Movie Date 101

Hello!! I have returned!! Oh how I’ve missed thee! I was trying to be all Game of Thrones and wait a while before coming back, and I may or may not have wanted to leave some suspense and mystery about my whereabouts. Anywho,It has been a crazy year and I swears I’ll write about it at some point. I can’t just throw it all out there, then what would I have to write about. I decided to come back with a bang, and bring back my favorite… lists! So if you would kindly continue reading on for my criteria on what a potential significant other needs to become a significant other. It’s a working title I’m sure I’ll figure out a good name by the end of this.

1. Must not talk during a movie. I thought that was a relatively simple rule to follow. Even the movie theater tells you in a very nice way to shut the fuck up right before the movie starts. One would think everyone would shut the fuck up….buuuuuuuut that’s not always the case.

2. Must not talk during movie after a person specifically told you that she was really excited to see the movie.

3. Must not attempt to kiss person during the movie she said she really wanted to fucking see.

Ok guys I’m not sure if you see a pattern, but the she I was referring to is me. Here’s the story behind my new potential significant other criteria… honestly it’s more like a guide on how to behave during a Movie date. Ooooo guess what I’m calling this…MOVIE DATE 101.

As I was saying, about a week or so ago I went on a date. Well first you should know that this was a let me give this guy a second chance second date. It wasn’t a OMG I can’t wait to see this guy again second date… you get my drift. So basically this guy already had 1 strike against him and if you didn’t know I’m a former huge baseball fan (ever since Derek Jeter retired I can’t call myself a huge baseball fan anymore, but this is completely unrelated). As I was saying homeboy already had 1 strike against him and in my game there’s no balls ; ok that sounds wrong but if you know baseball you know that there are balls and strikes but I’m not getting into the rules of baseball. Anyway there are only strikes in my game is what I’m trying to say. Holy shit that took way to long for me to get to that point.

So this guy already had 1 strike against him, but I followed my slutties ( if you don’t remember, because I know it’s been a while, Slutties is a term of endearment I call my friends) advice and decided to give this guy a second chance. Our first date wasn’t horrible or anything, I just didn’t feel anything towards this guy. Our second and last date was to go see the movie Yesterday, which I was soooo excited to see because I’m a fan of the Beatles.

Throughout the entire movie this guy, let’s call him Motormouth, wouldn’t shut the fuck up… the. ENTIRE. TIME! For someone like me who thoroughly ( idk why this word just looks like I spelled it wrong but I spelled check and it didn’t correct me so onward we go) enjoy watching movies. I especially wanted to see this movie and I had expressed that fact when we made the plans to go and then again when we got into the theater. So it wasn’t like I only told him once and he forgot! That shit was fresh in his mind! (By the way this was strike numero dos… number 2 for those who may not know Spanish)

His blabbering wasn’t the only problem. In the middle of the movie he attempted to kiss me! KISS! ME!!! Like mofo did you even listen to me when I said I wanted to fucking see this movie! So I literally snuffed his face and told him in a very angry hushed voice (because I have common decency and didn’t want to ruin the movie for other people) NOT! DURING! THE! MOVIE! (I would greatly appreciate it, if you would read this in an angry hushed voice it really brings it home). (For those I’m the back still keeping count that was strike numero trois…(that’s number three for those that don’t know French… don’t worry I had to google translate that) YOU’RE OUT!!!

So in conclusion, don’t fuck with me during a movie I will Heisman the fuck out of you!

Well folks that’s all for today. Oh how I’ve missed our little chats!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (future Heisman Trophy winner)

Raging Lunatic? Possibly.

Soooo I’ve found out some serious sh🌙t about my self! When I’m around flies I turn into a raging, vicious fly murdering psycho. “Emily, how did you find this out?” Well ”tis the season of gnats (please pronounce with a hard G) and other flying insects and some of them decided to take up residence in Mi Casa (my house). Yesterday I finally bought a fly swatter and I have been having a grand ole time with it. BUT before I had this swatter I was killing these mofos with my bare hands! Three things have come about because of these invaders. 

1. My reflexes are on another level!!! I see one of those mofos flying around and the next thing you know the woosh (that’s the sounds of my hand flying through the air) Gnat dead! So for that I thank thee intruders.

2. My eyesight and focus are amazing! I can follow those fast flying little f🌙ckers around the room. I just wait and watch them until they land some where and BAM!!! You dead little Gnat!! So thank you for making me better at life.

3. I’m slightly paranoid that the ones I haven’t killed are plotting against me to take over! That’s really my driving force, what if I don’t kill them and they decide to ban together and form one big ass GNAT and attack me and my family! All them little f🌙ckers gots to go… THEY GOTS YO GOOOOO! It’s me or them. Survival of the fittest Bitches!!!

