Scandalous, this is some Rated R Stuff!

I had a moment on Friday where I was in the parking garage at my job sitting in my car contemplating whether I should call out and just drive home. It took a lot of will power to get out of my car. I think if I would’ve had more than 10 mins to decide before having to punch in (And if I had anymore sick days) I might have called out. But alas I went to work and did all those work related things.

At night I met up with a couple of friends, and did the usual shit talking. What you ask is the usual shit talking. Well let me just tell you how our night went. I was the first one to arrive at our destination… You might be wondering why I’m being so secretive; I’m actually not I’m just having trouble remembering where we went I’m sure by the end of this I’ll have remembered. As I was saying I was the first to get to oooo Buffalo Wild Wings and there was about a 15mins to an hour wait. Shit was crazy! Apparently there was sports happening that night and a lot of Zombie Loving people because there was this Zombie thing happening near by. So after about half an hour our little buzzing thing buzzed and we went to sit down, and commenced the ordering of drinks. I was being extra risky and went for a beer I’ve never had before, I don’t know why I was just feeling some type of way. I’ve learned that trying something new isn’t always bad, because that beer was really freaking good (it’s called the American Lager… Yum mm!).

After our last member showed up the shit talking began. It was a broad range of subjects. We talked about our lives and all the shit going on. We talked about the mutual dislike we have for people. We talked about HD T.Vs and the IPhone and all the cool shit smart Tvs can do. We talked about trips we went on, trips want to take and trips were going on.

Of course we talked about penises (but we were much more rated R… We called it the C word… scandalous) we talked about size and there might have been pictures involved. Lastly (mommy don’t read this… STOP RIGHT HERE DON’T GO ANY FURTHER) we talked about how if a woman doesn’t give head she ain’t shit, I know mind blow. Sometimes you just gotta suck some dick. Of course that went into much further detail, buuuuut I think this is where I should let you go.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (of course I’m a good girl, I don’t do those things…I just drink!)

Vino Viernes/Adele Day!!

It’s Adele’s album release day, and I might be way to inebriated to make anytype of sense tonight because I will be drinking my feelings. So I’ve decided to write to you this lovely morning and let you know what my Friday night/ Saturday morning will be looking like. Well before I get to the drinking part of my night I will be going to go see ALADDIN ON BROADWAY!!!! I’m so freaking excited I’ve been wanting to see this musical since it opened on Broadway! Aaaaaahhhhhh I can’t contain all this excitement! Not only am I going to see freaking Aladdin on Broadway Adeles album 25 comes out today to… I don’t know what to do with myself!!!! If I wasn’t sitting in my car typing this I would be doing a Chinese fire drill… For those who don’t know what this is, its when the car you are in stops at a red light and everyone gets out and runs around the car and then gets back in to their seats; it’s super fun people in the other cars just look at you like your on crack. So yeah that’s just a snippet of my excitement level.

As for Saturday I’ll be nursing a hangover while watching the Hunger Games Mocking Jay Part 2!!! It’s such an eventful weekend!!

Well I gotta go to work now bye.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( ADELE!!!!)

Vino Viernes!

I was having a pretty good night (Was being the operative word) until some little sucka duck pissed me off!!! I shall start from the beginning for thee.

So tonight I went to the movies with two of my slutties… We saw The Scorch Trials, which was fucking amazing… Not only am I slightly obsessed with Dylan O’Brien, but I’m okay I’m extremely obsessed. In all honesty this movie was amazing… If you haven’t seen The Maze Runner go see that one first then go see The Scorch Trials, you shan’t be disappointed! Any way back to my story. So after the movie Boobielicuous and I decide that we Hungry, so we made our way to Applebee’s, because you know half price appetizers after 10pm, and while we were there we saw some peeps and caught up with people.

While we were there these two couples on what look like a double date to me, but they could totes be swingers who knows. Anyway these couples sitting behind Boobielicious were right in my line of vision! And oooo was the PDA on full blast! These mofos have no respect for us lonely motherfuckers. There they were all huggy and kissy and sharing fucking dessert… LIKE WTF, give me a break I’m about to be in tears here being reminded of my singledom! My lonely, broke, lonely singledom.

