On this weeks episode my friends/my slutties/my main bitches joined me in talking about everything we could think of. There was some DR stories, some NOLA stories and a lot about tits, dicks, ass and we played a little game of “Whats Dat Song?”.
Instagram: @lifeasamoon and @em_ily421
Follow the links below to come and listen!
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/life-as-a-moon/id1485767206?uo=4
https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy9mYjhmYmI0L3BvZGNhc3QvcnNz
As the amazing Sam Cooke would say…”It’s been a looooong, a long time coming but I knooooow a change gon come… oh yes it is.” With that said, I’ve decided to change this blog into a podcast. I know right, I’m super cool. The podcast will keep the same name as the blog and the same format… even though we all know that there is no structure what so ever on this thing. But on the podcast you’ll get to hear my voice. And just like I like to sing on here for you, I will being singing on the podcast as well. Will it be the best singing you’ve ever heard… possibly, I don’t know what kind of singers you listen to. Or will it be the worst singing ever recorded in the world… probably. But you know what I say…Fuck it! I’m gonna did it anyway.
Oh online dating has struck again. You would think after all these “interesting” conversation I’ve had that I would learn my lesson and give up on this online dating thing. I just can’t kick this bad habit. I’m sure people have found love online and all that jazz, but it’s just not working out for me. Maybe it’s because I’m doing the free dating apps because I’m too broke to actually pay and actually meet someone who isn’t cray or likes to send me dick pics on the reg. Is it too much to ask for that first time someone messages you it isn’t a shot of their appendage (nah mean).
There is one up side to online dating, and that is it has consistently given me something to talk about. So I guess there’s that. In this segment of The World of Online Dating, we will be introduced to two very special human beings.
First up is a guy who just cut straight to the chase. Please see below so you know what I mean.
I mean I know what a freaking prince! For him to just offer to call me so that I can here him relieve himself to my pictures was something I’ve always dreamed my future hubby would ask me. So precious.
Now for the doser. This guy really did a fucking 180 on me. I thought that this would possibly turn into something fun. Before this incident that you are about to read, we were having a great conversation. I even spoke to this guy on the f🌙cking phone. I hate talking on the phone. When we spoke on the phone the first time we had a pretty good conversation, keep in mind it was during my lunch and we only had about 15mins to talk so I couldn’t fully gage his crazy. Our second phone conversation(in the same day mind you) was on my drive home from work. Don’t worry it was through the cars hands free shit, so I was being a safe driver.
I had asked him why he moved to NJ from NC. And that’s when it went to shit. He thought it was rude of people to ask why he’s here, when I was just asking out of curiosity because I would’ve stayed in NC (no offense to Jersey, I love it because I was born and raised here, but if I had the option I would most likely move). So he finally decided that he wanted to tell me about he’s reasonings and his last relationship being the main reason for his move. Let me tell you it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows so I understood his need for a change (but Jersey?, there’s 49 other states). At one point during our conversation I was having trouble hearing him so I told him I’d talk to him later because I couldn’t hear him. After I hung up I texted saying I really appreciated him telling me about his past (mind you I don’t give a flying fuck… which I guess is mean but whatevs). He responded asking me if I was judgmental because he felt that I was because he thought that it was convenient for my phone to start acting up after he told me about his past. I replied apologizing that he felt that way but that I am the least judgmental person, and that I could careless what happened in his past.
So about an hr after that I’m with Sluttie McSlutterson and we’re having dinner and he decided to text me. So I told him what I was doing and didn’t really reply because I WAS. HAVING. DINNER! So this exchange is what transpired after that. Please read below.
If you don’t know what a double negative is please re-evaluate your life. If I don’t say so myself I was very nice to this guy. I could’ve been a bitch but I reeled it in. Well needless to say I blocked him!
That’s all for this segment of The World of Online Dating!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I really should give up on this shit, but I just have some much fun writing about it)
I’m hearing that this Justin Bieber album is amazing… Idk how I feel about this I might actually have to go and buy this dudes album. If I buy it I’ll let you know if I must stop drinking the haterade and become a Belieber ( which I highly doubt but I might end up disliking him less).
