Where Did My Brain Go?

I’ve done some incredibly nerve-wrecking things and have had some pretty nerve induced moments in my life, but the nervousness I went through last week was insurmountable. Before I get to the shit show that went down last week let me be incredibly modest and just write about all the magnificent things that have happened in my life. It all started when my mom found out she was pregnant with the most magical being to ever exist… ok you don’t need to know that let’s just fast forward through my incredible existence. 

So, I’ve played sports throughout my life and there have been some nail biting moments then, buuuuut I’ve still done more hand shaking hyperventilating type things. I’ve auditioned for multiple singing competitions. “But Emily, why would that make you nervous? You seem like a pocket full of sunshine and merry-go-rounds, and you would never be nervous for anything.” Well I really appreciate the vote of confidence you have in me, but I actually have something called “Le stage fright”. I know right… ME…having stage fright…. impossible. Negator…extremely possible. When it comes to singing in front of people (doesn’t matter if I know them or not) I have some trouble. The only way I can sing in front of anyone and it doesn’t bother me is if we are related (because you can’t get rid of me I will always be a part of your family… bwuahahahaha) or if I’m really close to you. Ooo also I’ll sing to you if you sing with me… I love doing that!. Anywho so yes I’ve auditioned for American Idol, The Voice (*cough* several times *cough*) and X-Factor. 

After all of that I never thought I would be as nervous as I was then. Oooo but was I wrong! Last week I had to do a video interview for this job I applied for. I know right… super fancy! I thought everything was going to be fine I’ve had experience interviewing before, yes it was my first time doing a video interview but honestly how bad can it be. LET ME TELL YOU… it can go horribly horrendously wrong! Once that little light on my laptop went on letting me know the recording had commenced… my whole body froze! When I say my whole body I mean even my fucking brain!!! It’s like I forgot every word I’ve ever learned in my 27 years of life. I’m pretty sure I forgot my name… actually no that was the only thing I remembered because I introduced myself even though they never asked. Eventually I got over my stupor, but it didn’t get any better. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I’m pretty sure I was sweating profusely. All in all it wasn’t great…. possibly the worse experience of my life to date. 

Well I must sleep now because after reliving that interview my nerves are shot.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (if you were wondering I didn’t get a second interview… Momma always told me… you win some, you lose some and sometimes you ruin your own life… just kidding, she didn’t say that I made that up.)

Diets I’ve Tried!

So this topic came about in a special way. I’m actually writing a paper for my class (which is actually due tonight at midnight and I haven’t even started it yet… *sigh* procrastination at its best). What I’m about to write about is what my paper will be about, so I figured no better time like the present than to bring this topic up! Tonight’s topic is about (drum roll please… tatatatatatata 🥁) weight loss…I know I already hate it BUT I must continue on!

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole LIFE!!! I’ve tried every diet under the sun. “Which diets have you tried Emily?” I’m glad you asked you nosey son of B🌙tch. I shall make a list for you and I shall name it The Diets I’ve Tried/Attempted:

1. Atkins: for those of you that don’t know the Atkins diet, it’s basically a protein based diet which means a lot of meats and no carbs. Well that’s how it was when I tried it (mind you it was some time when I was in high school so probably around the age of 14ish). I’m not sure what the diet entails now, but I’ve seen many improvements. The other day I saw some meal bars and frozen foods with Atkins all over it so I’m assuming it’s doing well.

2. “Low Carb”: this one had more carbs than the Atkins a little less protein and a very sad Emily. I shall move on.

3. Jenny Craig(just so you know Jenny Craig is one expensive lady… this b🌙tch high maintenance): I tried Jenny my senior year of high school, and to my surprise it worked for me for a while… I lost a little over 50 lbs or so on this diet and I felt great. With Jenny you have a meal plan prepared for you from your consultant (you buy these frozen meals from Jenny Craig or they have a JC cookbook that you can work with). So you meet with this person once a week or every two weeks depending on how far along in the process you are, and you weigh in and talk about what’s happened that week, why you might not have hit your weight loss goal for that week and where improvements can be made. This worked for me until I went away to college and no longer had the JC meals. And the freshman 15 (you know the weight you gain in your first year of college) well that turn to the freshman 50 because I gained all that weight right back and then some. I was so distraught and disappointed in myself that I kind of gave up at that point in my life.

