The World of Online Dating Part 4… I Think.

Oh online dating has struck again. You would think after all these “interesting” conversation I’ve had that I would learn my lesson and give up on this online dating thing. I just can’t kick this bad habit. I’m sure people have found love online and all that jazz, but it’s just not working out for me. Maybe it’s because I’m doing the free dating apps because I’m too broke to actually pay and actually meet someone who isn’t cray or likes to send me dick pics on the reg. Is it too much to ask for that first time someone messages you it isn’t a shot of their appendage (nah mean).

There is one up side to online dating, and that is it has consistently given me something to talk about. So I guess there’s that. In this segment of The World of Online Dating, we will be introduced to two very special human beings.

First up is a guy who just cut straight to the chase. Please see below so you know what I mean.

I mean I know what a freaking prince! For him to just offer to call me so that I can here him relieve himself to my pictures was something I’ve always dreamed my future hubby would ask me. So precious.

Now for the doser. This guy really did a fucking 180 on me. I thought that this would possibly turn into something fun. Before this incident that you are about to read, we were having a great conversation. I even spoke to this guy on the f🌙cking phone. I hate talking on the phone. When we spoke on the phone the first time we had a pretty good conversation, keep in mind it was during my lunch and we only had about 15mins to talk so I couldn’t fully gage his crazy. Our second phone conversation(in the same day mind you) was on my drive home from work. Don’t worry it was through the cars hands free shit, so I was being a safe driver.

I had asked him why he moved to NJ from NC. And that’s when it went to shit. He thought it was rude of people to ask why he’s here, when I was just asking out of curiosity because I would’ve stayed in NC (no offense to Jersey, I love it because I was born and raised here, but if I had the option I would most likely move). So he finally decided that he wanted to tell me about he’s reasonings and his last relationship being the main reason for his move. Let me tell you it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows so I understood his need for a change (but Jersey?, there’s 49 other states). At one point during our conversation I was having trouble hearing him so I told him I’d talk to him later because I couldn’t hear him. After I hung up I texted saying I really appreciated him telling me about his past (mind you I don’t give a flying fuck… which I guess is mean but whatevs). He responded asking me if I was judgmental because he felt that I was because he thought that it was convenient for my phone to start acting up after he told me about his past. I replied apologizing that he felt that way but that I am the least judgmental person, and that I could careless what happened in his past.

So about an hr after that I’m with Sluttie McSlutterson and we’re having dinner and he decided to text me. So I told him what I was doing and didn’t really reply because I WAS. HAVING. DINNER! So this exchange is what transpired after that. Please read below.

If you don’t know what a double negative is please re-evaluate your life. If I don’t say so myself I was very nice to this guy. I could’ve been a bitch but I reeled it in. Well needless to say I blocked him!

That’s all for this segment of The World of Online Dating!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I really should give up on this shit, but I just have some much fun writing about it)

Mama Moon!!

As Lil’ Kim would say “I been gone for a minute now I’m back with the jump off…”. I know I know I’ve been so freaking inconsistent lately, but I wasn’t in the right mind set to write, and I’ll get to that reason next week. BUT!!! I thought today would be the best day for my return! “Why?” you ask. Because any chance I get to talk about my momma is a good day to start writing again! So this post is dedicated to Mama Moon.

First and foremost I want to say Happy Mother’s Day to the lady that carried me in her tum tum. There have been times where I’ve written about my mom but what you guys don’t know is what an incredibly strong woman she is! Without my mom all of us would be lost! This woman is the key to our survival! Once a year or so my mom has to go away for a couple days for work and when I tell you we don’t know what to do with ourselves it’s not a joke. My dad would literally just be home sad waiting for my mom to get back. It’s like this man doesn’t know how to be a functioning adult man without her.

