’ve just closed out YouTube but noooo. The next thing I know 2 hours have passed of me watching Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and Kelly Clarkson sing live! Not only were the videos of their own songs, I started watching the ones where they sing the national anthem. Giiiirrrl let me tell you… Goose bumps!!!
The next thing I know I’m watching videos of the funniest best man/maid of honor speeches! I have no clue how I got here!!! So now while I’m watching this I’m like if I ever become someone’s MOH… My speech has to be freaking AMAZEBALLZ!!! Then I was like what if I never get to become someone’s MOH, how will people ever hear this amazing, funny, heartwarming, but mostly funny speech that I’m preparing!
That’s when I stumbled upon a speech from the grooms sister!! And I was like YAAAAASSS!!! I have one of those things, you know a brother, so all I’m saying is my brothers future wife better let me have my moment in the spot light, because if not that bitch gon’ get got!!!

Dearest Brother of mine if your reading this I have two very important things to tell you: 1. Hurry the F*** Up and get married because this speech is gonna be LENGEN… Wait for it and I hope your not lactose intolerant because the second half of this word is…DARY!!! And 2. Tell future wifey not to get on my bad side! So yea I’m done bye!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (yes, yes I did just quote Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother and I did it real good)

Ps. I’m obsessed with Buzzfeed!!

Un-Vino Viernes…Sober Sally!

So I’m being super boring today and I am not drinking! I know I’m such a loohooo ser-er (when reading that just think Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura Pet Detective). I’ve decided because I drank Vino on Wednesday that I can have a pass on Friday. Also because I didn’t buy a bottle of vino nor did I have an alcoholic beverage at dinner tonight… So I’ve decided to stay Sober Sally, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be sober… I hope someone out there is carrying of the Vino Viernes tradition and is getting they’re drink on and have a drink for me please, I’d really appreciate it.

On to more interesting things… These past couple of days… Actually weeks I’ve been super duper emotional, and it SUCKS BIG WALRUS BALLZ!!! I…excuse me my brother is texting…BRB (be right back… for those not up on the AOL/AIM lingo).

Okay I’m back… gosh he’s so freaking annoying! As I was trying to say before my brother rudely interrupted; I have either been crying my eyes out or I get a little watery eyed, and it’s for the stupidest reasons. It’s not really anything cry your eyes out worthy. Well except these freaking videos of soldiers reuniting with family…that gets me every time… I sob like its nobodies business, and it’s a real loud ugly cry man. Ooo gosh another thing that made me cry the other day was this video of people doing nice things for one another. Holy Chocolate Chip Cookies… I cried a freaking river.

So there are different types of cry’s I have discovered in these long and emotional weeks. I’m pretty sure I’m just super sensitive because I have like a hormonal blockage or something. This shit can’t last, right? Any way back to what I was saying. These are my types of crys. Damn that was beautiful cry…where you just attempt a smile but cover it with three fingers and either shake your head or nod. There’s also the extra ugly (because no one looks cute crying…you like scrunch up your face trying to hold it in…its not pretty) any who that gut wrenching cry…where you can barely catch your breath…I usually get these when I see those really sad dog commercials… you know the ones with that song in the back ground “in the arms of an angel”…UNCONTROLLABLE SOBS. I literally have to change the channel or else ill go broke trying to adopt all those beautiful animals…even the cats and I’m not the biggest fan of cats! And finally it’s the your not going to let these people at your job see you cry Emily one. This one is me hiding the fact that whatever news story I just read made me want to cry, so I lean my head back open my eyes wide and blink until I have dried my eyes.

Today I teared up at least six times, fours times at work because the news was really hitting me in the lady gonads today, and finally, twice about and two hours ago at the movies. Boobielicious and I went to the movies to see Aloha… which was great I absolutely loved it!!! In the movie there’s a scene where Rachel McAdams cries and I felt my eyes glisten. Anytime Rachel cries you have to cry because she’s so freaking good at it!! Rachel is the only one that cries pretty…the only one! I love Rachel McAdams!!

Okay I’m done telling you about my crying fits. Now on to something super freaking weird. I had a dream the other night where I was stuck in a 21st century Romeo and Juliet. You remember the Romeo and Juliet version with Leonardo Dicaprio, where they had guns and all that jazz. Well my brains version was much worse. Mine had…I’m assuming… my boyfriend and his family living on one side of a it’s either a football or baseball field and my family living on the other side. Our families hated the idea of us together that they started shooting at each other. Not just with regular handguns, these mofos had skilled snipers and AKs. Shit got serious; it felt like a scene right out of The Purge. While our families are fighting, my boyfriend and I are running away and doing some pretty awesome parkour stunts.

