As the amazing Sam Cooke would say…”It’s been a looooong, a long time coming but I knooooow a change gon come… oh yes it is.” With that said, I’ve decided to change this blog into a podcast. I know right, I’m super cool. The podcast will keep the same name as the blog and the same format… even though we all know that there is no structure what so ever on this thing. But on the podcast you’ll get to hear my voice. And just like I like to sing on here for you, I will being singing on the podcast as well. Will it be the best singing you’ve ever heard… possibly, I don’t know what kind of singers you listen to. Or will it be the worst singing ever recorded in the world… probably. But you know what I say…Fuck it! I’m gonna did it anyway.
Guys so many things happened to me these past two weeks. Oh, where shall I begin. You know what, I haven’t done a list in so long I think it is time. I shall call it The list of things that happened to me since the last time. I know that’s kinda long but also perf!
- Don’t pick up the phone you know he’s only calling cause he’s drunk and alone… sorry I couldn’t help myself that song is forever in my head. Any way I got my nails done… I know that might not seem like a big deal and that’s because it’s not. I just decided to have a little me time and have a nice relaxing nail day where my nail tech (are they called nail techs or just like the lady that does my nails. I don’t really know the term.) decided that I didn’t need my cuties aka cuticles, and proceeded to zzzzz (that’s the sound the nail filing thing makes… clearly I did my research on this.) until I bled. Really it was as relaxing as it sounds, but my nails do look cute so I guess pain is beauty.
- I decided that I want to cut my hair because its super long (well for me any way because I usually keep my hair short) and I don’t want to deal with it. But then at the same time I don’t want to cut my hair because I want to see how long I’ll let it grow until I ultimately cut it. So I’m back at square one, nothing getting done… the usual.
- I got a new laptop! Which I am currently typing tonights post on which is why its probably going to be super long because I’m usually writing from the bathroom on my phone. It’s where all my best thinking happens. Just so you know I got a MacBook Air. I know moving on up!
- I saw Black Panther the weekend it came out and it was the most amazing thing I’ve seen in so long. In my opinion it is the best marvel movie! The storyline… Amazing! The Villian… HOT also Amazing! The fact that this movie not only showcased talented black people from the actors to the director, but the fact that the powerful black women were the driving force… was fucking MAGICAL! This movie was so good I watched it twice and I’m trying to go watch it again, so whoever wants to go let me know!
- This is a big one people! I got a new JOB! I know I’m so excited! For those of you that don’t know I’ve been on the job hunt and let me tell you it has not been easy. When I first started looking I told myself that I only wanted to apply for jobs that I would be passionate about. If some of you don’t know I’m currently going to school for Creative Writing. So logically I want to be a New York Times Bestselling Author, but apparently one needs to write and wait for it publish a book for that to happen. But never fear I’m in the process of writing a little something something, nah mean jelly bean. I do have a back up career and that is to work in publishing. Just so you know getting a job in publishing is incredibly hard… honestly getting a job in any field is hard. After a couple of months with no luck, I broaden my scope. I can learn more in whatever field I get into and when I finish my degree and can go back out there and try again. With that being said I start my new job, not in publishing but that’s ok, in two weeks! In the mean time I’ll just keep writing and go with the flow!
- Finally, I was asked a very important question last night! A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that two of my slutties got engaged. Well Frover, my most favorite sluttie of all, asked me to be her bridesmaid! AAAAHHHHH! I’m so excited!! She asked in the cutest way! She gave us (her bridesmaids) a wine glass with the question written on it! It was the most beautiful thing. I got teary eyed and everything! Just thinking about it now has my eyes watery! Please enjoy the picture below because I had about an hour-long photo shoot with my glass!
Well this went on as long as I predicted… god I love this fucking MacBook… I really just like writing MacBook… and just think about it guys I could be writing the next New York Times Bestselling book right here on this MacBook!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future Bridesmaid! and hopeful New York Times Bestselling Author!)
Every time I visit a new city, I’m reminded of how badly I wish I was a gypsy, nomad, or honestly super f🌙cking rich so I can continuously travel around the world and not have to worry about a job and all that boring adult stuff. You’re probably wondering “Emily where the f🌙ck did that come from?” Well, I’m glad you asked. Last weekend I was in a magical place called Newport, Rhode Island. If you remember from last year (you probably don’t because I barely remember it) my slutties and I had a girls weekend getaway in the beautiful (slightly chilly but still beautiful) Salem, Massachusetts. With this new girls weekend getaway tradition, this year as I said before we went to the magical land of mermaids aka Newport, Rhode Island!
As a courtesy to all you lovely peeps I’ve decided to compile a list called “If you’re planning a trip to Newport here is what you should know” I know super catchy right…. I’m really good and making list titles, me thinks me missed me calling.
