Puppy-Love and Stalkerish Tendencies.

I’m back and creepier than ever. When I say creepier I mean it in the most wonderful way it can possibly sound. You know what Ixnay on the creepier-ay… I could possibly be the next CIA/FBI/Secret Agent/Detective/007, honestly any of those would work that’s how good my (I don’t want to say stalking but if the shoe fits) investigative skills are. I shall give thee a little story on the person you are about to learn about. 

Once upon a time there was a pre-teen (or maybe even teen-teen) and she went by the name of… umm let’s just say she went by the name of… you know what her name was Emily and it was me. Any who this pre-teen/teen-teen met a boy through her neighbor and bestie at the time…we are no longer neighbors nor are we really friends anymore you know how that goes, you get older one of you becomes a little, how you say, sluttie when we were slightly (way) too young for it, so the other one (me) kind of just gradually cuts the sluttie one out of her life. I know I know it was a real sh🌙tty thing to do but I was fucking 14 or some sh🌙t and I didn’t know how to handle it so shut your face and listen to the rest of the story! (We’re still friends in Facebook if that counts)So Emily was introduced to this boy named Garry… his name was Garry with two R’s. So Emily and Garry become really good friends and the best part about this friendship was that his younger cousin lived up the block from her house. They got to hang out all the time and of course Emily fell into puppy love with Garry (with two R’s). This “love” was so serious that practically everyone on the block knew of Emily’s feelings for Garry. As the days went by the kids on the block would play football, tag, manhunt and just hang out on the steps. All of a sudden Garry tells Emily that his family is moving to California. Emily’s little teenager heart was broken she didn’t know how to deal. She had never told Garry that she liked him liked him, so she simply told him that she’d miss him and to keep in touch. 

A year or so passes and Emily is no longer friends with the neighbor that had once been her bestie. Emily is now a freshman (I think) in high school and has somewhat forgotten about her puppy love and is crushing on other boys from her school and some not from her school. One day she had gotten home from I think it was softball practice and she was just hanging out in front of her house eating string cheese, when a boy that looked oddly familiar was walking up the block. Emily just stared at this boy trying to figure out who he was. Meanwhile the boy was also looking at Emily as well. With their eyes locked he continued his trek up the block.

This story is getting really long so what I’m saying is, that boy she saw was Garry and he’d moved back to Jersey and apparently had been back for a while. So Garry and Emily started to hang out again but then his family moved again and I haven’t seen him since. This is where my investigative skills come into play.

While I was awake in the middle of the night (a couple of days ago) when I should’ve been sleeping… something reminded me of Garry (it could’ve been the fact that I was watching SpongeBob and Gary the snail ( 🐌) slithered around the pineapple). The next thing I know I’m googling Garry (with two R’s) lo and behold there he was my Garry just 12 years older and still looking a little like J-Boog from B2K (if you don’t know who B2K is… you may leave right NOW!! j/k you can stay just google them so you get the picture). What I found was not something I liked.

Apparently Garry has a family. He has two kids and a girlfriend and lives somewhere that is not New Jersey. So the moral of this story is… don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to I know that your gonna have it your way or nothing at all but I think your moving to fast… LISTEN TO MEEEE (sorry I couldn’t help myself and by the way that was waterfalls by TLC if you didn’t know). Anyway moral of the story is you should probably go to sleep at a decent time so you don’t Instagram stalk the kid you were in love with when you were just a wee little lass. You won’t like what you find even though you should be over him because honestly Emily it’s been 12 years since you last saw him what the f🌙ck did you expect.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (once upon a time Mrs. Garry with two R’s)

P.S. Happy Early Independence Day/ 4th of July!!!

Vino Viernes/Adele Day!!

It’s Adele’s album release day, and I might be way to inebriated to make anytype of sense tonight because I will be drinking my feelings. So I’ve decided to write to you this lovely morning and let you know what my Friday night/ Saturday morning will be looking like. Well before I get to the drinking part of my night I will be going to go see ALADDIN ON BROADWAY!!!! I’m so freaking excited I’ve been wanting to see this musical since it opened on Broadway! Aaaaaahhhhhh I can’t contain all this excitement! Not only am I going to see freaking Aladdin on Broadway Adeles album 25 comes out today to… I don’t know what to do with myself!!!! If I wasn’t sitting in my car typing this I would be doing a Chinese fire drill… For those who don’t know what this is, its when the car you are in stops at a red light and everyone gets out and runs around the car and then gets back in to their seats; it’s super fun people in the other cars just look at you like your on crack. So yeah that’s just a snippet of my excitement level.

