Does My Face Say… “Hi, I’m Your Therapist”

This weeks episode I talk about my surprise visitor, memorable interactions with people and why randos feel the need to tell me everything that’s ever happened to them. Wannabe by the Spice Girls makes an appearance on “I’m Sorry, Que?”.

Come listen, links below!

Thanksgiving and All That!


This Thanksgiving was freaking stressful for me!! This year I had to actually cook the food!!! Do you understand how stressful that is to not poison people! Yea I had my mom there to tell me what to do, but still she trusted me not to fu🌙ck it up. Thankfully everything came out good and nobody was poisoned or got the you know what💩. All I want to know is how my mom does this every year. That sh🌙t is f🌙cking exhausting!

Anyway on top of becoming the best chef ever, I’ve decided that the older I get the more I need to start wearing make-up.

Every morning I feel like I look like the dead! BUT! When one decides to start wearing make-up you kinda have to know what tones you should use, and let me tell you that makes me not want to wear make-up. Not only do you need the correct tone, you also have to know how to apply it! You also have to know what brush is for what. So basically I have to go to the school of You-Tube and study under the make-up gurus of the world. This is already waaaay to much work. AND that also means I have to start getting up earlier to get all that sh🌙t on my face!! I don’t like to break my sleep! I love sleeping!!!

Well that’s all I have for tonight, I must continue playing Assassins Creed Origins!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Chef Emily (I had a very boring week… don’t judge me!)

Four Course Meal!! And Some Dessert!

I’ve finally done something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time! I had my first FOUR course meal and it was just as freaking magical as I thought it would be! “But Emily where and how did you get this magnificent dinner? Did you go on a date with a super fancy Doctor…Lawyer…Super Rich Guy… Derek Jeter?” You ask. Weeeeeellll no it wasn’t a date but I’m flattered you think it was any of those four options. How I had this magical journey of food was through my jobs Christmas Dinner! I was living the fancy life on Friday night people!!!

My night started off like this… I walked into this beautiful restaurant called Grissini. As my coworkers and I walked through the restaurant towards our seating area our nostrils were basking in all the wonderfully delicious smells. When we got to our reserved room we saw the beauty that awaited us. Looking around I noticed names situated on different tables and as I walked through the room I found my name beautifully printed in black (please see picture below as reference). As I sat in my seat I noticed the menu on my plate (also see same picture below as reference) and the page was filled with such deliciousness. While I sat talking to my coworkers a waiter came and asked us what we would like to drink (thank god he started at the other end of my table because once I heard people ordering alcoholic beverages I was like HELL YES!! If he would’ve started with me I would’ve just gotten water and what a waste of free alcohol that would’ve been). I told our waiter, Michael Angelo (might or might not be his real name… or maybe just one of those names is his real name… you shall never know!! Bwuhahahaha) that I’ll have a glass of… Riesling (I know fancy as fuck right). As the night progressed and meal after meal was placed in front of me I thought to myself… DAAAAYUMMM I need to do this shit more often. 

And that is how I Emily had my fanciest moment thus far… hopefully there’s some more fancy coming my way… nah mean!

The End.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I now know how people can do multiple courses… the food comes in rather small portions… but I’d still do that shit again!)

La Loca En La Cocina!

So I started a cooking show (Started Wednesday ended Thursday) called La Loca En La Cocina which means The Crazy Woman in the Kitchen ( my mom made this title up and at first I was like damn you think I’m crazy, but as the night…I mean show progressed I understood). Anywho for Thanksgiving I helped my mom cook the most delicious food that anyone in the world could ever eat made by the best chef in the world…. ME!!! Just so everyone knows I have no clue how to cook, I just watch a lot of food network so basically I’m a professional. What and how was this show done? Good question random person. What I did was basically repeat everything my sous chef ( aka my mum) told me to do to the live studio audience (aka the wall above my stove). I had special guests come on the show like my brother, my cousin and my daughter Taily ( for those that don’t know she is my doggy daughter and her name is pronounced Tie-Lee… don’t ever fuck her name up she gets very upset and I can’t deal with her mood swings!).

