Hallmark Movie Star!

So I found out a few things about myself these past couple of days (basically yesterday and today, not really that many days it’s really only one day). The most important thing I figured out is that I want to be an actor. Buuuuut it might not be for the same reasons others want to be actors. Some people do it because it’s apart of who they are they love to entertain people and all that good stuff. Don’t get me wrong I love to entertain people I feel like that’s why God was like home girl it’s your turn go the to the next available stork and have them take you to your new life of being crazy awesome and spreading your awesomeness to the world. Yes that’s how babies are made, I refuse to listen to my mother tell me otherwise it’s disturbing and eeeeeewwwww. As I was saying I don’t want to be an actor to be apart of an amazing film and win myself an Oscar, although that would be awesome balls (I literally have to do the cheer AWESOME to help me remember how to spell it… I’ll give you a little snippet if you don’t know how it goes… A W E S O M E, awesome awesome awesome are we! Yeah! let’s got Tigers! Sorry I got a little carried away). The reason I want to be an actor is so that I can be a Hallmark Movie Star! I freaking love all Hallmark Movies especially the holiday ones, those are the best. How did I get to this amazing career choice you ask… Well I was watching a new Hallmark Movie last night and thought I wanna be in a Hallmark Movie and fall in love the way these people fall in love and have it last forever and ever or until the credits roll.

Then later on I figure out that I hate driving, well I’ve known I’ve disliked driving in certain occasions, but the worst part is that if I’m not driving I get car sick! It’s the freaking worst! You’d think I’d be super happy that I don’t have to drive, but then this nauseous feeling comes over me when the car starts moving so then I still have to drive or I’ll throw up all over the place. I remember this one time I had to have my dad pull over because I couldn’t handle it anymore! My mom thinks it’s because when I’m in a car either in the passenger or back seat, my brain automatically clicks into driver mode and my brain doesn’t understand that I’m not the one driving and it’s telling me to stomp on the brake because the person in front of us brake lights are on and the person that’s driving us around is not slowing down and they’re going to hit the car if we don’t STOMP ON THE BRAKE NOW (while my foot is actually stomping on the floor like I actually had a brake there)! So yea that’s what goes on in my head when other people are driving. Maybe that’s why I feel sick or it could be that my brain is trying to tell me that we have telepathic powers and I was trying to control the driver and that is what makes me sick… Me thinks it’s the second one, but who knows. Well Ta Ta for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( 5 days still CALIFORNIA!!!)

Vino Viernes!!

So what had happened on Wednesday went down like this. On my way home from work I told my self I was going to eat dinner real quick then take a quick power nap. It was all supposed to be fast. The next thing I know my first of five alarms went off and so yea what I’m saying is that I totally fell sleep on Wednesday hence why I didn’t post anything. I told my self ill just do a quick post on Thursday buuuuuuut I was like nah I’m not going to mess up my rotation. Now on to the main events…Wine, Vino, Du Vin. Todays wine is Barefoots Merlot, I cant remember if I’ve already tried this one but I’m alittle on the broke side and this was the only thing that was in my house soooo Merlot it is…and please its pronounced Mer-Lot, okay thanks. This is another dry wine, and this one has an actual grapey taste, I know wine is basically smooshed grapes’ (this apostrophe was the only way Microsoft Word would let me leave my incorrect sentence structure…so the apostrophe must stay) by people’s nasty ass feet. I might just be talking caca because I put a generous amount of Sprite in my glass before I even took a sip of the wine. I am THE worst wine drinker ever!

I’m going to give you a recap of the past week. I realized on Sunday that it was both a good and bad idea watching San Andreas two weeks (at the time of this thought…it is now one week till California…yay!!) before going to Cali. The bad reason is because I scared the shit out of myself, like why would I do that to myself I’m such an asshole. The good reason is I now have somewhat of an idea on what I should do to survive some shit like that. For example I should get to higher ground, find land lines to call my dad and let him know that I got out of a car in an underground parking garage because of the British boy and his younger brother that I befriended (when I say befriend I mean fall in love… obvi), don’t trust Mr. Fantastic because he’s not going to help you out of said car, stay away from falling glass and light poles, and watch out for big ass holes that might swallow you; the most important one is I really have to get my holding my breath underwater for a really long ass time game up. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson you taught me well, my mom can now rest easy. By the way if you didn’t see the movie you probably shouldn’t read this paragraph there are a lot of spoilers… just saying.

