Soooo you know I’m obsessed with anything having to do with the Disney Princesses. I’ve always wanted to be one since like forever, but you know that never happened! Any whoooo today while I was doing the dishes (I know scandalous… Me doing dishes!) for some reason I started thinking of all the Disney Princesses and how at some point in their movies some of them are doing dishes… Like Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana, I’m pretty sure Belle was doing dishes in that little cottage she lived in with her father, and Aurora (I think). Then it hit me Ariel was playing with forks and spoons and shit but she never had to do the dishes or the mermaid equivalent. You know why!!!! Because home girl lived in the SEA until she was 16… Down there the mermaid dishes and utensils practically cleaned themselves while they were being used!! That Ariel what a lucky whore! Not only does she get the hottest Prince, oooo Prince Eric…Erik…Erick? (Which way did this dude spell it!!) I have an unhealthy obsession with thee. Sorry I got off track, as I was saying not only does she get that fine piece of ass Prince Eric… Home girl never had to do the dishes a day in her life! She never had to wonder what the fuck is this nasty shit I’m cleaning, or eeeeeewwwww, or FUCK that’s hot, or damn it I have more water on my shirt than in the sink…thanks a lot SPOON… Okay I’m done. Not only was she a Princess under the sea (you like how I threw that in there. Wink wink), she married into royalty and had servants for the rest of her human/mermaid life!! So what I’m basically saying is when I grow up I want to be Princess Ariel! That’s all for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Princess Amelia (AaaaaaahAaaaaaaahh AaaaaaahAaaaaaahhAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh… Just think of the part Ursula tells Ariel to sing so she can steal her voice and then you shall under stand the aaaaahhhs)
Welcome and Good Evening, I have something really special prepared for you tonight! It’s going to tickle your pickle, it’s going be like the Goose that gets you feeling loose, it’s going dittle your skittle, it’s going to blah blah your blah blah… Sorry I ran out of random sayings. Anyway there’s really nothing special tonight I just wanted to get everyone hyped up. I’m sorry I did that I can be such an asshole. It might actually (must say with British accent) be Delilah (my alter ego) since its been a very long time since she came out to play. When she doesn’t get out much she starts to randomly seep into my everyday life, and that’s not good because this bitch is reckless. I find it so funny that my alter ego decided to name herself Delilah… Like why couldn’t she think of something more fun. Look at Beyoncé bro her alter egos name is Sasha Fierce… It’s amazing!! This is why Beyoncé is the Queen! My life goal is to one day be so incredibly famous that phones auto correct my name like they do with Beyoncé. I’ve spelled her name so many times that it’s started to look like it’s spelled incorrectly.Soooo tonight’s wine is Cabernet Sauvignon from Sweet Bitch! I’ve never had Cabernet Sauvignon before, but I just assumed that it was a dry wine! I feel like all wines that have a fancy name are dry… Clearly I know a lot about wines. Any way this wine was incredibly sweet. It was so sweet that it felt dry if that makes any type of sense. I love the sweeter wines but this shit was like have a shit of the sweetest syrup ( I can’t think of any syrup right now… I think I’m having a surfer overload). I had everybody in my house try this wine and everyone made the same face. Their faces was as if they had just bit into a slice of lemon! My parents were even saying that this wine could give you a good case of the diarrhea. If your into really sweet wines than this brand is for you because all the bottles I saw said a Smooth and Sweet.
Today my mother and I realized we can no longer go shopping together because we enable each other to buy random things we don’t need! Our original plan tonight was to go get dinner and then go buy another beach chair for this weekend. So after we went to dinner we stopped at Sam’s Club we ended up walking back out because they didn’t have anything. Next we went to Walmart ,which is right next to Sam’s, we walked around aimlessly until we came upon the beach chairs… I had to do some climbing but we found what we needed and we got the hell out of there because shit got crazy. You know if your in Walmart to long shit gets crazy!!!