After I’m already depressed because I’m there with my Sluttie instead of my future Ex-husband, Boobielicious decides she wants to stab me and twist the knife(metaphorically speaking, but ooo did it feel real!!) this WHORE points out that our waiter didn’t even ID me for the Pitcher of Peach Sangria I ordered, which I basically drank the whole thing, I only let Boobielicious have one glass, well that’s what she deserved for inadvertently calling me old and then for literally (must say with British accent) looking in my face and calling me old! Now you know Boobielicious why you are a WHORE and why you only got one glass!!!

At those point I was still having a good night and then this is where this little mofo in the Honda Civic with his little mofo friends come into the picture! These little dickheads were parked next to my Manny, and were just sitting there with their windows down talking shit. So when we got in the car and started to take off this little shit head asshole piece of horse manure takes off at the same time as me!!! And then the little slut bitch cunt licker sitting in the back throws up dueces out the window!!! I don’t know if you understand the anger that was coursing through me!! I was about to do some horrid horrid things to those little fubnuckers! I don’t think people understand that I keep my ghetto locked down at all times, but when you do some dumbass shit like that my inner Chonga comes out and it’s a bitch to lock her up again! Okay I feel better now. I’m sorry for all the profanity today I just couldn’t hold it back.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( now because I’m all worked up I’m hot as hell!)

The Lost Monday!

Sooooo I might have remembered a little late that Monday was Monday and not Sunday. Because of Labor Day I was off from work, so in my head the whole weekend just shifted. By the time I remembered Monday was Monday and not Sunday it was like 10:30pm and I had nothing to write about. Although my friend suggested I should write about the first thing that popped into my head, which was penis (totes inapprops). So I just decided to write nothing, because if I did it would just have been the word Penis written over and over again in lower case, in CAPS, in MiXeD… Nah mean. My post would’ve looked like the scene from 500 Days of Summer when Zoey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt are yelling “PENIS!!” in the park. So I vetoed that.

I was originally going to write about the dynamics in a guy/girl friendship, and if it’s really possible for guys and girls to just be friends without one or the other getting all “emotional” and feeling things more than friendship!. Buuuuuuut it’s hot as FUCK in my house right now and the light coming off my phone and the movement of my fingers on the keyboard is making me sweat like a person that sweats a lot, so I’m gonna leave this topic for Friday. This way I’ll be drunkish and it would probably be way more fun!

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,
Emily (let the California countdown begin… In 1 month and 1 day I will be heading to California know how to party, California knows how to party!!)

Vino Viernes! The Original

 

It’s back and better than ever!!!! The original Vino Viernes!!! Yaaaassss!!!! Just so you know this will be Ashley… Sorry I meant to put a short one… Ahhhh. Holy fubnucker this Canadian shit is strong as hell!!! If you haven’t noticed I’m drinking the bottle I bought in Montreal! It’s called Cassius Blackcurrant… I think there are a lot of names on this bottle and I’m not sure which one it is, but I can describe the bottle to you. Actually I’m super lazy and slightly sloshed ( I heard someone say this and I thought it’s was highlarious!) so I’m going to put a picture up instead!

As I said before this shit is strong as hell… Any way this wine has a very fruity taste! From what I remember the lady ( the one who had us taste the wines at the festival in Montreal) said that it was blackberry, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you because I’ve never had blackberries before so I can’t say. All I can tell you is that it’s pretty DELISH! My dad doesn’t like it so that means I like it even more!!!! Hopefully this bottle lasts longer than the others. One thing I suggest with this wine is taking breaks between sips, because it’s so sweet it can be very tiring. The thing I don’t like about this wine is that it kind of smells like potpourri… seriously just had the hardest time trying to spell potpourri, Who the hell knew there was a T in that word. I hate silent letters… If letters are put together to make a word then freaking pronounce the letters… All of them!!!! You don’t understand how much that bothers me!! Well that’s it for tonight peeps I’m gonna go drink/listen to music with my brother and cousin!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( how deep is your love… Aaaah ooooo aaaaah oooo… I want you to breathe me, let me be your air… How deep is your love, is it like nirvana, hit me harder oooo yeah, how deep is your love, is it like the ocean pull me closer!!! I love this song!!! Calvin Harris- How Deep is Your Love!!)

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Vino Viernes!!

When I got home today I was welcomed with the best thing ever!!! My cousins and brother telling me how much they missed me and loved me! Mmmh (sigh) to be loved so much… It’s the best thing ever!!! As we all know… Today is Friday!!! Vino Viernes!!!! For today’s wine I tried something new… Of course it’s still by Barefoot because honestly I don’t drink anything else… I had some Pinto Noir. Before I altered my glass of wine I took a sip like the classy people. The following is how to drink wine like a classy person:

1. One needs a wine glass… It’s a lie when they say size doesn’t matter, because it does… So get the biggest glass you have.

