Car Lights? Blimps? and Hair? Oh My!

I don’t know what it is about Wednesday’s, but apparently everybody and their mother decides to go to work on this day of the week. Every other day there aren’t that many cars on the road, but today shit was cray cray. I was like why are there so many cars today it’s freaking Thursday… But then something on the radio said something about it being Wednesday, and I was like oh now all these mofos on the road makes sense. Because every Wednesday there’s always a trillion cars out. I want to know where these other people work because if they only have to work on Wednesday… Where can I send my resume (daaaayum I should be a rapper… You saw how that ish rhymed!!)!! And the others if you took of Monday and Tuesday why go back Wednesday, might as well stay home all week.

Speaking of driving, on my way home today the car that was on my right had a red little light on the side view mirror. I see this and I become fascinated with it. The whole ride home I’m making sure I stay near the car so I can look at this light (I think I was either a cat or a dog in a past life because I get distracted very easily). Out of no where the cars little light turns off, and I was like where’d ya go, where’d ya go, come back! So I speed up to get closer to the the car, and the light turns on again. I was super excited, the lane I was in started going slower than the one the other car was in; so I slow down and the cars little light turns off again. My lane starts moving faster and I get closer to the car, and you wouldn’t believe what happened… The light turned on again. I finally realized that this car was sensing my car every time I got closer. That car was so freaking smart man!! It was tell it’s mommy that I was in her blind spot. What I nice little car. When I can trade Manny Mandingo in ( my vroom vroom) I’m totes gonna get a car that tells me when there’s other cars next to me, only because I like the little light in the mirror.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there is absolutely no structure in these posts. So on that note, I’m probably the only one that thinks this but anyway, on Saturday I went to Walmart with my cousin (let’s call him Sacamoco Tira Peo… Translation: take out your boogers and throw farts) and just so you know Walmart is packed at all hours of the day!!! We were there at freaking 10 something at night and there were a bajillion people… Like go home people were here trying to buy some fans!! As I was saying while we were getting out of the car I saw a white blimp over the city. I turned to Sacamoco and tell him “you know every time I see a blimp I just think theres an evil mastermind in there with his crew plotting evil things.” It’s not just any evil mastermind, I usually picture Dr. Evil and his crew sitting at an oval table in the middle of a parana moat. This is every time I see blimp, but this blimp especially screamed Dr. Evils secret layer, it was all white and Dr. Evilish!

Okay my children it’s been fun but it’s that time of year again…I have to go shave! I swear I’m gonna get waxed!! Ugh I hate shaving! OOOO if I ever become super rich the first thing I’m doing is getting laser hair removal for my whole body, well except for the hair on my head, but I would totes get my eyebrows perfectly lazered so I wouldn’t have to do them again!!! This is like the most genius plan ever!!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I can’t wait till I become super duper rich so I can be hairless)

Speed Racers!!

I had a fun little adventure today… Okay okay it wasn’t necessarily an adventure, but I’ll take what I can get. Any who, I had to go to my doctors office to pick up some papers, but the office closes at 6. Which isn’t bad, but my friends, the plot thickens… I get out of work at 5… Dum Dum Duuuuuuum…( thank you Tim… That was B.E.A.UTIFUL, I’ve missed you, I haven’t been using my musicians lately… And I’m very sorry for that guys). That’s not the only dilemma…the thick plot thickens again, I work at least half hour away from my doctors office and that’s on a no traffic day. Today was TRAFFIC CENTRAL!!! I’m telling you, once people see a drop of rain fall… It’s like their minds just shut off the part that knows how to drive.

I was behind soooooo many stuuuuupid people, that shit was bananas… BANANAS! One thing that made me laugh was that one of the stuuuuuuupid people was my Tio Platypus. If only he heard the obscene things I was calling him.

Anyway back to my story… At this point I look at the time and it says 5:45, and I was still about 15mins away from the doctors office. It was a race against the clock!!! It was intense, the whole time all I heard was the mission impossible theme song (dum dum dumdum dum dum dumdum… Pa nana pa nana… Dum dum dunna) shit got crazy! I started bobbing and weaving and I think I might have drifted. I just want to take this time to thank Grand Theft Auto for teaching me how to drive like a maniac… Ooo and also the movie Need for Speed, because I still had the adrenaline coursing through me after watching the movie on Sunday.

