Tag: money

Am I A Gold-Digger?

Nothing too B.A.N.A.N.A.S. sandwich happened this weekend. I went to IKEA and realized that I only like shopping in IKEA…I tried writing IKEA with you know, the (I) being capitalized and the rest of the letters lower case, but It’s not as aesthetically pleasing to the eye… Ikea…see what I mean, I don’t like it. As I was saying I only like shopping at IKEA online. I cannot deal with the walking around in circles and having to walk throughout the whole store to get to what I’m looking for. If you haven’t been to IKEA, let me break it down for you. The store is laid out like a gallery; everything is set up by the section of the house they should be in, like everything that goes in a bedroom is in the bedroom section, the bathrooms, the kitchens, the kids rooms…and blah blah blah. So on Saturday Boobielicious and I went to look around and I was kind of sort of looking for a bookshelf but not really, any way it took us like twenty minutes to get to that section, and by the time I got there I wanted nothing to do with bookshelves. Of course I still looked at them though, since it practically took us three hours to find them! After we passed the bookshelves it took us another hour to get out of the store because we had to follow the freaking arrows to get out. Moral of the story I shant return to IKEA!

If you remember on Vino Viernes I gave everyone the 411 on how to gauge a woman’s mood by the amount of Oreos she’s consumed. Well I think I might have another doozer for you.

Again based on obvious scientific facts, I’m going to let you know, how you know the man/woman your about to go on a first date with is a keeper. Now you must remember, this only works as a first date thing. If you’re on like date five, I’m sorry to tell you but your shit outta luck, I got nothing for you… maybe next time. So it’s pretty simple… if your date takes you to lets say Applebees for your FIRST DATE you might have to tell homeboy/homegirl to get to steppin. He/she’s only taking you there so he/she can do some two for $20 action, HOW RUDE (thank you Stephanie Tanner for your wise words)!! This is the one time you’re supposed to impress this person…it’s like they always say (I’m not sure who they are but they say this) first impressions can make or break you, I feel like somewhere in the world this has been said. And no I’m not a gold-digger…anymore…hehehehe I joke I joke (now I ain’t saying she a gold-digger, but she aint messin with no broke n****… thank you Kanye I couldn’t have said it better my self) any other time Applebees is the spot…especially after 10pm for those half price apps (appetizers). I just feel it’s not a first date kind of place. Now if your date takes you to Red Lobster, Joe’s Crab Shack, or Olive Garden that mofo is in it for the long haul…if he/she likes it or not, they’re stuck with you for life…bwuhahahaha!!! You know your date is going to be dropping a decent amount on this date…okay so I might, slightly be a gold digger…live with it, I am. You might ask “Emily the Great how do you come up with this geniusness?” Well my child this is how it went down. I was walking by a Red Lobster and turned to Boobielicous and was like “Yo if a dude brought me to Red Lobster, or Joe’s Crab Shack on a first date, that mofo is a keeper…you know he’s gonna be dropping dough cuz these mother-Fers (obviously I cursed forreals then) are expensive”. Voila, the science behind my theory! So sad, It’s that time again…don’t miss me too much!

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (re-formed Gold Digger…kinda)

I won the Lotto… Or I thought I did!

Soooo today I’ve decided to tell you the time I thought I won the lotto! A couple of weeks ago I had this crazy dream that I won the Cash 4 Life (when you win $1,000 a day for the rest of your life…pretty freaking sweet!!). I know I was freaking jumping off, I mean literally jumping off the walls. I was practically levitating, that probably should have clued me in that I was dreaming, but my dream felt so realistic. You know what else should have helped me realize that I was dreaming; was the fact that after I looked at the numbers on my lotto ticket and realized I won, my bank account balance became rather large extremely quick (which of course I wasn’t complaining). I’m pretty sure though that that’s not how it works. Like I don’t think the NJ Lotto Department (whatever the heck they’re called) has your bank info and just direct deposits the money to your account…or does it, because I’ve never won so I probably shouldn’t be talking all this caca.

In my dream I was feeling extremely generous. I paid off all my parents bills, they’re house, they’re cars, I paid off all of they’re debt and I sent them on some extravagant vacation. Another reason I should have known this was a dream…not that I wouldn’t do all that for them because I would in a heart beat if I had the money, but I know that Daddy Moon wouldn’t be caught dead on an air plane. If he can’t drive there he ain’t going (his words not mine). As I was saying I was feeling so generous that after I paid off all of my bills and all that school loan debt…(Dear Sallie Mae, I hate your sinking guts, you make me vomit, you’re the scuuuum between my toes. Love (Hate you) Emily… I freaking love The Little Rascals). What the heck was I saying again…ooo right so after I paid off all my stuff I decided I would pay off my brothers’ debt and pay for my cousins tuition. I know what your thinking… Gosh Darn it even in this wonderful womans dream state she is still the kindest, most generous, most AWESOME soul you’ll ever meet in your freaking life. I wish I could meet her, she sounds amazeballz. The next morning when I woke up, Ladies tell’em I woke up like this…I woke up like this…FLAWLESS (thank you Queen B…Beyonce for those of you that don’t know…and you should be ashamed if you didn’t know who I was talking about… shame shame shame), sorry you should know by now I can’t help breaking out into song and movie quotes
(it’s the tiny Performer I keep in my pocket that just needs to be let free). So when I woke up I was so freaking excited I went straight from my phone, you’d think I’d check my bank account…NOPE, I checked Instagram first… I’m telling you Instagram is a drug, and I’m a freaking addict!