2. Pour about a sip into said wine glass.

3. Hold said wine glass by the stem ( which is the skinny stick part… I should’ve really done a wine etiquette Friday… To late for that now we must learn on the fly)

4. Slightly spin wine glass, and when I say spin I mean enough that the wine looks like a small whirl pool.

5. Stopping spinning after about two seconds.

6. This is a big one you must sniff the win… I have no clue why I’ve just seen and read that this is what should be done.

7. Take a sip but make sure there’s some air with it, as if you were slurping ( I’ve seen my uncle do this, apparently it’s suppose to bring out the real taste… Idk, whatever)

8. Finally, after you’ve tasted it and even if you like it or not pour yourself a larger glass (if you like the taste drink up… If not add some sprite to that bitch and drink up!!)

So what I’m trying to say is that Pinto Noir is a dry wine, and I’m not a fan of that kind but if Barefoot makes it I’m gonna drink. Obviously I added a generous amount of sprite.

I just have to tell you my reason for getting Pinto Noir… I knew from the beginning it was dry, but a when I saw the bottle in the liquor store I fell in love with it. First of all the bottle has a purple label… I love purple!!! Secondly I saw an episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt a while ago when I binged watched the whole first season in one day. If you haven’t seen it yet go on Netflix right now and watch it and if you don’t have Netflix I’m sorry but we cannot be associated with each other… I joke I joke… But seriously get Netflix because this show is amazeballz!! Anyway in and episode Kimmys roommate Titus makes a music video of a song he wrote called Pinot Noir! It is freaking highlarious!!! Please if you get anything from this post it is to look up Titus’s song Pinto Noir… I’m begging you!! OOOO and you should watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.. Just saying!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Pinto Noir, Caviar, Myanmar, Mid-sized car, You don’t have to be popu-lar Find out who your true friends are?… That’s just a little snippet of the song for you guys)

Vino Viernes!!!

AAAAAAHHHHH…. I’m sooooo freaking glad it’s Friday!!! I started out today in a perfectly good mood, and then it gradually went down the poop shoot. I thought everything was gonna be all good… There was no traffic I got to work super early, and because of that I got to take a quick cat nap. So I was super duper happy! Then I walked into the office and found out the AC was broken or some crap like that!! WTF!!! It was cooler outside than it was inside that office!! Of course this would happen on the day I decided to wear a half sleeve shirt… Sure it might have been super thin material and slightly seen through (don’t worry I’m super professional and wore a tank top under… I’m only slightly sluttie after work hours). Any way I was still sweating profusely! I am not a happy person when I’m HOT!!!! I get extremely cranky. My day was just blah after that. The only thing I had to look forward to was this big ass fan we have in the hall way, and every time I walked by it I felt like Sasha Fierce ( Beyoncés alter ego). All the single ladies all the single ladies all the single ladies now put your hands up!!

On to why we’re really here… VINO VIERNES!!! Today I’m having Barefoots deliciously sweet Moscato. As you all know by now I’m obsessed with Barefoot and would never say anything bad about any of its wines. Also this wine is amazing anyway so I have nothing bad to say even if I wanted to. For those of you that didn’t Moscato pairs perfectly with mild cheese… The bottle said so, and because the bottle said it I had to have some cheese with my wine today. It might not have been mild because it was mozzarella string cheese…cheese is cheese and I love it as much as I love wine!

I’m still super Grumpy Magee and hot so I’m out this piece… And I’m going to go see Grease and this movie night in the park my town is having!!! GREASE LIGHTENING GO GO GO GO GO GOGO GO GOGO GREASE LIGHTENING YOUR BURNING UP HE QUARTER MILE!! That’s just a sample of what I’ll be doing to night!!! Singing at the top of my lungs!!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( it’s electrifying!!! If you’ve seen Grease than you’ll know!!)

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Vino Viernes!!

CALIFORNIA LOVE (intro to California love by sir Tupac)…And no I ain’t been to MIA I heard that Cali never rains and New York’s heart awaits…If you’re going to San Francisco, Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair, If you’re going to San Francisco You’re gonna meet some gentle people there…I’d be safe and warm I’d be safe and warm) If I was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.) California dreaming (California dreaming) On such a winter’s day, Okay I know it’s summer but deal with it! I’m going going back back to Cali Cali, so technically this will be my first time going to California… But I feel like I’ve been there in my dreams; that should count for something.