Okay sorry back to the story… At this point it’s like 5:55 and I’m stuck at the longest red light known to life!!! It felt like it took years off my life, but it was only really like a minute. Light turns green and I take off almost taking a pigeon with me ( I’m sorry pigeon!), I make a right, then a quick left, then another right…it’s now 5:58… I pull up to the doctors office my tires screeching. I got out of the car and run up the stairs… I ring the bell and……… ( the dots are to build up suspense) they let me in. As I opened the door I glanced at the hours of business thing hanging on the door, and this shit says they close at 7!!!! That franking bitch I called this morning said they close at 6!!! I spadidled (drove extremely fast) like a crazy person, almost became a pigeon murderer, and called my uncle horrid (must say with British accent) names! That freaking bitch! Now I’m here outside parked outside my house waiting for someone to get home because I managed to lose my keys somewhere in my house! Ooo Mommas home…I’m out, I gotta pee real bad!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the next star in the Need for Speed movie… *Wink wink*… Just in case they make a second one… I’m totes down)

Vino Viernes!!!

Holy sweet heavenly goodness in a glass of AWESOME!!! This wine is sooooo freaking AMAZEBALLZ, I thinks I just fell in LURVE!! I’m so In love right now that I’m just gonna sing for you!!! “Im in love with the VI-NO, Vi-no, I got for the Low low( must be sung in that I’m in love with the CoCo way)… Got me looking so crazy right now this WINE got me looking so crazy right now… This WINE is on FIIIIIYAAAAH… This wine is on Fiiiiyaaaaaah… I am in love with you, You set me free, I can’t do this thing call drinking with out you here with me… Hey delicious Vino let me whisper in your ear, tell you some things you might like to hear… Tonight I’ll be your naughty girl, I’m not calling any of my girls cuz I want you to myself, because your so delicious.” This medley is dedicated to Barefoots Rosa Red Blend!!! I just want to say I’ve never met a wine that just knows me like you do… Your my wine soulmate/bottle. I’d like to take this time to thank: the guy who raps that CoCo song (sorry I don’t know your name), Alicia Keys, the Ying Yang Twins and of course Beyoncé for those wonderful renditions, Rosa Red Blend and I thank you very much.

Sorry I got carried away, but I’m telling you this wine is sooooo good!!! It’s sweet but not to sweet ( like I likes it… I was trying to think of something naughty to say but it didn’t make any sense) and the best part it’s bubble-y toooooooo ( I put extra Os because I’m not sure if it’s this to or this too… So I make it extra!!!).
I was totally gonna write something else, but I’m so in love right now I don’t want to ruin the moment, and I also might have forgotten what I was gonna write.

Ooo okay so today… I took another quiz!!!! You just know that “these are a few of my favorite things” ( brief cameo from Julie Andrews… The goddess I pray to, as Fräulein Mary from The Sound of Music). As I was saying, taking quizzes is my favorite thing to do in the world… Besides drinking this Vino. Today’s quiz was, What is your southern name? When I saw this I was like HECK FREAKING YEAH I NEED TO KNOW WHAT MY SOUTHERN NAME IS!!! It’s as amazing as I thought it would be. My southern name is Savannah Summers. I just freaking love it!! The best thing about this was that my mom actually wanted to name me Summer. Just in case you don’t remember I’m Hispanic, Dominican to be exact… Yes I might be the most Americanized Dominican I’ve ever met, but I still think Summer would’ve pushed me over the edge. But I do love it as my southern last name it just flows… I wanna say this was the Gods and Goddesses of Mount Olympus’s way of letting me know that Summer is destined to be apart of me. Well it’s time for me to go have a romantic evening with my vino… I’m going to need a do not disturb sign!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( but you can call me lover of Rose Red Blend, or Savannah Summers. Whatever tickles your pickle)

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My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard!

So I was like two blocks away from my house, when this sudden craving for Mozzarella Sticks and a Vanilla Milkshake … My milkshake brings all the boys the the yard , and they’re like it’s better than yours, damn right it’s better than yours, I could teach you but I have to charge… Whoa Kelis take a chill pill… La la la la la… warm it up… Kelis don’t nobody wants warm milkshake… Nasty. I’m sorry don’t mind Kelis, as I was saying a craving hit me!! The next thing I know I’m driving to the Whiteys (White Castle) drive thru. Anyone who doesn’t know what White Castle is… It the home of the murder burgers; these burgers will f*** with your stomach later… But totes worth it, because these small little nugget burgers are super DEEEELISH!!! Any way I feel like they have the best Mozzarella Sticks and Milk shakes from all the fast food places around.