Either I’m completely bat-shit crazy, and this is my minds way of slowly breaking down on me or I’m a FREAKING ARTISTIC GENIUS. I wonder if we’ll ever find out. Well I’m done for tonight…see you on the flip side.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I think all these tears are making me lose my mind)

 

Ps. I had Chili’s for din din tonight and they have to most DEEEEELISH cheese things (I don’t remember what they’re called)…holy Hannah Montana they were freaking amazeballz!

Vino Viernes!!!

Hello my home boys and home girls!! Guess what day it is…Guess. What. Day. It. Is (I hope you all know where I got that from and those of you that do know… no silly it’s not hump day…hehehe…I cracks myself up). Any who it’s FRIDAY and you know what that means… Vino Viernes!! And what makes this Friday even more special is that it’s a Three. Day. WEEKEND!! HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKED! It is also Fleet Week, which means our service men and women are here in UNIFORM enjoying the wonderful treats NYC has to offer. On that note I want to thank all those in the military for protecting, sacrificing and fighting for our Country. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO!! YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!!

Also I finally get to see one of my slutties… Zebra Cake!!! I haven’t seen her in FOR-EH-VER!! Hey Girl Hey!! Any way onto my Vino for today…ooo I almost forgot I’m also drinking with Zebra Cake and Sluttie McSlutterson!!! This is the first time I don’t feel like an alcoholic…I have friends today…yay!!! Any way we’re drinking Barefoots Riesling…I’m pretty sure I’ve told you all about this one …but just in case I didn’t…this shiznit is AMAZEBALLZ!! So go out and have yourself a bottle!!!

I’m sorry that today’s post is so much shorter than usual…because Sluttie McSlutterson is rushing me because she’s hungry…and you can’t get in her way when food is involved. I’m actually saving all your lives… so you’re welcome. I promise on Monday your gonna just want to shut me up about how much I’m going to write about. Ooo and I’m going to EDC (Electric Daisy Carnival) this weekend and I’m super-duper excited! Okay that’s it for today…Peace out!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I’m telling you don’t mess with Sluttie McSlutterson and her food… I’m just trying to live people)

 

 

J.E.R.K.!!!

“You need to give it up…had about enough… it’s not hard to see…THE. BOY. IS. MINE.” Please tell me I’m not the only one that acts out both Brandy and Monica’s parts in the beginning of The Boy Is Mine. I do this no matter where I am. If I manage to catch this song from the beginning I switch into character real quick. When I’m Monica I roll my neck, use my hands a lot and cross my arms. When I’m Brandy I roll my neck (because neck rolls show whose boss), purse my lips and roll my eyes (just so you know while I was writing this i’m obviously acting it out as well). I have each character down packed/down pat…umm, urban dictionary gave me both options so I don’t know what to do with my self (just incase you don’t know what this means…it basically means to have it perfect). As I was saying my performance of The Boy Is Mine could win me both a Grammy and an Oscar!!

I’m trying this new thing where when I get a thought I want to write about I record my self. Because I’m a very forgetful person, I blame it on my self diagnosed ADD. I get so many ideas coming at me at once (especially when I’m driving), and by the time I open the notes app on my phone (I’m not sure if you knew, but it’s super illegal to like text and drive) or get a paper and pen (I know paper and pens/pencils still exist…its pretty incredible the things this paper stuff can do)…hold on I lost my train of thought…see what I’m saying even when I’m writing about how forgetful I am, I forget. Basically what I’m trying to say it that I completely forget what I was just thinking about at that moment. It’s happens to me all the time…I think I need to talk to someone about this… this cant be normal. Well I’m not normal anyway so I guess it works fine for me.

Anyway, I’m currently listening back to what I wanted to write about today…and it’s a doozer. I’m taking you on a short trip to my younger years. They’ll be several cameos from my slutties. But first I have to tell you that holy Cucamonga, I curse A LOT; and I just called myself an idiot for using Frovers fake name in my recording…ooo how I make myself laugh. Okay back to my flash back.

So back in the day, when myspace was cool, and who ever wasn’t on your top 8 meant that you didn’t give a shit about them, and whoever was booted off your top 8 meant…YOU F***ED UP real bad!

