Puppy-Love and Stalkerish Tendencies.

I’m back and creepier than ever. When I say creepier I mean it in the most wonderful way it can possibly sound. You know what Ixnay on the creepier-ay… I could possibly be the next CIA/FBI/Secret Agent/Detective/007, honestly any of those would work that’s how good my (I don’t want to say stalking but if the shoe fits) investigative skills are. I shall give thee a little story on the person you are about to learn about. 

Once upon a time there was a pre-teen (or maybe even teen-teen) and she went by the name of… umm let’s just say she went by the name of… you know what her name was Emily and it was me. Any who this pre-teen/teen-teen met a boy through her neighbor and bestie at the time…we are no longer neighbors nor are we really friends anymore you know how that goes, you get older one of you becomes a little, how you say, sluttie when we were slightly (way) too young for it, so the other one (me) kind of just gradually cuts the sluttie one out of her life. I know I know it was a real sh🌙tty thing to do but I was fucking 14 or some sh🌙t and I didn’t know how to handle it so shut your face and listen to the rest of the story! (We’re still friends in Facebook if that counts)So Emily was introduced to this boy named Garry… his name was Garry with two R’s. So Emily and Garry become really good friends and the best part about this friendship was that his younger cousin lived up the block from her house. They got to hang out all the time and of course Emily fell into puppy love with Garry (with two R’s). This “love” was so serious that practically everyone on the block knew of Emily’s feelings for Garry. As the days went by the kids on the block would play football, tag, manhunt and just hang out on the steps. All of a sudden Garry tells Emily that his family is moving to California. Emily’s little teenager heart was broken she didn’t know how to deal. She had never told Garry that she liked him liked him, so she simply told him that she’d miss him and to keep in touch. 

A year or so passes and Emily is no longer friends with the neighbor that had once been her bestie. Emily is now a freshman (I think) in high school and has somewhat forgotten about her puppy love and is crushing on other boys from her school and some not from her school. One day she had gotten home from I think it was softball practice and she was just hanging out in front of her house eating string cheese, when a boy that looked oddly familiar was walking up the block. Emily just stared at this boy trying to figure out who he was. Meanwhile the boy was also looking at Emily as well. With their eyes locked he continued his trek up the block.

This story is getting really long so what I’m saying is, that boy she saw was Garry and he’d moved back to Jersey and apparently had been back for a while. So Garry and Emily started to hang out again but then his family moved again and I haven’t seen him since. This is where my investigative skills come into play.

While I was awake in the middle of the night (a couple of days ago) when I should’ve been sleeping… something reminded me of Garry (it could’ve been the fact that I was watching SpongeBob and Gary the snail ( 🐌) slithered around the pineapple). The next thing I know I’m googling Garry (with two R’s) lo and behold there he was my Garry just 12 years older and still looking a little like J-Boog from B2K (if you don’t know who B2K is… you may leave right NOW!! j/k you can stay just google them so you get the picture). What I found was not something I liked.

Apparently Garry has a family. He has two kids and a girlfriend and lives somewhere that is not New Jersey. So the moral of this story is… don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to I know that your gonna have it your way or nothing at all but I think your moving to fast… LISTEN TO MEEEE (sorry I couldn’t help myself and by the way that was waterfalls by TLC if you didn’t know). Anyway moral of the story is you should probably go to sleep at a decent time so you don’t Instagram stalk the kid you were in love with when you were just a wee little lass. You won’t like what you find even though you should be over him because honestly Emily it’s been 12 years since you last saw him what the f🌙ck did you expect.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (once upon a time Mrs. Garry with two R’s)

P.S. Happy Early Independence Day/ 4th of July!!!

When I Grow Up I Want to be a Disney Princess!