On my drive back home I got stuck in traffic because of this freaking craving (there was no point for me to tell you this I just thought you should know).
These Mozzarella sticks hace the FRENCH FRY EFFECT! You know what I’m talking about; when you go to a drive thru (like, let’s say McDonald’s) and you get your meal and in the drive home you find your hand in the McDonald’s bag digging out your fries. Everybody knows the fries never make it to the house. Those bad boys are either half way or completely GONE…yoooour Gone Fries your gone… All your fries are gone, they’re all gone (that was my rendition of N’SYNCs Gone… Your welcome) any way by the time you get hom your fries are KAPUT!. That is how these Mozzarella sticks are! I don’t know why I keep making the M in Mozzarella capitalized, I think my brain just thinks it’s important enough. Anyway by the time I got home my Mozzarella sticks were gone and my Milkshake still had no give! The thing with White Castle milkshakes you have to leave that shit out in the sun for like 10 mins before you can even taste the thing without cutting the roof of your mouth with the straw. It’s been about an hour since I got my milkshake and I just put in my fourth straw because the others flew out the window all by them selves. Warning these shakes will piss you off, but once you get to the yumminess you forget all the pain you just went through. I hear it’s a lot like giving birth… Hehehehe! Clearly if these craving hadn’t occurred I wouldn’t have had anything else to write about because you know my super eventful/ exciting life would’ve gotten in the way. HA! I make myself life… See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya! Actually ( must be said in British accent) I do wanna be ya… Your lives are most likely more entertaining than mine!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( here I am lovingly gazing at my milkshake… and don’t judge my nose!!)IMG_0845

Vino Viernes!!!!

So I’ve been slipping…Ayo I’m slippin I’m fallin I can’t get up, Ayo I’m slippin I’m fallin I can’t get up, Ayo I’m in slippin I’m fallin I gots to get, Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up… Whoa!!! DMX jus’ don’ took over my body! Any way what I was saying is that it was brought to my attention by one of my friends, Mrs. Shark, that my Vino Viernes game hasn’t be on point. She literally said “no Vino Viernes, this is a disaster I’m deleting my account.” So from now on no matter how late I get home or if I’m not in the mood to drink (yes this happens… Gosh, I’m only human) I WILL drink on Vino Viernes. Because I don’t want to be yelled at again.

Now on to the wine!!! Today I’m trying a new brand. It’s called… MÉNAGE À TROIS… Hehehehe. When I saw it at the liquor store I just had to buy it. The name just pulled me in!!! So it’s Moscato… And if you know me you know I’m a big Moscato fan, aaaaand this one is in my top 5 on the Moscato list!!! It’s a little drier than what I’m used to, but it’s just Sooo good I even had to share with the parentals!!! I definitely recommend this one not only because it’s super DEEEELISH, but also because come on the name of the brand is pretty AWESOMEBALLZ!!

Soooo last night I was sucked into the YouTube Vortex!! What is the YouTube Vortex you ask? (when I ask myself these questions, I like to make believe there’s someone else actually asking me). Anyway the YouTube Vortex is when you start off watching some video at lets say 9pm and then the next time you look at the time it’s 2 in the morning and your like… WTF have I been watching for the past FIVE hrs!! Yes this happened to me last night! Everyone sit down its story time!!!
Once upon a time on the fourth day of the sixth month in thy two thousand and fifteenth year… This will take forever if I try and write my whole story in my version of Old English.
So it all started with a Buzzfeed video about a Starbucks interview where the last phase is how to write people’s names. Then right under that video there was a video called…why Starbucks spells your name wrong? It’s freaking HIGHLARIOUS!!! If you’ve ever been on YouTube you know that there’s a list either on the side or under the video you just watched that shows similar videos from what you’ve just watched… Well under that video was a video of how Ariana Grande would order at Starbucks. That is where the vortex sucks you in! You’ve been warned people!!
So when I clicked on that I watched it for a little bit, I didn’t really like it so I minimized it… And this is where my mistake happened… I should’ve just closed out YouTube but noooo. The next thing I know 2 hours have passed of me watching Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and Kelly Clarkson sing live! Not only were the videos of their own songs, I started watching the ones where they sing the national anthem. Giiiirrrl let me tell you… Goose bumps!!!
The next thing I know I’m watching videos of the funniest best man/maid of honor speeches! I have no clue how I got here!!! So now while I’m watching this I’m like if I ever become someone’s MOH… My speech has to be freaking AMAZEBALLZ!!! Then I was like what if I never get to become someone’s MOH, how will people ever hear this amazing, funny, heartwarming, but mostly funny speech that I’m preparing!
That’s when I stumbled upon a speech from the grooms sister!! And I was like YAAAAASSS!!! I have one of those things, you know a brother, so all I’m saying is my brothers future wife better let me have my moment in the spot light, because if not that bitch gon’ get got!!!

