Birthday Shenanigans!

Soooooo my inner sloth took over yesterday and decided not to do anything productive, basically I was super lazy and laid in bed all day and caught up on some show… it was magical! Anywho because I was away in New Orleans a couple weeks ago everything is out of order in my life. Last week I had to tell you all about my adventures in such a beautiful city, but I also wanted to write about my birthday shenanigans and there was a huge battle in my head for who shall win aaaaaaand if you read last week New Orleans won. BUT TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! For those that don’t know I celebrated my 6th anniversary of turning 21 years of age a little over a week ago. ‘Twas a weekend spent in the city ( for those who don’t know what city I’m referring to… I be talking about The Big Apple, NYC… In New Yoooooork concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Wow thank you Alicia Keys that was beautiful)

My Birthday weekend extravaganza started out very tamed. On Friday the day of my birth I was with my family. We put some yum yums in my tum tums, then came back home stayed up talking shit and reminiscing. We laughed we cried we laughed some more it was a great night.

Saturday day night is were sh🌙t got cray cray. Me, my brother and a couple of my friends went to the Strip Club!! It was a night to remember. I got some titties in my face. Let me tell you these ladies have the smoothest skin I’ve ever felt in my life! Also I learned that I’m horrible at the whole strip club thing. I did nothing like what I’ve seen on TV. I was gently placing dollars on the floor and when one of the ladies came closer a told me to slap her ass, I gently tapped it… even she was like “girl!! Slap my ass!!” And proceeded to grab my wrist and made me slap her bum. I was even worried that I would give the girls a paper cut…It was hilarious. One of the ladies gave me the biggest compliment of my entire life… the following is how the conversation went (well from what I can remember): 

Exotic Dancer: hi the most awesome person I’ve ever seen in my life I heard it was your birthday…come here (pulls my head to her breasts and shimmies)

Me: (blushing profusely thoughout the night) *giggling* yea it is…thanks. (Gently placed dollar in her g-string) 

Lady that Dances on poles: do you have some Asian in your family. ( crawls on floor)

Me: *gasp* yes I do… can you really tell?

Woman whom shakes her Tatas: yes you look a little Hawaiian! (Pulls g-string open for some mula)

Me: (gently places money in said pulled g-string) Oh my gosh stop it… you’re making me blush!

Lovely lady in nothing but a g-string: really… you look like Moana!!!

Me: OMG I LOVE YOU!!! I’ve always wanted to be a part of Disney!!! (Turns to Frenemy) she said I look like Moana!!! MOANA!! I love her!! How did she know just what to say to me!! (Gave the rest of the money in my hand to the nice lady)

And that was the highlight of the night for me.

 Also, my brother did a T-Pain and went and fell in love with a stripper… so now I might have a future Stripper In-Law. 

Well that’s all for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( or should I say Moana)

Damn You Daylight Savings!

This freaking losing an hour shit is not my thing. Every year this happens every year I hate it!! I freaking woke up at 5 in the freaking morning… Okay so technically it was 6 but my brain still thinks it’s 5. Any way I have some amazing news! Are you ready for this… I am now an accomplished knitter people! I finally finished my first project and it is FABULOUS!!

I wanted to write about a little dilemma I’m going through. It’s not that serious, but it has me a little Confucius ( I know Confucius is a Chinese teacher/philosopher but I like to use his name don’t judge me!). As o was saying I was going to write about this yesterday, but because I was rather lost in life I didn’t do anything yesterday, but bask in the Awesomness that I am…because you know I finished my hat. So next week I shall regale you with my fubnucker of a confused noggin ( I’m not really sure if anyone would understand what I just wrote, but I do…so yeah). Well that’s all for now.image

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I hope you enjoyed my fabulous knitting prowess)

“Love Yourself” My New Favorite Saying.

I know I’ve been MIA(no I don’t mean Miami, I mean Missing In Action) but December just isn’t a good month for me. Before I get started with today’s shenanigans I want to let you know that I’ve decided I will only be posting once a week and it will be going up on Sunday Funday. So after this Wednesdays post we will start again on Sunday. I know your super sad about Vino Viernes, but never fear I will still be drinking new wines and letting you know how I feel about them. I figured since Vino Viernes rarely has anything to do with wine, and I honestly don’t even tell you good things about them I might as well just add a snippet on Sundays about my feelings towards whatever wine I’m drinking.

You might or might not be wondering why I’ve decided to post only once, even if you don’t care I’m still gonna tell you. I think I under estimated this whole posting three times a week thing, I’m pulling at straws here thinking of what to write about, so before I completely burn myself out I’m cutting it down. That way I can tell you a weeks worth of shit in one day…FABULOUS!!