Any way on to today’s topic. I’ve been thinking of starting a podcast… I have no clue what it would be about, buuuuut I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. A couple of months ago I mentioned this to my parents and brother, and right away Papa Moon and Snot Rocket (my brother) were like YAAAAASSSS we should do that! When they said this I was like hold up what’s this We nonsense you speak of… Of course that was said in the comfort of my noggin not to be said aloud. Anyway we ( when I say we I mean my dad, my brother and my self… My mom just sat there shaking her head most likely thinking “these freaking idiots”) were super excited about this so I starting looking into different “podcast kits” on Amazon; because we were gonna start the best podcast ever because obviously were a HIGHlarious family. Like every other family, group of people or friends that think they’re the funniest people they’ve ever met… We started to talk about how funny a reality show of our family would be. Of course because this was going to happen we were already thinking about the fact that we would only be able to be aired on like HBO, STARZ, Encore idk one of those channels that allows cursing without being bleeped out because then our whole show would be a modern day silent film because we curse that much. So yea HBO, STARZ or Encore or even Pay Per View if your looking to start a reality show about a very Americanized Dominican Family (well besides my dad he’s full blow Dominican) that are from a town where it’s constantly thought to be in New York, but we’re not from NY were from fucking New Jersey how many times do I have to tell you this!!! Sorry I got a little carried away… Anywho if your looking for anything like that let me know I’ve got the perfect family for you *wink wink*.
If you were wondering I never bought any of those podcast kits I saw but I think I might get it for myself for Christmas or even a Record Player that I saw in Target and maybe some Vinyls so I can listen to them on my brand new record player that I’m thinking of buying my self for Christmas… Or even the PS4 bundle I saw in Sam’s Club with The Uncharted Trilogy or a new Labtop because my other one is no longer working. That was my subtle way of letting you know any one *cough* Mother, Father, Brother *cough* that might be reading this what I was thinking of “buying myself” for Christmas.
Well that’s all I have for now… I’ll let you know how that Bieber album is; if I buy it which I probably am because I’m hearing really great things. Damn you Biebs!!!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Is it to early for my Christmas wish(want) list?)
So what had happened on Wednesday went down like this. On my way home from work I told my self I was going to eat dinner real quick then take a quick power nap. It was all supposed to be fast. The next thing I know my first of five alarms went off and so yea what I’m saying is that I totally fell sleep on Wednesday hence why I didn’t post anything. I told my self ill just do a quick post on Thursday buuuuuuut I was like nah I’m not going to mess up my rotation. Now on to the main events…Wine, Vino, Du Vin. Todays wine is Barefoots Merlot, I cant remember if I’ve already tried this one but I’m alittle on the broke side and this was the only thing that was in my house soooo Merlot it is…and please its pronounced Mer-Lot, okay thanks. This is another dry wine, and this one has an actual grapey taste, I know wine is basically smooshed grapes’ (this apostrophe was the only way Microsoft Word would let me leave my incorrect sentence structure…so the apostrophe must stay) by people’s nasty ass feet. I might just be talking caca because I put a generous amount of Sprite in my glass before I even took a sip of the wine. I am THE worst wine drinker ever!
I’m going to give you a recap of the past week. I realized on Sunday that it was both a good and bad idea watching San Andreas two weeks (at the time of this thought…it is now one week till California…yay!!) before going to Cali. The bad reason is because I scared the shit out of myself, like why would I do that to myself I’m such an asshole. The good reason is I now have somewhat of an idea on what I should do to survive some shit like that. For example I should get to higher ground, find land lines to call my dad and let him know that I got out of a car in an underground parking garage because of the British boy and his younger brother that I befriended (when I say befriend I mean fall in love… obvi), don’t trust Mr. Fantastic because he’s not going to help you out of said car, stay away from falling glass and light poles, and watch out for big ass holes that might swallow you; the most important one is I really have to get my holding my breath underwater for a really long ass time game up. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson you taught me well, my mom can now rest easy. By the way if you didn’t see the movie you probably shouldn’t read this paragraph there are a lot of spoilers… just saying.