Dearest Brother of mine if your reading this I have two very important things to tell you: 1. Hurry the F*** Up and get married because this speech is gonna be LENGEN… Wait for it and I hope your not lactose intolerant because the second half of this word is…DARY!!! And 2. Tell future wifey not to get on my bad side! So yea I’m done bye!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (yes, yes I did just quote Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother and I did it real good)

Ps. I’m obsessed with Buzzfeed!!

VAnessa GINA!!

HOLY DONKEY KONG!!! I just wanna rip out my lady parts and throw them into on coming traffic… And walk away like I never knew them!!! Today VAnessa GINA decided she wanted to have her friend TECOMM over without asking permission. This mofo hasn’t been around for months and now this thing wants to show up! Real cute TECOMM real freaking cute. For those of you that might be saying “what the flap jacks just happened”; I’m bout to school you right now.
So basically what I’m trying to say is… I am menstruating! For most womans baby makers they get a friend visit monthly, which they call TOM (time of the month). Buuuut for me, not so much… VAnessa and I like to call this friend TECOMM. Why do we call it TECOMM you ask. Well it’s because it likes to come when ever the hell it feels like coming. It’s real rude like that! It doesn’t even ring a door bell or anything. It’s like I walk into my house and this mofo is just chillen on my couch, watching tv, drinking my wine, and eating all my stashed Oreos. Like I said this mofo is real rude! It’s not house broken!! By the way TECOMM stands for Time Every Couple of Months… MAYBE! Some of you might be like… isn’t that good that you don’t have to bother with it every month! Weeeeelll no… No… Not at all!! Just because TECOMM might not be flowing… Doesn’t mean I don’t get the horrible shanking, ripping, burning? ______( insert whatever word that can inflict excruciating amounts of pain here … Thanks) sensation that comes with having lady parts! Basically every month around the time I’m supposed to get TECOMM… I’m in pain, soooo, no it’s not a good thing! So I’m over talking about that… Just wanted to give you all that little snippet of my life.
Soooo I have this super border line obsessive crush on Chris Crocker!! If you don’t know who I’m talking about… You have to check him out. He’s freaking HIGHLARIOUS!!! I love all his Vlogs. Not only does he preach the truth, He absolutely makes my day! I would love to Vlog, but then that would mean I would actually have to wax my hairy ass eyebrows every two weeks and have my hair done all the time…. And Honey Bunches of Oats my ass is to lazy for that life. So I chose to Blog instead so I only show my face when I’m camera ready… And that’s only on special occasions. Now I vicariously Vlog through Chris Crocker!!!
Well it’s time for me to go perform for my beloved fans ( I gotta go wash my hair)!!!

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,
Emily ( if you heard the things I want to do to these freaking ovaries right now… OOOO girl you wouldn’t believe it!)

June…Is It you?

HELLO JAN… I mean JUNE!!! I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be warm, not freaking 55 degrees!!! Mother Nature you have got to get your shit together girl. It’s not cute anymore. I understood having this kind of weather in April… But home girl we are officially in June. Stop yourself before you go to far. This time of year is supposed to be warmer weather for us in the east coast of the U.S. I’m not sure if you got your A countries/continents mixed up but we’re north AMERICA… not AUSTRALIA, where they are in fall going into winter. Here in North AMERICA it’s spring going into summer. I just thought I should clarify that for you because girl what ever your smoking, it must be some real good shit.
I’m over my rant about the weather, on to something else.
This weekend I got to see all my slutties in one place! That’s a rarity to catch us all together in one place. We were doing the Arthritis walk for Mamasitas daughter Princess Peach. The whole crew showed up even some extras like Mamasitas daughter who I already named and Mamasitas son Yoshi. Ooo one of our other sluttos was there,let’s call him the Green-Eyed Mofo… And Mama and Papa Moon made cameos. So it was a pretty amazing weekend!
Have you ever been in the zone when your driving, and when your at a red light you look around and make eye contact with the driver next to you. Well, that happened to me today… twice, and all at the same red light. I should’ve just stopped and looked forward when I made eye contact with the lady standing at the bus stop. But no why would I do that, as I turned my head to the right, I had a feeling that shit would get weird. Of course it did… I looked over and looked right into this guys eyes, it was so weird I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I smiled awkwardly and waved, meanwhile the guy had already looked away and drove off, so I basically looked like a creep. Ooo wellz… Ta ta for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the weird person that makes eye contact with people)

Un-Vino Viernes…Sober Sally!