4. Liquid Base: when I was 21/22 my dad and I went on a liquid diet (NO there wasn’t alcohol involved… you jerk I know what you were thinking… bunch of alcoholics). For breakfast we would have a smoothie, lunch would be a protein shake and my dad went with no dinner and I was like HELL NAW I’m drinking something for dinner. So I would have soup but only the broth. This went on for about a month. This did work for a little while, but then I was like yo I’m peeing every two seconds and I was always tired because I wasn’t getting enough nutrients and shit and I was miserable and moody and I hated myself. Also around this time I was also a vegetarian for about a year at this point. So what I’m trying to say is I wasn’t a happy camper.

5. Weight Watchers: I was about 23ish when I tried this one and it’s a similar concept as Jenny Craig, but less expensive.

6. Paleo Diet: did this for about 2 days and was like fuck this! I didn’t do enough research on this diet I just jumped into it. Not the smartest idea! 

My weight has fluctuated a lot throughout these diets and every diet ended the same well except that paleo one, I really had no clue what I was doing. With the other diets I would hit a plateau, and nothing happened throughout this time in these diets and I was always active. In high school I played sports all year round. When I was dorming in college and even when I was commuting I joined a volleyball and softball league. When I wasn’t playing sports I was working out. I was at a stand still and that’s when all the doubt and discouragement kicked in and I would slowly start eating my feelings. All the progress that was made would go to shit and I would be back where I started or even worse. It’s a horrible cycle to put your body and mind through. 

This past week I’ve taken new strides on this weight loss journey of mine. I attended a weight loss surgery seminar, and made an appointment to see the doctor who held the seminar. This is a pretty huge step for me. I’d thought of getting weight loss surgery for a long time. It was a couple of years ago, but that story is for another time (maybe it’ll be my first episode on the podcast that I’ve been wanting to start… if I get there I’ll let you know). When it came to weight loss surgery I NEVER wanted to do it! I told my self over and over that I can get myself there without having to get surgery. I wanted to do this strictly with just diet and exercise. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. I’ve tried for years (about 13 years to be exact) to live a healthier life and lose weight and most importantly keep the weight off. Nothing has worked for me and I’m not getting any younger. I’m getting closer and closer to that age where my mom started having kidney issues. 

Mother’s side of the family has Polycystic Kidney Disease and my mom and both her siblings have either done dialysis or in my mother’s case has had a kidney transplant. My fathers side of the family ain’t no picnic either. On his side I have diabetes and colon cancer to worry about. And I have ovary issues since I was 19 (I think I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but I technically haven’t been diagnosed, but when you constantly be having cysts on your ovaries.. I feel like it’s a given). So I’m pretty much f🌙cked if I don’t get my shit together. With these diseases looming over my head I have to act now while I’m still young and relatively healthy to make sure I stay that way. When you’re younger you don’t think about these things, but now that I’m older and I can really see and understand the toll these diseases take on your body… I don’t want any part of that. If having this weight loss surgery and using it as a tool (I learned this phrase from the seminar… I’m such a good student) to better my health and possibly decrease the risks of me inheriting any of the medical issues, I have to continue on this path that I’ve started. I’m extremely scared and nervous, but after seeing first hand the successes in my friends weight loss surgery journeys… I’m also looking forward to this next step in my own story.

That’s all for now!Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( this one was a lot longer than I thought it would be… it should count for 2 Sunday’s… nah mean)

P.S: Life As A Moon has its own Instagram. For updates on the blog and hopefully the podcast and just some random stuff I post on there follow me @lifeasamoon 

Raging Lunatic? Possibly.