1. Don’t drive to Newport when it’s dark out. You see I don’t think they believe in street lights. When me and my slutties started our adventure to the isle of le mermaids we left a tad bit late. Just so you have an estimate of how far we are from Newport it took us roughly 9,000 hours to get there. Okay you caught me it didn’t take that long but that’s how long it took us to get out of Connecticut. There’s no need for CT to be that long. Moral of this story is don’t drive in the dark…it sucks.
2. Newport is beautiful! I love the ease I felt when I was there. Living close to NYC everything and everyone is always on the move, but being in Newport it was like I was in a whole other world. Everything was very chill (literally and figuratively) but I think what added to that feeling was being surrounded by water. I don’t know if you know this but I love the water… it might be the Dominican in me that feels closer to her homeland by being near water but I love being by the water. Whenever I can I try to go down by the river and I just get this sense of calm whenever I’m there. Annnnyyyyyway, Newport gives you a very mellow feeling… it could’ve also been the fact that it was freezing out and there weren’t a lot of people out and about, but i like to think it was probably a mix of both (aka the freezing temperatures).
3. Whilst on your visit to Newport you should most definitely visit and have wine tastings at their many vineyards. Me and the slutties went to a vineyard called Greenvale Vineyards. It was the best time ever. We sipped on different wines and made believe like we were connoisseurs and we were saying things like “this has an oaky taste” and “oh wow you can really taste the oak in this one”. Listen that is the only thing I know about wines! Don’t judge me! As I was saying we had a really great time walking through the vines… don’t tell anyone but we even tasted the grapes of one of the wines we had tasted and it tasted nothing like the wine but the grapes were pretty delish!
4. If you’re going to go to Newport or any place with your friends, just go with people you know you’ll have a good time with and don’t mind the smell of your farts. That’s all you need in a good road trip. OH you also need snacks because then those people you thought were gonna be fun actually suck because your not on a sugar high. Good thing Big Booty Judy brought the goods with her.
Well my little world travelers that is all I have for thee.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (please enjoy a few of the beautiful pictures by the best photographer I know… ME!! Bwuahahaha… to see more go to the Life As A Moon instagram: @lifeasamoon)
HELLOOO!!! Guess what I did this weekend?! And no it was not stay home and nap all day. (Gasp!!) I know it’s crazy even to my own eyes, but I actually went out this weekend. I went camping for the first time in my life! I popped my camping cherry!! Ooo how I learned a thing or two about camping.
1. Don’t camp when it’s cold outside. Just don’t do it! I usually don’t get cold because I’m practically a freaking walking human furnace and I (pause on the I so you understand the emphasis I’m trying to make) felt like my lady bits were no longer attached to my body! I thought I lost toes, but never fear, I still have all 10 little nuggets. So basically if you decided to go camping in September in Upstate NY for two nights, pack as if you’re moving to Antarctica to study the migration pattern of polar bears (or whatever reason you possibly have to go to Antarctica).
2. I feel like Pop Tarts make better S’mores than the real thing, but I was also reminded that I’m a lazy Emily Snow( for those of you that don’t watch Game of Thrones…first you should be ashamed of yourself and secondly Snow means bastard) and I only really like Pop Tarts better because it’s already made for you. Well all I have to say to you is that. Is. Absolutely. True! I am a lazy mofo. Also the real smores were pretty freaking delish!
3. There are a lot more stars in the sky then the four or five I see and the random planes that trick me into thinking there are blinking red stars. This is how one knows you are a city kid. The last time I saw that many stars I was 13 and on vacation with my family in the Dominican Republic.
I know I might not be painting my weekend getaway in the best light, but I did have a great time! I got to see some friends haven’t seen in a while. I got to sit by a fire and make believe that I was a Targaryen (Game of Thrones reference again… smh to those of you who don’t know what I mean… please watch GOT because it’s too long for me to go through 7 seasons to explain what I mean … okay thanks!). All in all I would definitely go camping again (hopefully when it’s warmer out), it’s a great experience and it’s a great way to spend time with friends laughing and playing whiffle ball… and possibly over act when you get hit by a pitch and fall to the ground to inevitably hurt yourself because you were playing hurt! Oooo karma you is a bitch! Yes it was I who won an Oscar on getting hit by a pitch through method acting.. thank you but please hold the applause.
Well my baby nuggets it’s been swell!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (Camper Extraordinaire)
P.S. Life As A Moon has an Instagram account!!! Yay!! It’s actually been up for a couple of months I just keep forgetting to tell people. Anywho if you want to see random things I like to post and any updates about the blog please follow @lifeasamoon
Tonight is the night is the night is the night!!!(I had a song in my head that sounded disco-y and it said tonight is the night repeatedly… but then I couldn’t remember what came after that so I just tried to google it and I can’t find it… I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this song up, but if I did…I would’ve went triple platinum. THAT is how good it sounded. Anywho back to the reason for the song) GAME OF THRONES IS BACK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I’m so excited!!! Well now that I got that out of my system on to why we are here.
