I’m Sorry, Que?

New episode up right now!!!

This week I talk about how I’m the greatest gift my mother ever received, moving out of my parents house and I completely butcher the song Ella y Yo by Aventura and Don Omar in the Im sorry, Que segment.

Linked below are all the platforms you can find the podcast. I hope you come by and experience life through me. 😂

Anchor:

https://anchor.fm/lifeasamoon

Apple Podcast:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-as-a-moon/id1485767206?uo=4

Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/show/5yuaE0CsX5MuqHEaDYIjK4

Google Podcast:

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy9mYjhmYmI0L3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz

Breaker:

https://www.breaker.audio/life-as-a-moon

Pocket Cast:

https://pca.st/8kxhqus0

Overcast:

https://overcast.fm/itunes1485767206/life-as-a-moon

New Episode, Who Dis?

New episode up!! Follow the links below!

On this weeks episode I talk about my dick appointment, the new friends I made at Apple and my mom trying to marry me off. “Part of your world” from The Little Mermaid gets it’s time to shine on my segment “I’m Sorry, Que?”. 

Anchor:

https://anchor.fm/lifeasamoon

Apple Podcast:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-as-a-moon/id1485767206?uo=4

Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/show/5yuaE0CsX5MuqHEaDYIjK4

Google Podcast:

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy9mYjhmYmI0L3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz

Breaker:

https://www.breaker.audio/life-as-a-moon

Pocket Cast:

https://pca.st/8kxhqus0

Overcast:

https://overcast.fm/itunes1485767206/life-as-a-moon

A Change Gon’ Come

As the amazing Sam Cooke would say…”It’s been a looooong, a long time coming but I knooooow a change gon come… oh yes it is.” With that said, I’ve decided to change this blog into a podcast. I know right, I’m super cool. The podcast will keep the same name as the blog and the same format… even though we all know that there is no structure what so ever on this thing. But on the podcast you’ll get to hear my voice. And just like I like to sing on here for you, I will being singing on the podcast as well. Will it be the best singing you’ve ever heard… possibly, I don’t know what kind of singers you listen to. Or will it be the worst singing ever recorded in the world… probably. But you know what I say…Fuck it! I’m gonna did it anyway. 

So, if you would like to follow me into the podcast world (which I would absolutely love) My first episode will be up on Sunday!!!! I haven’t designated a day the episodes will go up, since you know I’m super indecisive, but I’ll figure it out eventually. I’m super excited about this change and also extremely nervous because you know I’ll be singing for reals, but it’s time for me to try something new and this is it! I will be posting the link to the episode here on Sunday, and if you want to know what else may be going on in my life please follow me on Instagram @lifeasamoon.

Well guys this blogging world has been fun. Hope to hear from you on my new podcasting adventure.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (wish me luck 🤞🏽)

Movie Date 101

Hello!! I have returned!! Oh how I’ve missed thee! I was trying to be all Game of Thrones and wait a while before coming back, and I may or may not have wanted to leave some suspense and mystery about my whereabouts. Anywho,It has been a crazy year and I swears I’ll write about it at some point. I can’t just throw it all out there, then what would I have to write about. I decided to come back with a bang, and bring back my favorite… lists! So if you would kindly continue reading on for my criteria on what a potential significant other needs to become a significant other. It’s a working title I’m sure I’ll figure out a good name by the end of this.

1. Must not talk during a movie. I thought that was a relatively simple rule to follow. Even the movie theater tells you in a very nice way to shut the fuck up right before the movie starts. One would think everyone would shut the fuck up….buuuuuuuut that’s not always the case.

2. Must not talk during movie after a person specifically told you that she was really excited to see the movie.

3. Must not attempt to kiss person during the movie she said she really wanted to fucking see.

Ok guys I’m not sure if you see a pattern, but the she I was referring to is me. Here’s the story behind my new potential significant other criteria… honestly it’s more like a guide on how to behave during a Movie date. Ooooo guess what I’m calling this…MOVIE DATE 101.

As I was saying, about a week or so ago I went on a date. Well first you should know that this was a let me give this guy a second chance second date. It wasn’t a OMG I can’t wait to see this guy again second date… you get my drift. So basically this guy already had 1 strike against him and if you didn’t know I’m a former huge baseball fan (ever since Derek Jeter retired I can’t call myself a huge baseball fan anymore, but this is completely unrelated). As I was saying homeboy already had 1 strike against him and in my game there’s no balls ; ok that sounds wrong but if you know baseball you know that there are balls and strikes but I’m not getting into the rules of baseball. Anyway there are only strikes in my game is what I’m trying to say. Holy shit that took way to long for me to get to that point.

So this guy already had 1 strike against him, but I followed my slutties ( if you don’t remember, because I know it’s been a while, Slutties is a term of endearment I call my friends) advice and decided to give this guy a second chance. Our first date wasn’t horrible or anything, I just didn’t feel anything towards this guy. Our second and last date was to go see the movie Yesterday, which I was soooo excited to see because I’m a fan of the Beatles.