Soooo I’ve found out some serious sh🌙t about my self! When I’m around flies I turn into a raging, vicious fly murdering psycho. “Emily, how did you find this out?” Well ”tis the season of gnats (please pronounce with a hard G) and other flying insects and some of them decided to take up residence in Mi Casa (my house). Yesterday I finally bought a fly swatter and I have been having a grand ole time with it. BUT before I had this swatter I was killing these mofos with my bare hands! Three things have come about because of these invaders. 

1. My reflexes are on another level!!! I see one of those mofos flying around and the next thing you know the woosh (that’s the sounds of my hand flying through the air) Gnat dead! So for that I thank thee intruders.

2. My eyesight and focus are amazing! I can follow those fast flying little f🌙ckers around the room. I just wait and watch them until they land some where and BAM!!! You dead little Gnat!! So thank you for making me better at life.

3. I’m slightly paranoid that the ones I haven’t killed are plotting against me to take over! That’s really my driving force, what if I don’t kill them and they decide to ban together and form one big ass GNAT and attack me and my family! All them little f🌙ckers gots to go… THEY GOTS YO GOOOOO! It’s me or them. Survival of the fittest Bitches!!!

Well now that you all know I’m a raging lunatic I shall be gone now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,Emily (quick tip I figured out that if you wrap your fly swatter with tape it’s easier to kill the flies, that way they don’t have a chance to escape through the little slits in the swatter part… nah mean! 😈)

P.S … Ooooo how I wish there was a fly swatter big enough for those alt-right, white nationalist, racist bigots! I must digress and think peaceful thoughts because Game Of Thrones is on in less than and hour and I must be mentally prepared. 

Happy New Year!!!

I have a new motto for the new year! You know how people say New Year, New Me… well mine is a little different and it goes a little something like this. New Year, Same me with possible improvements, mmmm probably not. I know this sounds so negative but give me a chance to explain myself sheesh!

I have goals set for the New Year for my self personally and professionally. For instance, I want to better myself by living a healthier life and all that good shit. BUUUUTTT, I also want to be less lazy and experience life more and I don’t just mean by doing extravagant things or traveling I just mean, say yes more and actually follow through. I have a perfect example of what I’m talking about please see conversation below for reference. (This conversation started with me asking Royal Blue and Indigo what they were doing that night and Royal Blue and I decided that we were going to have a Vino Viernes… because it was Friday on Christmas Eve Eve when this convo went down and we both wanted Vino, you get the point… so this is what transpired about 2 hours after we decided what we were gonna do. If you don’t know how iMessage works I am the blue text bubble)
See what I mean that is something I want to improve. I don’t want to have questionable commitment ( ok well not all the time, like sometimes you just need to be less committed). We ended up not hanging out that weekend but we did get together this last Friday on New Years Eve Eve and had a little too much to drink but I have to say it was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while and even though I had a pretty bad hangover I’m glad we did it. Royal Blue and I decided that come 2017 we will live our lives, we will do more things and just get out there because we’ve both experienced loss in our lives within the past 2 years and we feel like we really need to just be, and find ourselves even though I know that sounds so cliche, but it’s a cliche for a reason!

Even though I want to do more things this year I still have my little pessimist on my shoulder telling me not to get ahead of myself, which is the reason for my new motto. Yes I want to make changes, but they might not happen, BUUUUT IF THEY DO then it’s a win win either way! I know you’re probably judging the shit out of me, BUUUUT I don’t care!!
Well Ta Ta for now!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily🌙 ( I hope everyone has a magical New Year!!!)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday! No matter what your holiday is a time to celebrate!! Oh *NSYNC you guys just know how to bring out the joy in all!!!

For those that don’t know, us Hispanics celebrate Christmas Eve… Christmas Day is just a day for leftovers and us chillin out maxin and relaxing all cool just shooting some B-Ball outside of the school… sorry sorry I went to far with that one. 