Online dating is a messy, messy, dirty, nasty, horn dog, sluttie cesspool of the not likely going to find “true love” but other not so good things World. So I’ve decided to give those who are brave enough to test those mucky waters some pointers, and of course it shall be in LIST FORM!! (When I said lost form in my head I imagine the words list and form in a muscular bubble version of themselves wearing a cap like a super hero and echoing form, form, form until it faded out… ooo how I crack myself up)
The World of Online Dating… round 3 !
1. Download all those free apps and have yourself a good ole time because FREE is your best friend!
2. When writing your about me section. Don’t write anything about yourself. What’s the point of getting to know someone of they can read everything about you already. I suggest writing something funny or your favorite quote from a movie. That way when you do get a message from someone you actually have something to talk about. (on one of my many profiles I wrote something along the lines of finding sloths extremely relatable… is it the best quality to put out there NO, but at least they know what they’re getting themselves into).
3. If you’re going to be the first to initiate contact with… the OTHERS (dun dun duuuuuuun)… start off with something funny. Making people laugh is always a good way to soften them up and TAKE EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER LOVED FROM THEM!! Just kidding don’t take anything from anyone without asking permission… HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!. All joking aside it’s a great ice breaker, and by some crazy chance that person doesn’t respond to you or doesn’t understand your level of funny… tell them GO F🌙CK YOURSELF NOW YOU’LL NEVER KNOW ALL OF DISSSSSS (pointing at yourself.. it doesn’t matter if they can’t see). Or you can just quietly delete them from your life because they weren’t good enough for you anyway.
4. This one is for the guys… don’t be a d🍆ck. When I say d🍆ck I mean don’t send a d🍆ck pick NOBODY wants to see that, and I also mean don’t be a jerk or crude. It’s like that old saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Also ladies don’t be an 🍑hole either… unless the other person starts it then be my guest.
5. Be straightforward tell the person(s) that you’re talking to what you’re looking for. If it’s only for the chitty chitty bang bang, that’s fine just make sure you clearly state that. That also goes for those out there that are looking to get married tomorrow.
6. Finally just have fun…go with the flow you might not meet the love of your life but you’ll learn how to think on your feet and have good come backs for all those pervs out there that are like “so wanna suck my dick”… you can be like ” ooo don’t you need to have one for that to happen” you know something along those lines.
Well there you have it, go do you playa pimp!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (this post should’ve probably been the first one of this series… oooo well to late for that!)
Guys there’s so many things I need to write about, but I should probably start with my trip to New Orleans buuuuut I honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened. Before you start jumping to conclusions I was not that drunk that I blacked out, I just have horrible memory. The following is what I do remember:
1. I, Emily, might have gotten on top of a bar and taken a shot named “blow job” where hands were not allowed… yeah I know SCANDALOUS!
2. There was a tour of the beautiful city of New Orleans by a woman named Sandy from Houston… I know Confucius… but she did say she’s lived in NOLA for 30 years ( I think that’s what she said I could be making that up).
3. There was alcohol being sipped at all hours of the day (some from penis straws and sometimes on roofs… yea we like to live dangerously).
5. French Quarter Festival was great… so many types of food everywhere. My stomach was not happy with me when I got home but I was happy when I was eating it so that’s all that matters!
Well that’s about all I can remember… next time I go away I’m gonna take some notes I promise (as we all know that’s probably not going to happen because I won’t remember I promised this so don’t hold me accountable) Ta Ta for now!
Love Ya From The Moon and Back,
Emily (traveler extraordinaire!)
I now love CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!!! Why have I never had chicken and waffles before this weekend… I’m extremely disappointed in myself!
Anyway this weekend was one of the most productive I’ve had in a while and I’m freaking exhausted. I’m currently writing to you all while laying down and hoping I don’t drop my phone on my face.
So on Saturday, Sluttie McSlutterson, Boobielicious and I went to the beach… And it was magical. Well not really it was like any other beach day… We were in the water for what felt like half and hour but was really more like two hours. After being in the sun for hours I got extra crispy. I was some what pale before but now I’m a little golden brown with a tint of redness. I Didn’t get my crispy color just from Saturday though, I also went to the pool on Sunday… It was freaking hawt as ballssss!!!
My skin color wasn’t the only thing that changed, my once beautiful purple/grayish color has also disappeared on me! I now have some… I don’t even know what color it is now, but as long as it’s not green from the chlorine I can deal I guess.
I’m so so so sad that my PURPLE HAIR IS GONE! I love that hair I don’t think I can cope… I just loved that color so much. I thought I met the one. So I’ve decided to just let my hair be what it wants to be this summer, and then I’m going back to my one true hair color soulmate! Well Ta-Ta for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (the sun drained me… I need sleep!)