The End Of My Youth!

Join me this week as I whine and wallow in my despair. “Why all this sadness?” you ask. Well I’ll be 30 years old and that’s all I’m going to say about that. This week on “I’m Sorry, Que”, we have some fun with “Kiss Me” but Sixpence None The Richer.

Instagram: @lifeasamoon and @em_ily421

Links below to listen!


https://anchor.fm/lifeasamoon

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-as-a-moon/id1485767206?uo=4
https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy9mYjhmYmI0L3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz

https://open.spotify.com/show/5yuaE0CsX5MuqHEaDYIjK4

https://www.breaker.audio/life-as-a-moon

https://pca.st/8kxhqus0

https://radiopublic.com/life-as-a-moon-WkXjMM

https://overcast.fm/itunes1485767206/life-as-a-moon

https://radiopublic.com/life-as-a-moon-WkXjMM

The World of Online Dating Part 4… I Think.

Oh online dating has struck again. You would think after all these “interesting” conversation I’ve had that I would learn my lesson and give up on this online dating thing. I just can’t kick this bad habit. I’m sure people have found love online and all that jazz, but it’s just not working out for me. Maybe it’s because I’m doing the free dating apps because I’m too broke to actually pay and actually meet someone who isn’t cray or likes to send me dick pics on the reg. Is it too much to ask for that first time someone messages you it isn’t a shot of their appendage (nah mean).

There is one up side to online dating, and that is it has consistently given me something to talk about. So I guess there’s that. In this segment of The World of Online Dating, we will be introduced to two very special human beings.

First up is a guy who just cut straight to the chase. Please see below so you know what I mean.

I mean I know what a freaking prince! For him to just offer to call me so that I can here him relieve himself to my pictures was something I’ve always dreamed my future hubby would ask me. So precious.

Now for the doser. This guy really did a fucking 180 on me. I thought that this would possibly turn into something fun. Before this incident that you are about to read, we were having a great conversation. I even spoke to this guy on the f🌙cking phone. I hate talking on the phone. When we spoke on the phone the first time we had a pretty good conversation, keep in mind it was during my lunch and we only had about 15mins to talk so I couldn’t fully gage his crazy. Our second phone conversation(in the same day mind you) was on my drive home from work. Don’t worry it was through the cars hands free shit, so I was being a safe driver.

I had asked him why he moved to NJ from NC. And that’s when it went to shit. He thought it was rude of people to ask why he’s here, when I was just asking out of curiosity because I would’ve stayed in NC (no offense to Jersey, I love it because I was born and raised here, but if I had the option I would most likely move). So he finally decided that he wanted to tell me about he’s reasonings and his last relationship being the main reason for his move. Let me tell you it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows so I understood his need for a change (but Jersey?, there’s 49 other states). At one point during our conversation I was having trouble hearing him so I told him I’d talk to him later because I couldn’t hear him. After I hung up I texted saying I really appreciated him telling me about his past (mind you I don’t give a flying fuck… which I guess is mean but whatevs). He responded asking me if I was judgmental because he felt that I was because he thought that it was convenient for my phone to start acting up after he told me about his past. I replied apologizing that he felt that way but that I am the least judgmental person, and that I could careless what happened in his past.

So about an hr after that I’m with Sluttie McSlutterson and we’re having dinner and he decided to text me. So I told him what I was doing and didn’t really reply because I WAS. HAVING. DINNER! So this exchange is what transpired after that. Please read below.

If you don’t know what a double negative is please re-evaluate your life. If I don’t say so myself I was very nice to this guy. I could’ve been a bitch but I reeled it in. Well needless to say I blocked him!

That’s all for this segment of The World of Online Dating!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I really should give up on this shit, but I just have some much fun writing about it)

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!!

So there are moments in my life when extreme boredom takes over and I decide to do random things. In this case I decided to jump back into the online dating pool ( you get the reason for the title… aren’t I hilarious and also very Punny). Oooohhh it has been a special one. This time around it’s like my profile has been sending all types of vibes and I’ve been getting an interesting mix of guys contacting me. 

I’ve been back in the “scene” for about 3 weeks and I’ve been proposed to several times already. It’s all great and dandy and extremely flattering but when asked if I would poop on you right after said marriage proposal… it doesn’t seem quiet as flattering anymore. It’s like this guy was just swiping left until he saw my picture and was like YUP!!! This girl looks like a sh🌙tter!! The funniest part about it is that this guy isn’t the only one asking me to take dumps on him, but at least he did propose before hand so there’s that.

One guy just straight out asked me if I took big dumps. Of course I responded with “YEAH!! I take HUGE sh🌙ts!!!” Then he asked if I would sh🌙t on him and I said “would you like soft served or hard”… I know I know I even disgusted myself with that response so much that I just blocked him without seeing his response, and honestly I’m a little disappointed in myself that I couldn’t last longer with that convo. Just imagine the ammo I would’ve had. Let’s move on.

