New Episode, Who Dis?

New episode up!! Follow the links below!

On this weeks episode I talk about my dick appointment, the new friends I made at Apple and my mom trying to marry me off. “Part of your world” from The Little Mermaid gets it’s time to shine on my segment “I’m Sorry, Que?”. 

Anchor:

https://anchor.fm/lifeasamoon

Apple Podcast:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-as-a-moon/id1485767206?uo=4

Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/show/5yuaE0CsX5MuqHEaDYIjK4

Google Podcast:

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy9mYjhmYmI0L3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz

Breaker:

https://www.breaker.audio/life-as-a-moon

Pocket Cast:

https://pca.st/8kxhqus0

Overcast:

https://overcast.fm/itunes1485767206/life-as-a-moon

We’re Siblings, We’re Happy and We’re Singing and We’re…

New Episode up now!!! My brother joins me on this weeks episode and we had the best fucking time! Guys the podcast is basically available everywhere! We’re on Anchor, Spotify, Apple Podcast, Google Podcast! It’s everywhere guys!!! I hope you come by to listen!!! Links below!

https://anchor.fm/lifeasamoon

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-as-a-moon/id1485767206?uo=4

The World of Online Dating Part 4… I Think.

Oh online dating has struck again. You would think after all these “interesting” conversation I’ve had that I would learn my lesson and give up on this online dating thing. I just can’t kick this bad habit. I’m sure people have found love online and all that jazz, but it’s just not working out for me. Maybe it’s because I’m doing the free dating apps because I’m too broke to actually pay and actually meet someone who isn’t cray or likes to send me dick pics on the reg. Is it too much to ask for that first time someone messages you it isn’t a shot of their appendage (nah mean).

There is one up side to online dating, and that is it has consistently given me something to talk about. So I guess there’s that. In this segment of The World of Online Dating, we will be introduced to two very special human beings.

First up is a guy who just cut straight to the chase. Please see below so you know what I mean.

I mean I know what a freaking prince! For him to just offer to call me so that I can here him relieve himself to my pictures was something I’ve always dreamed my future hubby would ask me. So precious.

Now for the doser. This guy really did a fucking 180 on me. I thought that this would possibly turn into something fun. Before this incident that you are about to read, we were having a great conversation. I even spoke to this guy on the f🌙cking phone. I hate talking on the phone. When we spoke on the phone the first time we had a pretty good conversation, keep in mind it was during my lunch and we only had about 15mins to talk so I couldn’t fully gage his crazy. Our second phone conversation(in the same day mind you) was on my drive home from work. Don’t worry it was through the cars hands free shit, so I was being a safe driver.

I had asked him why he moved to NJ from NC. And that’s when it went to shit. He thought it was rude of people to ask why he’s here, when I was just asking out of curiosity because I would’ve stayed in NC (no offense to Jersey, I love it because I was born and raised here, but if I had the option I would most likely move). So he finally decided that he wanted to tell me about he’s reasonings and his last relationship being the main reason for his move. Let me tell you it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows so I understood his need for a change (but Jersey?, there’s 49 other states). At one point during our conversation I was having trouble hearing him so I told him I’d talk to him later because I couldn’t hear him. After I hung up I texted saying I really appreciated him telling me about his past (mind you I don’t give a flying fuck… which I guess is mean but whatevs). He responded asking me if I was judgmental because he felt that I was because he thought that it was convenient for my phone to start acting up after he told me about his past. I replied apologizing that he felt that way but that I am the least judgmental person, and that I could careless what happened in his past.

So about an hr after that I’m with Sluttie McSlutterson and we’re having dinner and he decided to text me. So I told him what I was doing and didn’t really reply because I WAS. HAVING. DINNER! So this exchange is what transpired after that. Please read below.

If you don’t know what a double negative is please re-evaluate your life. If I don’t say so myself I was very nice to this guy. I could’ve been a bitch but I reeled it in. Well needless to say I blocked him!

That’s all for this segment of The World of Online Dating!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I really should give up on this shit, but I just have some much fun writing about it)

10 F🌙cking Years!!!

Guys I know I’m slacking hardcore and I keep telling you that I’ll be back next week and I keep lying to you. In all honesty I’ve just been having a hard time thinking if things to write about. It’s like I don’t have anything relatively fun to say. Instead of calling this thing that I have a “writers block” let’s just say I’m in a pretty big consistent slump. Every player has their bad games. This is my bad game that’s been going on for a while.