My show consisted of me yelling at my sous chef for telling me what to do and then profusely apologizing because I needed my mum to tell me because I have no clue what I’m doing, and also mispronouncing herbs ( like Cumin was come-in, Thyme was THyme (hard TH), Paprika was PAP-RIKA), utensils ( Knife was K-nife, Wisk was that thing that looks like a metal light bulb that was missing parts, fork was fuck)and naming the turkey ( his name was Thomas with a hard TH). I channeled my inner Ramsey, Gordon Ramsey ( I don’t know why but I feel his name should be said Bonds way), Giada ( I smiled a lot), Emerald Legassie… I hope that’s how you spell it ( I BAMMed alot, especially with cheese… I don’t care if I am possibly, maybe, probably lactose intolerant I will still love you!), Paula Deen ( I sometimes had a country accent I don’t know why…ooo I remember every time a stick of butter was used my country accent showed up).

Finally I channeled my inner magical chef, who might have had a British accent mixed every now and then with Spanglish, and some times just straight up rated TV-MA… which I just looked up and it means only mature audiences can view. Yeah… I know SCANDALOUS! What I’m trying to tell you is that I will be winning an Emmy for the most amazing cooking/reality/family show ever!!!

Well you crazy kids… I say good day!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Chef Emily ( wow that has a nice ring to it!)

Not The Cheese, Anything But The Cheese!!

I have found out some terrible news I’m lactose intolerant… ok soooo technically I haven’t been to a doctor and tested and all that good shit, but I webMDed my symptoms and it points to lactose intolerance so I self diagnosed myself which by Google standards says it’s something that is self diagnosable. Anywho for those that don’t understand why this makes me sad let me let you in on a little secret, I LOVE CHEEEESE, all kinds of cheese and I love ice cream and chocolate milk! I have never had this problem before. My body was perfectly capable of digesting lactose and then BAM!!! Out of no where I’m having stomach pains and my tum tum is making weird noises, and I am very well acquainted with my bathroom and my work bathrooms walls (if you know what I mean), AND all these things happen when I have any dairy based foods! I am the saddest panda!! 

This week I’m going to prove that I am either lactose intolerant or I just have some fucked up stomach issues that might need actual medical attention. Obviously I’m not going to do the smart and sensible thing and go to the doctor, what fun would that be. Basically what I will be doing this week is cutting out all dairy products ( meaning cheese because that is the love of my life) to see if I stop having these symptoms. On top of it all my mom decides to make this pasta with a milk/cream based sauce(if you were wondering I’m writing this to you live from my bathroom… sorry that was uncalled for you didn’t need to know this, but I don’t care welcome to my life!). As I was saying that means no left overs for me. 
Well I shall let thee know how my experiment goes. Toodles!! 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Saddest Panda)

P.S. Yes that’s me as a (hot and sweaty ass) panda for Halloween!!!

Don’t Just Say It…Do it!!

So I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf with the help of my Sluttie PIC (Partner In Crime…not a sluttie picture of me you nastys…previously known as Ditzy Doodle). Today we had a very productive day. We went to the movies to see How To Be Single, which we thought was fitting since we’re both single and it’s Valentine’s Day. So yeah it was slightly depressing, but the movie was really funny even though the theater had a little technical difficulties. It was overall a good movie. Now your probably asking where in this story did you decide to turn over a new leaf. Well don’t rush me I’m getting there, GOSH!!

