Congratulatory Ass Slap!

I want to know who decided the best way to congratulate a teammate is by slapping their ass.

I can imagine that first person who did it was probably just trying to give his/her teammate a pat on the back but when they were about to they tripped over their own foot and while they were falling their hand was still in the ready position to pat said teammate on the back but because of the momentum of their body ended up slapping their teammates ass. Classic.

Now imagine said teammates reaction to having their ass slapped, they were probably scandalized and then figured their teammate that slapped their butt did it because he/she wanted to make him/her feel special and gave them a special pat on the lower region of their back (aka their ass). When in reality the teammate that slapped the other teammates ass was just trying not to do a face plant. It was all just a mistake but the rest of them team already saw it and were like yes this is how we should congratulate each other from now on because it’s super special!

Ooo what I would give to be the only lady on any sports team full of delicious men. Even if they messed up I would still slap their ass so they know I’m trying to make them feel special about themselves. And of course I would want the same respect I have given them, I would even bend over and say “guys didn’t I do a great job today” with a huge smile on my face. Hehehehe when I said that to my mom yesterday she laughed looked and my dad and said “did you hear what your awesomely whorish daughter said” (I might have tweaked what she said just a little).

It’s about that time again… Peace and Chicken Grease!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (since were on the sports subject… I LOVE DEREK JETER!)

Un-Vino Viernes…Sober Sally!

So I’m being super boring today and I am not drinking! I know I’m such a loohooo ser-er (when reading that just think Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura Pet Detective). I’ve decided because I drank Vino on Wednesday that I can have a pass on Friday. Also because I didn’t buy a bottle of vino nor did I have an alcoholic beverage at dinner tonight… So I’ve decided to stay Sober Sally, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be sober… I hope someone out there is carrying of the Vino Viernes tradition and is getting they’re drink on and have a drink for me please, I’d really appreciate it.

On to more interesting things… These past couple of days… Actually weeks I’ve been super duper emotional, and it SUCKS BIG WALRUS BALLZ!!! I…excuse me my brother is texting…BRB (be right back… for those not up on the AOL/AIM lingo).

Okay I’m back… gosh he’s so freaking annoying! As I was trying to say before my brother rudely interrupted; I have either been crying my eyes out or I get a little watery eyed, and it’s for the stupidest reasons. It’s not really anything cry your eyes out worthy. Well except these freaking videos of soldiers reuniting with family…that gets me every time… I sob like its nobodies business, and it’s a real loud ugly cry man. Ooo gosh another thing that made me cry the other day was this video of people doing nice things for one another. Holy Chocolate Chip Cookies… I cried a freaking river.

So there are different types of cry’s I have discovered in these long and emotional weeks. I’m pretty sure I’m just super sensitive because I have like a hormonal blockage or something. This shit can’t last, right? Any way back to what I was saying. These are my types of crys. Damn that was beautiful cry…where you just attempt a smile but cover it with three fingers and either shake your head or nod. There’s also the extra ugly (because no one looks cute crying…you like scrunch up your face trying to hold it in…its not pretty) any who that gut wrenching cry…where you can barely catch your breath…I usually get these when I see those really sad dog commercials… you know the ones with that song in the back ground “in the arms of an angel”…UNCONTROLLABLE SOBS. I literally have to change the channel or else ill go broke trying to adopt all those beautiful animals…even the cats and I’m not the biggest fan of cats! And finally it’s the your not going to let these people at your job see you cry Emily one. This one is me hiding the fact that whatever news story I just read made me want to cry, so I lean my head back open my eyes wide and blink until I have dried my eyes.

Today I teared up at least six times, fours times at work because the news was really hitting me in the lady gonads today, and finally, twice about and two hours ago at the movies. Boobielicious and I went to the movies to see Aloha… which was great I absolutely loved it!!! In the movie there’s a scene where Rachel McAdams cries and I felt my eyes glisten. Anytime Rachel cries you have to cry because she’s so freaking good at it!! Rachel is the only one that cries pretty…the only one! I love Rachel McAdams!!