There was a group of slutties/sluttos that called themselves J.E.R.K. (No I’m not gonna tell you why…that’s later when you’ve earned my trust) any who these Slutties created THE longest list of rules to live by (I wanna say it was like 120 rules…Slutties correct me if I’m wrong…I don’t really remember). One of the rules (which was my favorite)…if possible in any scenario answer or speak in song lyrics! The best rules J.E.R.K. lived by were: F*** falling in love, ass before friends (we were real lady like back then), money before ass, and another good one was, your only allowed 1 good cry in front of the rest of us. It’s not like we were heartless bitches (all the time), we just didn’t/still don’t like too many of those things people call “emotions”. Now that were older and bitchy-er we don’t live by these rules anymore. Though we still do believe in Ass before friends; but I wanna say if one of us were really in trouble…then maybe we might think of helping each other…but it has to be really bad…like if you get arrested…I’m sorry your staying there till I’m done.

Well that was today’s episode. See you next time on…Life As A Moon (Vino Viernes edition).

 

Love Ya froimage1m the Moon and Back,

Emily (J.E.R.K. for life!!)

Ps. just wait till I tell you about the UN-DICTIONARY.

Vino Viernes!!

Sooo it’s more like Cerveza (Beer) Fridays… todays Vino was not drinkable…that shit was like freaking poison. I’m pretty sure it’s currently burning a hole in my tum tum. What wine am I killing myself with you ask. Well like I told you last week I had bought to bottles of the Cupcake brand Vino…a red one and a white one. Last week I had Sahara Desert Red. This week I attempted to drink Skull and Cross Bone Poison white…I pretty sure the bottle has that on the warning label. I know everyone has specific tastes, but this Cupcake “Angel Food Cake” was the freaking devil!! I think they made it with freaking jalapeños; I didn’t know that angel food cake was spicy. I’m sorry Houdini (the friend…or should I say enemy that recommended this vino brand) but I am not a fan of this brand of wine! Since it is Friday, how could I not drink something alcoholic…hence why today should actually be called Cerveza Fridays. I traded that death contraption for one of my favorite beers…Stella…yuummmm! So now I am in a much happier mood. Shall we move on?

So remember when I wrote that they ended up not needing me for jury duty…well I spoke to soon. Later on that day I received some wonderful news… I had to report to jury duty the next day. I know most people would be like…WHY ME!!! NO!!! I DON’T WANNA!! I actually didn’t mind… I was super excited that I was given this GREAT POWER!!! I was gonna start putting mofos in jail, or getting people the money they deserve… “It’s their money and they need it NOW”. I get to the courthouse and my excitement keeps growing…I’m looking around to see where the hell I have to go and BAM!!! Me thinks me founds the new love of my life…this cop was so freaking DEEELISH!!! I was about to be like “excuse me sir I want to make a citizens arrest, because you stole my heart”…ooo or “Did it hurt? When you fell outta heaven.” Ooo or “Do you have a band aide? Because I scraped my knee falling for you.” Okay okay I’m done…but I’m telling you I saw hearts floating around this mans head. I didn’t even care about righting wrongs anymore…it was love at first sight…well for me. As I walked away from my future ex-husband, I told my self I’ll do this jury duty stuff all the time if he’s gonna be here. After being distracted I finally reach where I have to be, and four hours later…. I wasn’t chosen again… but I spent the morning imaging my life with my future cop ex-husband. We would watch Netflix together, we would drink together, we would watch some more Netflix together. I know it was B.E.A.UTIFUL. So it was a pretty productive day for me. Ooo and Manny Mandingo (that’s my cars name) got a bath yesterday!! He’s so fresh and so clean clean.

I’m sorry guys, besides me sitting in traffic for an hour…my life was not eventful today. Maybe I’ll have something good for you next week.

FullSizeRender-2Don’t forget Lunatics this Sunday is Mothers Day!!! I got my mum a mothers day card and I’m going to tweak it a little bit…it’s gonna be HIGHlarious. I’ll post a picture on Monday.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (master pick up artist… My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can’t hold it in…okay okay I’m done now)

 

Am I A Gold-Digger?