On Tuesday I realized a lot of things the first one is that it only takes me about 8 songs to get to work, but that’s only on those extremely lucky no traffic days. Secondly, McDonalds McfingGriddles are super addicting, only get one if you have enough self control to not buy one every day for a week in a half for breakfast…clearly I failed on this one, so now I have to find a completely different way to work without passing by McDs (which is hard because it’s a block away from my job). Also, I use the little microphone button on my phone to help me spell all the time. Lastly, every time I get a glance at my shadow I’m always like “damn girl your eyelashes are long as hell”, but then I look in the Mirror and I’m like “But where did you go?”
Wednesday morning I was listening to Elvis Duran and the Morning Show and they were talking about when they went crazy town on people for the stupidest/smallest reasons. I automatically thought of the time I flipped out on my brother for taking my phone charger. I rarely get mad and I don’t count road rage as getting mad because honestly when you sit behind the wheel you become a psychopath, but one of the people that can get me so angry at the drop of a hat is my brother. The day I went text crazy on him was already a bad day for me and for me to come home with my phone on 10% battery life and no charger in sight I just lost it. I texted him everything in the book that I know would piss him off. I know it was stupid that it was just a charger, but when your already having a shitty day the smallest thing pushes you over the edge. This is a warning for all you brothers out there with sisters, we remember everything and I mean EVERYTHING, and when you least expect it we will (as Dane Cook likes to say) mind ninja the shit out of you. On that note I say good day.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (don’t mess with your sisters…shit will get deadly!)
I want to know who decided the best way to congratulate a teammate is by slapping their ass.
I can imagine that first person who did it was probably just trying to give his/her teammate a pat on the back but when they were about to they tripped over their own foot and while they were falling their hand was still in the ready position to pat said teammate on the back but because of the momentum of their body ended up slapping their teammates ass. Classic.
Now imagine said teammates reaction to having their ass slapped, they were probably scandalized and then figured their teammate that slapped their butt did it because he/she wanted to make him/her feel special and gave them a special pat on the lower region of their back (aka their ass). When in reality the teammate that slapped the other teammates ass was just trying not to do a face plant. It was all just a mistake but the rest of them team already saw it and were like yes this is how we should congratulate each other from now on because it’s super special!
Ooo what I would give to be the only lady on any sports team full of delicious men. Even if they messed up I would still slap their ass so they know I’m trying to make them feel special about themselves. And of course I would want the same respect I have given them, I would even bend over and say “guys didn’t I do a great job today” with a huge smile on my face. Hehehehe when I said that to my mom yesterday she laughed looked and my dad and said “did you hear what your awesomely whorish daughter said” (I might have tweaked what she said just a little).
It’s about that time again… Peace and Chicken Grease!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (since were on the sports subject… I LOVE DEREK JETER!)
“Do you recall not long ago we would walk on the sidewalk…Innocent. Remeber? All we did was care for each other…but the night was warm. We were bold and young. All around the wind blows. We would only hold on to let go… Blow a kiss, fire a gun. We need someone to lean on. Blow a kiss, fire a gun. All we need is somebody to lean on!!!” I abso-freaking-lutely love this song… It just gets me going. This would be the song I listen to to start my day, it just make me happy! By the way that songs name is Lean On by DJ Snake and Major Lazer.
Anyway, a couple of days ago I was sitting in my room watching chiropractors adjust (aka crack… I watched so many I learned the lingo) people’s backs, necks, hips and feet. Practically everything that can be cracked was cracked and it was the most glorious thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Not only did it look like it felt incredibly amazing , but the loud cracking sounds was like music to my ears. When I crack my bones and I hear that loud pop I just have this deep soul quenching amazingness feeling seep through my body, like my work is complete… It’s thee best. You know what is almost at the same level but not really, is watching other people get parts of there body cracked… Omg I love it!!!