As for Saturday I’ll be nursing a hangover while watching the Hunger Games Mocking Jay Part 2!!! It’s such an eventful weekend!!

Well I gotta go to work now bye.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( ADELE!!!!)

HELLO NEW HAIR!!!

So I totally dyed my hair again, the blonde was boring me. My new color was supposed to be a blackish/purplish mix. Because of my blonde hair though, I’ve created a masterpiece!!! It’s more of a grayish/purple…I’m completely in love with this color. It looks so cool and totally different than anything I’ve ever done to my hair. I feel like I finally got a winner. I’ve met my hair color soulmate! Here’s a picture for everyone to see.imageIt might not be as noticeable in picture form, but it’s freaking bad ass in real life!!! I’m so excited about my hair that I just want to look at my hair all day in the mirror and tell my hair how beautiful it is and how much I love you, and that you are my one true love.

On to other news, I love you hair Sooo much!! Sorry I had to… Okay forrealz this time, I had a pretty good weekend… Well besides seeing my once upon a time love of my life and my mother saying such horrid things like asking about his so called “wife”. Ugh, As If!!! They’re not married, well I hope they’re not…okay I really don’t mean that (I kinda do, but I kinda don’t) I want them to be happy or whatever, but just not near me so I don’t have to like see it ever!!! OOOO and I thought my mother was on my side… How dare she call her his “wife” in front of me!!! I would disown her, but I can’t cuz you know I live in her house, so that would be kind of rude of me.

On a much much much much much much happier note, I saw MAGIC MIKE XXL… And holy shit that was, I don’t even have words to explain the MAN-liciousness that occurred on that screen. I bow down to those that decided to make a movie about male entertainers… Because GAWD DAMN!!! It was amazing. Magic Mike XXL, you turned my almost shitty weekend right around and ended it on a AWESOMEBALLZ NOTE. I was so flustered after this movie that me and alcohol are back in good terms… Because you know I needed a drink or two after that! Whew! I gots my self all hot and bothered just reminiscing… I gotta go!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I finally have the purple hair I’ve been dreaming about!!)

Vino Viernes!!!

Hey hey hey!!! Its’ Friday, and I’m super sorry that this is going up so late. But, you know what Friday means!!!! VINO!!! Well in this case BEER!!! I totally forgot to pick up some wine yesterday and the only wine left in my house was that nastiness I had last week and I was not going to put my self through that again. So I’m drinking some Cerveza instead…that’s the fastest alcoholic beverage to find in my fridge. The beer I’m drinking which everyone should get on, is Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy!!! THIS IS HANDS DOWN MY FAVORITE BEER!!! I especially love it because Papa Moon hates it… which you know, means he won’t be drinking my BEER!!! Or so I thought I got home today and there was only 1 left, because home boy drank all my shit.

Down to what I really wanted to talk to you guys about. MUSIC!! So in memory of B.B. KING all I listened to today was blues and jazz music. At first I didn’t realize I knew any blues artist until my coworker started pointing out all my favorite old school singers; like Edith Piaf , Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, and Billie Holiday… I felt like the biggest douch… I didn’t even realize they were blues artist. After listening to blues all day it got me thinking that the music we listen to today is freaking terrible!!! Music back in the day had substance… it had meaning behind it…there was actual LYRICS!! Yes people Lyrics… I know unheard of right. Listening to actual music makes you think…what the heck are we listening to. The songs now a days are all about booties, drugs, and sex. Yes I know songs from back in the day spoke about the same things, but they were classier and smoother with it.

A couple of weeks ago I was with Indigo and Royal Blue and we were listening to 90s rap and older songs. Then Whitney Houston’s song “Wanna Dance with Somebody” came up… and I love this song!!! Like when I hear this song I. wanna. Dance. You know because Whitney said. Any way Indigo brought up Jeremiahs song about him wanting to drink with somebody, and take shots with somebody, and then he wants to go home with somebody. I was like damn man!! You just messed up an amazing Whitney Houston song.