While we were in Walmart I was telling my mom that I need to buy a suitcase for my trip to California next month, so she suggested we go to BJ’s. We went to BJ’s looked at the sit cases for like two seconds (because they were crazy expensive) and almost walked out with a supersize bag of peanut M&Ms, an oversized beach towel, some random tub mat and a new shower head for my bathroom ( that was like 50 bucks… I was willing to pay $50 for a shower head I don’t need instead of buying a suitcase I do need, I sometimes don’t understand my own logic) any way thank god those longs were long and we put everything back where we didn’t find them (sorry BJ’s workers, I know we’re such assholes).
Any-who after we leave BJ’s Mama Moon and I go to Burlington Coat Factory ( I don’t think that’s the name anymore, it might just be Burlington), so while we walk around there looking suitcases ( which were just as expensive as BJ’s) we find a section of paintings and photographs… So basically we walked out of Burlington without the suitcase, but I did get three new paintings for my room. I like to call it the Wino Wall!!Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the lady at the liquor store lied to me, she said the wine would be dry! How can I ever trust her again!)
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a love/hate relationship with Manny Mandingo (that be my car). Some days I wonder in horror what kind of life would I live if I didn’t have Manny. While other times I wish he never existed. Why do I have so strong feelings about Manny I shall tell you in the form of a list (oh how I love to make lists).
The following are the reasons why I Love Manny:
1. Homeboy gets me places. Anywhere I want to go he got my back.
2. I love to randomly drive around with the windows down and the music blasting! I only like doing this when its night time and there aren’t a lot of cars in the streets. The less cars the less people judge me when I’m performing for my adoring fans!
3. I love to speed. I just get this rush when I’m going fast… I have moments where I think I’m in Need For Speed or GTA (Grand Theft Auto) and the cops are following me and I have to get away from them so the blinking stars on the top of my screen go away. Ooo good times.
4. Music just sounds better when your aimlessly driving. The only works when there is no one else in the car with you and your just strolling around town and your connecting with the music because at that moment iHeart just knows how your feeling and they put that song that makes you feel things and your just like “Damn iHeart you know me so well it’s like your in my soul.”
5. When I need a place to be by myself and just work my shit out I know I can trust Manny to listen to me either cry, talk shit about my friends or whine about my parents. Manny just understands me like nobody else. The best part is when I’m talking to him nobody really judges me because they probably think I’m just animatedly talking on the phone… Well I hope that’s what they’re thinking.
The following are the reasons I Hate Manny:
1. This mofo makes me pay for his loyalty and friendship monthly!
2. On top of having to pay for him to stay around this mofo expects me to feed him as well. It might only be like once a week, but damn I’m like paying at least thirty bucks to make sure he’s full and sometimes that’s not even enough!
3. Driving when a lot of other people are on the road and being stuck in traffic… Sucks AssCakes!!
4. This thing is like a child not only do I need to feed it, but I also have to give this mofo a bath! Like my laundry I pay for someone else to do it for me.
5. I have very bad road rage because of him and other people! I’ve realized once I started driving I hated people with faces! I have very bad anger/hatred issues because of Manny!
Even after all the crap Manny puts me through I love him more than I hate him, because without my car I wouldn’t be able to get to work, go to the movie theatre, or even go on fun road trips. I love you Manny Mandigo I swear one of these days I’ll get you some gas and take you to get washed… Hopefully sometime this week, you know how lazy I get!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I’ve become extra lazy, but that’s not only Mannys fault… That just started happening after I got my license and has just become worse because of Manny and Hammy Mocha Baby (my first car).
Just finished watching the movie The Giver… All I gots to say is… EVERYONE MUST WATCH THIS! I don’t care if it’s not your kind of movie… Dooo it!!! Okay okay maybe I should tell you a couple of things to persuade you to watch it!
1. I said it’s amazing and that should be reason enough… I joke I joke… But seriously watch it it’s really good.
2. The main character (played by Brenton Thwaites) is absolutely gorgeous… Although I thought he was like 16ish turns out he’s actually 26 (thank the lord for that).