For me, my mom is my best friend. She’s the one person I can confide in and I know that she would totally judge the shit out of me but still love me! Honestly I do do some judge worthy shit and I’m cool with it and 95% if the time she’s cool with it too. My mom is my therapist, my doctor, my window shopping buddy that inevitability turns into actual shopping because we can’t control ourselves, partner in crime (just know if you ever see me speeding through a yellow light, that it’s my mom next to me yelling “GO GO GO GO!”), food aficionado and my number 1 fan. You know what the best part about this is, she pays for everything and all I have to do is drive her around… just kidding ok not really she mostly does pay for everything😁. But here’s one thing I don’t tell her enough (I’m sure this goes out to a lot of us) but Mom you are my fucking super hero and I love you so much! Without you I wouldn’t be half the woman I am today. I’m incredibly lucky to have you as my mother and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I love you Mum from the Moon and Back,

Mimi ( your favorite child. Don’t worry that other one already knows)

P.S. I also want to thank everyone that has kept reading my blog while I’ve been gone. I really appreciate you. I also have another page solely dedicated to my latest hobby (photography). So if you want to check out my photos the page is called Moon View and here’s the link ( Moon View ).

The List Of Things That Happened To Me Since The Last Time!

Guys so many things happened to me these past two weeks. Oh, where shall I begin. You know what, I haven’t done a list in so long I think it is time. I shall call it The list of things that happened to me since the last time. I know that’s kinda long but also perf!

  1. Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling cause he’s drunk and alone… sorry I couldn’t help myself that song is forever in my head. Any way I got my nails done… I know that might not seem like a big deal and that’s because it’s not. I just decided to have a little me time and have a nice relaxing nail day where my nail tech (are they called nail techs or just like the lady that does my nails. I don’t really know the term.) decided that I didn’t need my cuties aka cuticles, and proceeded to zzzzz (that’s the sound the nail filing thing makes… clearly I did my research on this.) until I bled. Really it was as relaxing as it sounds, but my nails do look cute so I guess pain is beauty.
  2. I decided that I want to cut my hair because its super long (well for me any way because I usually keep my hair short) and I don’t want to deal with it. But then at the same time I don’t want to cut my hair because I want to see how long I’ll let it grow until I ultimately cut it. So I’m back at square one, nothing getting done… the usual.
  3. I got a new laptop! Which I am currently typing tonights post on which is why its probably going to be super long because I’m usually writing from the bathroom on my phone. It’s where all my best thinking happens. Just so you know I got a MacBook Air. I know moving on up!
  4. I saw Black Panther the weekend it came out and it was the most amazing thing I’ve seen in so long. In my opinion it is the best marvel movie! The storyline… Amazing! The Villian… HOT also Amazing! The fact that this movie not only showcased talented black people from the actors to the director, but the fact that the powerful black women were the driving force… was fucking MAGICAL! This movie was so good I watched it twice and I’m trying to go watch it again, so whoever wants to go let me know!
  5. This is a big one people! I got a new JOB! I know I’m so excited! For those of you that don’t know I’ve been on the job hunt and let me tell you it has not been easy. When I first started looking I told myself that I only wanted to apply for jobs that I would be passionate about. If some of you don’t know I’m currently going to school for Creative Writing. So logically I want to be a New York Times Bestselling Author, but apparently one needs to write and wait for it publish a book for that to happen. But never fear I’m in the process of writing a little something something, nah mean jelly bean. I do have a back up career and that is to work in publishing. Just so you know getting a job in publishing is incredibly hard… honestly getting a job in any field is hard. After a couple of months with no luck, I broaden my scope. I can learn more in whatever field I get into and when I finish my degree and can go back out there and try again. With that being said I start my new job, not in publishing but that’s ok, in two weeks! In the mean time I’ll just keep writing and go with the flow!
  6. Finally, I was asked a very important question last night! A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that two of my slutties got engaged. Well Frover, my most favorite sluttie of all, asked me to be her bridesmaid! AAAAHHHHH! I’m so excited!! She asked in the cutest way! She gave us (her bridesmaids) a wine glass with the question written on it! It was the most beautiful thing. I got teary eyed and everything! Just thinking about it now has my eyes watery! Please enjoy the picture below because I had about an hour-long photo shoot with my glass!