Well now that you all know I’m a raging lunatic I shall be gone now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (quick tip I figured out that if you wrap your fly swatter with tape it’s easier to kill the flies, that way they don’t have a chance to escape through the little slits in the swatter part… nah mean! 😈)

P.S … Ooooo how I wish there was a fly swatter big enough for those alt-right, white nationalist, racist bigots! I must digress and think peaceful thoughts because Game Of Thrones is on in less than and hour and I must be mentally prepared. 

Writers Block or Boring Life? That is the Question.

I have the worst case of, what people like to call, “writers block”. It’s either that or my life is not interesting enough for even ME to want to tell you about. I keep trying to think of something somewhat funny or entertaining and I’ve. Got. NOTHING! I have proof. (please refer to image below)

This is why I’ve been so inconsistent. All these ideas are CRAP! I don’t even know what that revelation is anymore. That ship has sailed! I’m not even joking the only fun thing that’s happened the past couple of months is that Game of Thrones is back on. That’s all I have. So basically my Sundays are the only exciting day of the week for me and it’s only really from 9pm to 10pm. 

Oh Gosh guys, I’m already boring myself… I’ve yawned about 15 times while writing this shit. You know what I’m going to do! Im going to buy the game Twister, take the spinning thing, throw the rest of the game in the garbage ( because my ass can barely bend down to tie my shoes (I don’t wear shows that need laces they’re all slip ons)without hearing something crack… so forget about me trying to play this game). Any who I’m gonna use that spinning thing and around it write things that I’ve always wanted to do. So once a week I’ll spin it and whatever it lands on I’ll most likely not do… but it’s the thought that counts.
Well that’s all I have.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (saddest panda… I hope August has some exciting things up its sleeve.)

The World of Online Dating… round 3!

Tonight is the night is the night is the night!!!(I had a song in my head that sounded disco-y and it said tonight is the night repeatedly… but then I couldn’t remember what came after that so I just tried to google it and I can’t find it… I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this song up, but if I did…I would’ve went triple platinum. THAT is how good it sounded. Anywho back to the reason for the song) GAME OF THRONES IS BACK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I’m so excited!!! Well now that I got that out of my system on to why we are here.

Online dating is a messy, messy, dirty, nasty, horn dog, sluttie cesspool of the not likely going to find “true love” but other not so good things World. So I’ve decided to give those who are brave enough to test those mucky waters some pointers, and of course it shall be in LIST FORM!! (When I said lost form in my head I imagine the words list and form in a muscular bubble version of themselves wearing a cap like a super hero and echoing form, form, form until it faded out… ooo how I crack myself up)

The World of Online Dating… round 3 !

1. Download all those free apps and have yourself a good ole time because FREE is your best friend! 

2. When writing your about me section. Don’t write anything about yourself. What’s the point of getting to know someone of they can read everything about you already. I suggest writing something funny or your favorite quote from a movie. That way when you do get a message from someone you actually have something to talk about. (on one of my many profiles I wrote something along the lines of finding sloths extremely relatable… is it the best quality to put out there NO, but at least they know what they’re getting themselves into). 

3. If you’re going to be the first to initiate contact with… the OTHERS (dun dun duuuuuuun)… start off with something funny. Making people laugh is always a good way to soften them up and TAKE EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER LOVED FROM THEM!! Just kidding don’t take anything from anyone without asking permission… HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!. All joking aside it’s a great ice breaker, and by some crazy chance that person doesn’t respond to you or doesn’t understand your level of funny… tell them GO F🌙CK YOURSELF NOW YOU’LL NEVER KNOW ALL OF DISSSSSS (pointing at yourself.. it doesn’t matter if they can’t see). Or you can just quietly delete them from your life because they weren’t good enough for you anyway.
4. This one is for the guys… don’t be a d🍆ck. When I say d🍆ck I mean don’t send a d🍆ck pick NOBODY wants to see that, and I also mean don’t be a jerk or crude. It’s like that old saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Also ladies don’t be an 🍑hole either… unless the other person starts it then be my guest.
5. Be straightforward tell the person(s) that you’re talking to what you’re looking for. If it’s only for the chitty chitty bang bang, that’s fine just make sure you clearly state that. That also goes for those out there that are looking to get married tomorrow.
6. Finally just have fun…go with the flow you might not meet the love of your life but you’ll learn how to think on your feet and have good come backs for all those pervs out there that are like “so wanna suck my dick”… you can be like ” ooo don’t you need to have one for that to happen” you know something along those lines.
Well there you have it, go do you playa pimp!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (this post should’ve probably been the first one of this series… oooo well to late for that!)

Game of Thrones Marathon in Progress!

I know I’m suppose to post something today, but I just started watching Game of Thrones and shit is getting serious!!! So tomorrow I shall be posting what I originally wanted to write. So sorry but my pee pee break is over write to you tomorrow, I swears it’s going to be a doozie!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just so everyone knows I wish Khal Drogo would call me the Moon of his life!)