Throughout the entire movie this guy, let’s call him Motormouth, wouldn’t shut the fuck up… the. ENTIRE. TIME! For someone like me who thoroughly ( idk why this word just looks like I spelled it wrong but I spelled check and it didn’t correct me so onward we go) enjoy watching movies. I especially wanted to see this movie and I had expressed that fact when we made the plans to go and then again when we got into the theater. So it wasn’t like I only told him once and he forgot! That shit was fresh in his mind! (By the way this was strike numero dos… number 2 for those who may not know Spanish)

His blabbering wasn’t the only problem. In the middle of the movie he attempted to kiss me! KISS! ME!!! Like mofo did you even listen to me when I said I wanted to fucking see this movie! So I literally snuffed his face and told him in a very angry hushed voice (because I have common decency and didn’t want to ruin the movie for other people) NOT! DURING! THE! MOVIE! (I would greatly appreciate it, if you would read this in an angry hushed voice it really brings it home). (For those I’m the back still keeping count that was strike numero trois…(that’s number three for those that don’t know French… don’t worry I had to google translate that) YOU’RE OUT!!!

So in conclusion, don’t fuck with me during a movie I will Heisman the fuck out of you!

Well folks that’s all for today. Oh how I’ve missed our little chats!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (future Heisman Trophy winner)

The World of Online Dating Part 4… I Think.

Oh online dating has struck again. You would think after all these “interesting” conversation I’ve had that I would learn my lesson and give up on this online dating thing. I just can’t kick this bad habit. I’m sure people have found love online and all that jazz, but it’s just not working out for me. Maybe it’s because I’m doing the free dating apps because I’m too broke to actually pay and actually meet someone who isn’t cray or likes to send me dick pics on the reg. Is it too much to ask for that first time someone messages you it isn’t a shot of their appendage (nah mean).

There is one up side to online dating, and that is it has consistently given me something to talk about. So I guess there’s that. In this segment of The World of Online Dating, we will be introduced to two very special human beings.

First up is a guy who just cut straight to the chase. Please see below so you know what I mean.

I mean I know what a freaking prince! For him to just offer to call me so that I can here him relieve himself to my pictures was something I’ve always dreamed my future hubby would ask me. So precious.

Now for the doser. This guy really did a fucking 180 on me. I thought that this would possibly turn into something fun. Before this incident that you are about to read, we were having a great conversation. I even spoke to this guy on the f🌙cking phone. I hate talking on the phone. When we spoke on the phone the first time we had a pretty good conversation, keep in mind it was during my lunch and we only had about 15mins to talk so I couldn’t fully gage his crazy. Our second phone conversation(in the same day mind you) was on my drive home from work. Don’t worry it was through the cars hands free shit, so I was being a safe driver.

I had asked him why he moved to NJ from NC. And that’s when it went to shit. He thought it was rude of people to ask why he’s here, when I was just asking out of curiosity because I would’ve stayed in NC (no offense to Jersey, I love it because I was born and raised here, but if I had the option I would most likely move). So he finally decided that he wanted to tell me about he’s reasonings and his last relationship being the main reason for his move. Let me tell you it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows so I understood his need for a change (but Jersey?, there’s 49 other states). At one point during our conversation I was having trouble hearing him so I told him I’d talk to him later because I couldn’t hear him. After I hung up I texted saying I really appreciated him telling me about his past (mind you I don’t give a flying fuck… which I guess is mean but whatevs). He responded asking me if I was judgmental because he felt that I was because he thought that it was convenient for my phone to start acting up after he told me about his past. I replied apologizing that he felt that way but that I am the least judgmental person, and that I could careless what happened in his past.

So about an hr after that I’m with Sluttie McSlutterson and we’re having dinner and he decided to text me. So I told him what I was doing and didn’t really reply because I WAS. HAVING. DINNER! So this exchange is what transpired after that. Please read below.

If you don’t know what a double negative is please re-evaluate your life. If I don’t say so myself I was very nice to this guy. I could’ve been a bitch but I reeled it in. Well needless to say I blocked him!

That’s all for this segment of The World of Online Dating!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I really should give up on this shit, but I just have some much fun writing about it)

10 F🌙cking Years!!!

Guys I know I’m slacking hardcore and I keep telling you that I’ll be back next week and I keep lying to you. In all honesty I’ve just been having a hard time thinking if things to write about. It’s like I don’t have anything relatively fun to say. Instead of calling this thing that I have a “writers block” let’s just say I’m in a pretty big consistent slump. Every player has their bad games. This is my bad game that’s been going on for a while.