Any who after I checked Instagram, and realized at 6:30 in the morning people are usually still sleeping and no ones really Instagraming (should there be two M’s..Instagramming?), I checked my bank account super excited to find all this dough…TO HAVE MY DREAM SHATTERED… I was just as broke as I was when I first went to sleep. What a freaking horrible way to start off your day, am I right? And on top of everything else it was Monday and that on itself is a suckfest. After I convinced myself not to throw my phone across the room (because obviously it wasn’t the phones fault that my bank account didn’t know that the dream should have been real…I’m totes not over it if you couldn’t tell), so I talked my self off the ledge, and started wondering what I would really do if I won the Lotto. I hope that I can be just as good a person as my dream self was. I know I would definitely do anything and everything I can for my parents, but I hope I can somehow help other people in need, that would be an amazing feeling. Well thanks for getting through this re-telling of my dream… your lucky, my dream used to be much more detailed when I was younger. I would’ve had you here for days.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Still broke as hell…but loving my life)

PS. What would you do if you won the Lotto? (ponder that, shall we)

Four-Twenty (4/20)!!!

Happy Four-Twenty for all my pot heads/stoners out there!!! Today is your day to be free and smoke that: Ganja, that Mary Jane, that Weed, that good shit, that dope, that… okay I ran out of other ways to say marijuana…sorry I’m not really savvy in that department. For those of you that don’t know what 4/20 means (besides it being the 20th day in April, and obviously the day before my glorious birth) you shall find out right now!!! As my trusty Urban Dictionary has told me it’s a “smoking holiday”.

I learned about 4/20 in high school and I never really cared to look into why people get souped (I threw it back old school with that one kid, I’m just not sure if I spelled it right…sooped? Souped? Idk…whatever). Any way I never understood why people were so excited to smoke on this particular day when they smoked every other day…it made no sense to me. But today I’m going to look up (using Google of course, because Google is life and anybody who disagrees can shove it up their bum holes) the origin and meaning of 4/20.

I have returned after 20 mins of looking up the meaning of 4/20, and I’m just as confused as I was when I first started. Wikipedia just blabbed on about blah blah blah consumption of cannabis…blah blah blah cannabis subculture… blah blah blah cannabis itself. See what I mean, Lost as F…bleep. So I shall tell you what I think it means… it means; just go smoke some ganj with some of your home skillets (no I don’t mean frying pans…that’s just another way I say homies or “friends”) talk crap about what life means…you know get all philosophical and shit, and just munch out later.

In the spirit of Four-Twenty, I’ve decided with the help of two of my slutties (Big Booty Judy and Sluttie McSlutterson) and a slutto… a male sluttie, I couldn’t think of anything better at the moment I’ll make something real good up next time…(the gigolo…I don’t think I like this one I think I like slutto better…okay any way Sluttos name is Frienemy). Today we were talking about past (pass the dutch baby… shake shake shake your stuff ladies… that was courtesy of Missy Elliot) sorry I got distracted, past experiences we’ve had with Jane…Mary Jane…and I’ve decided to share two of my experiences with you lunatics. The first time I had some of that good shit I was like… okay I’m not going to incriminate my self and say how old I was because you know mum reads this…any way I was at a friends house and while I was at this persons house I started getting paranoid and wondering “holy shit what if my mum sees my eyes and just knows what I’ve been doing or “ and then I lost my train of thought because ganja did that to me on the reg (regular…I like to shorten words because I like how they sound). The next thing I remember from that day was having the WORST cottonmouth ever, wanting to eat everything in sight, and of course having the BEST sleep of my life!