So I’m being super boring today and I am not drinking! I know I’m such a loohooo ser-er (when reading that just think Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura Pet Detective). I’ve decided because I drank Vino on Wednesday that I can have a pass on Friday. Also because I didn’t buy a bottle of vino nor did I have an alcoholic beverage at dinner tonight… So I’ve decided to stay Sober Sally, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be sober… I hope someone out there is carrying of the Vino Viernes tradition and is getting they’re drink on and have a drink for me please, I’d really appreciate it.

On to more interesting things… These past couple of days… Actually weeks I’ve been super duper emotional, and it SUCKS BIG WALRUS BALLZ!!! I…excuse me my brother is texting…BRB (be right back… for those not up on the AOL/AIM lingo).

Okay I’m back… gosh he’s so freaking annoying! As I was trying to say before my brother rudely interrupted; I have either been crying my eyes out or I get a little watery eyed, and it’s for the stupidest reasons. It’s not really anything cry your eyes out worthy. Well except these freaking videos of soldiers reuniting with family…that gets me every time… I sob like its nobodies business, and it’s a real loud ugly cry man. Ooo gosh another thing that made me cry the other day was this video of people doing nice things for one another. Holy Chocolate Chip Cookies… I cried a freaking river.

So there are different types of cry’s I have discovered in these long and emotional weeks. I’m pretty sure I’m just super sensitive because I have like a hormonal blockage or something. This shit can’t last, right? Any way back to what I was saying. These are my types of crys. Damn that was beautiful cry…where you just attempt a smile but cover it with three fingers and either shake your head or nod. There’s also the extra ugly (because no one looks cute crying…you like scrunch up your face trying to hold it in…its not pretty) any who that gut wrenching cry…where you can barely catch your breath…I usually get these when I see those really sad dog commercials… you know the ones with that song in the back ground “in the arms of an angel”…UNCONTROLLABLE SOBS. I literally have to change the channel or else ill go broke trying to adopt all those beautiful animals…even the cats and I’m not the biggest fan of cats! And finally it’s the your not going to let these people at your job see you cry Emily one. This one is me hiding the fact that whatever news story I just read made me want to cry, so I lean my head back open my eyes wide and blink until I have dried my eyes.

Today I teared up at least six times, fours times at work because the news was really hitting me in the lady gonads today, and finally, twice about and two hours ago at the movies. Boobielicious and I went to the movies to see Aloha… which was great I absolutely loved it!!! In the movie there’s a scene where Rachel McAdams cries and I felt my eyes glisten. Anytime Rachel cries you have to cry because she’s so freaking good at it!! Rachel is the only one that cries pretty…the only one! I love Rachel McAdams!!

Okay I’m done telling you about my crying fits. Now on to something super freaking weird. I had a dream the other night where I was stuck in a 21st century Romeo and Juliet. You remember the Romeo and Juliet version with Leonardo Dicaprio, where they had guns and all that jazz. Well my brains version was much worse. Mine had…I’m assuming… my boyfriend and his family living on one side of a it’s either a football or baseball field and my family living on the other side. Our families hated the idea of us together that they started shooting at each other. Not just with regular handguns, these mofos had skilled snipers and AKs. Shit got serious; it felt like a scene right out of The Purge. While our families are fighting, my boyfriend and I are running away and doing some pretty awesome parkour stunts.

Either I’m completely bat-shit crazy, and this is my minds way of slowly breaking down on me or I’m a FREAKING ARTISTIC GENIUS. I wonder if we’ll ever find out. Well I’m done for tonight…see you on the flip side.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I think all these tears are making me lose my mind)

 

Ps. I had Chili’s for din din tonight and they have to most DEEEEELISH cheese things (I don’t remember what they’re called)…holy Hannah Montana they were freaking amazeballz!

Wining and Painting

I Know I know…I’m sorry this is so late but I actually had plans today I know crazy but I did. My mum brought me to her company gathering. We went to wine and paint night or wine and drink night something like that, and it was AMAZEBALLZ. When I first thought about doing this with my friends I was like YASSS, I need to do this. After the idea settled I started getting a little nervous. Like what if my painting doesn’t come out anywhere near decent or even remotely resemble what ever it is we are supposed to be painting. So I pretty much stressed my self out for nothing. It’s pretty easy, our instructor was really nice and encouraging. Well I suppose she has to be because you know we paid for this. Any who they really take they’re time and walk you through everything. Like what color were staring off with and how to correctly blend colors. Not only was I becoming a painting master I felt at the end of our session that I could be the one instructing. I guess I’ll leave that to you to decide.

image1-2So here’s where we started with a blank canvas and somewhat full glass of wine (I might have had one or two sips)… At this point I was still pretty optimistic that I could handle this. I was glancing over at the example we were going to be painting and it look relatively simple.