IMG_3476

Well this went on as long as I predicted… god I love this fucking MacBook… I really just like writing MacBook… and just think about it guys I could be writing the next New York Times Bestselling book right here on this MacBook!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (future Bridesmaid! and hopeful New York Times Bestselling Author!)

You Like Me, You Really Really Like Me!

So a couple of you crazy kids reached out and asked if I was coming back and that you missed me! Guys I feel sooo loved, but at the same time you’re kinda smothering me… jk jk.. that’s how I usually respond when I’m talking to a guy and he starts calling me babe and telling me he misses me after hanging out one time. It gets weird! But when it comes from one of you fabulous peeps I feel like I want to run away… less, so that’s good. Anywho, a lot of things have happened in the past month! Ok well not a lot… really just two things. But both things are equally interesting. So I’ve been trying to decide if I should do just one big post about it or if each one should get their own. I’ve decided on the latter, because honestly that’s the easiest option and I won’t have to think of what to write next week.

So the last post left off about a week before Christmas. Oh Christmas what a magical time and a time where money just flies out of your bank accounts. Back to the story. Every year my friends and I have a Christmas party where we exchange our secret Santa gifts, play beer pong and just have a jolly ole time. This year was even more special than previous years.

This year… wait for it…. we got to witness a proposal!!! How f🌙cking magical is that sh🌙t!!! Two of my slutties, Frover and Frenemy, are freaking engaged! These two are the first in our group of friends to get to this stage in their lives. It was pretty amazing to be a part of such a special moment! These two have been together for so long through ups and downs, and now they are taking this next step and I can’t be happier for them! I’m not gonna lie Frenemy might have made my eyes leak a little bit with his speech.

If either of you a reading this I just want you both to know that I’m so incredibly happy for you, and I wish you guys the happiest forever. You both deserve it! Love you guys!!

Well that’s enough of the mushy crap.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( I just want everyone to know that I’m probably the best photographer ever bwuahahaha. P.S. that little reindeer in the back is a scary mofo.)

Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming!!

So there are moments in my life when extreme boredom takes over and I decide to do random things. In this case I decided to jump back into the online dating pool ( you get the reason for the title… aren’t I hilarious and also very Punny). Oooohhh it has been a special one. This time around it’s like my profile has been sending all types of vibes and I’ve been getting an interesting mix of guys contacting me. 

I’ve been back in the “scene” for about 3 weeks and I’ve been proposed to several times already. It’s all great and dandy and extremely flattering but when asked if I would poop on you right after said marriage proposal… it doesn’t seem quiet as flattering anymore. It’s like this guy was just swiping left until he saw my picture and was like YUP!!! This girl looks like a sh🌙tter!! The funniest part about it is that this guy isn’t the only one asking me to take dumps on him, but at least he did propose before hand so there’s that.

One guy just straight out asked me if I took big dumps. Of course I responded with “YEAH!! I take HUGE sh🌙ts!!!” Then he asked if I would sh🌙t on him and I said “would you like soft served or hard”… I know I know I even disgusted myself with that response so much that I just blocked him without seeing his response, and honestly I’m a little disappointed in myself that I couldn’t last longer with that convo. Just imagine the ammo I would’ve had. Let’s move on.

In the middle of all this poop talk there were some decent guys. One guy is actually from my town let’s call him the Town Traitor or T2 for short. After T2 and I figured out that not only do we live in the same town but we actually live in the same vicinity. It was pretty crazy. This is the first time I’ve ever met someone on these dating sites that are from my town that I don’t know. Because of that reason I asked if he just moved to our town or if he grew up here, and funnily enough he grew up here!!! This guy even knows one of my cousins!!! In all honesty knowing one of my cousins isn’t really a stretch, because I’m pretty sure the majority population of my town are related to me in some capacity. Yes, my family really likes to procreate. Any who I ended up finding out the reason I didn’t know this guys was because he went to school in my towns rival town schools!!! I know what a traitor!!! Hence the name. So now it made sense why I never knew this kid before hand.