On Tuesday I realized a lot of things the first one is that it only takes me about 8 songs to get to work, but that’s only on those extremely lucky no traffic days. Secondly, McDonalds McfingGriddles are super addicting, only get one if you have enough self control to not buy one every day for a week in a half for breakfast…clearly I failed on this one, so now I have to find a completely different way to work without passing by McDs (which is hard because it’s a block away from my job). Also, I use the little microphone button on my phone to help me spell all the time. Lastly, every time I get a glance at my shadow I’m always like “damn girl your eyelashes are long as hell”, but then I look in the Mirror and I’m like “But where did you go?”

Wednesday morning I was listening to Elvis Duran and the Morning Show and they were talking about when they went crazy town on people for the stupidest/smallest reasons. I automatically thought of the time I flipped out on my brother for taking my phone charger. I rarely get mad and I don’t count road rage as getting mad because honestly when you sit behind the wheel you become a psychopath, but one of the people that can get me so angry at the drop of a hat is my brother. The day I went text crazy on him was already a bad day for me and for me to come home with my phone on 10% battery life and no charger in sight I just lost it. I texted him everything in the book that I know would piss him off. I know it was stupid that it was just a charger, but when your already having a shitty day the smallest thing pushes you over the edge. This is a warning for all you brothers out there with sisters, we remember everything and I mean EVERYTHING, and when you least expect it we will (as Dane Cook likes to say) mind ninja the shit out of you. On that note I say good day.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (don’t mess with your sisters…shit will get deadly!)

Congratulatory Ass Slap!

I want to know who decided the best way to congratulate a teammate is by slapping their ass.

I can imagine that first person who did it was probably just trying to give his/her teammate a pat on the back but when they were about to they tripped over their own foot and while they were falling their hand was still in the ready position to pat said teammate on the back but because of the momentum of their body ended up slapping their teammates ass. Classic.

Now imagine said teammates reaction to having their ass slapped, they were probably scandalized and then figured their teammate that slapped their butt did it because he/she wanted to make him/her feel special and gave them a special pat on the lower region of their back (aka their ass). When in reality the teammate that slapped the other teammates ass was just trying not to do a face plant. It was all just a mistake but the rest of them team already saw it and were like yes this is how we should congratulate each other from now on because it’s super special!

Ooo what I would give to be the only lady on any sports team full of delicious men. Even if they messed up I would still slap their ass so they know I’m trying to make them feel special about themselves. And of course I would want the same respect I have given them, I would even bend over and say “guys didn’t I do a great job today” with a huge smile on my face. Hehehehe when I said that to my mom yesterday she laughed looked and my dad and said “did you hear what your awesomely whorish daughter said” (I might have tweaked what she said just a little).

It’s about that time again… Peace and Chicken Grease!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (since were on the sports subject… I LOVE DEREK JETER!)

Vino Viernes!

Tonight I’m drinking wine out of a box!!! This is some classy ass shit!!! It has one of those little push buttons that those big jugs of water have but with wine!!!! It is also the first time I have ever drank wine out of a box and I’m so excited! So the wine that I am drinking is from Black Box Wines and it is Cabernet Sauvignon. Thank the Lordt I bought that Sprite cuz holy shit this is dry as hell! Even though this wine might have won 40 gold medals I’d rather have my Sweet Red from Barefoot!

I’m Not a religious person at all, but yesterday I was watching people’s reaction on TV to Pope Francis’ arrival and it was very emotional. Just seeing their faith was really beautiful. What had me crying was when Pope Francis was in the cathedral and stopped to give a little girl a hug and then when he stopped and gave another little girl I’m a wheel chair a hug… What!!!! I couldn’t stop those tears.