So Christmas Eve my family and I dressed in onesies: I was Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, my brother was Batman. My cousin was Pikachu, my mom was a Snowman and my dad was some green thing we thought maybe a caterpillar but as the night progressed he started looking more and more like a pea pod. Any who we played Midnight Taboo and it was the funniest shit ever! My dad is fucking HIGHlarious! This guy was playing three games in one. If my brother couldn’t guess what he was trying to say he would start playing Taboo Espanish mixed with a little bit of charades. It was magical!

Today Christmas morning I’m here in my room listening to my new record player… watching my cousin play on my PS4 and my brother lay on my watching videos waiting for 12 to come so me and my fam can go watch Assassins Creed! YAAAASSSS!!! Well that’s all I have for today I’m gonna go stuff my face and listen to some of my Vinyls!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all you crazy kids!)

La Loca En La Cocina!

So I started a cooking show (Started Wednesday ended Thursday) called La Loca En La Cocina which means The Crazy Woman in the Kitchen ( my mom made this title up and at first I was like damn you think I’m crazy, but as the night…I mean show progressed I understood). Anywho for Thanksgiving I helped my mom cook the most delicious food that anyone in the world could ever eat made by the best chef in the world…. ME!!! Just so everyone knows I have no clue how to cook, I just watch a lot of food network so basically I’m a professional. What and how was this show done? Good question random person. What I did was basically repeat everything my sous chef ( aka my mum) told me to do to the live studio audience (aka the wall above my stove). I had special guests come on the show like my brother, my cousin and my daughter Taily ( for those that don’t know she is my doggy daughter and her name is pronounced Tie-Lee… don’t ever fuck her name up she gets very upset and I can’t deal with her mood swings!).

My show consisted of me yelling at my sous chef for telling me what to do and then profusely apologizing because I needed my mum to tell me because I have no clue what I’m doing, and also mispronouncing herbs ( like Cumin was come-in, Thyme was THyme (hard TH), Paprika was PAP-RIKA), utensils ( Knife was K-nife, Wisk was that thing that looks like a metal light bulb that was missing parts, fork was fuck)and naming the turkey ( his name was Thomas with a hard TH). I channeled my inner Ramsey, Gordon Ramsey ( I don’t know why but I feel his name should be said Bonds way), Giada ( I smiled a lot), Emerald Legassie… I hope that’s how you spell it ( I BAMMed alot, especially with cheese… I don’t care if I am possibly, maybe, probably lactose intolerant I will still love you!), Paula Deen ( I sometimes had a country accent I don’t know why…ooo I remember every time a stick of butter was used my country accent showed up).

Finally I channeled my inner magical chef, who might have had a British accent mixed every now and then with Spanglish, and some times just straight up rated TV-MA… which I just looked up and it means only mature audiences can view. Yeah… I know SCANDALOUS! What I’m trying to tell you is that I will be winning an Emmy for the most amazing cooking/reality/family show ever!!!

Well you crazy kids… I say good day!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Chef Emily ( wow that has a nice ring to it!)

To Vote or Not To Vote?

Before I get into what I wanted to talk about I just wanted to tell you a little story. 

A couple of days ago (Thursday just in case you were wondering what day I don’t want anyone distracted from my story thinking the whole time… “gosh darn it what day Emily, What day? Don’t leave me in this kind of suspense”… so for all you Curious George’s (and when I say George I don’t mean people specifically named George… I’m just referring to the little monkey in the yellow raincoat and hat) out there… it was this past Thursday).