Nothing too B.A.N.A.N.A.S. sandwich happened this weekend. I went to IKEA and realized that I only like shopping in IKEA…I tried writing IKEA with you know, the (I) being capitalized and the rest of the letters lower case, but It’s not as aesthetically pleasing to the eye… Ikea…see what I mean, I don’t like it. As I was saying I only like shopping at IKEA online. I cannot deal with the walking around in circles and having to walk throughout the whole store to get to what I’m looking for. If you haven’t been to IKEA, let me break it down for you. The store is laid out like a gallery; everything is set up by the section of the house they should be in, like everything that goes in a bedroom is in the bedroom section, the bathrooms, the kitchens, the kids rooms…and blah blah blah. So on Saturday Boobielicious and I went to look around and I was kind of sort of looking for a bookshelf but not really, any way it took us like twenty minutes to get to that section, and by the time I got there I wanted nothing to do with bookshelves. Of course I still looked at them though, since it practically took us three hours to find them! After we passed the bookshelves it took us another hour to get out of the store because we had to follow the freaking arrows to get out. Moral of the story I shant return to IKEA!

If you remember on Vino Viernes I gave everyone the 411 on how to gauge a woman’s mood by the amount of Oreos she’s consumed. Well I think I might have another doozer for you.

Again based on obvious scientific facts, I’m going to let you know, how you know the man/woman your about to go on a first date with is a keeper. Now you must remember, this only works as a first date thing. If you’re on like date five, I’m sorry to tell you but your shit outta luck, I got nothing for you… maybe next time. So it’s pretty simple… if your date takes you to lets say Applebees for your FIRST DATE you might have to tell homeboy/homegirl to get to steppin. He/she’s only taking you there so he/she can do some two for $20 action, HOW RUDE (thank you Stephanie Tanner for your wise words)!! This is the one time you’re supposed to impress this person…it’s like they always say (I’m not sure who they are but they say this) first impressions can make or break you, I feel like somewhere in the world this has been said. And no I’m not a gold-digger…anymore…hehehehe I joke I joke (now I ain’t saying she a gold-digger, but she aint messin with no broke n****… thank you Kanye I couldn’t have said it better my self) any other time Applebees is the spot…especially after 10pm for those half price apps (appetizers). I just feel it’s not a first date kind of place. Now if your date takes you to Red Lobster, Joe’s Crab Shack, or Olive Garden that mofo is in it for the long haul…if he/she likes it or not, they’re stuck with you for life…bwuhahahaha!!! You know your date is going to be dropping a decent amount on this date…okay so I might, slightly be a gold digger…live with it, I am. You might ask “Emily the Great how do you come up with this geniusness?” Well my child this is how it went down. I was walking by a Red Lobster and turned to Boobielicous and was like “Yo if a dude brought me to Red Lobster, or Joe’s Crab Shack on a first date, that mofo is a keeper…you know he’s gonna be dropping dough cuz these mother-Fers (obviously I cursed forreals then) are expensive”. Voila, the science behind my theory! So sad, It’s that time again…don’t miss me too much!

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (re-formed Gold Digger…kinda)

Vino Viernes!!!

OMG!!! it feels like I was just writing and drinking for last weeks Vino Viernes, it might be because all my days just kind of blend into one another.

As most of you should know by now I’m a huge advocate of Barefoot Wine!!! I just love it, even if it does taste like I’m drinking sand paper!!! It’s the best sand paper I’ve ever had. Yesterday my friend Houdini told me about this wine brand that he likes, its called Cupcake and that I should try it for Vino Viernes!! Sooooo guess what wine I’m trying…. that’s right I’m drinking Cupcakes Zinfandel (this isn’t the wine Houdini told me he liked…he likes the Merlot; this was just one of the bottles I found…and yes I said one of the bottles because if I was trying a red one I’m trying a white one but that’s for next week). I’ve told you guys before that I have no clue how to describe wines, or what wine pairs best with whatever food, but today I can tell you that this wine taste like freaking twigs!! Like Grandmother Willow was stomping on these grapes with her branchy ass stumps and dropped a couple twigs and berries, if you know what I mean. I thought I used to get bad cottonmouth after a night of drinking…this COTTON MOUTH I HAVE RIGHT NOW RIVALS ALL COTTON MOUTHS!! And my glass is still a little more than half full!! Excuse me Cupcake I would like a glass of wine with my COTTON!! I even tried putting some Sprite in this bitch, but I think the sprite was scared because homeboy is nowhere to be found!!

Since todays brand of wine is called Cupcake I decided to stay in the dessert aisle for today.