On a lighter note, Me and my mom just spent about and hour or so in target. Which is pretty good for us because I think I can spend days in there and never be bored, but when ever I do come out I’ll have to owe Target my first born. I went to target to buy some things that I would need for my trip to California!!!! Yaaaaasssss!!! Which is 2 weeks away… I’m so freaking souped… Sooped… How do you spell that again, I haven’t used this word in forever. Any way what I’m trying to say is that I’m extremely excited! As I was saying I went to Target with a goal in mind… Buy a carry-on bag and a bottle of Sprite just in case I wasn’t a fan of the boxed wine. There are still a whole bunch of other shit I need to buy, but I forgot to write a list at least I remembered the luggage.

So we find the carry-on bag and are roaming through the isles until we stubbled upon the Halloween decorations. We found this skull that records whatever you say, so we basically spent the majority of our time recording lines from the movie “This is the End”. It was freaking highlarious I even recorded it and sent it to my brother. My mother and I are not allowed to go to Target anymore, we got lucky this time that we didn’t buy to much shit because we forgot a cart and were to lazy to turn around and go get one.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Target- proper pronunciation “Tarshay”. Don’t forget it!)

Ps. Big Booty Judy you will get your day I promise!

Randomness of the Noggin!

So tonight’s post is a collection of random stuff that has occurred in the past two days. I shall write them in order of when each thought popped into my noggin. Since of course I love making lists and will find any reason to make one I shall give thee one now. I call this list Randomness of the Noggin (before I start the list I want to let everyone know that I have THE worst handwriting ever I don’t understand half the shit I wrote… Why did I write this down 1st, you ask?… IDK)

Here is my list:
1. Yesterday on the way home from work I got stuck behind the train. The first thing that popped into my head was a scene of me running on top of a moving train; like in all action movies ever, and of course that part when Joey Fatone and Chris Kirpatrick ran away from that crazy chick in the Bye Bye Bye video… Classic.

2. Have you ever wanted aliens to take over the world, or even for there to be a zombie apocalypse so you wouldn’t have to pay your bills anymore. Sigh, that would be the life. I think I would be a magnificent alien slave or badass zombie, just saying.

3. When I was younger I had cut my lip open and I had to get stitches…Because you know I was an angel as a child. Yesterday my mom asked me if you could still see the scar from where I got stitches and ever since I’ve been having phantom stitches pain, thanks mom!

4. Outback has the most Delish bread ever!!! I love it!

5. Newest musical obsession is Alessia Cara! I’ve heard her song “Here” on the radio a couple of times but I was never able to get her name or the name of the song… Until yesterday when I heard her on Elvis Duran and the Morning show. I already loved her song, but after hearing her sing “Here” live and acoustic on the radio I completely fell in love! As soon as I got to work I bought her EP, which is called Four Pink Walls-EP! Everyone must get it! She’s amazing!!!!

6. Finally, this new Instagram DM confused the shit out of me. Frover sent a DM to me and the rest of the Slutties and when I opened it I thought I was in a group chat… Confusions.

Alright, alright it’s about that time. I say good day!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (by the way my hand cramped up at least 6 times while I was writing this. Just so you know I was physically hurt why writing tonight’s post.)

Rest in Peace to the greatest catcher in pinstripes Yogi Berra. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” -Yogi Berra

Vino Viernes!!!