So as I was saying a couple of days ago I went to Sista from anotha Mista’s( I honestly don’t remember how I originally spelled her name so it could also be Sister from another Mister) house because we watch Greys and I also go to spend time with my Nephew and Niece (and yes I consider myself their aunt because as her name clearly states we be sisters! In conclusion I am their aunt… so stop questioning me.. gosh!). Anywho as we were watching tv my niece was sitting on my lap and going through the pictures on my phone (don’t worry it was totally PG stuff… I always delete the naughty pics… which I should really go through my recently deleted folder). As my niece (lets call her Charlotte) was going through my pics she found photos of herself and her brother (lets call him Emilio), and her reactions were the cutest ever I just wanted to eat her little nugget face. Then she landed ( or I might’ve showed her) a picture of Derek Jeter ( don’t judge me I’m sure I had that photo there because I was just telling someone how much I love him or some other totally logical reason) while she kept looking at it I told her that that was her Tio (uncle) and she believed me and now for the rest of her life she’ll believe that her Tia (aunt) Emily is married to Tio Derek Jeter… well until her mother spoils that dream for me because she’s not the biggest Derek Jeter fan, but I will continue to show Charlotte that picture of Jeter and continuously remind her that he is her Tio. 

Now on to what I wanted to write about. Throughout this presidential race people have asked me who I was voting for, and to be completely honestly I had no clue until a couple of days ago. I feel like I didn’t know enough about what was going on to make an educated decision, and actually I still don’t. I know, I know that’s horrible I should know what’s going on not only in the world, but especially what’s going on in my country. 

Because I don’t know what each candidate represents other than the more outrageous things that certain candidates have said and done, I decided to base my vote off of common sense. I feel between these two candidates I’m going to vote for the the one who has experience in politics, someone who’s actually been in situations where tough decisions needed to be made for our country. Being the President of the United States is like any other job… first you start off as an intern and then work your ass off to get to that top position and learn everything you possibly can along the way. So based off that alone I know exactly who I’m voting for. I’m voting for the candidate who worked her way through the political latter to get to where she is today. 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( I already know that Derek Jeter is married, but I don’t care I will always love him!)

It’s official… I’m In Love!

“I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing… I’m ALIIIIIIIIVE, I’m aliiiiiive I’m aLIIIIIIIIIVE, I’m aliiiiiive!” Gosh darn it Sia I love you!!! If you haven’t listened to Sia’s This is Acting album then your crazy! I’m alive and bird set free speak to me… It’s freaking magical!

Any who’s Ello Loves. It was a pretty fantastical weekend for me. Fine all right already I’ll tell you. I met someone. And it’s not just anyone, but I thinks it’s THE ONE! I know I didn’t expect it either but when you know you know, and ooo do I know. We fell inlove so fast I can’t even believe it myself, and believe me I’m slightly cynical so it’s crazy.

So we met Saturday like mid morning at a Honda dealership. Such an unlikely place to find love but in our case it just makes sense. Anyway at first I wasn’t sure how to approach it, but eventually I grew some cojones (balls) and was like “hey, how are you? I think we can be really great together” ( I know so forward of me, but sometimes you just have to go for it… You know). Then we just went driving for hours… We went to the mall, target and then five below (love this store it’s kind of addicting so be careful). We just made a day for us… And it was truly magical. I want everyone to meet the love of my life ( for about the next 2 and a half to 3 years or so) Betty!

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Gosh that was such a romantical love story. I should really just write for a living. Ooo thanks for bring that up…By the by I’m thinking of starting another blog, but that one would just be for some stories that I’ve written. I haven’t decided when I will start it, but it’s in the thinking and planning stages right now. So you know it’ll happen eventually.

Well that’s all I got I’m just going to stare at Betty’s picture lovingly now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( naming Betty was hard for me… My mum and I went back and forth between Barry, Barry Blanc (must say with French accent) and Betty, but Betty just felt more lady than lad… Nah mean!)

Ps. Happy National Sibling Day!

One Year Anniversary!

I know your probably thinking “this freaking amazing woman forgot to post again”, but I did not. This time it was intentional for a special reason. One year ago today I started this amazing journey of writing a blog. You got it people, it’s Life As A Moon’s one year Anniversary! Yay! We made it! In honor of this momentous occasion I’m going to tell you a little story.