Soooo you know I’m obsessed with anything having to do with the Disney Princesses. I’ve always wanted to be one since like forever, but you know that never happened! Any whoooo today while I was doing the dishes (I know scandalous… Me doing dishes!) for some reason I started thinking of all the Disney Princesses and how at some point in their movies some of them are doing dishes… Like Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana, I’m pretty sure Belle was doing dishes in that little cottage she lived in with her father, and Aurora (I think). Then it hit me Ariel was playing with forks and spoons and shit but she never had to do the dishes or the mermaid equivalent. You know why!!!! Because home girl lived in the SEA until she was 16… Down there the mermaid dishes and utensils practically cleaned themselves while they were being used!! That Ariel what a lucky whore! Not only does she get the hottest Prince, oooo Prince Eric…Erik…Erick? (Which way did this dude spell it!!) I have an unhealthy obsession with thee. Sorry I got off track, as I was saying not only does she get that fine piece of ass Prince Eric… Home girl never had to do the dishes a day in her life! She never had to wonder what the fuck is this nasty shit I’m cleaning, or eeeeeewwwww, or FUCK that’s hot, or damn it I have more water on my shirt than in the sink…thanks a lot SPOON… Okay I’m done. Not only was she a Princess under the sea (you like how I threw that in there. Wink wink), she married into royalty and had servants for the rest of her human/mermaid life!! So what I’m basically saying is when I grow up I want to be Princess Ariel! That’s all for now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Princess Amelia (AaaaaaahAaaaaaaahh AaaaaaahAaaaaaahhAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh… Just think of the part Ursula tells Ariel to sing so she can steal her voice and then you shall under stand the aaaaahhhs)

You think you know, But you have no idea.

I just finished watching Caitlyn Jenner’s show on E (I Am Cait), and I’m going to continue to watch this show. I’m not a fan of reality T.V; the only time I ever watch it is if there is nothing else on. This show just hit me in the Corazon (heart) really hard. I think it’s because this show to me feels genuine, sincere, and was able to make me feel so many different emotions I didn’t even know I had, it was incredible. I was able to empathize with her; I went from feeling scared and anxious with her when she was about to introduce her sisters and mother to Caitlyn, to happy for her being able to be who she really is an was her entire life.

While watching this show I started thinking about what she and other transgenders have gone through and are going through. Especially the teenagers, it’s hard enough being a teenager, having to deal with high school and cliques and puberty; on top of all that they are also struggling with who they are mentally, physically and emotionally. I just hope one day everyone can be accepted for they are.I know my life is nothing like Caitlyn Jenner’s life, but this show made me think about my experience. It’s one of the reasons why I loved it so much.

Throughout the show, I started thinking back to when I was a teenager constantly feeling like I lived in my brothers shadow, while struggling to find my place and my voice. I always wanted to please people, but at the same time be myself… I know that’s confusing, but that’s how I felt and sometimes still feel. That’s where I feel l can relate to Jenner. Because I felt like I lived in my brother shadow; I was always trying to be better than him, and to be seen as my own person and not just as Luna’s little sister. There were times where I felt like the only reasons I played sports was to be seen as either an equal or better athlete than my brother ( I felt like that was the only way to be seen at all). A lot of the time I felt like I was in competition with him. In high school I was always compared to my brother (Is she as good a ball player like her brother?… That one was my favorite). There were even times where I thought that my parents cared more about my brother than they did me. When your younger I feel like you only see through one spectrum; you only see what’s happening at that moment, and all these emotions are coming at you in full force. I felt that my parents were much more involved in my brothers sports than they were mine. So of course that lead to me believe that they loved him more. As an adult I can see the other side of things, the reason why it was difficult for my parents to make it to my games ( my games were at 4 pm, while my brothers were at 6pm… My parents were still at work when my games started).

I feel because I know who I am ( well sort of I’m still working on it, but I’m getting there), and because I’m older (I suppose)  I can see things differently… I have a new point of view.

I feel like I just had and MTVs Diary moment; “You think you know, but you have no idea… This is the Diary of Emily.”

Well that’s it for tonight… I know I know my thoughts are all over the place… To bad deal with it!

Lova Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I say everyone shall watch I Am Cait… You won’t regret it)

Happy Birthday Titz!!