On to today’s one topic. If you’ve been living in the outside world you must’ve heard by now that Justin Bieber has come out with some bangers!!! Well if you’ve been living under a rock and this is the first thing you’ve seen in years since Justin Bieber first came on to the scene… I KNOW I wouldn’t believe it myself but home boy has some pretty amazeballz music out right now. Aaaaaaaand me thinks I found my new favorite JB song. It’s calls Love Yourself, and the reason I love this song so much is because Justin in the most beautiful, sweet way is basically telling this person he wrote this song about is to go Fuck Yourself. I know when I first saw the title I thought it was gonna be some go empower yourself song. BUT nope if you listen to the words you know exactly what he means when he says go and “Love” yourself. Here’s a verse so you understand what I mean:
“All the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart
Ohhh girl for goodness sake
You think I’m crying
Oh my ohhh, well I ain’t!… (<- the proper use of an ellipsis, because you know I never use that shit right… I just really like these dots) Cause if you like the way you look that much
Ohhhh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I’m still holdin’ on to somethin’
You should go and love yourself
DAMN Biebs!!! Get it!! And I leave you to ponder that.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( last Monday post… Saddest)

We’re The 3 Best Friends That Anyone Could Have!

How do I become Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence’s best friend! We can make a best friend triangle of the funniest most awesome most beautiful looking uh oh Oreo but instead of it being stuffed with you know chocolate it’s stuffed with either maybe peanut butter or caramel. Any way what I’m trying to say is that we would be the best damn trio sampler ever!!! Where did this spiel come from… Well last night I was up super duper late (like 10:30ish… I’m an old lady don’t judge me) watching Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence interviews and fell even more in love with them. They are HIGHlarious!

I’m having a super brain fart right now. I think just the thought of becoming Jeamily (Jennifer, Amy, Emily tripod) has short circuited my brain. All I can think of is the crazy hilarious adventures we would have and how everybody would envy the relationship we have as a unit. Im telling you it’s gonna be freaking epic.

OMYEEZUS!!! If you ever get the chance to see Aladdin on Broadway you absolutely must see it! It’s fanfuckingtastic!! The actors and actress are incredible. Aladdin and Genies voices are phenomenal. The scenes… Especially the magic carpet holy shiitake mushrooms it was fantabulous. I’m just trying to show you how many different ways I can say awesome… I know pretty impressive… Am I right. In all honesty it was the best show I’ve seen, and I’ve seen at least 3 so you know I know what I’m talking about… Hehehe.

Well peeps… Bye!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( you know you like how I came up with that freaking name… Jeamily)

Now Accepting Boyfriend Applications!

I swears I don’t recognize myself any more… It’s like my personality has been altered. I know I’ve said this a couple times before, but I’ve been extra emotional lately. It’s gotten to the point where I’m freaking crying from a freaking gum commercial. I can’t lie though that Xtra (Extra… Idk how to spell it) gum commercial where these two people meet in high school and have a relationship and all that good stuff, but throughout the whole relationship the guy draws out all the most memorable parts on the wrapper of the gum that the girl gives him, and
At the end of the commercial the guy (I’m assuming) rents out a store front and sets it up like a gallery with all the pictures he’s drawn of their relationship and while the girl is going down memory lane she gets to one of the guy down in one knee and she’s like HOLY SHIT ( you know her facial expression says this) and she turns around and the guy is down on one knee proposing… It’s so freaking adorable, and it makes me all happy inside I literally smile throughout the whole commercial and of course the tears start to come down. Then I’m there in my room talking to myself like wow this guy is a freaking keeper, and damn that’s so beautiful. Also there’s the asshole in me that’s like dude you could’ve at least taking up some drawing classes. Well you get what I’m trying to say, I be crying a lot lately.

That’s not the only thing that’s been changing about me. I’ve noticed that I’m a lot more irritable. Everything freaking annoys the shit out of me. I have to remind myself to calm the hell down. I never used to be this way. It used to take a lot for me to want to punch somebody in the throat, but now just breathing near me might be the end of your life. I think this change in moods is what has me so antisocial more than ever. I’ve always been slightly antisocial… Don’t judge me I like to be home; I figure the more I’m home the less money I spend. But for the past couple of weeks I honestly haven’t wanted to be near anyone… Well besides my momma and my dad those two crack me up. I miss my old self where even when I didn’t want to go out I would at least slightly try to talk my self into going out… Now I’m just like you right we can just stay home and watch the Hallmark Channel all day; who needs friends or even finding a boyfriend when you can watch people fall in love, while your at home alone being all lonely and ridiculously single.

If you haven’t noticed I’m super single… So yea I’m taking applications for potential boyfriends. There are only three… No five requirements.
1. Must be at least 25 years of age or older to apply.
2. Must have a job ( legal…illegal whatever floats your boat)
3. Must laugh at everything funny I say… Or else!
4. Must be sarcastic; I can’t have people going home crying because you think I was an asshole.
5. The most important one… Must support my drinking habits.

Well…
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Happy Early Birthday to Momma Moon… Love you Mommy!!)

Hallmark Movie Star!