Welcome and Good Evening, I have something really special prepared for you tonight! It’s going to tickle your pickle, it’s going be like the Goose that gets you feeling loose, it’s going dittle your skittle, it’s going to blah blah your blah blah… Sorry I ran out of random sayings. Anyway there’s really nothing special tonight I just wanted to get everyone hyped up. I’m sorry I did that I can be such an asshole. It might actually (must say with British accent) be Delilah (my alter ego) since its been a very long time since she came out to play. When she doesn’t get out much she starts to randomly seep into my everyday life, and that’s not good because this bitch is reckless. I find it so funny that my alter ego decided to name herself Delilah… Like why couldn’t she think of something more fun. Look at Beyoncé bro her alter egos name is Sasha Fierce… It’s amazing!! This is why Beyoncé is the Queen! My life goal is to one day be so incredibly famous that phones auto correct my name like they do with Beyoncé. I’ve spelled her name so many times that it’s started to look like it’s spelled incorrectly.imageSoooo tonight’s wine is Cabernet Sauvignon from Sweet Bitch! I’ve never had Cabernet Sauvignon before, but I just assumed that it was a dry wine! I feel like all wines that have a fancy name are dry… Clearly I know a lot about wines. Any way this wine was incredibly sweet. It was so sweet that it felt dry if that makes any type of sense. I love the sweeter wines but this shit was like have a shit of the sweetest syrup ( I can’t think of any syrup right now… I think I’m having a surfer overload). I had everybody in my house try this wine and everyone made the same face. Their faces was as if they had just bit into a slice of lemon! My parents were even saying that this wine could give you a good case of the diarrhea. If your into really sweet wines than this brand is for you because all the bottles I saw said a Smooth and Sweet.

Today my mother and I realized we can no longer go shopping together because we enable each other to buy random things we don’t need! Our original plan tonight was to go get dinner and then go buy another beach chair for this weekend. So after we went to dinner we stopped at Sam’s Club we ended up walking back out because they didn’t have anything. Next we went to Walmart ,which is right next to Sam’s, we walked around aimlessly until we came upon the beach chairs… I had to do some climbing but we found what we needed and we got the hell out of there because shit got crazy. You know if your in Walmart to long shit gets crazy!!!

While we were in Walmart I was telling my mom that I need to buy a suitcase for my trip to California next month, so she suggested we go to BJ’s. We went to BJ’s looked at the sit cases for like two seconds (because they were crazy expensive) and almost walked out with a supersize bag of peanut M&Ms, an oversized beach towel, some random tub mat and a new shower head for my bathroom ( that was like 50 bucks… I was willing to pay $50 for a shower head I don’t need instead of buying a suitcase I do need, I sometimes don’t understand my own logic) any way thank god those longs were long and we put everything back where we didn’t find them (sorry BJ’s workers, I know we’re such assholes).

Any-who after we leave BJ’s Mama Moon and I go to Burlington Coat Factory ( I don’t think that’s the name anymore, it might just be Burlington), so while we walk around there looking suitcases ( which were just as expensive as BJ’s) we find a section of paintings and photographs… So basically we walked out of Burlington without the suitcase, but I did get three new paintings for my room. I like to call it the Wino Wall!!imageLove Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the lady at the liquor store lied to me, she said the wine would be dry! How can I ever trust her again!)

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)

HELLO NEW HAIR!!!

So I totally dyed my hair again, the blonde was boring me. My new color was supposed to be a blackish/purplish mix. Because of my blonde hair though, I’ve created a masterpiece!!! It’s more of a grayish/purple…I’m completely in love with this color. It looks so cool and totally different than anything I’ve ever done to my hair. I feel like I finally got a winner. I’ve met my hair color soulmate! Here’s a picture for everyone to see.imageIt might not be as noticeable in picture form, but it’s freaking bad ass in real life!!! I’m so excited about my hair that I just want to look at my hair all day in the mirror and tell my hair how beautiful it is and how much I love you, and that you are my one true love.

On to other news, I love you hair Sooo much!! Sorry I had to… Okay forrealz this time, I had a pretty good weekend… Well besides seeing my once upon a time love of my life and my mother saying such horrid things like asking about his so called “wife”. Ugh, As If!!! They’re not married, well I hope they’re not…okay I really don’t mean that (I kinda do, but I kinda don’t) I want them to be happy or whatever, but just not near me so I don’t have to like see it ever!!! OOOO and I thought my mother was on my side… How dare she call her his “wife” in front of me!!! I would disown her, but I can’t cuz you know I live in her house, so that would be kind of rude of me.

On a much much much much much much happier note, I saw MAGIC MIKE XXL… And holy shit that was, I don’t even have words to explain the MAN-liciousness that occurred on that screen. I bow down to those that decided to make a movie about male entertainers… Because GAWD DAMN!!! It was amazing. Magic Mike XXL, you turned my almost shitty weekend right around and ended it on a AWESOMEBALLZ NOTE. I was so flustered after this movie that me and alcohol are back in good terms… Because you know I needed a drink or two after that! Whew! I gots my self all hot and bothered just reminiscing… I gotta go!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I finally have the purple hair I’ve been dreaming about!!)