Ooo your gonna think I’m even weirder than you probably already do. I know you probably thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse… Weeeeellll it’s about to. So I LOOOOOOOVE watching people get their pimples popped!!! Ahhhh I know it sounds B.A.N.A.N.A.S, but it’s the truth. I have no clue what it is about it I just get so excited! And the bigger the pimple the better it makes me feel… I think I just like the feeling of being grossed out. At least I know I’m not the only one, my sluttie Royal Blue feels the same way I do. I think that’s one of the many reasons we love each other so much. We’re like two pimples in a pore…you get it like two peas in a pod but like way grosser… I’m pretty sure grosser is not a word, but I don’t care deal with it!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( two days till Canada!!!!!)
Ps. This is what my YouTube home page looked like!
Just finished watching the movie The Giver… All I gots to say is… EVERYONE MUST WATCH THIS! I don’t care if it’s not your kind of movie… Dooo it!!! Okay okay maybe I should tell you a couple of things to persuade you to watch it!
1. I said it’s amazing and that should be reason enough… I joke I joke… But seriously watch it it’s really good.
2. The main character (played by Brenton Thwaites) is absolutely gorgeous… Although I thought he was like 16ish turns out he’s actually 26 (thank the lord for that).
3. Brenton Thwaites is Australian… And also plays Prince Philip in Maleficent… Nuff said.
4. Jeff Bridges… Loves him!!!
5. The goddess of all Meryl MotherFing Streep… Hellur!!!
6. Cute babies all over the place
7. It can be a total mind fuck, which I love!
8. Eric Northman (Alexander Skarshard) is still a beautiful creature… If you don’t know Erin Northman you better get up on that True Blood!
9. If movies aren’t your thing, this movie is based off a Book by the same name… And if the movie was this good… The book is probably 20 times more amazing (as books usually are).
10. T. Swizzle, Tay Tay, Swifty, my home girl Taylor Swift makes a 10 minute cameo! So what are you freaking waiting for!!!
I just told my cousin Saca Moco that I wasn’t gonna write about the movie… I lied I wanted to keep him in suspense!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just so you know it’s hot as the Devils sons armpit in this freaking room)
My imagination is on another level sometimes! I’m not going to lie though, having such an active imagination is where most if not all my creativity comes from. Well that and being awesome… It’s really a toss up between the two.
Why do I bring this up you ask… Well today at work when I was walking to the bathroom I started thinking that I was some secret agent and the bathroom is a hidden way to get to the secret headquarters where all the spies go and congregate, and receive their missions. Once that thought popped into my head I was like WTF is wrong with me… It’s just a normal bathroom crazy! While I was sitting there doing number 1 (you know the pee pee) I realize I do this a lot. I’m not sure if it’s because of all the movies I watch that I start thinking I’m living out a scene; it’s not like I’m acting this shit out, there’s nobody in my head calling cut… It’s really happening in my head in vivid detail.
That’s one of the reasons I don’t like to watch scary movies… It’s not even the movie that freaks me out, I fucking scare myself. I imagine scarier shit than anybody can come up with and that never goes away!!! After I watch a scary movie I feel like I can’t trust anything. One night I went into the bathroom (maybe it’s the bathroom that’s messing with my head) and I turned on the light and pulled the shower curtain back as fast as I could to make sure nobody was there. The other day I was a Sluttie McSluttersons house and when I was walking back to my car and where I parked was in like the darkest corner ever under a tree… I saw twenty thousand different scenarios in my head from every possible scary movie. So I unlocked my car and jumped in (because if you’ve learned anything from a scary movie never longer too long) and turned around to make sure nobody was there to shank me and then I looked in my rear view mirror just in case that mofo got in after I turned my head. Mind you we weren’t even watching anything scary, we were actually planning our trip to Canada! I’m telling you my imagination is going to give me a freaking heart attack one day.