So I found out a few things about myself these past couple of days (basically yesterday and today, not really that many days it’s really only one day). The most important thing I figured out is that I want to be an actor. Buuuuut it might not be for the same reasons others want to be actors. Some people do it because it’s apart of who they are they love to entertain people and all that good stuff. Don’t get me wrong I love to entertain people I feel like that’s why God was like home girl it’s your turn go the to the next available stork and have them take you to your new life of being crazy awesome and spreading your awesomeness to the world. Yes that’s how babies are made, I refuse to listen to my mother tell me otherwise it’s disturbing and eeeeeewwwww. As I was saying I don’t want to be an actor to be apart of an amazing film and win myself an Oscar, although that would be awesome balls (I literally have to do the cheer AWESOME to help me remember how to spell it… I’ll give you a little snippet if you don’t know how it goes… A W E S O M E, awesome awesome awesome are we! Yeah! let’s got Tigers! Sorry I got a little carried away). The reason I want to be an actor is so that I can be a Hallmark Movie Star! I freaking love all Hallmark Movies especially the holiday ones, those are the best. How did I get to this amazing career choice you ask… Well I was watching a new Hallmark Movie last night and thought I wanna be in a Hallmark Movie and fall in love the way these people fall in love and have it last forever and ever or until the credits roll.

Then later on I figure out that I hate driving, well I’ve known I’ve disliked driving in certain occasions, but the worst part is that if I’m not driving I get car sick! It’s the freaking worst! You’d think I’d be super happy that I don’t have to drive, but then this nauseous feeling comes over me when the car starts moving so then I still have to drive or I’ll throw up all over the place. I remember this one time I had to have my dad pull over because I couldn’t handle it anymore! My mom thinks it’s because when I’m in a car either in the passenger or back seat, my brain automatically clicks into driver mode and my brain doesn’t understand that I’m not the one driving and it’s telling me to stomp on the brake because the person in front of us brake lights are on and the person that’s driving us around is not slowing down and they’re going to hit the car if we don’t STOMP ON THE BRAKE NOW (while my foot is actually stomping on the floor like I actually had a brake there)! So yea that’s what goes on in my head when other people are driving. Maybe that’s why I feel sick or it could be that my brain is trying to tell me that we have telepathic powers and I was trying to control the driver and that is what makes me sick… Me thinks it’s the second one, but who knows. Well Ta Ta for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( 5 days still CALIFORNIA!!!)

The Lost Monday!

Sooooo I might have remembered a little late that Monday was Monday and not Sunday. Because of Labor Day I was off from work, so in my head the whole weekend just shifted. By the time I remembered Monday was Monday and not Sunday it was like 10:30pm and I had nothing to write about. Although my friend suggested I should write about the first thing that popped into my head, which was penis (totes inapprops). So I just decided to write nothing, because if I did it would just have been the word Penis written over and over again in lower case, in CAPS, in MiXeD… Nah mean. My post would’ve looked like the scene from 500 Days of Summer when Zoey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt are yelling “PENIS!!” in the park. So I vetoed that.

I was originally going to write about the dynamics in a guy/girl friendship, and if it’s really possible for guys and girls to just be friends without one or the other getting all “emotional” and feeling things more than friendship!. Buuuuuuut it’s hot as FUCK in my house right now and the light coming off my phone and the movement of my fingers on the keyboard is making me sweat like a person that sweats a lot, so I’m gonna leave this topic for Friday. This way I’ll be drunkish and it would probably be way more fun!

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,
Emily (let the California countdown begin… In 1 month and 1 day I will be heading to California know how to party, California knows how to party!!)

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)

Laziness Overload!

I’m here in my room looking at the pile of laundry I have to do and hating it! I’m being super freaking lazy, I’ve been putting this off for 3 days. I’m running out of clean clothes; I was just wondering if I have enough dresses to last me the week because I’m being super lazy! Yesterday I had to buy a 5 pack of underwear because I ran out. It’s not like I even do my own laundry, that’s the worst part about this. All I do is:
1. put the cloths into a laundry bag
2. carry it to my car
3. drive it to the laundromat
4. carry it to the counter so it can get weighed
5. leave it there so the people that work there can wash my cloths
6. go pick it up the next day when it’s done. Seriously not that much work, but my laziness is on overload that I don’t want to do any of it ( I really don’t want to do number 6 because that’s when I have to pay… Ugh).

There were times that I used to buy a whole outfit for the next day because I hadn’t washed my cloths. It’s a horrible habit, that’s how my credit cards almost got out of hand ( when I say “almost” I mean they did get out of hand), but now I’m a recovering shopaholic. I haven’t done that in 6 months… I’m proud of myself.

I guess I should go do laundry ( and when I say do I mean go drop off my laundry) before I fall asleep and have to call out of work for the rest of the week because I have no clean cloths… What a tragedy!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I wish I was the genie from I Dream of Genie and do the little arms crossed head nod thing and get my cloths done)

Ps. Ladies if you ever find yourself in this predicament remember to buy a dress instead of pants and a shirt, it’s cheaper and you can buy two dresses for the price of one pants/shirt combo! Gentlemen I’m sorry I can’t help you… Your either gonna have to do the sniff test, or call out sick.