Anyway the real reason I’m writing today is not only because it’s Father’s Day and I want to write something super special, beautiful and heartfelt for my dad. But also because my FUCKING 10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is next Friday and I’m NOT a New York Times Bestseller (because I haven’t written anything yet), A Grammy Award winning singer, an Academy Award Winning Actress, a Tony Award winning Lead Actress in a Musical, an Olympic Gold Medalist, nor am I super rich and famous for no reason… don’t tell anyone I still don’t have a bachelors degree. And as much as I love my dad and want to write about him, he would literally just tell me “Mimi, fuck you”. Let me be clear when he curses you out it’s really all love so don’t think bad about him, he’s the best. I’m pretty sure he’s buying me a pair of sneakers right now when I should be the one buying him gifts! So basically what I’m saying is that I’ll be writing about my FUCKING 10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

As I said before in a very uplifting and positive way, I ain’t done shit in the last 10 years since I fucking graduated HS. So I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about this reunion. First I feel that in this day of social media we don’t really need a HS reunion. I know everything that’s been happening in my former classmates lives, so really what is there to catch up on. Also majority of my graduating class is either married, in serious relationships, and/or have kids. Meanwhile, I’m here thinking like aren’t we too young to be getting married forgetting that I’m on the precipice of 30 (I’m not even sure I used precipice correctly… that’s how fucked I am). I’m no where near where I thought I would be. With my reunion looming over my head, it’s really putting my shit show of a life into perspective. Yes I’m working towards my degree and I have a job and all that jazz, but I feel like I’ve wasted the last 10 years of my life. God damnit this is some fucking depressing shit. I’m also 1000% sure this post has the most curse words I’ve ever written before. Also, I guess I’ll get to see people I haven’t seen in a while so that should be fun.🤥

Well guys on that depressing ass note, I’m going to go drown my sorrows in a large glass of water (because my tum tum is upset with me and I don’t want him to continue to be upset with me.). I will also try and think of a way to become rich and/or famous but preferably rich in one week or less. Should be super fucking easy.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily aka Debbie Downer (Should I even go to this reunion? Aren’t they for like people to show off how amazing their lives turned out. I feel like I don’t fit the criteria. Maybe I should do some Romy and Michelle shit and make believe I invented Post-its/Sticky notes. And if you don’t know what I’m referring to, please just go watch Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion… you see I can’t even tell you to go fuck off that’s how sad I be.)

P.S. Happy Father’s Day to all you amazing Dads. Especially my dad that dude is the fucking best!

Mama Moon!!

As Lil’ Kim would say “I been gone for a minute now I’m back with the jump off…”. I know I know I’ve been so freaking inconsistent lately, but I wasn’t in the right mind set to write, and I’ll get to that reason next week. BUT!!! I thought today would be the best day for my return! “Why?” you ask. Because any chance I get to talk about my momma is a good day to start writing again! So this post is dedicated to Mama Moon.

First and foremost I want to say Happy Mother’s Day to the lady that carried me in her tum tum. There have been times where I’ve written about my mom but what you guys don’t know is what an incredibly strong woman she is! Without my mom all of us would be lost! This woman is the key to our survival! Once a year or so my mom has to go away for a couple days for work and when I tell you we don’t know what to do with ourselves it’s not a joke. My dad would literally just be home sad waiting for my mom to get back. It’s like this man doesn’t know how to be a functioning adult man without her.

For me, my mom is my best friend. She’s the one person I can confide in and I know that she would totally judge the shit out of me but still love me! Honestly I do do some judge worthy shit and I’m cool with it and 95% if the time she’s cool with it too. My mom is my therapist, my doctor, my window shopping buddy that inevitability turns into actual shopping because we can’t control ourselves, partner in crime (just know if you ever see me speeding through a yellow light, that it’s my mom next to me yelling “GO GO GO GO!”), food aficionado and my number 1 fan. You know what the best part about this is, she pays for everything and all I have to do is drive her around… just kidding ok not really she mostly does pay for everything😁. But here’s one thing I don’t tell her enough (I’m sure this goes out to a lot of us) but Mom you are my fucking super hero and I love you so much! Without you I wouldn’t be half the woman I am today. I’m incredibly lucky to have you as my mother and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I love you Mum from the Moon and Back,

Mimi ( your favorite child. Don’t worry that other one already knows)

P.S. I also want to thank everyone that has kept reading my blog while I’ve been gone. I really appreciate you. I also have another page solely dedicated to my latest hobby (photography). So if you want to check out my photos the page is called Moon View and here’s the link ( Moon View ).