In the middle of all this poop talk there were some decent guys. One guy is actually from my town let’s call him the Town Traitor or T2 for short. After T2 and I figured out that not only do we live in the same town but we actually live in the same vicinity. It was pretty crazy. This is the first time I’ve ever met someone on these dating sites that are from my town that I don’t know. Because of that reason I asked if he just moved to our town or if he grew up here, and funnily enough he grew up here!!! This guy even knows one of my cousins!!! In all honesty knowing one of my cousins isn’t really a stretch, because I’m pretty sure the majority population of my town are related to me in some capacity. Yes, my family really likes to procreate. Any who I ended up finding out the reason I didn’t know this guys was because he went to school in my towns rival town schools!!! I know what a traitor!!! Hence the name. So now it made sense why I never knew this kid before hand.

Something funny happened the other day revolving around T2. When we first started messaging each other we were talking everyday. One day neither of us started a conversation so I decided to be a creep and go on this guys Instagram account and see who else he might know that I would know. Well on my journey of exploration I found out that he doesn’t post many pictures, also I found out we have another friend in common. This other friend went to high school with him, but I met the other friend when I went away to school in Connecticut. I know!!! CRAZY SH🌙T!! Any who so while I was creeping on this guys 5 pictures, I went to the likes to see the people who’ve liked his pictures… and because of my fat f🌙cking thumb and the fact that I believe Instagram did this on purpose and put the number of likes directly under that f🌙cking heart sh🌙t, I ended up liking one of his pictures. And NO!!! It wasn’t a recent picture, then I wouldn’t have felt like such a creep. Mind you his most recent pic is from like April (so either way it would’ve been creepy). I liked a picture that was from f🌙cking 2013 or some sh🌙t!!! I KNOW!!!! GASP!!!! THE HORROR!!!! 

So after this happened I went to the dating app and proceeded to delete our messages because I already knew the outcome of this! I looked like a stalker liking a picture from the f🌙cking ice ages. Beat’em to the punch and all that good shit. BUT!!! Luckily enough he either didn’t see what I did(obvi he saw it I just wanted to make myself feel better) or he found it flattering in a not stalker way (spoiler alert: extremely stalker way I should probably stop talking to him… what does this say about him… why is he still talking to me) that I would go through is pics and like one of them. Whatever the case is he and I are still messaging each other so I guess he might be the one because he can deal with my crazy or he just might be equally as crazy but much stealthier than I am hence why he didn’t like any of my pictures even though he probably goes through my page everyday thinking “gosh I’m so lucky to have met this amazingly awesome unicorn like being”.

Well that’s all I have for today… I know what your thinking this one was long as f🌙ck! 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I’m sorry I made you read so much I’ll never let this happen again!)

The World of Online Dating… round 3!

Tonight is the night is the night is the night!!!(I had a song in my head that sounded disco-y and it said tonight is the night repeatedly… but then I couldn’t remember what came after that so I just tried to google it and I can’t find it… I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this song up, but if I did…I would’ve went triple platinum. THAT is how good it sounded. Anywho back to the reason for the song) GAME OF THRONES IS BACK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I’m so excited!!! Well now that I got that out of my system on to why we are here.

Online dating is a messy, messy, dirty, nasty, horn dog, sluttie cesspool of the not likely going to find “true love” but other not so good things World. So I’ve decided to give those who are brave enough to test those mucky waters some pointers, and of course it shall be in LIST FORM!! (When I said lost form in my head I imagine the words list and form in a muscular bubble version of themselves wearing a cap like a super hero and echoing form, form, form until it faded out… ooo how I crack myself up)

The World of Online Dating… round 3 !

1. Download all those free apps and have yourself a good ole time because FREE is your best friend! 

2. When writing your about me section. Don’t write anything about yourself. What’s the point of getting to know someone of they can read everything about you already. I suggest writing something funny or your favorite quote from a movie. That way when you do get a message from someone you actually have something to talk about. (on one of my many profiles I wrote something along the lines of finding sloths extremely relatable… is it the best quality to put out there NO, but at least they know what they’re getting themselves into). 