Something funny happened the other day revolving around T2. When we first started messaging each other we were talking everyday. One day neither of us started a conversation so I decided to be a creep and go on this guys Instagram account and see who else he might know that I would know. Well on my journey of exploration I found out that he doesn’t post many pictures, also I found out we have another friend in common. This other friend went to high school with him, but I met the other friend when I went away to school in Connecticut. I know!!! CRAZY SH🌙T!! Any who so while I was creeping on this guys 5 pictures, I went to the likes to see the people who’ve liked his pictures… and because of my fat f🌙cking thumb and the fact that I believe Instagram did this on purpose and put the number of likes directly under that f🌙cking heart sh🌙t, I ended up liking one of his pictures. And NO!!! It wasn’t a recent picture, then I wouldn’t have felt like such a creep. Mind you his most recent pic is from like April (so either way it would’ve been creepy). I liked a picture that was from f🌙cking 2013 or some sh🌙t!!! I KNOW!!!! GASP!!!! THE HORROR!!!! 

So after this happened I went to the dating app and proceeded to delete our messages because I already knew the outcome of this! I looked like a stalker liking a picture from the f🌙cking ice ages. Beat’em to the punch and all that good shit. BUT!!! Luckily enough he either didn’t see what I did(obvi he saw it I just wanted to make myself feel better) or he found it flattering in a not stalker way (spoiler alert: extremely stalker way I should probably stop talking to him… what does this say about him… why is he still talking to me) that I would go through is pics and like one of them. Whatever the case is he and I are still messaging each other so I guess he might be the one because he can deal with my crazy or he just might be equally as crazy but much stealthier than I am hence why he didn’t like any of my pictures even though he probably goes through my page everyday thinking “gosh I’m so lucky to have met this amazingly awesome unicorn like being”.

Well that’s all I have for today… I know what your thinking this one was long as f🌙ck! 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I’m sorry I made you read so much I’ll never let this happen again!)

The World of Online Dating… round 3!

Tonight is the night is the night is the night!!!(I had a song in my head that sounded disco-y and it said tonight is the night repeatedly… but then I couldn’t remember what came after that so I just tried to google it and I can’t find it… I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this song up, but if I did…I would’ve went triple platinum. THAT is how good it sounded. Anywho back to the reason for the song) GAME OF THRONES IS BACK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I’m so excited!!! Well now that I got that out of my system on to why we are here.

Online dating is a messy, messy, dirty, nasty, horn dog, sluttie cesspool of the not likely going to find “true love” but other not so good things World. So I’ve decided to give those who are brave enough to test those mucky waters some pointers, and of course it shall be in LIST FORM!! (When I said lost form in my head I imagine the words list and form in a muscular bubble version of themselves wearing a cap like a super hero and echoing form, form, form until it faded out… ooo how I crack myself up)

The World of Online Dating… round 3 !

1. Download all those free apps and have yourself a good ole time because FREE is your best friend! 

2. When writing your about me section. Don’t write anything about yourself. What’s the point of getting to know someone of they can read everything about you already. I suggest writing something funny or your favorite quote from a movie. That way when you do get a message from someone you actually have something to talk about. (on one of my many profiles I wrote something along the lines of finding sloths extremely relatable… is it the best quality to put out there NO, but at least they know what they’re getting themselves into). 

3. If you’re going to be the first to initiate contact with… the OTHERS (dun dun duuuuuuun)… start off with something funny. Making people laugh is always a good way to soften them up and TAKE EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER LOVED FROM THEM!! Just kidding don’t take anything from anyone without asking permission… HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!. All joking aside it’s a great ice breaker, and by some crazy chance that person doesn’t respond to you or doesn’t understand your level of funny… tell them GO F🌙CK YOURSELF NOW YOU’LL NEVER KNOW ALL OF DISSSSSS (pointing at yourself.. it doesn’t matter if they can’t see). Or you can just quietly delete them from your life because they weren’t good enough for you anyway.
4. This one is for the guys… don’t be a d🍆ck. When I say d🍆ck I mean don’t send a d🍆ck pick NOBODY wants to see that, and I also mean don’t be a jerk or crude. It’s like that old saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Also ladies don’t be an 🍑hole either… unless the other person starts it then be my guest.
5. Be straightforward tell the person(s) that you’re talking to what you’re looking for. If it’s only for the chitty chitty bang bang, that’s fine just make sure you clearly state that. That also goes for those out there that are looking to get married tomorrow.
6. Finally just have fun…go with the flow you might not meet the love of your life but you’ll learn how to think on your feet and have good come backs for all those pervs out there that are like “so wanna suck my dick”… you can be like ” ooo don’t you need to have one for that to happen” you know something along those lines.
Well there you have it, go do you playa pimp!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (this post should’ve probably been the first one of this series… oooo well to late for that!)