You Like Me, You Really Really Like Me!

So a couple of you crazy kids reached out and asked if I was coming back and that you missed me! Guys I feel sooo loved, but at the same time you’re kinda smothering me… jk jk.. that’s how I usually respond when I’m talking to a guy and he starts calling me babe and telling me he misses me after hanging out one time. It gets weird! But when it comes from one of you fabulous peeps I feel like I want to run away… less, so that’s good. Anywho, a lot of things have happened in the past month! Ok well not a lot… really just two things. But both things are equally interesting. So I’ve been trying to decide if I should do just one big post about it or if each one should get their own. I’ve decided on the latter, because honestly that’s the easiest option and I won’t have to think of what to write next week.

So the last post left off about a week before Christmas. Oh Christmas what a magical time and a time where money just flies out of your bank accounts. Back to the story. Every year my friends and I have a Christmas party where we exchange our secret Santa gifts, play beer pong and just have a jolly ole time. This year was even more special than previous years.

This year… wait for it…. we got to witness a proposal!!! How f🌙cking magical is that sh🌙t!!! Two of my slutties, Frover and Frenemy, are freaking engaged! These two are the first in our group of friends to get to this stage in their lives. It was pretty amazing to be a part of such a special moment! These two have been together for so long through ups and downs, and now they are taking this next step and I can’t be happier for them! I’m not gonna lie Frenemy might have made my eyes leak a little bit with his speech.

If either of you a reading this I just want you both to know that I’m so incredibly happy for you, and I wish you guys the happiest forever. You both deserve it! Love you guys!!

Well that’s enough of the mushy crap.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( I just want everyone to know that I’m probably the best photographer ever bwuahahaha. P.S. that little reindeer in the back is a scary mofo.)

How To Get Exactly What You Want For Christmas!

As Christmas gets closer and closer, I become increasingly less subtle when giving “hints” about what I want for Christmas. The hunt for my prefect Christmas gift from my parents usually starts around mid-October. My parents would ask me (usually at separate times) what I want for Christmas, and me being the best daughter ever I tell “don’t worry about me, I don’t need anything this year”. Which would make my parents say it’s not about what you need Mimi (that’s one of my many nicknames)it’s about what you want. And then I would be like well I don’t want anything don’t waste your money on me. I know I know you’re all probably wondering,”Mofo what’s wrong with you they want to get you something… shut your face and just tell them what you want!” Listen to me people this is all apart of the plan! I must start off being humble and then progress to my ever growing Christmas list.

Fast forward to about mid-November and this is where the hints start to fly! Let’s say I’m with my mom at Target and we walk by the scarves and hats and gloves and all those pretty accessories, I would casually pick the scarf/hat/glove set that matches and be like “mom isn’t this cute!!! Doesn’t it make me look fierce! Omg feel how soft and warm this is. I think this would look awesomeballz with my coat, and just think of how WARM it will keep me on those COLD, WINTER, SNOWY, BELOW ZERO days” (you know you have to throw in the possibility of catching an pneumonia (please pronounce this properly… the P is not silent here!). Then I would look at the price a be like “WTF! I’d rather freeze my nips then buy this sh🌙t.” Then put it back and look at it longingly while you walk away. This approach works well with everything. Just make sure you find something to make the parentals think that they could possibly be saving your life, but it has to relate to what you want… nah mean.

Fast forward about a week or so to Thanksgiving, and the parentals ask again what I would want for Christmas in a casual convo over dinner or dessert or getting wasted. And I tell them guys I don’t need anything, don’t worry, save your money and buy yourselves something magical. I flip flop a lot during the holiday season. I want to be an amazing daughter and not have them waste their money on me, but at the same time I’m like “I’m your amazing daughter waste ALL your money on me.” Like in everyday life I am also indecisive about what kind of daughter I am.