3. Brenton Thwaites is Australian… And also plays Prince Philip in Maleficent… Nuff said.
4. Jeff Bridges… Loves him!!!
5. The goddess of all Meryl MotherFing Streep… Hellur!!!
6. Cute babies all over the place
7. It can be a total mind fuck, which I love!
8. Eric Northman (Alexander Skarshard) is still a beautiful creature… If you don’t know Erin Northman you better get up on that True Blood!
9. If movies aren’t your thing, this movie is based off a Book by the same name… And if the movie was this good… The book is probably 20 times more amazing (as books usually are).
10. T. Swizzle, Tay Tay, Swifty, my home girl Taylor Swift makes a 10 minute cameo! So what are you freaking waiting for!!!
I just told my cousin Saca Moco that I wasn’t gonna write about the movie… I lied I wanted to keep him in suspense!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just so you know it’s hot as the Devils sons armpit in this freaking room)
I have a bone to pick with freaking vending machines!!! Today I was extra broke right and I really needed something sweet after lunch. I was gonna get M&M the peanut ones…I would’ve totes got the pretzel ones because those are theBomb.Com, but those weren’t in the choices I was presented with.
So I usually have lunch in my car, and it’s not because I don’t have friends (just in case you were wondering… I have a whole bunch of friends!!). Anyway me and Boobielicious have lunch together in my car so we can watch Orange is the New Black without anyone bothering us. While we were watching the show I got this M&M craving, so I start looking around my car for spare change. I only found 75cents (and in the store the candy is like 90cents) in nickels and dimes, and another 50cents in pennies, but because I didn’t want to look like a cheapie I decided I was gonna go to the vending machine and use the thousands of pennies I had in my car.
We get to the vending machine and this mofo doesn’t take pennies!!! I freaking dirtied my hand holding these Fing pennies for them not to be used. Pennies are Fing coins, they are a form of currency!!! You take these Fing pennies and you like it! How dare you treat Honest Abe’s side profile with such distain! RUDENESS!!! The vending machine was freaking lucky that Boobielicious had M&Ms and gave them to me, or else shit would’ve gotten real. That vending machine wouldn’t know what hit it! Watch your back vending machine. Anyway moral of the story Pennies have feelings too!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I was originally going to give everyone clues on how you know you’ve met the “One”… But this fucking vending machine pissed me off!!)
I know it’s technically Saturday but it’s still Friday night for me!!! I know I know this is two nights in one week that I’m acting my age. Idk what’s gotten into me… I’m a freaking party animal!!!!
Sooo totes had a Roooooooad TRIP today!!! Well kinda we’re just down the shore for the night, but it’s still a road trip especially because there was some traffic and I decided ,thinking I was some kind of GPS, I would be able to find a way around it. Well we did find a way but it ended up being a tour of most of central/southernish NJ. So instead of the hour and a half it ended up being about a four hour trip. So yea I consider that a road trip!
After we finally got here, we went to a bar where I drank some amoretto sours ( so it’s more like Amoretto Saturday). I know it’s not Vino, but this is my go to drink when I got out… I just couldn’t give it up. Any way we went to a bar in Long Beach Island (LBI), and I saw my first live cover band and it was AMAZEBALLZ!!!!!! Okay it’s time for me to go now I’m about to eat some CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!!! Another first for me!!! I’m popping so many cherries tonight!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (question: Did the Chicken come before the Egg?… The place I’m eating at is called The Chicken or The Egg. Im so freakin clever)
Oh yes it’s ladies night and the feelings right, oh yes it’s ladies night… Oh what a night… Oh what a night!
If my intro didn’t clue you in I’m hang out with the… Wait for it… SLUTTIES!!! I, Princess Amelia, Big Booty Judy, Frover, Ditzy Doodle and Boobielicious are here at Sluttie McSlutterson Bitch Pad (you know her apartment); watching Netflix, Drinking some Vino and reading Gay Porn Titles…you know the usual.