Okay I’m done telling you about my crying fits. Now on to something super freaking weird. I had a dream the other night where I was stuck in a 21st century Romeo and Juliet. You remember the Romeo and Juliet version with Leonardo Dicaprio, where they had guns and all that jazz. Well my brains version was much worse. Mine had…I’m assuming… my boyfriend and his family living on one side of a it’s either a football or baseball field and my family living on the other side. Our families hated the idea of us together that they started shooting at each other. Not just with regular handguns, these mofos had skilled snipers and AKs. Shit got serious; it felt like a scene right out of The Purge. While our families are fighting, my boyfriend and I are running away and doing some pretty awesome parkour stunts.

Either I’m completely bat-shit crazy, and this is my minds way of slowly breaking down on me or I’m a FREAKING ARTISTIC GENIUS. I wonder if we’ll ever find out. Well I’m done for tonight…see you on the flip side.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I think all these tears are making me lose my mind)

 

Ps. I had Chili’s for din din tonight and they have to most DEEEEELISH cheese things (I don’t remember what they’re called)…holy Hannah Montana they were freaking amazeballz!

Cinco De Mayo!!

I know, I know it’s May 6th now but what evs bruh.

Yesterday some weird shit happened to me. I woke up thinking I was in some type of Zombie Apocalypse. I roll out of bed looking for my Zombie Survival Kit, which includes: my rifle with extra ammo, machete, cargo pants, hiking boots, extra pairs of socks (because everyone knows you need extra socks just incase your feet get wet…derf you need to change your socks…I learned from countless War related movies), of course my Hunger Games Bow and Arrow is in my kit…if you were wondering I have Katnis Everdeen Skills (well that’s what the archery game I play on my phone tells me). So when I fully woke up I was like WTF am I doing and what year is it? I must have had some extremely realistic Zombie dream. Some might think it’s a nightmare…not me, I think I would be freaking amazing in a Zombie Apoclypse. What I’m trying to say here kids is you should not play The Last of Us, well really any Zombie or other Apocalyptic type of video games before going to bed…because shit got real for me.

So after my brush with the zombies that morning, this overwhelming need to be extra Hispanic came over me. Don’t get me wrong I’m super proud to be Hispanic, but if you really got to know me you would understand that I’m probably less Spanish than my Irish friends, truth. So as I was saying, I was feeling real Spanish yesterday…and I had no clue why. So I went on with my day jamming to my entire collection of favorite Spanish artist… from iHeart… because I don’t have an actual collection because you know I’m super American. Anyway I finally realized that the spanishness seeping through my veins is because it was Cinco de Mayo. No I’m not Mexican, I’m Dominican, but Hispanic is Hispanic nah mean… and I do love anything that is celebrated by drinking. Salude (cheers).

So on Sunday I was walking into the living room and I saw a commercial for DWTS (Dancing With The Stars) and just in case you didn’t know I might be slightly obsessed with Derek Hough…I mean DWTS, hehehehe. So when I walked into the living room my mom was there and I started breaking out my super AWESOME dance moves. You know I was Tangoing, Paso Dobleing (I think I spelled it right besides the ING at the end)… keeping my frame up…yea that’s right I know some dance terms. As I was showing my mum my mad dance skills (which I think I would definitely get a 10 from LEN and the other judges) I asked her “I could totes be on dancing with the star…right mum?” her response was “Yea, but you have one problem…you need to be a star”. I know right…HURTFUL!! I had some choice words for her like, you big meanie… you’re my mother!!!