There is one thing I love about it though, when I read books I can see everything I read as if it was really happening in front of me. That’s one of the reasons I love reading more than watching TV. I like seeing the things my mind comes up with. I feel like it’s also I sign of my rebellious nature to not want to see what other people want me to see… It’s a problem, and I might be slightly crazy! Well there you have a little snippet of what goes on in my cranium.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just so you know I make believe that I’m actually writing to you from the moon… Don’t judge me!!)
So I’m being super boring today and I am not drinking! I know I’m such a loohooo ser-er (when reading that just think Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura Pet Detective). I’ve decided because I drank Vino on Wednesday that I can have a pass on Friday. Also because I didn’t buy a bottle of vino nor did I have an alcoholic beverage at dinner tonight… So I’ve decided to stay Sober Sally, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be sober… I hope someone out there is carrying of the Vino Viernes tradition and is getting they’re drink on and have a drink for me please, I’d really appreciate it.
On to more interesting things… These past couple of days… Actually weeks I’ve been super duper emotional, and it SUCKS BIG WALRUS BALLZ!!! I…excuse me my brother is texting…BRB (be right back… for those not up on the AOL/AIM lingo).
Okay I’m back… gosh he’s so freaking annoying! As I was trying to say before my brother rudely interrupted; I have either been crying my eyes out or I get a little watery eyed, and it’s for the stupidest reasons. It’s not really anything cry your eyes out worthy. Well except these freaking videos of soldiers reuniting with family…that gets me every time… I sob like its nobodies business, and it’s a real loud ugly cry man. Ooo gosh another thing that made me cry the other day was this video of people doing nice things for one another. Holy Chocolate Chip Cookies… I cried a freaking river.
So there are different types of cry’s I have discovered in these long and emotional weeks. I’m pretty sure I’m just super sensitive because I have like a hormonal blockage or something. This shit can’t last, right? Any way back to what I was saying. These are my types of crys. Damn that was beautiful cry…where you just attempt a smile but cover it with three fingers and either shake your head or nod. There’s also the extra ugly (because no one looks cute crying…you like scrunch up your face trying to hold it in…its not pretty) any who that gut wrenching cry…where you can barely catch your breath…I usually get these when I see those really sad dog commercials… you know the ones with that song in the back ground “in the arms of an angel”…UNCONTROLLABLE SOBS. I literally have to change the channel or else ill go broke trying to adopt all those beautiful animals…even the cats and I’m not the biggest fan of cats! And finally it’s the your not going to let these people at your job see you cry Emily one. This one is me hiding the fact that whatever news story I just read made me want to cry, so I lean my head back open my eyes wide and blink until I have dried my eyes.
Today I teared up at least six times, fours times at work because the news was really hitting me in the lady gonads today, and finally, twice about and two hours ago at the movies. Boobielicious and I went to the movies to see Aloha… which was great I absolutely loved it!!! In the movie there’s a scene where Rachel McAdams cries and I felt my eyes glisten. Anytime Rachel cries you have to cry because she’s so freaking good at it!! Rachel is the only one that cries pretty…the only one! I love Rachel McAdams!!
Okay I’m done telling you about my crying fits. Now on to something super freaking weird. I had a dream the other night where I was stuck in a 21st century Romeo and Juliet. You remember the Romeo and Juliet version with Leonardo Dicaprio, where they had guns and all that jazz. Well my brains version was much worse. Mine had…I’m assuming… my boyfriend and his family living on one side of a it’s either a football or baseball field and my family living on the other side. Our families hated the idea of us together that they started shooting at each other. Not just with regular handguns, these mofos had skilled snipers and AKs. Shit got serious; it felt like a scene right out of The Purge. While our families are fighting, my boyfriend and I are running away and doing some pretty awesome parkour stunts.
Either I’m completely bat-shit crazy, and this is my minds way of slowly breaking down on me or I’m a FREAKING ARTISTIC GENIUS. I wonder if we’ll ever find out. Well I’m done for tonight…see you on the flip side.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I think all these tears are making me lose my mind)
Ps. I had Chili’s for din din tonight and they have to most DEEEEELISH cheese things (I don’t remember what they’re called)…holy Hannah Montana they were freaking amazeballz!
Life As A Moon 