This next time was the most recent and last time I ever smoked Mrs. Jane (I feel like if marijuana was a real lady she would be a married, respectable lady just trying to make some dough for her four kids and her Marine Vet Husband…idk, that’s just me). It was about five or six years ago and a couple of my friends from school (one of the many I’ve attended…I could seriously be a spokes person for indecisive people) as I was saying, a couple of my friends and I hot boxed in a car (for those who don’t know what hot boxed means: when you smoke in a small room, closet, bathroom, or in my case a car… where there are no open windows or doors, basically no where the smoke can escape to…it is only allowed to go in your mouth and nostrillies…nostrils I like to make up words from already made words). We smoked so many different kinds of weed, I didn’t know that was freaking possible, but we did; and I became a little on the sickly side. Once we got out of the car Slutty McSlutterson and I started walking to our dorm and I told her “yo I don’t feel good I think I have to throw up”, where she turned around and said some variation of… not out here stupid. But I either didn’t want to listen or I just couldn’t hold it in. I personally think I couldn’t hold it in, but who knows I was kind of an asshole
(still am at times)…so I looked around to make sure there was no CP (Campus Police) and threw up on the side of my dorm. After I threw up though I was totes (totally…I’ve already explained to you why I do this) ready for some munchies! Okie Dokie, I’ve said waaaaay too much and now it’s time for me to go…Peace Out Dudes!

The_73a028_1595659 Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (I swears I don’t do that stuff anymore…but I’m not opposed to eating some special brownies *wink*)

 

Vino Viernes!!!

Did ya miss me?.. Did ya miss me?…huh huh. I bet you thought I forgot about Vino Viernes in my old, senile, deteriorating age (25 in 4 fucking days), by the way I will never forget if it has to do with Wine. I’m sorry I cursed I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. The closer and closer I get to that day that shan’t be said out loud (What your TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY…stop being a little bitch Em. Just accept it sucka, you old. Shut your face Delilah, You. Are. Such. A. DICK!) I feel like I should just say sorry now because I’m sure there are times where apologizes will be needed; when I drink, Delilah likes to make appearances. So about my old age, last weeks Vino Viernes was a trial run and I’ve come to the realization that I can’t hang anymore. Sooooo I will be writing after work on Fridays; I’m telling you last week was a bitch! I looked and felt like a Zombie (well I’m guessing how I felt is how Zombies feel all the time… just saying).

The closer we get to April 21st the more depressed and melodramatic I become. A couple of days ago my mum asked what we should do for the birthday of her favorite child (okay she didn’t say the whole favorite child thing, but I know she wanted to…sorry Snot Rocket). So I told her that we’d skip the festivities this year and that we’ll just celebrate next year, after I’ve gotten used to being, you know that age after 24 (TWENTY-FIVE… just say it man… Dang it Delilah!!!) okay before that slore interrupts again…I remembered that next year I’ll be 26 and declared we shall no longer celebrate Birthdays anymore (blah, blah, blah….stop whining so much). Since Delilah doesn’t want to shut the hell up I’m just going to let her write tonight, go-ahead whore.

Finally she let me out….I’M FREE!!! Hey. Hey. Heeey it’s Delilah bitches! Okay so three of our other slutties…see how I say OUR at least I include Emily, that slut bag only yells at me, and she says SHE’S the nice one; I beg to differ. As I was saying three of our other slutties Cosmopolitan, Tequila Sunrise and Long Island Ice Tea (okay so you might think I’m an alcoholic, but I’m just keeping it in the spirit of Vino Viernes, well and I do love me so liquor); on normal days their names are MelloYellow, Crazy Bat(Man) Lady and Super Sugar-Titz. They mentioned Sugar Daddies, Sugar Mamas, Cougars and Jaguars, older men that go for younger women. Emily and I were like YAAASS BITCH YAAAASSS, were writing about that (well more me than Emily…she doesn’t like to offend people…or so she says, you should hear all the shit that comes out of her mouth).

I wants me a Sugar Daddy and no I don’t mean that Caramel Creation on a stick, but I wouldn’t mind some caramel on my men *wink*(holy bananas Delilah…this shit is bananas B.A.N.A.N.A.S… mum might read this you doof. Stop being a baby Em). Any way I’m totally talking about a man that has mula, money, dinero, ching ching and can buy me things…you know what I’m sayin. Long Island Ice Tea said she wouldn’t mind being a cougar, but wouldn’t want to be a sugar baby or a sugar mama, because she aint trying to give money to no one. For me, I wants me a sugar daddy, but I aint doing shit for that so I would probably be a sugar baby FAILURE…bwuhahahaha. Tequila Sunrise on the other hand wants to know what these males and females do to keep they’re sugars happy. She thinks there’s a lot of disgusting oral going on and uncomfortable sodomy; which of course had me ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing…for those un-savvy with the text lingo).

So basically my friends wanted to know how these type of relationships work? When does being a sugar baby turn into prostitution, and what are people willing to do to be a sugar baby and for how much? Let us know what your thinking people! Delilah Out!

 

Love ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (Sorry about that crazy whore, I can’t help it)

P.S. We are drinking Barefoot’s Sweet Red again because my brother bought me a big ass bottle and we had some left over. I promise next week we’ll try a different Wine.