Today’s my aunts birthday… For those of you that don’t know my aunt passed away a couple of months ago. So in honor of her memory I wanted to write about her and some of the funny stuff we used to do.

One of our favorite things to do was go to this buffet, called rainbows, on Wednesday because it was CRAB LEG DAY!!! When I tell you we went in on those crab legs…WE. WENT. IN! The second they would bring out fresh crab legs my aunt would be like “Mimi GO!” We had this down to a science! Even if we still had food, one of us would still get up and bring a plate full to the point of toppling over! We even started to recruit a couple of my friends so we would have more hands to bring more plates of Crab Legs. I was afraid that one day they would have a picture of us in the front banning us forever!

Another thing we loved to do was watch this show called Man vs Wild on animal planet! It was the funniest show ever! This Australian guy would go out in the wild and teach us regular people how to survive in different climates and all that good stuff. You know just in case you wander off into the desert or Amazon or whatever. It was some helpful stuff. In one episode the guy was looking for edible berries and her bends down picks up this little pebble looking thing smells it and then takes a nibble out of it. This dude looks right into the camera (with his thick Australian accent) and says “Animal Poo.” Me and Titz could not stop laughing this mofo just ate some random animals shit. It was the funniest thing we’ve ever seen. From that day on we would randomly call each other and just say Animal Poo with our horrible Australian accents!
Man my aunt was my freaking partner in crime. When I was in high school my parents had a strict 10pm curfew for me; it didn’t matter of it was a school night or not… My ass had to be home a 10. Obviously then I thought that they were being inconsiderate, mean, way to strict, ruining my life… You know all those melodramatic teenage girl things. Of course now I understand where my parents were coming from. Shit is crazy out there especially for a 14-18 year old. Yeah my curfew didn’t end until I moved to Connecticut for school. Any way at that age you don’t care about any of the stuff your parents are telling you. So every once and a while I would sleepover my aunts house and she would let me stay out till midnight and for a 17/18 year old ,that was on lockdown, ( I’m locked up they won’t let me out… They won’t let me out) that was GOLD!!!
My favorite thing about my aunt though was that she was always there for me when ever I needed her. There were times where I needed to talk to someone and she would be there to listen no matter how stupid or what stupid thing I did, she was always there. No matter what she would drop everything for me, and that’s what I missed the most. Just knowing that she always had my back. Like times when I would be upset she would call me and be like “Mimi, come pick me up you little bitch, so we can go to the Coach House and make fun of people.” Coach House is a diner that she was obsessed with because of the salad bar.
My aunt was and still is one of the loudest, sarcastic, funniest, amazeballz person I’ve ever know!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TITZ!!!
I Love You from the Heavens and back,
Mimi ( I know your probably looking down at me right know making fun of my yellow hair… I still love you!!! And I miss you!)

J.E.R.K.!!!

“You need to give it up…had about enough… it’s not hard to see…THE. BOY. IS. MINE.” Please tell me I’m not the only one that acts out both Brandy and Monica’s parts in the beginning of The Boy Is Mine. I do this no matter where I am. If I manage to catch this song from the beginning I switch into character real quick. When I’m Monica I roll my neck, use my hands a lot and cross my arms. When I’m Brandy I roll my neck (because neck rolls show whose boss), purse my lips and roll my eyes (just so you know while I was writing this i’m obviously acting it out as well). I have each character down packed/down pat…umm, urban dictionary gave me both options so I don’t know what to do with my self (just incase you don’t know what this means…it basically means to have it perfect). As I was saying my performance of The Boy Is Mine could win me both a Grammy and an Oscar!!