I guess in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I was originally going to talk about the fact that I don’t remember how it is to have feelings for someone. I’m currently in a situation…of my own making in my head, because this person doesn’t know the fucked upness happening in Le Noggin. Anywho so I don’t remember how it is to have feelings for someone because it’s been a long time since I’ve had said feelings. I was talking about this with PIC and she really helped me see that I don’t know how I feel about the person I was previously talking about that has no clue what is going on in my head, sorry I’m babbling. She basically pointed out that I’m scared of rejection, and won’t allow myself to feel anything on purpose…hence why I don’t feel the normal things one would feel if they had feelings for someone. That’s why I’m so confused, because this guy is very nice, funny, and I can be my crazy ass self around him, who wouldn’t want that. These are definitely things you want in someone you would possible want to see where things go with. BUUUUUT because I’ve been burned before I’m basically in a self preservation mode that probably won’t be broken… like ever. God this is so depressing!! Damn you St. Valentine for having a day and making things miserable!

After PIC and I spoke about our emotional baggage and had a smodginal ( this means smidge and inal…NO not anal, get your head out of the gutter… together, I don’t have a better definition because the word is made up…sorry). Any way we had cry fest in Houlihans where we’ve come to the conclusion that we need to stop dwelling on shit that can’t be changed and just go with the flow and do fun activities to keep ourselves preoccupied, so you wont have time to think about shit that’s out of your control. If your asking “how did this idea make your leaf turn? Your already a phenomenal person.”  Oh Sweet Baby Jesus made with extra lovin’, that’s mighty swell of yall to think. Well if you were wondering that; it’s because I don’t go out and  actually do have “emotions” (*shivers* that word gives me the Heebie-Jeebies) …I know Scandalous, but it’s super true. Well as depressing as this was I must leave thee.

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,

Emily (Happy Valentine’s Day!!!)

Worst Week Ever!

Well this week has been a miserable one. Last weekend me and my mom decided to go on a diet. So you know its been a week without any sweets, and all the delicious non healthy things. I don’t mind eating healthier, I like veggies and fruits, and I don’t even mind not having carbs all the time. The thing that is making this torture is what my mother told me on Friday.

Friday night my parents and I went to Outback, my usual reaction would be like hell yeah free food and drinks… buuuuuut then again I’m on a diet and can’t have my Alice Springs Chicken Quesadilla. So I went with steak and some steamed veggies crap, but I was still okay with that because I was gonna have either a big glass of beer or my favorite a frozen peach Bellini (its called a Wally-B Darned but I’m not sure if I spelled it right). As I was saying I was cool not having my usual because I was gonna get my drink on.

Do you want to know what my mother said to me. She said I can’t have any delish alcoholic beverages while being on this diet… Blasphemy!! I felt scandalized, how could she say such horrid things to me. To clarify I asked if that also meant my most beloved Vino, Wine, Deliciousness in a bottle as well. She had the audacity to say yup nothing with alcohol those are empty calories, EMPTY CALORIES!! HOW RUDE. I know right,  how dare my mom say such mean things about something I love. Wine has never did me dirty… I cant say the same for other alcohol related things, because one to many shots and who knows what I’ll do or who I’ll become. But wine, that’s my home girl/home boy/best friends I ever had. I don’t consider wine alcohol; wine is just grape juice with a kick you know grown-up grape juice or something. It does magical things.

I told my mom that I’d just have beer, wine and deeeelish peach Bellini’s for dinner. I didn’t think it was a bad idea, but Mama Moon didn’t approve of this idea. so basically this week really just turned to crap on Friday night when I was told that I’m not allowed to have Alcohol. Whoa is me… What kind of world do we live in that drinking has calories in the first place. don’t even start with the skinny girl drinks, I’d rather drink gasoline then that crap. Well I’m off to have another miserable week. See ya next Sunday.

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,

Emily (I hope everyone is enjoying their wings and other scrumptious foods you’ll be eating on this fine Super Bowl Sunday; while I sit here eating celery and carrots and waiting for the Half-Time show… where you know Queen Bey is going to Slay.)

Scandalous, this is some Rated R Stuff!

I had a moment on Friday where I was in the parking garage at my job sitting in my car contemplating whether I should call out and just drive home. It took a lot of will power to get out of my car. I think if I would’ve had more than 10 mins to decide before having to punch in (And if I had anymore sick days) I might have called out. But alas I went to work and did all those work related things.