3. If you’re going to be the first to initiate contact with… the OTHERS (dun dun duuuuuuun)… start off with something funny. Making people laugh is always a good way to soften them up and TAKE EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER LOVED FROM THEM!! Just kidding don’t take anything from anyone without asking permission… HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!. All joking aside it’s a great ice breaker, and by some crazy chance that person doesn’t respond to you or doesn’t understand your level of funny… tell them GO F🌙CK YOURSELF NOW YOU’LL NEVER KNOW ALL OF DISSSSSS (pointing at yourself.. it doesn’t matter if they can’t see). Or you can just quietly delete them from your life because they weren’t good enough for you anyway.
4. This one is for the guys… don’t be a d🍆ck. When I say d🍆ck I mean don’t send a d🍆ck pick NOBODY wants to see that, and I also mean don’t be a jerk or crude. It’s like that old saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Also ladies don’t be an 🍑hole either… unless the other person starts it then be my guest.
5. Be straightforward tell the person(s) that you’re talking to what you’re looking for. If it’s only for the chitty chitty bang bang, that’s fine just make sure you clearly state that. That also goes for those out there that are looking to get married tomorrow.
6. Finally just have fun…go with the flow you might not meet the love of your life but you’ll learn how to think on your feet and have good come backs for all those pervs out there that are like “so wanna suck my dick”… you can be like ” ooo don’t you need to have one for that to happen” you know something along those lines.
Well there you have it, go do you playa pimp!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (this post should’ve probably been the first one of this series… oooo well to late for that!)

The World of Online Dating… Round 2!

Aaaaaaand welcome back to round two of the disaster that is my life… I mean my “love” life (every time quotation marks are used please know that you must read it the way Dr. Evil would… and if you don’t know whom Sir Dr. Evil is… please don’t take offense to this but… LEAVE, GET OUT RIGHT NOW IT’S THE END OF YOU AND ME!! (Thank you JoJo for that beautiful song). Well I guess you can’t really call it a “love” life if I’m only talking to guys online. So I shall call this my attempt at a possible real world dating life. Yea that sounds much more realistic. This past week I’ve been talking… well more like typing… to three guys (scandalous… I know). 

1. Guy number one… let’s call him Peanut Butter and Jelly. Things started out pretty normal… and that’s odd for me, buuuuuut I went with. Through this normal conversation I found out that PB&J has a cat. I know a CAT!! For those that don’t know, I am NOT a “cat person”. I love all animals but cats just… I don’t like them! They’re assholes and I feel like they always have an attitude and are on the verge of scratching your face off. Sooooo needless to say my future baby daddy… I mean significant other… can NOT have a cat it’s a no go for me. You might be thinking this is where it ends for PB&J, so sorry you shall be wrong. PB&J’s saving grace was that he also has a ferret!!! A freaking ferret! So I was very excited about the turn of events because I’ve always wanted to meet a ferret! After I let PB&J know that his ferret helped him dodge a bullet shot by his cat our conversation headed into much more “Emily-esque” territory. It was great we started talking about quotes that we would want to put on our grave stones… super funny stuff.

2. Hombre numero dos… lets call him Jekyll and Hyde. This conversation was… I want to say was biographical. He just wanted to know my whole life story. Which I feel is super boring. I like to talk about random things that make me think of funny comebacks, but every time I tried something funny he would totally shut it down and ask me some boring question like… “what are your long term goals?”. Honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow… I have no clue what my long term goal is… idk maybe not be broke would be great! All of a sudden he asked me if I had any more pictures. Ooooo you don’t even understand how excited I got. I was like yea I have a lot of pictures… and then J&H was like send me some. So I proceeded to do just that. Below are the pictures I sent Mr. Jekyll and Hyde.

They are amazing I know!!! I had so much fun, buuuuut he was not as amused as I. After that third picture he was like “what’s with all the body parts?”… and I was like “you don’t like them”. I think he was trying to make sure I wasn’t catfishing him or something. But what Mr. Jekyll and Hyde doesn’t understand is that I am waaaaaaay to lazy and also not an asshole to Catfish anyone. Yes, I might be mean on occasion but not that mean. If you’re wondering I still haven’t heard from J&H since that last message.

Finally, Homme nombre trois ( this is suppose to be French… but I’m not exactly sure if it’s correct I google translated it) lets call him Juniper Berry ( I just googled this it’s a real thing). So with JuJu Bee it felt like one of those ice-breaker conversation you would have on the first day of class where you say your name, where you’re from and your major. Yea so basically it was super entertaining (I literally side eyed while typing that) and the conversation hasn’t gone anywhere from there. 
Well there you have it folks… that’s the end of round two.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I think I’m going to be a “dog-lady” when I grow up.)

The World of Online Dating!

Just so everyone knows I have horrible memory. With that being said I’m not exactly sure if I wrote about online dating…and I’m way to lazy to go through my precious posts Sooo yeah. I’m going to write about a couple experiences that I had these past two weeks with this thing people call online dating.Once upon a Monday or Tuesday ( I’m not really sure what day) a lovely lady received a message from two possible suitors and the following is what transpired in these interactions. ( I know you like it when I speak all sophisticated and what not)