Puppy-Love and Stalkerish Tendencies.

I’m back and creepier than ever. When I say creepier I mean it in the most wonderful way it can possibly sound. You know what Ixnay on the creepier-ay… I could possibly be the next CIA/FBI/Secret Agent/Detective/007, honestly any of those would work that’s how good my (I don’t want to say stalking but if the shoe fits) investigative skills are. I shall give thee a little story on the person you are about to learn about. 

Once upon a time there was a pre-teen (or maybe even teen-teen) and she went by the name of… umm let’s just say she went by the name of… you know what her name was Emily and it was me. Any who this pre-teen/teen-teen met a boy through her neighbor and bestie at the time…we are no longer neighbors nor are we really friends anymore you know how that goes, you get older one of you becomes a little, how you say, sluttie when we were slightly (way) too young for it, so the other one (me) kind of just gradually cuts the sluttie one out of her life. I know I know it was a real sh🌙tty thing to do but I was fucking 14 or some sh🌙t and I didn’t know how to handle it so shut your face and listen to the rest of the story! (We’re still friends in Facebook if that counts)So Emily was introduced to this boy named Garry… his name was Garry with two R’s. So Emily and Garry become really good friends and the best part about this friendship was that his younger cousin lived up the block from her house. They got to hang out all the time and of course Emily fell into puppy love with Garry (with two R’s). This “love” was so serious that practically everyone on the block knew of Emily’s feelings for Garry. As the days went by the kids on the block would play football, tag, manhunt and just hang out on the steps. All of a sudden Garry tells Emily that his family is moving to California. Emily’s little teenager heart was broken she didn’t know how to deal. She had never told Garry that she liked him liked him, so she simply told him that she’d miss him and to keep in touch. 

A year or so passes and Emily is no longer friends with the neighbor that had once been her bestie. Emily is now a freshman (I think) in high school and has somewhat forgotten about her puppy love and is crushing on other boys from her school and some not from her school. One day she had gotten home from I think it was softball practice and she was just hanging out in front of her house eating string cheese, when a boy that looked oddly familiar was walking up the block. Emily just stared at this boy trying to figure out who he was. Meanwhile the boy was also looking at Emily as well. With their eyes locked he continued his trek up the block.

This story is getting really long so what I’m saying is, that boy she saw was Garry and he’d moved back to Jersey and apparently had been back for a while. So Garry and Emily started to hang out again but then his family moved again and I haven’t seen him since. This is where my investigative skills come into play.

While I was awake in the middle of the night (a couple of days ago) when I should’ve been sleeping… something reminded me of Garry (it could’ve been the fact that I was watching SpongeBob and Gary the snail ( 🐌) slithered around the pineapple). The next thing I know I’m googling Garry (with two R’s) lo and behold there he was my Garry just 12 years older and still looking a little like J-Boog from B2K (if you don’t know who B2K is… you may leave right NOW!! j/k you can stay just google them so you get the picture). What I found was not something I liked.

Apparently Garry has a family. He has two kids and a girlfriend and lives somewhere that is not New Jersey. So the moral of this story is… don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to I know that your gonna have it your way or nothing at all but I think your moving to fast… LISTEN TO MEEEE (sorry I couldn’t help myself and by the way that was waterfalls by TLC if you didn’t know). Anyway moral of the story is you should probably go to sleep at a decent time so you don’t Instagram stalk the kid you were in love with when you were just a wee little lass. You won’t like what you find even though you should be over him because honestly Emily it’s been 12 years since you last saw him what the f🌙ck did you expect.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (once upon a time Mrs. Garry with two R’s)

P.S. Happy Early Independence Day/ 4th of July!!!