Fast forward to around this time in December. I am no longer subtle, I’m actually extremely obvious at this point. Please refer to the text convo with my mum, da, and brov. (If you haven’t realized this by now I really wish I had an amazing accent).

When desperation kicks in and the thought of you having to pay almost $200 for a ticket you stop caring about being surprised with your presents and just want exactly what you want so you can spend more money buying sh🌙t you don’t need at Universal.

Well that’s all folks!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (guys this will be my first time EVER going to Universal and I’m so freaking excited! YAAAAASSSSSS!!!!)

Where Did My Brain Go?

I’ve done some incredibly nerve-wrecking things and have had some pretty nerve induced moments in my life, but the nervousness I went through last week was insurmountable. Before I get to the shit show that went down last week let me be incredibly modest and just write about all the magnificent things that have happened in my life. It all started when my mom found out she was pregnant with the most magical being to ever exist… ok you don’t need to know that let’s just fast forward through my incredible existence. 

So, I’ve played sports throughout my life and there have been some nail biting moments then, buuuuut I’ve still done more hand shaking hyperventilating type things. I’ve auditioned for multiple singing competitions. “But Emily, why would that make you nervous? You seem like a pocket full of sunshine and merry-go-rounds, and you would never be nervous for anything.” Well I really appreciate the vote of confidence you have in me, but I actually have something called “Le stage fright”. I know right… ME…having stage fright…. impossible. Negator…extremely possible. When it comes to singing in front of people (doesn’t matter if I know them or not) I have some trouble. The only way I can sing in front of anyone and it doesn’t bother me is if we are related (because you can’t get rid of me I will always be a part of your family… bwuahahahaha) or if I’m really close to you. Ooo also I’ll sing to you if you sing with me… I love doing that!. Anywho so yes I’ve auditioned for American Idol, The Voice (*cough* several times *cough*) and X-Factor. 

After all of that I never thought I would be as nervous as I was then. Oooo but was I wrong! Last week I had to do a video interview for this job I applied for. I know right… super fancy! I thought everything was going to be fine I’ve had experience interviewing before, yes it was my first time doing a video interview but honestly how bad can it be. LET ME TELL YOU… it can go horribly horrendously wrong! Once that little light on my laptop went on letting me know the recording had commenced… my whole body froze! When I say my whole body I mean even my fucking brain!!! It’s like I forgot every word I’ve ever learned in my 27 years of life. I’m pretty sure I forgot my name… actually no that was the only thing I remembered because I introduced myself even though they never asked. Eventually I got over my stupor, but it didn’t get any better. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I’m pretty sure I was sweating profusely. All in all it wasn’t great…. possibly the worse experience of my life to date. 

Well I must sleep now because after reliving that interview my nerves are shot.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (if you were wondering I didn’t get a second interview… Momma always told me… you win some, you lose some and sometimes you ruin your own life… just kidding, she didn’t say that I made that up.)

Diets I’ve Tried!

So this topic came about in a special way. I’m actually writing a paper for my class (which is actually due tonight at midnight and I haven’t even started it yet… *sigh* procrastination at its best). What I’m about to write about is what my paper will be about, so I figured no better time like the present than to bring this topic up! Tonight’s topic is about (drum roll please… tatatatatatata 🥁) weight loss…I know I already hate it BUT I must continue on!

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole LIFE!!! I’ve tried every diet under the sun. “Which diets have you tried Emily?” I’m glad you asked you nosey son of B🌙tch. I shall make a list for you and I shall name it The Diets I’ve Tried/Attempted:

1. Atkins: for those of you that don’t know the Atkins diet, it’s basically a protein based diet which means a lot of meats and no carbs. Well that’s how it was when I tried it (mind you it was some time when I was in high school so probably around the age of 14ish). I’m not sure what the diet entails now, but I’ve seen many improvements. The other day I saw some meal bars and frozen foods with Atkins all over it so I’m assuming it’s doing well.

2. “Low Carb”: this one had more carbs than the Atkins a little less protein and a very sad Emily. I shall move on.