June…Is It you?

HELLO JAN… I mean JUNE!!! I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be warm, not freaking 55 degrees!!! Mother Nature you have got to get your shit together girl. It’s not cute anymore. I understood having this kind of weather in April… But home girl we are officially in June. Stop yourself before you go to far. This time of year is supposed to be warmer weather for us in the east coast of the U.S. I’m not sure if you got your A countries/continents mixed up but we’re north AMERICA… not AUSTRALIA, where they are in fall going into winter. Here in North AMERICA it’s spring going into summer. I just thought I should clarify that for you because girl what ever your smoking, it must be some real good shit.
I’m over my rant about the weather, on to something else.
This weekend I got to see all my slutties in one place! That’s a rarity to catch us all together in one place. We were doing the Arthritis walk for Mamasitas daughter Princess Peach. The whole crew showed up even some extras like Mamasitas daughter who I already named and Mamasitas son Yoshi. Ooo one of our other sluttos was there,let’s call him the Green-Eyed Mofo… And Mama and Papa Moon made cameos. So it was a pretty amazing weekend!
Have you ever been in the zone when your driving, and when your at a red light you look around and make eye contact with the driver next to you. Well, that happened to me today… twice, and all at the same red light. I should’ve just stopped and looked forward when I made eye contact with the lady standing at the bus stop. But no why would I do that, as I turned my head to the right, I had a feeling that shit would get weird. Of course it did… I looked over and looked right into this guys eyes, it was so weird I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I smiled awkwardly and waved, meanwhile the guy had already looked away and drove off, so I basically looked like a creep. Ooo wellz… Ta ta for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the weird person that makes eye contact with people)

Wining and Painting

I Know I know…I’m sorry this is so late but I actually had plans today I know crazy but I did. My mum brought me to her company gathering. We went to wine and paint night or wine and drink night something like that, and it was AMAZEBALLZ. When I first thought about doing this with my friends I was like YASSS, I need to do this. After the idea settled I started getting a little nervous. Like what if my painting doesn’t come out anywhere near decent or even remotely resemble what ever it is we are supposed to be painting. So I pretty much stressed my self out for nothing. It’s pretty easy, our instructor was really nice and encouraging. Well I suppose she has to be because you know we paid for this. Any who they really take they’re time and walk you through everything. Like what color were staring off with and how to correctly blend colors. Not only was I becoming a painting master I felt at the end of our session that I could be the one instructing. I guess I’ll leave that to you to decide.

image1-2So here’s where we started with a blank canvas and somewhat full glass of wine (I might have had one or two sips)… At this point I was still pretty optimistic that I could handle this. I was glancing over at the example we were going to be painting and it look relatively simple.

FullSizeRender-3At this point I started getting a little worried, my blues weren’t correctly blending with each other and the middle was supposed to go from white to light blue and blah blah blah… There’s a little dark patch there that was really pissing me off. Throughout this whole thing I’m thinking that this would be a relaxing experience, but when my shit wasn’t looking like the instructors I started getting annoyed!! Like honestly how hard is it to just paint the damn canvas blue!!!

image3Now the trees… Ooo these damn trees!!! Looking at the picture they don’t look that bad, but this took a lot of concentration!!! And I learned that I would never be a surgeon… I got some shakes hands man!

image4And finally the finished product and my empty glass of wine ( I at least three after that I decided it would be wise to forget how many I actually had)!!! I’m the next freaking Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet, Rembrandt… I could continue but that’s about the extent of artist that I know. Ooo my art history professor would be so pissed at me. Once the class is done and I’ve passed it I forget everything I was taught as fast as humanly possible. My brain needs room for next semesters classes!
Well I’m out its time for bed!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back.
Emily ( but you can know refer to me as Emily Picasso-Van Gogh-Monet)
Ps. If you haven’t gone wine and painting I suggest you do it… It was the best time ever!!