I’m trying this new thing where when I get a thought I want to write about I record my self. Because I’m a very forgetful person, I blame it on my self diagnosed ADD. I get so many ideas coming at me at once (especially when I’m driving), and by the time I open the notes app on my phone (I’m not sure if you knew, but it’s super illegal to like text and drive) or get a paper and pen (I know paper and pens/pencils still exist…its pretty incredible the things this paper stuff can do)…hold on I lost my train of thought…see what I’m saying even when I’m writing about how forgetful I am, I forget. Basically what I’m trying to say it that I completely forget what I was just thinking about at that moment. It’s happens to me all the time…I think I need to talk to someone about this… this cant be normal. Well I’m not normal anyway so I guess it works fine for me.

Anyway, I’m currently listening back to what I wanted to write about today…and it’s a doozer. I’m taking you on a short trip to my younger years. They’ll be several cameos from my slutties. But first I have to tell you that holy Cucamonga, I curse A LOT; and I just called myself an idiot for using Frovers fake name in my recording…ooo how I make myself laugh. Okay back to my flash back.

So back in the day, when myspace was cool, and who ever wasn’t on your top 8 meant that you didn’t give a shit about them, and whoever was booted off your top 8 meant…YOU F***ED UP real bad!

There was a group of slutties/sluttos that called themselves J.E.R.K. (No I’m not gonna tell you why…that’s later when you’ve earned my trust) any who these Slutties created THE longest list of rules to live by (I wanna say it was like 120 rules…Slutties correct me if I’m wrong…I don’t really remember). One of the rules (which was my favorite)…if possible in any scenario answer or speak in song lyrics! The best rules J.E.R.K. lived by were: F*** falling in love, ass before friends (we were real lady like back then), money before ass, and another good one was, your only allowed 1 good cry in front of the rest of us. It’s not like we were heartless bitches (all the time), we just didn’t/still don’t like too many of those things people call “emotions”. Now that were older and bitchy-er we don’t live by these rules anymore. Though we still do believe in Ass before friends; but I wanna say if one of us were really in trouble…then maybe we might think of helping each other…but it has to be really bad…like if you get arrested…I’m sorry your staying there till I’m done.

Well that was today’s episode. See you next time on…Life As A Moon (Vino Viernes edition).

 

Love Ya froimage1m the Moon and Back,

Emily (J.E.R.K. for life!!)

Ps. just wait till I tell you about the UN-DICTIONARY.

I won the Lotto… Or I thought I did!

Soooo today I’ve decided to tell you the time I thought I won the lotto! A couple of weeks ago I had this crazy dream that I won the Cash 4 Life (when you win $1,000 a day for the rest of your life…pretty freaking sweet!!). I know I was freaking jumping off, I mean literally jumping off the walls. I was practically levitating, that probably should have clued me in that I was dreaming, but my dream felt so realistic. You know what else should have helped me realize that I was dreaming; was the fact that after I looked at the numbers on my lotto ticket and realized I won, my bank account balance became rather large extremely quick (which of course I wasn’t complaining). I’m pretty sure though that that’s not how it works. Like I don’t think the NJ Lotto Department (whatever the heck they’re called) has your bank info and just direct deposits the money to your account…or does it, because I’ve never won so I probably shouldn’t be talking all this caca.

In my dream I was feeling extremely generous. I paid off all my parents bills, they’re house, they’re cars, I paid off all of they’re debt and I sent them on some extravagant vacation. Another reason I should have known this was a dream…not that I wouldn’t do all that for them because I would in a heart beat if I had the money, but I know that Daddy Moon wouldn’t be caught dead on an air plane. If he can’t drive there he ain’t going (his words not mine). As I was saying I was feeling so generous that after I paid off all of my bills and all that school loan debt…(Dear Sallie Mae, I hate your sinking guts, you make me vomit, you’re the scuuuum between my toes. Love (Hate you) Emily… I freaking love The Little Rascals). What the heck was I saying again…ooo right so after I paid off all my stuff I decided I would pay off my brothers’ debt and pay for my cousins tuition. I know what your thinking… Gosh Darn it even in this wonderful womans dream state she is still the kindest, most generous, most AWESOME soul you’ll ever meet in your freaking life. I wish I could meet her, she sounds amazeballz. The next morning when I woke up, Ladies tell’em I woke up like this…I woke up like this…FLAWLESS (thank you Queen B…Beyonce for those of you that don’t know…and you should be ashamed if you didn’t know who I was talking about… shame shame shame), sorry you should know by now I can’t help breaking out into song and movie quotes
(it’s the tiny Performer I keep in my pocket that just needs to be let free). So when I woke up I was so freaking excited I went straight from my phone, you’d think I’d check my bank account…NOPE, I checked Instagram first… I’m telling you Instagram is a drug, and I’m a freaking addict!

