Hello!! I have returned!! Oh how I’ve missed thee! I was trying to be all Game of Thrones and wait a while before coming back, and I may or may not have wanted to leave some suspense and mystery about my whereabouts. Anywho,It has been a crazy year and I swears I’ll write about it at some point. I can’t just throw it all out there, then what would I have to write about. I decided to come back with a bang, and bring back my favorite… lists! So if you would kindly continue reading on for my criteria on what a potential significant other needs to become a significant other. It’s a working title I’m sure I’ll figure out a good name by the end of this.

1. Must not talk during a movie. I thought that was a relatively simple rule to follow. Even the movie theater tells you in a very nice way to shut the fuck up right before the movie starts. One would think everyone would shut the fuck up….buuuuuuuut that’s not always the case.

2. Must not talk during movie after a person specifically told you that she was really excited to see the movie.

3. Must not attempt to kiss person during the movie she said she really wanted to fucking see.

Ok guys I’m not sure if you see a pattern, but the she I was referring to is me. Here’s the story behind my new potential significant other criteria… honestly it’s more like a guide on how to behave during a Movie date. Ooooo guess what I’m calling this…MOVIE DATE 101.

As I was saying, about a week or so ago I went on a date. Well first you should know that this was a let me give this guy a second chance second date. It wasn’t a OMG I can’t wait to see this guy again second date… you get my drift. So basically this guy already had 1 strike against him and if you didn’t know I’m a former huge baseball fan (ever since Derek Jeter retired I can’t call myself a huge baseball fan anymore, but this is completely unrelated). As I was saying homeboy already had 1 strike against him and in my game there’s no balls ; ok that sounds wrong but if you know baseball you know that there are balls and strikes but I’m not getting into the rules of baseball. Anyway there are only strikes in my game is what I’m trying to say. Holy shit that took way to long for me to get to that point.

So this guy already had 1 strike against him, but I followed my slutties ( if you don’t remember, because I know it’s been a while, Slutties is a term of endearment I call my friends) advice and decided to give this guy a second chance. Our first date wasn’t horrible or anything, I just didn’t feel anything towards this guy. Our second and last date was to go see the movie Yesterday, which I was soooo excited to see because I’m a fan of the Beatles.

Throughout the entire movie this guy, let’s call him Motormouth, wouldn’t shut the fuck up… the. ENTIRE. TIME! For someone like me who thoroughly ( idk why this word just looks like I spelled it wrong but I spelled check and it didn’t correct me so onward we go) enjoy watching movies. I especially wanted to see this movie and I had expressed that fact when we made the plans to go and then again when we got into the theater. So it wasn’t like I only told him once and he forgot! That shit was fresh in his mind! (By the way this was strike numero dos… number 2 for those who may not know Spanish)

His blabbering wasn’t the only problem. In the middle of the movie he attempted to kiss me! KISS! ME!!! Like mofo did you even listen to me when I said I wanted to fucking see this movie! So I literally snuffed his face and told him in a very angry hushed voice (because I have common decency and didn’t want to ruin the movie for other people) NOT! DURING! THE! MOVIE! (I would greatly appreciate it, if you would read this in an angry hushed voice it really brings it home). (For those I’m the back still keeping count that was strike numero trois…(that’s number three for those that don’t know French… don’t worry I had to google translate that) YOU’RE OUT!!!

So in conclusion, don’t fuck with me during a movie I will Heisman the fuck out of you!

Well folks that’s all for today. Oh how I’ve missed our little chats!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (future Heisman Trophy winner)