Wedding Bells are Ringing…They’re Not Mine.

“Hello, is it me you’re looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile.” Do you ever feel like busting out into some Lionel Richie! No? Just me? Well, that got awkward. Anyyyyyy who, I’m baaaaaaaack and I had so many stories to tell you, but I’ve been slacking and not writing my stories down in my notes, and as you know I have horrible memory. But trust me they were going to be epic and hilarious and all the magical things you could imagine. Never fear though because I do have a little story to tell you about a girl and a wedding.

Once upon a time there was a girl (let’s call her Emily) and she went to a wedding (let’s say it was yesterday). Emily danced all night, drank about the same amount as she danced (she also didn’t get drunk if you were wondering… I know I am just as surprised as you!). She basically had the best time ever with her friends! After this magical night where one of her close friends married the love of her life. 

I’m telling you their love story is straight out of a fairytale. It’s one of the most beautiful things to witness from the beginning to their happily ever after. It’s stories like theirs that make you believe in true love and soulmates.

Ok ok back to the story. After this magical wedding Emily started thinking of her own future wedding. Emily always thought that she would just do a quick Vegas thing and just save the money for the most awesomeballz honeymoon ever! But now she finds herself thinking about who she would chose to be her bridesmaids, and that she might actually have her brother as man of honor and cousin as bridesman. She’s also thinking about the color scheme and venue and that she would like a beach, garden or vineyard venue. She might also have a Pinterest board full of wedding related things. Also she’s already decided on the song for her first dance with her future husband. ( La vie en rose by Edith Piaf)So moral of the story is I might actually want a wedding and all that jazz…and I can thank the newlyweds for that.

Ta ta for now! 
Love Ya From The Moon and Back,

Emily ( first things first I need to find me some husband material candidates… I must go now)

Birthday Shenanigans!

Soooooo my inner sloth took over yesterday and decided not to do anything productive, basically I was super lazy and laid in bed all day and caught up on some show… it was magical! Anywho because I was away in New Orleans a couple weeks ago everything is out of order in my life. Last week I had to tell you all about my adventures in such a beautiful city, but I also wanted to write about my birthday shenanigans and there was a huge battle in my head for who shall win aaaaaaand if you read last week New Orleans won. BUT TODAY IS THE DAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA! For those that don’t know I celebrated my 6th anniversary of turning 21 years of age a little over a week ago. ‘Twas a weekend spent in the city ( for those who don’t know what city I’m referring to… I be talking about The Big Apple, NYC… In New Yoooooork concrete jungle where dreams are made of. Wow thank you Alicia Keys that was beautiful)

My Birthday weekend extravaganza started out very tamed. On Friday the day of my birth I was with my family. We put some yum yums in my tum tums, then came back home stayed up talking shit and reminiscing. We laughed we cried we laughed some more it was a great night.

Saturday day night is were sh🌙t got cray cray. Me, my brother and a couple of my friends went to the Strip Club!! It was a night to remember. I got some titties in my face. Let me tell you these ladies have the smoothest skin I’ve ever felt in my life! Also I learned that I’m horrible at the whole strip club thing. I did nothing like what I’ve seen on TV. I was gently placing dollars on the floor and when one of the ladies came closer a told me to slap her ass, I gently tapped it… even she was like “girl!! Slap my ass!!” And proceeded to grab my wrist and made me slap her bum. I was even worried that I would give the girls a paper cut…It was hilarious. One of the ladies gave me the biggest compliment of my entire life… the following is how the conversation went (well from what I can remember): 

Exotic Dancer: hi the most awesome person I’ve ever seen in my life I heard it was your birthday…come here (pulls my head to her breasts and shimmies)

Me: (blushing profusely thoughout the night) *giggling* yea it is…thanks. (Gently placed dollar in her g-string) 

Lady that Dances on poles: do you have some Asian in your family. ( crawls on floor)

Me: *gasp* yes I do… can you really tell?