Any who after I checked Instagram, and realized at 6:30 in the morning people are usually still sleeping and no ones really Instagraming (should there be two M’s..Instagramming?), I checked my bank account super excited to find all this dough…TO HAVE MY DREAM SHATTERED… I was just as broke as I was when I first went to sleep. What a freaking horrible way to start off your day, am I right? And on top of everything else it was Monday and that on itself is a suckfest. After I convinced myself not to throw my phone across the room (because obviously it wasn’t the phones fault that my bank account didn’t know that the dream should have been real…I’m totes not over it if you couldn’t tell), so I talked my self off the ledge, and started wondering what I would really do if I won the Lotto. I hope that I can be just as good a person as my dream self was. I know I would definitely do anything and everything I can for my parents, but I hope I can somehow help other people in need, that would be an amazing feeling. Well thanks for getting through this re-telling of my dream… your lucky, my dream used to be much more detailed when I was younger. I would’ve had you here for days.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Still broke as hell…but loving my life)

PS. What would you do if you won the Lotto? (ponder that, shall we)

Colorful FRIENDS!!

Has anybody had one of those weekends or days even, where you don’t do anything crazy but it was still probably the best time you’ve had.

Well that basically sums up this weekend for me. Saturday night was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary and I absolutely loved it. I spent my Saturday with my favorite Hermanitas (sisters)…I just realized that I have a couple sisters that are my friends…(I swears I love you all…MUAH!!). Any who I hung out with Indigo and Royal Blue, I’ve been friends with these two for as long as I can remember…well I met Indigo through Royal Blue. Royal Blue and I went to Elementary school together and till this day we have no clue how we became friends or even how we met. But I’ve never been more thankful to be able to call these two amazing, talented and B.E.A.UTIFUL people my friends/sisters. Sorry for getting emotional on you there, I just finished listening to Ribbon in The Sky by Stevie Wonder, and let me tell you that dude knows how to pull those heart strings man!

Anyway we spent our night drinking Vino (two big ass bottles), smoking Hookah, and talking crap ranging from: reminiscing about the crazy stuff we used to do, marriage, our book club, will Derek Hough return to DWTS (Dancing With The Stars) to… who would you rather, you know do the nasty with, Derek Hough or Mark Ballas? Sorry Mark you’re a cutie, but I just have this obsession with Dereks… and you know Derek Hough is DEEELISH!! hehehe. We did that who would you rather, you know do the nasty with, for what seemed like hours with a hole bunch of different famous people. Do you know how hard it is to think of celebrities to match up against each other… well I’ll tell you, it was pretty hard man. On any other day I could have told you the persons: full name, where they came from, what movies, shows, music, or sport that person played, but on the day I actually needed this useless information I couldn’t think of anyone’s name. I could see the peoples face perfectly in my head but I couldn’t think for their names to save my life; It’s a good thing I had Google to help me though, because I still would have been saying… you know that guy with face in that movie with the people, and you know the one with the really nice ass. The best part had to be our version of lipsync/rap battle, it was freaking HIGHlarious; I haven’t laughed that hard in what feels like forever (for-ev-er,FOR-EV-ER…gotta love The Sandlot). I say good day to you all!giphy

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (must say in british accent…We Literally drank two big arse bottles of Wine…two)

P. motherFING S. WHY SHONDA RHIMES WHY… How could you do that to me…DEREK FREAKING SHEPHERD… WHY!!! Hasn’t’ Meredith been through enough shit in her life. HOLY CRAP! This woman knows how to ruin a persons perfectly good Thursday night…DAMN BRUH!

