Tag: pregnant

Hair Salon Chronicles!

I was on a little hiatus these past couple of week…. Okay okay you caught me I might’ve slightly forgot to write (even with several alarms going off to remind me) but it has been pretty hectic Sundays. Two Sunday’s ago it was Mother’s Day and then last Sunday was you know the Sunday after Mother’s Day. Okay fine no more excuses. I FORGOT!!! I’m very forgetful these days I think I have pregnancy brain or something. Before anyone gets cray I’m not pregnant, but I might be sympathy pregnant. How?, you ask. My coworker is pregnant and I think she passed on pregnancy stuff to me. Or it could just be side effects of the new birth control pills I’m taking, same difference ( bwuhahahaha I cracks myself up).

A while ago I wrote about how I think elevators are possible the most awkward situation anyone could be in, but me thinks me found something slightly more awkward. Getting ones hair done at a hair salon is super freaking awkward. Okay so the whole experience isn’t all that bad. Who doesn’t love not having to wash and dry their own hair… It’s freakin magical ( with a price… Obviously). Anywho as I was saying the most awkward part of getting ones hair done is when your hair stylist is  drying/cutting the front part of your hair because she is standing really close to you and her boobies are in your face. Like honestly where do you look I feel very weird just staring straight ahead at her chesticles. So I came up with two possible solutions but only one really works so basically I only came up with one possible solution. The first one that doesn’t really work is to look down instead of straight ahead, but that could also possibly get weird because then you’d be staring at home girls crotch. The next best thing is you must close your eyes until she’s done, and try not to fall asleep because when anyone is touching my hair and I have my eyes closed I’m knocking the fuck out! Well my peaches and creams that’s all for today’s episode of hairdresser chesticles!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I totes only remembered to write today because I might have received a strongly worded letter aka an email asking me where the fuck I be)

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)