Soooo…the wine that we’ve decided to drink is Barefoots Reisling… I’ve had this deliciousness before, all I have to say is Scrumdidilyumtious.
Just so everyone knows alcohol and I are still not on the best of terms. After all my hard earn money going to support you and your life… How could you do this to me alcohol. I loved you once and this is how you repay me. Anyway I’m here taking the smallest sips I’ve ever taken in my life, because of my dedication to Vino Viernes.
OOOO so Frover and I were trying to buy tickets to see T. Swizzle in concert. Our plan was to wait till the last possible minute to see how low the prices would go. Although the prices were much lower than when we checked we ultimately decided not to go. As much as we loooove Tay Tay, it just wasn’t happening. One, I didn’t have the proper outfit and when going to a Taylor Swift concert, you gotta be all Swiftied out… And I wasn’t looking right. Aaaaaand the tickets were still kinda expensive… I gotta save my money for my Vino!
Sorry peeps but I gots to go were watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days… YAAASSSS!!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Princess Sofie…Crawl the Warrior King)
Ps. I’m totes over this blonde/yellow hair I needs something new in my life.
BUZZFEED IS LIFE!!! I used to think Google was life, but it’s like number two on that list. A couple of weeks ago I figured out that Buzzfeed isn’t blocked at my job… I’ve been on it everyday since then! If you don’t know what Buzzfeed is you need to stopping reading and go to sleep because I can’t talk to you anymore! Okay okay I didn’t mean that, Buzzfeed is where I take 99.99998% of my quizzes. They are the best quizzes ever!! I’m pretty sure I might have taken every possible quiz they have since I found out that I can go on. There are ALOT of quizzes… It’s marvelous!!! Not only do they have quizzes that helps me find out how British I am… They also have actual news, so I kind of know what’s going on in the world. They also have random articles on lifestyle, how adorably amazing Tay Tay (that’s my home girl Taylor Swift… We cool like that so she lets me call her that) and Calvin Harris are together… They’re so cute they make me want to throw up, and 13 movie facts that will make you feel truly old ( that’s one of the articles they have).
So while I was scrolling and clicking random links and pictures I came across an article called “27 Funny, Random, and Bizarre Things People Have Bought Online While Drunk”. Some of these people bought the funniest things… My favorite one was a girl talking about how when her best friend gets drunk she like to order things off of Amazon. Because the girls friend likes to be surprised she never cancelled the orders as long as they weren’t that expensive. The girls friend apparently has ordered her self vibrators, and after 12 of them she started canceling the orders. I laughed so loud that my coworkers thought I was crazier than usual and just stared at me until I stopped laughing.
After going through this list of things that people have bought themselves it got me thinking… Have I ever bought myself anything interesting or fun when I was drunk. That’s when I realized that Sallie Mae hadn’t called me in like 4 days. Those Mofos call me at least 10 times a day… EVERYDAY!! So I was super suspicious, Sallie Mae doesn’t know how to let people live their lives without bothering. With that in mind I checked my account, and apparently my fucking drunk ass on Saturday made a freaking payment to Sallie Mae!!! Apparently drunk me is super responsible and pays off freaking loans instead of buying my self pretty surprises!!! The only surprise I got was when I looked at my bank account and saw that I really did pay that hoe Sallie… It was on my damn statement!!! I must’ve gotten to the point where my drunkness completely passed Delilah and made me a grown up… Ugh!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I’m gonna have to start hiding my credit/debit cards when I get drunk… I might end up paying my car two months in advance)
HAAAALLELUJAH…HAAAAALLELUJAH!!! A couple of minutes ago I had one of the best feelings in the world!!! I took off my bra!!! Yaaaaassss!!! Sherlock and Holmes ( I’ve decided this is what my boobies shall be named) didn’t want to wait till we got home. They screamed no way Jose, Let me free now, I’ve been in here way to long! All this happened while I was driving, so being the kind person I am… I let these bad boys free! Freedom!!!!