At night I met up with a couple of friends, and did the usual shit talking. What you ask is the usual shit talking. Well let me just tell you how our night went. I was the first one to arrive at our destination… You might be wondering why I’m being so secretive; I’m actually not I’m just having trouble remembering where we went I’m sure by the end of this I’ll have remembered. As I was saying I was the first to get to oooo Buffalo Wild Wings and there was about a 15mins to an hour wait. Shit was crazy! Apparently there was sports happening that night and a lot of Zombie Loving people because there was this Zombie thing happening near by. So after about half an hour our little buzzing thing buzzed and we went to sit down, and commenced the ordering of drinks. I was being extra risky and went for a beer I’ve never had before, I don’t know why I was just feeling some type of way. I’ve learned that trying something new isn’t always bad, because that beer was really freaking good (it’s called the American Lager… Yum mm!).

After our last member showed up the shit talking began. It was a broad range of subjects. We talked about our lives and all the shit going on. We talked about the mutual dislike we have for people. We talked about HD T.Vs and the IPhone and all the cool shit smart Tvs can do. We talked about trips we went on, trips want to take and trips were going on.

Of course we talked about penises (but we were much more rated R… We called it the C word… scandalous) we talked about size and there might have been pictures involved. Lastly (mommy don’t read this… STOP RIGHT HERE DON’T GO ANY FURTHER) we talked about how if a woman doesn’t give head she ain’t shit, I know mind blow. Sometimes you just gotta suck some dick. Of course that went into much further detail, buuuuut I think this is where I should let you go.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (of course I’m a good girl, I don’t do those things…I just drink!)

Vino Viernes!

I was having a pretty good night (Was being the operative word) until some little sucka duck pissed me off!!! I shall start from the beginning for thee.

So tonight I went to the movies with two of my slutties… We saw The Scorch Trials, which was fucking amazing… Not only am I slightly obsessed with Dylan O’Brien, but I’m okay I’m extremely obsessed. In all honesty this movie was amazing… If you haven’t seen The Maze Runner go see that one first then go see The Scorch Trials, you shan’t be disappointed! Any way back to my story. So after the movie Boobielicuous and I decide that we Hungry, so we made our way to Applebee’s, because you know half price appetizers after 10pm, and while we were there we saw some peeps and caught up with people.

While we were there these two couples on what look like a double date to me, but they could totes be swingers who knows. Anyway these couples sitting behind Boobielicious were right in my line of vision! And oooo was the PDA on full blast! These mofos have no respect for us lonely motherfuckers. There they were all huggy and kissy and sharing fucking dessert… LIKE WTF, give me a break I’m about to be in tears here being reminded of my singledom! My lonely, broke, lonely singledom.

After I’m already depressed because I’m there with my Sluttie instead of my future Ex-husband, Boobielicious decides she wants to stab me and twist the knife(metaphorically speaking, but ooo did it feel real!!) this WHORE points out that our waiter didn’t even ID me for the Pitcher of Peach Sangria I ordered, which I basically drank the whole thing, I only let Boobielicious have one glass, well that’s what she deserved for inadvertently calling me old and then for literally (must say with British accent) looking in my face and calling me old! Now you know Boobielicious why you are a WHORE and why you only got one glass!!!

At those point I was still having a good night and then this is where this little mofo in the Honda Civic with his little mofo friends come into the picture! These little dickheads were parked next to my Manny, and were just sitting there with their windows down talking shit. So when we got in the car and started to take off this little shit head asshole piece of horse manure takes off at the same time as me!!! And then the little slut bitch cunt licker sitting in the back throws up dueces out the window!!! I don’t know if you understand the anger that was coursing through me!! I was about to do some horrid horrid things to those little fubnuckers! I don’t think people understand that I keep my ghetto locked down at all times, but when you do some dumbass shit like that my inner Chonga comes out and it’s a bitch to lock her up again! Okay I feel better now. I’m sorry for all the profanity today I just couldn’t hold it back.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( now because I’m all worked up I’m hot as hell!)

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)