When I got out of work yesterday I was in the mood for something sweet. So I stopped at a store on my way to my car and bought some Oreos. On my drive home while I ate my Golden Double Stuf’d Oreos, I thought this is a perfect way to figure out where a girls head is at… you know to see if she’s in a good mood or BITCH DON’T EVEN LOOK IN MY VICINITY. Just so you all know this is purely scientific facts, so obviously this is all correct…because I’m like a super duper Scientist. The tools needed are the Jumbo box of Oreos (can be found at your local Sam’s, BJs, Costco…wherever you buy your bulk sized goods…it brings about 8-10 sleeves of Oreos). Keep in mind the flavor and stuf’dness of the Oreo comes into great consideration. Lets just say anything Double Stuf’d your kinda in pre-menstruation mode already, so beware anything can happen. The regular kind vary… if you’re buying seasonal ones your just testing those, so those don’t count…unless they’re the new Red Velvet ones…Giiiiirl them shits are DEEEELISH… eat as many as you can!!

So here’s the Oreo Mood Finder Breakdown.

4-6 cookies: is just because you didn’t want to buy the while bag of Oreo’s so you just bought those small “snack” packets

1-1.5 sleeves of cookies: well that’s just a normal day, watching T.V.

2-4 sleeves of cookies: now were starting to enter pre-Menstruation mode, and would likey bite someones arm if they try to take the cookies away because, they think “it’s for your own good”. Also would probably cry at the drop of a dime.

Anything 5 and up: MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY… full menstruation going on and/or I’m sorry to tell you this but if you didn’t know yet CONGRATS your: expecting, bun in the oven, knocked up, some spermulators got all up in your eggnog, or you know the most common term PREGNANT!

Well ladies and gentlemen your very welcome for this insider info!! Dueces!

 

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (Your Oreo Guru)

 

Vino Viernes!!!

IMG_0539Grrrrrr, ruff ruff…. Stop, Drop, Shut’em Down open up shop…OOOO NOOOO that’s how Ruff Ryders Roll (Thank You DMX and the Ruff Ryders for that amazing intro). For the past two days I’ve been feeling real Gangsta…nah mean!! Yesterday I was in the mood to listen to some Tupac Radio on iHeartRadio (which basically consists of obvisously the man Tupac, Snoop Dogg, Biggie, Dmx, Mobb Deep, Big Pun, and all that good stuff), and I haven’t stopped listening since. This morning the song by NWA, you know the one (F the police) came on and of course I drive right by a cop car. I felt like he/she heard it and was going to pull me over and I was freaking out, but then I looked in my rearview (like five exits later… because you know, I didn’t want to attract anymore attention to my self by constantly looking back and slowing done…I swear there was some logic in that) and when I glanced up that cop was no where to be found. Yasssss!!!!

On my way home I was feeling extremely proud of my self for escaping the cops (earlier in the morning) that I was about to go to a tattoo place and get THUG LIFE tattooed across my belly (I didn’t do it by the way… my mom doesn’t approve of the tattoos I have now imagine if I came home with that…my ass would’ve be kicked out). In the middle of my bars (I hear that’s what rappers call it) of Biggies Juicy, I started thinking…holy shit I was like younger than 10 when I first heard these songs and I was rapping along to them then like a boss. But then you think about the things these rappers were saying… scandalous, I feel like the Thug Life gods have just revoked my lifetime pass!!!

Okay on a completely different subject, WTF IS GOING ON WITH THIS KYLIE JENNER CHALLENGE!! Are these kids stupid!!!! What do these kids expect is going to happen by sucking their lips into these shot glasses or whatever the hell they’re using; that they’re going to get these B.E.A.UTIFUL full lips. NEWS FLASH MOFOS that is only attainable if you were either born with them or get some work done on them, nah mean jellybean. I swear these kids are freaking nuts these days…and I thought I was freaking crazy when I was younger. I just don’t understand why these teenagers are trying to emulate another person. Just be yourself and love what was given to you. LOVE YOURSELF PEOPLE!!

OM YEEZUS!! THIS VINO IS GETTING TO ME BRAH!!! I’ M A LITTLE LIGHT HEADED!!! I’m trying a new Vino for tonights occasion its Barefoot Shiraz. It’s not really my cup of tea, but I’m still drinking it because I can’t say no to Vino. It’s a drier wine than what I like, but I put some Sprite in that shit and made my self THE most DEEEELISH Red Wine Spritzer!!!

OOOO so I took another Facebook quiz yesterday. The quizzes name is Which Five-Letter word describes you perfectly? And apparently not only do my friends and family think I’m CRAZY but so does Facebook. I don’t know if I should be offimage1ended or… actually I’m okay with it. You, Facebook, you know me well!! On that note I say good day. This wine is about to have me laid out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (This post makes absolutely no sense and. I. LOVE IT!!!)

P.S. AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON COMES OUT NEXT FRIDAY!!!! AHHHHH!!!!