OOOO before I forget…so today was supposed to be my first time as a Juror. When I first got the summons I was like, are they crazy they can’t give me this kind of power. I can’t handle the pressure what if I send an innocent person to jail for not paying their street sweeper ticket. Those freaking street sweepers are freaking annoying, they don’t clean shit… They just push it to the other side of the street. Sorry I got side tracked, okay so after I got used to the idea of being a juror I thought… “This is gonna be pretty awesome I can’t wait to say, You just got Lawyered!! Suckas!!”. I’m pretty sure the Supreme Court heard my thoughts because as soon as that popped into my head I got an email saying I wasn’t needed anymore! Rude, after all the preping I did.

On that note, Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I.

Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What’s poppin tonight? (Nelly, you my Dude!)

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Happy belated Cinco de Mayo)image1-2

I won the Lotto… Or I thought I did!

Soooo today I’ve decided to tell you the time I thought I won the lotto! A couple of weeks ago I had this crazy dream that I won the Cash 4 Life (when you win $1,000 a day for the rest of your life…pretty freaking sweet!!). I know I was freaking jumping off, I mean literally jumping off the walls. I was practically levitating, that probably should have clued me in that I was dreaming, but my dream felt so realistic. You know what else should have helped me realize that I was dreaming; was the fact that after I looked at the numbers on my lotto ticket and realized I won, my bank account balance became rather large extremely quick (which of course I wasn’t complaining). I’m pretty sure though that that’s not how it works. Like I don’t think the NJ Lotto Department (whatever the heck they’re called) has your bank info and just direct deposits the money to your account…or does it, because I’ve never won so I probably shouldn’t be talking all this caca.

In my dream I was feeling extremely generous. I paid off all my parents bills, they’re house, they’re cars, I paid off all of they’re debt and I sent them on some extravagant vacation. Another reason I should have known this was a dream…not that I wouldn’t do all that for them because I would in a heart beat if I had the money, but I know that Daddy Moon wouldn’t be caught dead on an air plane. If he can’t drive there he ain’t going (his words not mine). As I was saying I was feeling so generous that after I paid off all of my bills and all that school loan debt…(Dear Sallie Mae, I hate your sinking guts, you make me vomit, you’re the scuuuum between my toes. Love (Hate you) Emily… I freaking love The Little Rascals). What the heck was I saying again…ooo right so after I paid off all my stuff I decided I would pay off my brothers’ debt and pay for my cousins tuition. I know what your thinking… Gosh Darn it even in this wonderful womans dream state she is still the kindest, most generous, most AWESOME soul you’ll ever meet in your freaking life. I wish I could meet her, she sounds amazeballz. The next morning when I woke up, Ladies tell’em I woke up like this…I woke up like this…FLAWLESS (thank you Queen B…Beyonce for those of you that don’t know…and you should be ashamed if you didn’t know who I was talking about… shame shame shame), sorry you should know by now I can’t help breaking out into song and movie quotes
(it’s the tiny Performer I keep in my pocket that just needs to be let free). So when I woke up I was so freaking excited I went straight from my phone, you’d think I’d check my bank account…NOPE, I checked Instagram first… I’m telling you Instagram is a drug, and I’m a freaking addict!

Any who after I checked Instagram, and realized at 6:30 in the morning people are usually still sleeping and no ones really Instagraming (should there be two M’s..Instagramming?), I checked my bank account super excited to find all this dough…TO HAVE MY DREAM SHATTERED… I was just as broke as I was when I first went to sleep. What a freaking horrible way to start off your day, am I right? And on top of everything else it was Monday and that on itself is a suckfest. After I convinced myself not to throw my phone across the room (because obviously it wasn’t the phones fault that my bank account didn’t know that the dream should have been real…I’m totes not over it if you couldn’t tell), so I talked my self off the ledge, and started wondering what I would really do if I won the Lotto. I hope that I can be just as good a person as my dream self was. I know I would definitely do anything and everything I can for my parents, but I hope I can somehow help other people in need, that would be an amazing feeling. Well thanks for getting through this re-telling of my dream… your lucky, my dream used to be much more detailed when I was younger. I would’ve had you here for days.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Still broke as hell…but loving my life)

PS. What would you do if you won the Lotto? (ponder that, shall we)