Woman whom shakes her Tatas: yes you look a little Hawaiian! (Pulls g-string open for some mula)

Me: (gently places money in said pulled g-string) Oh my gosh stop it… you’re making me blush!

Lovely lady in nothing but a g-string: really… you look like Moana!!!

Me: OMG I LOVE YOU!!! I’ve always wanted to be a part of Disney!!! (Turns to Frenemy) she said I look like Moana!!! MOANA!! I love her!! How did she know just what to say to me!! (Gave the rest of the money in my hand to the nice lady)

And that was the highlight of the night for me.

 Also, my brother did a T-Pain and went and fell in love with a stripper… so now I might have a future Stripper In-Law. 

Well that’s all for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( or should I say Moana)

The World of Online Dating… Round 2!

Aaaaaaand welcome back to round two of the disaster that is my life… I mean my “love” life (every time quotation marks are used please know that you must read it the way Dr. Evil would… and if you don’t know whom Sir Dr. Evil is… please don’t take offense to this but… LEAVE, GET OUT RIGHT NOW IT’S THE END OF YOU AND ME!! (Thank you JoJo for that beautiful song). Well I guess you can’t really call it a “love” life if I’m only talking to guys online. So I shall call this my attempt at a possible real world dating life. Yea that sounds much more realistic. This past week I’ve been talking… well more like typing… to three guys (scandalous… I know). 

1. Guy number one… let’s call him Peanut Butter and Jelly. Things started out pretty normal… and that’s odd for me, buuuuuut I went with. Through this normal conversation I found out that PB&J has a cat. I know a CAT!! For those that don’t know, I am NOT a “cat person”. I love all animals but cats just… I don’t like them! They’re assholes and I feel like they always have an attitude and are on the verge of scratching your face off. Sooooo needless to say my future baby daddy… I mean significant other… can NOT have a cat it’s a no go for me. You might be thinking this is where it ends for PB&J, so sorry you shall be wrong. PB&J’s saving grace was that he also has a ferret!!! A freaking ferret! So I was very excited about the turn of events because I’ve always wanted to meet a ferret! After I let PB&J know that his ferret helped him dodge a bullet shot by his cat our conversation headed into much more “Emily-esque” territory. It was great we started talking about quotes that we would want to put on our grave stones… super funny stuff.

2. Hombre numero dos… lets call him Jekyll and Hyde. This conversation was… I want to say was biographical. He just wanted to know my whole life story. Which I feel is super boring. I like to talk about random things that make me think of funny comebacks, but every time I tried something funny he would totally shut it down and ask me some boring question like… “what are your long term goals?”. Honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow… I have no clue what my long term goal is… idk maybe not be broke would be great! All of a sudden he asked me if I had any more pictures. Ooooo you don’t even understand how excited I got. I was like yea I have a lot of pictures… and then J&H was like send me some. So I proceeded to do just that. Below are the pictures I sent Mr. Jekyll and Hyde.

They are amazing I know!!! I had so much fun, buuuuut he was not as amused as I. After that third picture he was like “what’s with all the body parts?”… and I was like “you don’t like them”. I think he was trying to make sure I wasn’t catfishing him or something. But what Mr. Jekyll and Hyde doesn’t understand is that I am waaaaaaay to lazy and also not an asshole to Catfish anyone. Yes, I might be mean on occasion but not that mean. If you’re wondering I still haven’t heard from J&H since that last message.

Finally, Homme nombre trois ( this is suppose to be French… but I’m not exactly sure if it’s correct I google translated it) lets call him Juniper Berry ( I just googled this it’s a real thing). So with JuJu Bee it felt like one of those ice-breaker conversation you would have on the first day of class where you say your name, where you’re from and your major. Yea so basically it was super entertaining (I literally side eyed while typing that) and the conversation hasn’t gone anywhere from there. 
Well there you have it folks… that’s the end of round two.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I think I’m going to be a “dog-lady” when I grow up.)