This blog had been in the planning stages for a couple of years… I’m not exactly sure how many but I know it was a couple. You see I’ve always loved to write, but only for fun, once I have to write for an assignment it’s over I hate it. Anyway I remember one day I was having (I think it was) lunch at a dinner with Frover, and we were talking about different things about what we thought our lives were going to look like at that point. I was telling her that I thought I would’ve been done with school and starting my career, and just knowing who and what I was going to become. In truth I was no where near done with school. I had this hatred towards school. I believed it was pointless for me to be going because there was nothing worth my time and money. There was nothing that I was passionate enough to make me want to stick through it. For me to feel those things had me in a bad place for so many years. I constantly had this negative pattern of thinking, and it wasn’t healthy for me.

At that point I had never told anybody how I felt about the path my life had taken or how I felt lost, and what Frover told me that day is what ultimately made my decision to start this blog. She told me( and I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember it word for word) to just write, forget about school and forget about everything else that makes you unhappy. She basically told me to do me. I don’t think I ever told her because I was trying not to sob uncontrollably in the middle of this dinner, but I want to say thank you to her. Even though it took me years to get the courage to actually start my own blog (because I was scared that people would judge me) I finally did last year and look at me now… It’s my One Year Anniversary!! I guess it just had to be at the right time in my life for me to just feel like fuck it, I’m going to do what I’ve always loved to do and finally have a place where I can go to be myself, and most importantly not give a flying fuck what other people thought of me. I remember what I told to myself before I posted my first post ( and yes I talk to myself). If people read this and they like me and what I have to say then that’s Awesomeballz in a can filled with Awesomeness, but if they don’t…oh well you can’t please everybody.

Thank you Frover for being my proofreader, my psychologist, my supporter and most importantly my Sluttie for life… Love you!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( holy bananas this year flew by!)

Worst Week Ever!

Well this week has been a miserable one. Last weekend me and my mom decided to go on a diet. So you know its been a week without any sweets, and all the delicious non healthy things. I don’t mind eating healthier, I like veggies and fruits, and I don’t even mind not having carbs all the time. The thing that is making this torture is what my mother told me on Friday.

Friday night my parents and I went to Outback, my usual reaction would be like hell yeah free food and drinks… buuuuuut then again I’m on a diet and can’t have my Alice Springs Chicken Quesadilla. So I went with steak and some steamed veggies crap, but I was still okay with that because I was gonna have either a big glass of beer or my favorite a frozen peach Bellini (its called a Wally-B Darned but I’m not sure if I spelled it right). As I was saying I was cool not having my usual because I was gonna get my drink on.

Do you want to know what my mother said to me. She said I can’t have any delish alcoholic beverages while being on this diet… Blasphemy!! I felt scandalized, how could she say such horrid things to me. To clarify I asked if that also meant my most beloved Vino, Wine, Deliciousness in a bottle as well. She had the audacity to say yup nothing with alcohol those are empty calories, EMPTY CALORIES!! HOW RUDE. I know right,  how dare my mom say such mean things about something I love. Wine has never did me dirty… I cant say the same for other alcohol related things, because one to many shots and who knows what I’ll do or who I’ll become. But wine, that’s my home girl/home boy/best friends I ever had. I don’t consider wine alcohol; wine is just grape juice with a kick you know grown-up grape juice or something. It does magical things.

I told my mom that I’d just have beer, wine and deeeelish peach Bellini’s for dinner. I didn’t think it was a bad idea, but Mama Moon didn’t approve of this idea. so basically this week really just turned to crap on Friday night when I was told that I’m not allowed to have Alcohol. Whoa is me… What kind of world do we live in that drinking has calories in the first place. don’t even start with the skinny girl drinks, I’d rather drink gasoline then that crap. Well I’m off to have another miserable week. See ya next Sunday.

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,

Emily (I hope everyone is enjoying their wings and other scrumptious foods you’ll be eating on this fine Super Bowl Sunday; while I sit here eating celery and carrots and waiting for the Half-Time show… where you know Queen Bey is going to Slay.)