Any way so we were talking about that and it got me thinking, its true music today is shit, it has no meaning… if you have a catchy beat and a phrase that means absolutely nothing that people like you’ve struck gold… because apparently we’re all stupid (yes I include myself as well because honestly man…stupid) because they don’t make any sense. Now we have people becoming rich and famous off of this stupidity. When you think about the music even from the 90s it might have started to lean towards the nonsense we listen to now, but we still had artist like Lauryn Hill and Boyz II Men, who had something meaningful to say and it was poetic.

It’s just pretty disappointing to think that this music we listen to is what might identify our generation. There aren’t many artists out today that give me goose bumps, like when I listen to the music my mum listened to. And it’s just sad. There’s only a handful of artist today that give me that feeling; like Justin Timberlake (any thing he does I will always listen to he is the exception because I love him) Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, Jessie J, Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Colbie Calliet,, Jason Mraz and I think that’s it. For a person that loves music as much as I do, my list should still be rolling out. I don’t know, maybe I should branch out and listen to different genres. What evs I’m just talking shit. It’s been swell!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Music Enthusiast)

 

I won the Lotto… Or I thought I did!

Soooo today I’ve decided to tell you the time I thought I won the lotto! A couple of weeks ago I had this crazy dream that I won the Cash 4 Life (when you win $1,000 a day for the rest of your life…pretty freaking sweet!!). I know I was freaking jumping off, I mean literally jumping off the walls. I was practically levitating, that probably should have clued me in that I was dreaming, but my dream felt so realistic. You know what else should have helped me realize that I was dreaming; was the fact that after I looked at the numbers on my lotto ticket and realized I won, my bank account balance became rather large extremely quick (which of course I wasn’t complaining). I’m pretty sure though that that’s not how it works. Like I don’t think the NJ Lotto Department (whatever the heck they’re called) has your bank info and just direct deposits the money to your account…or does it, because I’ve never won so I probably shouldn’t be talking all this caca.

In my dream I was feeling extremely generous. I paid off all my parents bills, they’re house, they’re cars, I paid off all of they’re debt and I sent them on some extravagant vacation. Another reason I should have known this was a dream…not that I wouldn’t do all that for them because I would in a heart beat if I had the money, but I know that Daddy Moon wouldn’t be caught dead on an air plane. If he can’t drive there he ain’t going (his words not mine). As I was saying I was feeling so generous that after I paid off all of my bills and all that school loan debt…(Dear Sallie Mae, I hate your sinking guts, you make me vomit, you’re the scuuuum between my toes. Love (Hate you) Emily… I freaking love The Little Rascals). What the heck was I saying again…ooo right so after I paid off all my stuff I decided I would pay off my brothers’ debt and pay for my cousins tuition. I know what your thinking… Gosh Darn it even in this wonderful womans dream state she is still the kindest, most generous, most AWESOME soul you’ll ever meet in your freaking life. I wish I could meet her, she sounds amazeballz. The next morning when I woke up, Ladies tell’em I woke up like this…I woke up like this…FLAWLESS (thank you Queen B…Beyonce for those of you that don’t know…and you should be ashamed if you didn’t know who I was talking about… shame shame shame), sorry you should know by now I can’t help breaking out into song and movie quotes
(it’s the tiny Performer I keep in my pocket that just needs to be let free). So when I woke up I was so freaking excited I went straight from my phone, you’d think I’d check my bank account…NOPE, I checked Instagram first… I’m telling you Instagram is a drug, and I’m a freaking addict!

Any who after I checked Instagram, and realized at 6:30 in the morning people are usually still sleeping and no ones really Instagraming (should there be two M’s..Instagramming?), I checked my bank account super excited to find all this dough…TO HAVE MY DREAM SHATTERED… I was just as broke as I was when I first went to sleep. What a freaking horrible way to start off your day, am I right? And on top of everything else it was Monday and that on itself is a suckfest. After I convinced myself not to throw my phone across the room (because obviously it wasn’t the phones fault that my bank account didn’t know that the dream should have been real…I’m totes not over it if you couldn’t tell), so I talked my self off the ledge, and started wondering what I would really do if I won the Lotto. I hope that I can be just as good a person as my dream self was. I know I would definitely do anything and everything I can for my parents, but I hope I can somehow help other people in need, that would be an amazing feeling. Well thanks for getting through this re-telling of my dream… your lucky, my dream used to be much more detailed when I was younger. I would’ve had you here for days.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Still broke as hell…but loving my life)

PS. What would you do if you won the Lotto? (ponder that, shall we)

Waaaaay Back Wednesday!!!