Anyway the real reason I’m writing today is not only because it’s Father’s Day and I want to write something super special, beautiful and heartfelt for my dad. But also because my FUCKING 10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is next Friday and I’m NOT a New York Times Bestseller (because I haven’t written anything yet), A Grammy Award winning singer, an Academy Award Winning Actress, a Tony Award winning Lead Actress in a Musical, an Olympic Gold Medalist, nor am I super rich and famous for no reason… don’t tell anyone I still don’t have a bachelors degree. And as much as I love my dad and want to write about him, he would literally just tell me “Mimi, fuck you”. Let me be clear when he curses you out it’s really all love so don’t think bad about him, he’s the best. I’m pretty sure he’s buying me a pair of sneakers right now when I should be the one buying him gifts! So basically what I’m saying is that I’ll be writing about my FUCKING 10 YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

As I said before in a very uplifting and positive way, I ain’t done shit in the last 10 years since I fucking graduated HS. So I’m having a lot of mixed feelings about this reunion. First I feel that in this day of social media we don’t really need a HS reunion. I know everything that’s been happening in my former classmates lives, so really what is there to catch up on. Also majority of my graduating class is either married, in serious relationships, and/or have kids. Meanwhile, I’m here thinking like aren’t we too young to be getting married forgetting that I’m on the precipice of 30 (I’m not even sure I used precipice correctly… that’s how fucked I am). I’m no where near where I thought I would be. With my reunion looming over my head, it’s really putting my shit show of a life into perspective. Yes I’m working towards my degree and I have a job and all that jazz, but I feel like I’ve wasted the last 10 years of my life. God damnit this is some fucking depressing shit. I’m also 1000% sure this post has the most curse words I’ve ever written before. Also, I guess I’ll get to see people I haven’t seen in a while so that should be fun.🤥

Well guys on that depressing ass note, I’m going to go drown my sorrows in a large glass of water (because my tum tum is upset with me and I don’t want him to continue to be upset with me.). I will also try and think of a way to become rich and/or famous but preferably rich in one week or less. Should be super fucking easy.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily aka Debbie Downer (Should I even go to this reunion? Aren’t they for like people to show off how amazing their lives turned out. I feel like I don’t fit the criteria. Maybe I should do some Romy and Michelle shit and make believe I invented Post-its/Sticky notes. And if you don’t know what I’m referring to, please just go watch Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion… you see I can’t even tell you to go fuck off that’s how sad I be.)

P.S. Happy Father’s Day to all you amazing Dads. Especially my dad that dude is the fucking best!

End Of A Chapter, Start Of A New!!

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I got a new job. Well the time has come! I start said new job tomorrow. I have a little secret… I’m extremely nervous! Before I start blabbing in about this new job , let me fill you in on the last two and half weeks of my previous job.

So the last two weeks of my previous job started off exciting turned into nerves which quickly changed into vomiting flipped back to nerves after I handed in my resignation letter (which I don’t mean to toot my own own but… toot toot… was hands down the most amazing thing I’ve ever written in a workplace capacity. It had genuine gratitude, heartfelt thanks and a whole lot of bullshit)nerves turned to gratitude back to vomiting then ultimately me calling my mom crying because the vomiting wasn’t from nerves like I had originally thought, but from either a stomach bug or food poisoning ( I say food poisoning but my mom says differently) and my mom having to pick me up from work and drop me off at home and all this happened between 3pm Tuesday afternoon and 9:30am Wednesday (just to be clear I would like everyone to read that without taking a breath hence the no commas nah mean jelly bean… I feel like you’ll really feel what I went through). After I got home I mostly slept, ran to the bathroom, drank Gatorade and Ginger-ale and repeat. Yes a lot went on in those first 48hrs (I say 48hrs because I ended up calling out sick the next day)of my last two weeks at my last job.

Let’s fast forward to this past Wednesday, my last day at my previous job! My last day was bitter sweet. It was filled with a mix of excitement, joy, nerves, a little sadness and of course food and lots of turtles. I’m most definitely going to miss the friends I made and the fun times that were had, but I’m very happy to be starting a new chapter in my life. It was just time for me to move on and after all the slightly guilt inducing sadness from my former coworkers they were genuinely happy for me and wanted me to become great and obviously never forget them. Which I never will and even though none of them read this I just want to thank them for everything they taught me and especially for treating me like family and taking care of me when I needed it.

Now tomorrow is the start to this new chapter, and as I said before I’m very nervous. I know you might think I’m lying, but I’m a very shy person. It’s only after I feel comfortable enough to fart in front of you that my crazy shows… joking I shan’t fart in front of these new people any time soon … I’m pretty sure they’re mostly men and that takes at least a year till I become that comfortable if ever. All jokes aside meeting new people and having to learn something new is nerve wracking. The part that gets me the most is having to learn new names… I AM HORRIBLE WITH NAMES AND FACES! It’s gonna be bad. Well that’s all for now. Wish me luck. 🤞🏽

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Nervous Nelly I mean… Emily (by the way from what I know as if right now, there is one British man that works in this office. I know I’m freaking out 😱)