3. Jenny Craig(just so you know Jenny Craig is one expensive lady… this b🌙tch high maintenance): I tried Jenny my senior year of high school, and to my surprise it worked for me for a while… I lost a little over 50 lbs or so on this diet and I felt great. With Jenny you have a meal plan prepared for you from your consultant (you buy these frozen meals from Jenny Craig or they have a JC cookbook that you can work with). So you meet with this person once a week or every two weeks depending on how far along in the process you are, and you weigh in and talk about what’s happened that week, why you might not have hit your weight loss goal for that week and where improvements can be made. This worked for me until I went away to college and no longer had the JC meals. And the freshman 15 (you know the weight you gain in your first year of college) well that turn to the freshman 50 because I gained all that weight right back and then some. I was so distraught and disappointed in myself that I kind of gave up at that point in my life.

4. Liquid Base: when I was 21/22 my dad and I went on a liquid diet (NO there wasn’t alcohol involved… you jerk I know what you were thinking… bunch of alcoholics). For breakfast we would have a smoothie, lunch would be a protein shake and my dad went with no dinner and I was like HELL NAW I’m drinking something for dinner. So I would have soup but only the broth. This went on for about a month. This did work for a little while, but then I was like yo I’m peeing every two seconds and I was always tired because I wasn’t getting enough nutrients and shit and I was miserable and moody and I hated myself. Also around this time I was also a vegetarian for about a year at this point. So what I’m trying to say is I wasn’t a happy camper.

5. Weight Watchers: I was about 23ish when I tried this one and it’s a similar concept as Jenny Craig, but less expensive.

6. Paleo Diet: did this for about 2 days and was like fuck this! I didn’t do enough research on this diet I just jumped into it. Not the smartest idea! 

My weight has fluctuated a lot throughout these diets and every diet ended the same well except that paleo one, I really had no clue what I was doing. With the other diets I would hit a plateau, and nothing happened throughout this time in these diets and I was always active. In high school I played sports all year round. When I was dorming in college and even when I was commuting I joined a volleyball and softball league. When I wasn’t playing sports I was working out. I was at a stand still and that’s when all the doubt and discouragement kicked in and I would slowly start eating my feelings. All the progress that was made would go to shit and I would be back where I started or even worse. It’s a horrible cycle to put your body and mind through. 

This past week I’ve taken new strides on this weight loss journey of mine. I attended a weight loss surgery seminar, and made an appointment to see the doctor who held the seminar. This is a pretty huge step for me. I’d thought of getting weight loss surgery for a long time. It was a couple of years ago, but that story is for another time (maybe it’ll be my first episode on the podcast that I’ve been wanting to start… if I get there I’ll let you know). When it came to weight loss surgery I NEVER wanted to do it! I told my self over and over that I can get myself there without having to get surgery. I wanted to do this strictly with just diet and exercise. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. I’ve tried for years (about 13 years to be exact) to live a healthier life and lose weight and most importantly keep the weight off. Nothing has worked for me and I’m not getting any younger. I’m getting closer and closer to that age where my mom started having kidney issues. 

Mother’s side of the family has Polycystic Kidney Disease and my mom and both her siblings have either done dialysis or in my mother’s case has had a kidney transplant. My fathers side of the family ain’t no picnic either. On his side I have diabetes and colon cancer to worry about. And I have ovary issues since I was 19 (I think I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but I technically haven’t been diagnosed, but when you constantly be having cysts on your ovaries.. I feel like it’s a given). So I’m pretty much f🌙cked if I don’t get my shit together. With these diseases looming over my head I have to act now while I’m still young and relatively healthy to make sure I stay that way. When you’re younger you don’t think about these things, but now that I’m older and I can really see and understand the toll these diseases take on your body… I don’t want any part of that. If having this weight loss surgery and using it as a tool (I learned this phrase from the seminar… I’m such a good student) to better my health and possibly decrease the risks of me inheriting any of the medical issues, I have to continue on this path that I’ve started. I’m extremely scared and nervous, but after seeing first hand the successes in my friends weight loss surgery journeys… I’m also looking forward to this next step in my own story.

That’s all for now!Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( this one was a lot longer than I thought it would be… it should count for 2 Sunday’s… nah mean)

P.S: Life As A Moon has its own Instagram. For updates on the blog and hopefully the podcast and just some random stuff I post on there follow me @lifeasamoon