“On Wednesdays, we wear pink”. You might be wondering why I quoted Mean Girls, and my reasons are:

  1. Because I felt like it
  2. Why not
  3. Whenever you can quote a movie, especially Mean Girls, you go on and quote that movie till you little nugget heart desires.
  4. Mean Girls is the Bomb Dot Com and one should live by it
  5. Because I did my favorite thing ever… I took another one of those Facebook/Buzzfeed quiz I love oh so much.

The name of the quiz is…drum roll please… I said…drum roll please…Damn it Tony pay attention (*throws chair at Tony*)!! Sorry I just had a Whiplash moment… if you haven’t seen Whiplash yet, IT’S. A. MUST. , That movie is amazing. As I was saying the name of the quiz is… tatatatatatata (thank you Tony that was beautiful) Which One Of The Plastics Are You? I got freaking Cady Heron! IMG_0427Honestly who wants to be Cady…besides the whole living in South Africa, which sounds pretty cool, she’s too nice…BORING! I wanted to be Regina George. She is freaking amazing…she’s such a bitch and I love it . I think its HIGHlarious, aaaand I’m also slightly obsessed with Rachel McAdams. Although, I do like Fetch (even if Regina kept shutting it down… “Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen.”) I can TOTES make Fetch happen.

Keeping in the spirit of High School I did a little reminiscing and a small amount of threatening bodily harm with my friends yesterday through group text. While I was at work there was a customer and her kids names were Emily and Fable (that’s not the boys real name by the way). Any who, in high school I had the biggest crush on a guy named “Fable”, he’s my brothers friends brother, and okay it was more than a crush it t’was LOVE…the truest love of them all…hehehehe (I laugh through my pain). So I decided to text my friends to tell them what I always knew was true…that we were meant to be… I just wasn’t sure if it was in a happily married with like 9 kids situation or if we were just meant to be siblings …so I’m kinda pissed at you FATE!!! How could you break my heart more than it already is? If you’re wondering why I shan’t be with the former (okay maybe I’m not totally over it…I’m holding out till he gets married…because I’m not a home wrecker, well I hope I’m not, I’ve never been in that situation) any way, the former love of my life is currently in a relationship; with some Whore…okay she’s probably not a whore I don’t even know this girl, she’s probably one of the nicest people ever, but I don’t care!!! It’s the principle that matters okay…sheesh! She’s a thief, even though he was never technically mine… blah blah blah, whatevs! I think I reminisced too much and the teenager inside has emerged. On that note, I’m out this bitch.

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily ( the 15 year old inside me is crying…holy crapola it’s been 10 years I needs to get over this ish)

P.S. I want to say Happy Birthday to Ditzy Doodle, one of my slutties, Love you Slore ( slut whore for those that don’t know what that means).

Just a Day…Just an Ordinary Day

OOO Vanessa Carlton…kinda sorta love her. Last night I was watching Miss Congeniality (The first one though I’m not a big fan of the second), and it reminded me of the time when my Aunt (I called her Titz because it basically just shortened Titi…well not really same amount of letters… weeeell it was fun screaming it through stores) any who back to what I was saying… Titz and my mum (must be said with British accent) used to say my uncle (their brother..let’s call him Tio Platypus) was Miss Congeniality. I never understood why they would call him that because he was, well I don’t want to call him an asshole but if the shoe fits…okay no I joke it was just difficult to get along with him. He was nothing like Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey. So you understand why my 10-year-old mind was very confusedies. One day I asked my aunt why they called Tio Miss Congeniality when he was a meany (just remember this movie came out in 2000 I was a youngin…I wasn’t allowed to curse back then, well in front of grow-ups anyway). My aunt replied with a laugh and said “Mimi it’s because he’s an asshole.” I must have looked like I was trying to solve some algebraic crap (like I wrote before that’s not my cup of tea) because she decided to finally tell me she was being sarcastic. I said OOOO I get it, laughed and walked away (I had no clue what that meant either so I looked up the definition…bwuhahahaha). The moral of this story people is that that’s when my sarcasm and an evil genius was born…and thank goodness for that it’s much more fun to say mean things when it’s laced in sarcasm (you know not that I would ever say such mean things or anything, that’s all Delilah).