Now for the reason I’m posting this sooooo late!! I went to see Nelly, TLC, and New Kids On The Block with my slutties Frover, Big Booty Judy, Boobielicious and Ditzy Doodle!!! I’ve never seen so many middle aged woman shaking their asses off! It was freaking BANANAS!!!
Nelly…. OOOO Nelly… This man made my old school wannabe thug come out of me, and I keep that Chonga locked up tight. One of the reason Frover and I get along so well is because we think alike. At the same time we yelled out to Nelly..”Take off your shirt!!” We were ratchet city… It was pretty ridiculous! By the time Nelly got to Hot in Hurr I was ready to do exactly as that song says. Nelly my friend you have become more deeeeelish with age! I still kind of miss your bandaid though.
Next in the line up was… TLC!!!! TLC, TLC!!! Ahhhhh…. I fan girled so hard when TLC came out!!! I did notice something that I never realized before. It was more of the T-boz show than TLC… It kind of looked like Chilli was just a very expensive back up singer/dancer. I still don’t care though!!! I love me some TLC!!! When Waterfalls came out I was doing that bob and point to the right with your thumbs and then to the left like in the video!! I was on POINT!!!! Don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to… Damn I love this song!!!
Finally, New Kids On The Block… To be completely honest I’m not a NKOTB fan. I was not even a blip on my parents mind and I was too young to be one of their fans! But I still had a good time watching them perform… They were pretty amazing! There’s one thing I learned at the concert. Every group has a JT. Basically I broke down the members of NKOTB in terms I would know aka NSYNC!! Just like NSYNC, New Kids has a Justin Timberlake equivalent, which means that they have a front man!! And everybody that loved and still loves NSYNC knows that JT was the face of the band, and shut your faces JC fans nobody cares what you think. I’m sorry I take that back I care about you, but not as much as JT fans. Well peeps there you have it… JT IS EVERYWHERE!! I’m off to eat, because dancing around like a crazy person in your seat to NKOTB songs you don’t know, works up an appetite.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( OMG Mark freaking Walhburg made an appearance…. Made my night!!! I love you Marky Mark)
Leeeeeet’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLE!!!! Sorry I just saw this meme with Steph Curry and Lebron James in a boxing ring!!! It’s HIGHlarious! It’s Friday people!!!! It’s been waaaay tooooo long since I last saw you Friday and I’ve missed you. Since your here today lets drink some Vino, shall we. I haven’t changed my vino since last week… It’s just way too good to give up so soon!
Today we are having a special edition of Vino Viernes! Since Father’s Day is this Sunday I decided to dedicate this Friday to my home boy Papa Moon! This isn’t going to be like my Mother’s Day post. I’m not gonna get all emotional because I’m pretty sure Papa Moon doesn’t read this so it would be pointless. So what I’m gonna do today is just tell everyone a little bit about my Daddio in what I like to call…
The Guide to Understanding Papa Moon:
1. He looks mean and bald, but he’s harmless…Sometimes
2. He knows how to work a pink shirt… Work it girl… Fierce!!
3. He wants anything and everything that Apple makes… If Apple painted a portrait of a banana, B.A.N.A.N.A.S, he would buy it.
5. He’s most likely the clumsiest person I’ve ever met. When he shaves his head, he always manages to fuck his shit up. This mofo makes himself bleed like he cut a main artery.
6. If you buy something to eat or drink and you leave it the refrigerator, don’t ever think of eating or drinking it again. His policy is “if it’s in MY Fridge, it’s mine”.
7. He just tried to drink my wine!
8. He’s the one that wanted all these dogs.
9. He has a lot of nick names, but we like to call him the Tank!
10. Mother Fucker… Is his favorite thing to say… Ever
There you have it kiddies. He’s the best dad ever… I wouldn’t trade him for anything!!! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!
I Love You Mother Fucker for ever and ever and ever,
Mimi ( your favorite child… Everybody knows it’s true!!)