Buzzfeed is Life!!

BUZZFEED IS LIFE!!! I used to think Google was life, but it’s like number two on that list. A couple of weeks ago I figured out that Buzzfeed isn’t blocked at my job… I’ve been on it everyday since then! If you don’t know what Buzzfeed is you need to stopping reading and go to sleep because I can’t talk to you anymore! Okay okay I didn’t mean that, Buzzfeed is where I take 99.99998% of my quizzes. They are the best quizzes ever!! I’m pretty sure I might have taken every possible quiz they have since I found out that I can go on. There are ALOT of quizzes… It’s marvelous!!! Not only do they have quizzes that helps me find out how British I am… They also have actual news, so I kind of know what’s going on in the world. They also have random articles on lifestyle, how adorably amazing Tay Tay (that’s my home girl Taylor Swift… We cool like that so she lets me call her that) and Calvin Harris are together… They’re so cute they make me want to throw up, and 13 movie facts that will make you feel truly old ( that’s one of the articles they have).

So while I was scrolling and clicking random links and pictures I came across an article called “27 Funny, Random, and Bizarre Things People Have Bought Online While Drunk”. Some of these people bought the funniest things… My favorite one was a girl talking about how when her best friend gets drunk she like to order things off of Amazon. Because the girls friend likes to be surprised she never cancelled the orders as long as they weren’t that expensive. The girls friend apparently has ordered her self vibrators, and after 12 of them she started canceling the orders. I laughed so loud that my coworkers thought I was crazier than usual and just stared at me until I stopped laughing.

After going through this list of things that people have bought themselves it got me thinking… Have I ever bought myself anything interesting or fun when I was drunk. That’s when I realized that Sallie Mae hadn’t called me in like 4 days. Those Mofos call me at least 10 times a day… EVERYDAY!! So I was super suspicious, Sallie Mae doesn’t know how to let people live their lives without bothering. With that in mind I checked my account, and apparently my fucking drunk ass on Saturday made a freaking payment to Sallie Mae!!! Apparently drunk me is super responsible and pays off freaking loans instead of buying my self pretty surprises!!! The only surprise I got was when I looked at my bank account and saw that I really did pay that hoe Sallie… It was on my damn statement!!! I must’ve gotten to the point where my drunkness completely passed Delilah and made me a grown up… Ugh!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I’m gonna have to start hiding my credit/debit cards when I get drunk… I might end up paying my car two months in advance)

I won the Lotto… Or I thought I did!

Soooo today I’ve decided to tell you the time I thought I won the lotto! A couple of weeks ago I had this crazy dream that I won the Cash 4 Life (when you win $1,000 a day for the rest of your life…pretty freaking sweet!!). I know I was freaking jumping off, I mean literally jumping off the walls. I was practically levitating, that probably should have clued me in that I was dreaming, but my dream felt so realistic. You know what else should have helped me realize that I was dreaming; was the fact that after I looked at the numbers on my lotto ticket and realized I won, my bank account balance became rather large extremely quick (which of course I wasn’t complaining). I’m pretty sure though that that’s not how it works. Like I don’t think the NJ Lotto Department (whatever the heck they’re called) has your bank info and just direct deposits the money to your account…or does it, because I’ve never won so I probably shouldn’t be talking all this caca.

In my dream I was feeling extremely generous. I paid off all my parents bills, they’re house, they’re cars, I paid off all of they’re debt and I sent them on some extravagant vacation. Another reason I should have known this was a dream…not that I wouldn’t do all that for them because I would in a heart beat if I had the money, but I know that Daddy Moon wouldn’t be caught dead on an air plane. If he can’t drive there he ain’t going (his words not mine). As I was saying I was feeling so generous that after I paid off all of my bills and all that school loan debt…(Dear Sallie Mae, I hate your sinking guts, you make me vomit, you’re the scuuuum between my toes. Love (Hate you) Emily… I freaking love The Little Rascals). What the heck was I saying again…ooo right so after I paid off all my stuff I decided I would pay off my brothers’ debt and pay for my cousins tuition. I know what your thinking… Gosh Darn it even in this wonderful womans dream state she is still the kindest, most generous, most AWESOME soul you’ll ever meet in your freaking life. I wish I could meet her, she sounds amazeballz. The next morning when I woke up, Ladies tell’em I woke up like this…I woke up like this…FLAWLESS (thank you Queen B…Beyonce for those of you that don’t know…and you should be ashamed if you didn’t know who I was talking about… shame shame shame), sorry you should know by now I can’t help breaking out into song and movie quotes
(it’s the tiny Performer I keep in my pocket that just needs to be let free). So when I woke up I was so freaking excited I went straight from my phone, you’d think I’d check my bank account…NOPE, I checked Instagram first… I’m telling you Instagram is a drug, and I’m a freaking addict!

Any who after I checked Instagram, and realized at 6:30 in the morning people are usually still sleeping and no ones really Instagraming (should there be two M’s..Instagramming?), I checked my bank account super excited to find all this dough…TO HAVE MY DREAM SHATTERED… I was just as broke as I was when I first went to sleep. What a freaking horrible way to start off your day, am I right? And on top of everything else it was Monday and that on itself is a suckfest. After I convinced myself not to throw my phone across the room (because obviously it wasn’t the phones fault that my bank account didn’t know that the dream should have been real…I’m totes not over it if you couldn’t tell), so I talked my self off the ledge, and started wondering what I would really do if I won the Lotto. I hope that I can be just as good a person as my dream self was. I know I would definitely do anything and everything I can for my parents, but I hope I can somehow help other people in need, that would be an amazing feeling. Well thanks for getting through this re-telling of my dream… your lucky, my dream used to be much more detailed when I was younger. I would’ve had you here for days.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Still broke as hell…but loving my life)

PS. What would you do if you won the Lotto? (ponder that, shall we)