BASEBALL IS BAAAAAACK!!! I’ve lived and loved baseball for as long as I can remember. Although, when I was younger I used to get dragged to Snot Rockets, aka my brothers, games All. The. Time. Of course I hated going because I couldn’t play I could only watch, but that is where I met some of my closest friends, so It wasn’t all that bad (I’m sure our parents would say differently though). The running joke in my house was that I would come back dirtier than my brother and he’s the one that was supposed to be sliding around in dirt and grass (I did tell you that I was a demon child…I’m reformed now… I was a member of DCA…Demon Child Anonymous). Any way what I was trying to say is that right around that time when my homies and I used to sneak through broken gates at the little league to get to the park in the back (we were all under the age of 10 just so you know, hehehe good times) I fell IN LOVE with DEREK JETER (Derek Jeter, Baseball they’re basically the same thing)!!! He’s still and will always be the love of my life, but sadly I don’t think baseball is anymore. How am I supposed to watch the Yankees play without him, I honestly only used to watch the games for my husband (YES HE’S MY HUSBAND…SO BACK OFF!!!). Well I guess we’ll have to see what happens this season.

Before I bid you adieu there’s something that I’ve been wondering. Why isn’t there a gesture other than the middle finger to show the proper amount of anger, sorry Rufus and Mindy (those are my middle fingers names) you guys just aren’t given me what I need to express myself anymore. Like when a freaking cheese dick decides to cut you off in the middle of the freaking TURNPIKE and slow down instead of speeding up like a normal freaking human being… the middle finger just doesn’t cut it… I almost got out of my car and jabbed that MOFO in the throat. Well today was fun…until next time.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( aka Mrs. Emily-Ann Jeter)

 

Damn you Nutella!!!

All day…all night… all day…all night, for those that don’t know that is part of a song… I would totes tell you which one but I have no clue who sings this or what the name of the song is. I guess this is where I should let you know that I randomly break out into song lyrics…so get used to it. As I was attempting to say before the music spoke to me, All day I’ve been thinking “holy craptastic pants what the shitake mushrooms am I going to write about…after all, I did talk all that caca (apparently I have an obsession with all things having to do with number 2…aaand I love Derek Jeter who has everything to do with the number) about the many things I wanted to talk about. And. I. Can’t. Think. Of. One thing!!!” So I just went on with my day and figured something would come to me and VOILA I would have the best topic to talk about…. As a wise woman once said…UGH AS IF (oh Cher you are my Idol)…I had NOTHING! Don’t you worry though for I did not give up hope. While I was in the middle of my third encore (thank you, thank you, your far to kind)…I looked out my passenger side window and saw some dude digging for gold. Obviously the first thing that came to my mind was…how many people did I just give the most amazing, incredible, life changing concert (full of Disney classics) to and how can I get my money!! And then it hit me… I know what todays (today meaning yesterday since I’m the biggest procrastinator ever) blog should be about…. drum roll please…. Tatatatatatatata (don’t you DARE judge my drummer…he’s sensitive…its okay Tony your still my homeslice).

I’m going to write about my obsession with all things having to do with Facebook quizzes. I LOVE THESE FREAKING QUIZZES!! I feel like some of these quizzes just speak to my soul. I’m telling you I take at least 5 of these quizzes a day…honestly it might be the only reason I go on Facebook several times a day, I could care less what every ones been doing, but if you share a quiz your in my top 5(yeah… I just referenced some Myspace…deal with it). Any who as I was saying before my alter ego (Delilah… idk why that’s her name…I just feel like Delilah has an interesting story…and if you haven’t noticed yet I love to name things…you should hear what I named my lady parts…but that’s another story) rudely interrupted…Dang it I don’t even remember what I was trying to say anymore. OOOOHHHH RIGHT today while I was at work slaving away (hehehe oooo how I crack myself up) I took a Buzzfeed quiz called….duh duh duh…What is your Soulmate doing right now?… of course right away I thought …looking for me …derf!! If you must know my so-called “soul mate” was not looking for me…In fact this mofo was apparently eating an entire jar of Nutella! How Rude!!! So to you Nutella I say damn you for possibly keeping my soulmate away from me with your hazelnutty goodness!!! That’s all I have for today …for Nutella has won.

 

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Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (Heart broken and alone….why Nutella why)