FullSizeRender-3At this point I started getting a little worried, my blues weren’t correctly blending with each other and the middle was supposed to go from white to light blue and blah blah blah… There’s a little dark patch there that was really pissing me off. Throughout this whole thing I’m thinking that this would be a relaxing experience, but when my shit wasn’t looking like the instructors I started getting annoyed!! Like honestly how hard is it to just paint the damn canvas blue!!!

image3Now the trees… Ooo these damn trees!!! Looking at the picture they don’t look that bad, but this took a lot of concentration!!! And I learned that I would never be a surgeon… I got some shakes hands man!

image4And finally the finished product and my empty glass of wine ( I at least three after that I decided it would be wise to forget how many I actually had)!!! I’m the next freaking Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet, Rembrandt… I could continue but that’s about the extent of artist that I know. Ooo my art history professor would be so pissed at me. Once the class is done and I’ve passed it I forget everything I was taught as fast as humanly possible. My brain needs room for next semesters classes!
Well I’m out its time for bed!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back.
Emily ( but you can know refer to me as Emily Picasso-Van Gogh-Monet)
Ps. If you haven’t gone wine and painting I suggest you do it… It was the best time ever!!

Electric Daisy Carnival

Happy Memorial Day!!! Thank you to those who fought and are still finding for our Country. You are all truly appreciated!

So as I told you guys on Friday I went to EDC (Electric Daisy Carnival) this weekend!!! It was so much fun but extremely freaking exhausting. I love to people watch…sometimes when I people watch I like to find people that look like they’re having a really intense conversation… so I can add commentary as if I was at a sporting event… it’s a blasty blast, you should try it. There was really no connection between telling you about my weird habit and EDC…I just thought everyone should know.

So I saw some interesting things at EDC… I saw several different color areolas…some were bejeweled while others were just covered by see through shirts. OOOOO I also saw some penises flopping around. The first guy I saw caught me off guard… he had on bright green boxers and when he turned around BAM the area where the sack lays was mesh…MESH PEOPLE!!! I saw it all…and I couldn’t look away!!

So because of my weekend experiences…I’ve composed a EDC Survival Guide and here it is:

  1. Make sure to wear comfortable shoes…because if you don’t your feet will be in pain…if your feet are even still there when you leave. Just saying shit gets intense. Clothing choices are up to you… if you want to go in your birthday suit I suggest wear sensible shoes.
  2. Be prepared to see other people’s goodies and gonads. They will be on full display.
  3. If you plan on drinking I suggest either bringing made dough, mula, money…or just tailgate because it be super expensive.
  4. Ooo I wish I would’ve thought of this, but bring one of those water backpacks because your gonna need it. I was super close to just drinking from some stranger’s water.
  5. Also you should train you bladder and bowels to not have to go…because those porta-pottys are fucking (yes I said fucking) DISGUSTING!!!
  6. While your tailgating I suggest you stretch. Because I’m pretty sure I tweaked some shit.
  7. Be prepared to be extremely sore…or maybe that’s just me because my body is killing me!!
  8. If you plan on going two days in a row like me and my friends did…a couple of months before the festival you should probably build up your stamina because your going to be jumping out of your bras and boxers.
  9. Ladies this is really important…make sure to wear a good bra or maybe four because at the end of the first night…I’m sad to say my bra didn’t make. The underwire popped out so now I gotta buy a new bra. Also my boobs are probably the sorest part of my body. (If you are a member of the itty bitty titty committee…you should be good so disregard this one)
  10. And finally be safe and just have a blasty blast… you will have the best time of your life!
  11. Sorry one more be prepared to get second hand high…because yeah that happens.
  12. Ok ok last one, bring sunglasses…not only for the sun but also for all the lights that will be blinding you.

And there you have it folks…Emily’s EDC Survival Guidelines.

 

470164_lLove ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (now I must go ice my body)

 

Ps. Me and some guy shimmied our titties at each other…I’m pretty sure he was gay, but I still call it a win. And it was possibly the most action I’ve had in a while. Saddest panda.