If you haven’t realized, by my beautiful medley of California inspired songs by different generations and genres of music… I’m going to California!!! YASSSSS!!!! It’s official people Sluttie McSlutterson and I will be going to Cali for a week!!!! I’m so freaking excited!!! We are gonna be the biggest freaking tourist L.A., San Fran, San Diego, and maybe Vegas has ever seen. Yes I know Vegas is not in Cali, but honestly when your that close to Vegas how can we resist. It would be a crime for us not to go to Vegas at least one night while we’re out west.

I think the thing I’m most excited about is being able to say that I was in the Pacific Ocean. I know totes nerdy, but I don’t give a Flying farting pigs ass!!! Even if it’s considered “too cold” to go in the ocean over there, I’m fucking going in… Even if it’s just my big toes IDC. I want to say that I have been in both the Atlantic and motherfing Pacific Oceans!
Anyway as the time for my trip approaches, I will probably mention random things along the way! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!

Today I’m sad to report that I did not have any “vino”. BUT I did have me some Piña Colada!! I hear from a source that no one knows about that Piña Colada is considered the Vino of all pineapple based drinks. Soooo there you have it… Those are the facts that I was told from a little birdy that works with a lot of Pineappley things. That’s all I have for you tonight.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I wonder if Californians have a different slang than New Jersians… They probably do, it’s probably way more chill that’s in Jersey)

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Vino Viernes!!

Sooo it’s more like Cerveza (Beer) Fridays… todays Vino was not drinkable…that shit was like freaking poison. I’m pretty sure it’s currently burning a hole in my tum tum. What wine am I killing myself with you ask. Well like I told you last week I had bought to bottles of the Cupcake brand Vino…a red one and a white one. Last week I had Sahara Desert Red. This week I attempted to drink Skull and Cross Bone Poison white…I pretty sure the bottle has that on the warning label. I know everyone has specific tastes, but this Cupcake “Angel Food Cake” was the freaking devil!! I think they made it with freaking jalapeños; I didn’t know that angel food cake was spicy. I’m sorry Houdini (the friend…or should I say enemy that recommended this vino brand) but I am not a fan of this brand of wine! Since it is Friday, how could I not drink something alcoholic…hence why today should actually be called Cerveza Fridays. I traded that death contraption for one of my favorite beers…Stella…yuummmm! So now I am in a much happier mood. Shall we move on?

So remember when I wrote that they ended up not needing me for jury duty…well I spoke to soon. Later on that day I received some wonderful news… I had to report to jury duty the next day. I know most people would be like…WHY ME!!! NO!!! I DON’T WANNA!! I actually didn’t mind… I was super excited that I was given this GREAT POWER!!! I was gonna start putting mofos in jail, or getting people the money they deserve… “It’s their money and they need it NOW”. I get to the courthouse and my excitement keeps growing…I’m looking around to see where the hell I have to go and BAM!!! Me thinks me founds the new love of my life…this cop was so freaking DEEELISH!!! I was about to be like “excuse me sir I want to make a citizens arrest, because you stole my heart”…ooo or “Did it hurt? When you fell outta heaven.” Ooo or “Do you have a band aide? Because I scraped my knee falling for you.” Okay okay I’m done…but I’m telling you I saw hearts floating around this mans head. I didn’t even care about righting wrongs anymore…it was love at first sight…well for me. As I walked away from my future ex-husband, I told my self I’ll do this jury duty stuff all the time if he’s gonna be here. After being distracted I finally reach where I have to be, and four hours later…. I wasn’t chosen again… but I spent the morning imaging my life with my future cop ex-husband. We would watch Netflix together, we would drink together, we would watch some more Netflix together. I know it was B.E.A.UTIFUL. So it was a pretty productive day for me. Ooo and Manny Mandingo (that’s my cars name) got a bath yesterday!! He’s so fresh and so clean clean.

I’m sorry guys, besides me sitting in traffic for an hour…my life was not eventful today. Maybe I’ll have something good for you next week.

FullSizeRender-2Don’t forget Lunatics this Sunday is Mothers Day!!! I got my mum a mothers day card and I’m going to tweak it a little bit…it’s gonna be HIGHlarious. I’ll post a picture on Monday.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (master pick up artist… My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can’t hold it in…okay okay I’m done now)