Not The Cheese, Anything But The Cheese!!

I have found out some terrible news I’m lactose intolerant… ok soooo technically I haven’t been to a doctor and tested and all that good shit, but I webMDed my symptoms and it points to lactose intolerance so I self diagnosed myself which by Google standards says it’s something that is self diagnosable. Anywho for those that don’t understand why this makes me sad let me let you in on a little secret, I LOVE CHEEEESE, all kinds of cheese and I love ice cream and chocolate milk! I have never had this problem before. My body was perfectly capable of digesting lactose and then BAM!!! Out of no where I’m having stomach pains and my tum tum is making weird noises, and I am very well acquainted with my bathroom and my work bathrooms walls (if you know what I mean), AND all these things happen when I have any dairy based foods! I am the saddest panda!! 

This week I’m going to prove that I am either lactose intolerant or I just have some fucked up stomach issues that might need actual medical attention. Obviously I’m not going to do the smart and sensible thing and go to the doctor, what fun would that be. Basically what I will be doing this week is cutting out all dairy products ( meaning cheese because that is the love of my life) to see if I stop having these symptoms. On top of it all my mom decides to make this pasta with a milk/cream based sauce(if you were wondering I’m writing this to you live from my bathroom… sorry that was uncalled for you didn’t need to know this, but I don’t care welcome to my life!). As I was saying that means no left overs for me. 
Well I shall let thee know how my experiment goes. Toodles!! 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Saddest Panda)

P.S. Yes that’s me as a (hot and sweaty ass) panda for Halloween!!!

Speed Racers!!

I had a fun little adventure today… Okay okay it wasn’t necessarily an adventure, but I’ll take what I can get. Any who, I had to go to my doctors office to pick up some papers, but the office closes at 6. Which isn’t bad, but my friends, the plot thickens… I get out of work at 5… Dum Dum Duuuuuuum…( thank you Tim… That was B.E.A.UTIFUL, I’ve missed you, I haven’t been using my musicians lately… And I’m very sorry for that guys). That’s not the only dilemma…the thick plot thickens again, I work at least half hour away from my doctors office and that’s on a no traffic day. Today was TRAFFIC CENTRAL!!! I’m telling you, once people see a drop of rain fall… It’s like their minds just shut off the part that knows how to drive.

I was behind soooooo many stuuuuupid people, that shit was bananas… BANANAS! One thing that made me laugh was that one of the stuuuuuuupid people was my Tio Platypus. If only he heard the obscene things I was calling him.

Anyway back to my story… At this point I look at the time and it says 5:45, and I was still about 15mins away from the doctors office. It was a race against the clock!!! It was intense, the whole time all I heard was the mission impossible theme song (dum dum dumdum dum dum dumdum… Pa nana pa nana… Dum dum dunna) shit got crazy! I started bobbing and weaving and I think I might have drifted. I just want to take this time to thank Grand Theft Auto for teaching me how to drive like a maniac… Ooo and also the movie Need for Speed, because I still had the adrenaline coursing through me after watching the movie on Sunday.

Okay sorry back to the story… At this point it’s like 5:55 and I’m stuck at the longest red light known to life!!! It felt like it took years off my life, but it was only really like a minute. Light turns green and I take off almost taking a pigeon with me ( I’m sorry pigeon!), I make a right, then a quick left, then another right…it’s now 5:58… I pull up to the doctors office my tires screeching. I got out of the car and run up the stairs… I ring the bell and……… ( the dots are to build up suspense) they let me in. As I opened the door I glanced at the hours of business thing hanging on the door, and this shit says they close at 7!!!! That franking bitch I called this morning said they close at 6!!! I spadidled (drove extremely fast) like a crazy person, almost became a pigeon murderer, and called my uncle horrid (must say with British accent) names! That freaking bitch! Now I’m here outside parked outside my house waiting for someone to get home because I managed to lose my keys somewhere in my house! Ooo Mommas home…I’m out, I gotta pee real bad!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the next star in the Need for Speed movie… *Wink wink*… Just in case they make a second one… I’m totes down)