Childhood Memories Ruined!!!

It’s official people I can’t run away from it any more. I am TWENTY FREAKING FIVE years old. I am a quarter of a century old, I was even told that I am now two and a half decades old and it sucks big walrus balls. I’m pretty sure I have at least ten… grey? or gray? hairs…this color is freaking cuntfused (confused, but as I’ve said before I like to make up words from already made words…and I feel like cuntfused really makes a point) why is there two spellings for this one color anyway…WTF. Okay anyway, I even think my eyesight is going and I can’t hear as well as I did on Monday…every time I move now I swear I can hear my bones creaking… idk man this old age is getting to me. I just have so many emotions right now, it’s the freaking worst (you’re the worst you know what you’ve done to me, and although it hurts I know, I just can’t keep running away…this song just expressed what’s going on in my heart and soul right now about being 25, without even knowing it…daaaayum!! Thanks Jhene Aiko). Okay. Okay. I’m done being melodramatic I shall move on.

So my mum kind of ruined my picture perfect memories of a couple of my birthday parties when I was younger. I remember it like it was yesterday…okay it was actually on Sunday…we (meaning my brother, father and mother) were on our way to Sports Authority; I’m not really sure how the topic of past birthday parties came up, but I was like “guys remember when we used to go ice-skating for my birthday” but my mum shut that shit down real quick by saying…”we only went ONE time”… I felt like she really meant to say…”are you crazy we only went once stupid” (childhood memories crushed). For some reason I always thought that we used to go ice-skating for my birthday, but apparently I was wrong. I always remember having the best time ever with my friends (more like sisters from other misters…I want to give them names but I’m having the hardest time thinking of good ones right now…I think its my old ass, quarter of a century, two and a half decade brain being a douche) and my brother and his friends (his friends were actually my friends brothers…so it was just a big family event…or so I thought) any way we were always together when we were younger. This week I come to find out we only went ice-skating ONE time for my birthday. Where the hell was I getting all these amazing images of me being an Olympic Gold Medalist Ice-Dancing Queen?

Yesterday morning I was listening to Elvis Duran and the morning show and they were talking about little things people do that piss you off. I never noticed how many little things get me mad (clearly a color having more than one spelling really gets me going). One guy that called into the show said that it pisses him off when he sees people eating their cheeseburgers upside down, and that got me thinking…that shit pisses me off too. There’s a reason it’s called a top and bottom bun…like eat it the RIGHT WAY BRUH!!! So now I’m on a roll, I start thinking of all these things that just piss me off. Like when your at a red light and the thing just turned GREEN LIKE HALF A SECOND AGO AND THE ASSHOLE BEHIND YOU BEEPS THEIR STUPID ASS HORN AT ME…OOOO THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUT MY CAR IN REVERSE RAM THE SHIT OUT OF DOUCHEBAGS CAR…GO FORWARD AND REPEAT AT LEAST TWO TIMES THAN PUT MY CAR IN PARK, GET OUT AND GO POKE YOU IN THE EYEBALL YOU JACK ASS!!!! I’m sorry I got a little carried away and I only gave one example… And I’m already pissed this needs to stop.

OMG…a funny thing happened to me yesterday; when I was driving to work I got hit by a freaking rock in the back of my head. Mind you I was in my car on the freaking turnpike. My window was only a smidge open and that freaking rock pegged me hard as hell, and it scared the crap out of me… for some reason I thought my roof fell on me, but I’m preeeetty sure that would have hurt a lot more. I’ve decided to say goodbye in song… and now I’m bout to throw them deuces up… deuces (that was Chris Browns song…just incase you didn’t know).

IMG_0524Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (I’m so old now… I can’t even think of anything good to put here)

P.S. Don’t judge my white ashy hands…I know your thinking it, because that’s the first thing I noticed!