So this guy messages me letting me know that I have beautiful lips and if I was good with my lips… First of all guys don’t, just don’t do that, you sound like a pervy creep so just don’t. Any who I know I should’ve ignored him but honestly I love fucking with people so I replied with… “Well I’ve had them for about 26 years or so I would assume I’m pretty knowledgeable on how they work.” Of corse because I don’t know when to stop I continued. “I’m pretty good at like talking with them and like shoving food in between them and chewing said food and also I’m pretty fucking amazing at like drinking water and alcoholic beverages with them.” I guess home boy didn’t expect that reply so he said “no that’s not what I meant… Are you good with Sally ( I actually don’t remember the name he used, but he used some name that Was meant to reference giving some headsies). So I replied with ” actually no I’ve never met Sally, but I heard she’s a real bitch.” And well that’s the last k heard from him. Moral of the story here is I should really learn this new lingo the kids are using these days cause I really couldn’t gotten my self into some shit if I wasn’t a smarty pants nah mean.
Now onto our next story. I got into an argument with a stranger the other day about proper getting to know a person etiquette. According to this guy I over stepped when I asked him what he does for work? He tells me he doesn’t have a job. In my head I was like ummmm WHAT?!? You’re a 28 years old man and you don’t have a job! And then I was like Emily calm your tits maybe he’s just I between jobs you know because I know it’s hard out in these streets to get job right now…in real life I said ok… So what are your hobbies?… I’m here just trying to get to know home boy and he comes at me with paragraphs…. PARAGRAPHS… Of why that was Inappropriate for me to be asking such questions to a person you don’t know and blah blah blah… So I respond (probably not the best way but I can’t help myself I’m an asshole and he pissed me off while I was having my delicious General Tso’s Chicken) well isn’t someone getting a little defensive. How else would you like me to get to know you by asking you how you think the weather is today? He comes back with well maybe with other dudes you can ask questions like that but not with me I prefer to be asked those question in person or on the phone… So I said well I guess we’re never going to know anything about each other because you won’t tell me what you like to do… I’d like to get a heads up if shanking people is your thing. Moral of this story is If you didn’t know don’t ask people about possible employment or activities they enjoy doing it can set off a shitload of banana hammocks that you didn’t ask for. 
Oh!!! I’m currently having a conversation with douche number 3. His opening line was I heard that you’re famous. In my head I was like fuck yaaassss I’m famous… For being awesome! In real life though I said actually that’s the first time I’ve heard this. And he was like yea you’re famous for sloppy blowies. (Honestly man what the ever loving duck is wrong with guys). Any who I said “oooo sorry no, you must have me confused with yourself.” And I have no moral for this story right now because it’s still writing itself.

Well that’s all I got for tonight.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( guess who has their own domain now!!! ME!!!! Life As A Moon is officially LifeAsAMoon.com holy shit balls!! 💃🏽… if you can’t see this emoji it’s the dancing lady in the red dress!)

I’m Baaaaack!

Guess who’s back, back again, Emily’s back tell your friends, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guys who’s back, guess who’s back, duh na na… Sorry I got a little excited! If you haven’t figured it out by that beautiful rendition of Slim Shadys song, I have returned from my small hiatus! If your wondering why I was gone you shall continue to wonder cause I’m not telling. I joke I joke…I had a very exciting, slightly exciting, okay a somewhat exciting two weeks. Basically I just got really lazy and kept saying I’ll just write on Monday and then Monday turned into two Sunday’s later, what evs don’t judge. This is a judge free zone.

So basically what I’ve been doing these past two weeks was learn how to knit, make funny videos on my snap chat, and just basically be lazy. Yes I know I lead a super exciting life, thank you. Knitting turned out to be a lot of fun. I actually just got out of my second knitting class. We’re learning how to knit a hat… Yay. Soon I’m gonna be so amazeballz at knitting and crocheting I will never have to buy another scarf, pair of gloves, hat and even maybe a blanket ever again. Well that’s where I hope I get to at some point in my life.image

I also signed up for a new dating site named Bumble. This sight is suppose to minimize on the creepers that start a conversation with… Hey wanna see my dick, or send me picture of yourself (first off my pictures on my profile douchebag, and hell no I’m not gonna send you a picture of my boobs). Anyway this app cuts that shit out. How?, you ask. Well the twist is the girl has to be the one to initiate the conversation, but we only have 24hrs to do so or the guys profile gets erased for you to ever match with them again. So there’s a little excitement. Girls can only start the convo if she matches with the guy she swipes right with. Meaning homeboy swiped right too. Get’em GIRL!!!

I decided to try this app out because I’m super lonely, and I need me some loving. Also because I was tired of the guy I was sort of talking to constantly sending me dick pics. Like dude you’ve sent me a picture of your dick in every possible angle and even one with a Christmas hat on. No I don’t want anymore I think I’m good thanks. When did it even become appropriate to send dick pics as a conversation started. Well anyway let’s see how this dating app works out, if not I can always just become a spinster and knit things for my friends kids.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just if you were wondering dick pics are not appropriate, unless if asked for one. Then homeboy dick pic it away!)