Puppy-Love and Stalkerish Tendencies.

I’m back and creepier than ever. When I say creepier I mean it in the most wonderful way it can possibly sound. You know what Ixnay on the creepier-ay… I could possibly be the next CIA/FBI/Secret Agent/Detective/007, honestly any of those would work that’s how good my (I don’t want to say stalking but if the shoe fits) investigative skills are. I shall give thee a little story on the person you are about to learn about. 

Once upon a time there was a pre-teen (or maybe even teen-teen) and she went by the name of… umm let’s just say she went by the name of… you know what her name was Emily and it was me. Any who this pre-teen/teen-teen met a boy through her neighbor and bestie at the time…we are no longer neighbors nor are we really friends anymore you know how that goes, you get older one of you becomes a little, how you say, sluttie when we were slightly (way) too young for it, so the other one (me) kind of just gradually cuts the sluttie one out of her life. I know I know it was a real sh🌙tty thing to do but I was fucking 14 or some sh🌙t and I didn’t know how to handle it so shut your face and listen to the rest of the story! (We’re still friends in Facebook if that counts)So Emily was introduced to this boy named Garry… his name was Garry with two R’s. So Emily and Garry become really good friends and the best part about this friendship was that his younger cousin lived up the block from her house. They got to hang out all the time and of course Emily fell into puppy love with Garry (with two R’s). This “love” was so serious that practically everyone on the block knew of Emily’s feelings for Garry. As the days went by the kids on the block would play football, tag, manhunt and just hang out on the steps. All of a sudden Garry tells Emily that his family is moving to California. Emily’s little teenager heart was broken she didn’t know how to deal. She had never told Garry that she liked him liked him, so she simply told him that she’d miss him and to keep in touch. 

A year or so passes and Emily is no longer friends with the neighbor that had once been her bestie. Emily is now a freshman (I think) in high school and has somewhat forgotten about her puppy love and is crushing on other boys from her school and some not from her school. One day she had gotten home from I think it was softball practice and she was just hanging out in front of her house eating string cheese, when a boy that looked oddly familiar was walking up the block. Emily just stared at this boy trying to figure out who he was. Meanwhile the boy was also looking at Emily as well. With their eyes locked he continued his trek up the block.

This story is getting really long so what I’m saying is, that boy she saw was Garry and he’d moved back to Jersey and apparently had been back for a while. So Garry and Emily started to hang out again but then his family moved again and I haven’t seen him since. This is where my investigative skills come into play.

While I was awake in the middle of the night (a couple of days ago) when I should’ve been sleeping… something reminded me of Garry (it could’ve been the fact that I was watching SpongeBob and Gary the snail ( 🐌) slithered around the pineapple). The next thing I know I’m googling Garry (with two R’s) lo and behold there he was my Garry just 12 years older and still looking a little like J-Boog from B2K (if you don’t know who B2K is… you may leave right NOW!! j/k you can stay just google them so you get the picture). What I found was not something I liked.

Apparently Garry has a family. He has two kids and a girlfriend and lives somewhere that is not New Jersey. So the moral of this story is… don’t go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to I know that your gonna have it your way or nothing at all but I think your moving to fast… LISTEN TO MEEEE (sorry I couldn’t help myself and by the way that was waterfalls by TLC if you didn’t know). Anyway moral of the story is you should probably go to sleep at a decent time so you don’t Instagram stalk the kid you were in love with when you were just a wee little lass. You won’t like what you find even though you should be over him because honestly Emily it’s been 12 years since you last saw him what the f🌙ck did you expect.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (once upon a time Mrs. Garry with two R’s)

P.S. Happy Early Independence Day/ 4th of July!!!

LA LA LAND!!!

Although Los Angeles was our (Myself and Sluttie McSlutterson) home base during our week California/West Coast Adventure, we were probably there for maybe two full days. We did a lot of traveling this trip… we might have overdone it for a one-week trip, but we couldn’t help ourselves.

Today is about my LA adventures… After we got back from San Francisco (at like 2am mind you…Never take the scenic route no matter how much you want to see the ocean.) the following day we scheduled a tour. It was called A Day in LA Tour, it wasn’t exactly what I was expecting; after looking at the pictures and reading the reviews I was expecting the tour to be like a bus party with some random LA facts and some sight seeing (and maybe even alittle bit of Celebrity sightings), but it was just some facts and sight seeing. It was nice getting to see Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive, Griffith Park, The Hollywood Sign and the Walk of Fame, but it was kind of blah. Maybe it was the other people on our tour…which were basically from everywhere in the world. There were Australians and New Zealandians….New Zealians? Anyway that was the first time I heard and Australian/New Zealian accent in person… it was pretty awesome.

I don’t know why but LA wasn’t what I thought it was going to be… I was hoping I was going to see a bajillion celebrities like at least some D list ones and I got nothing… NOTHING!!!! I still get to check it off my list, and hopefully the next time I go I can actually spend more than two days exploring…then maybe I would find more fun things to do. Welp that’s all I got or tonight I gotta get ready for Arrow that’s starting in two minutes.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (by the way Santa Monica is super Awesome!!! That was where we were supposed to spend most of our trip)

 

 

San Francisco I Love You!!

 

“If your going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.” You sing it Scott Mckenzie. If you haven’t noticed today is San Francisco day.

So we (Sluttie McSluttersons and I) technically started our California adventure in Los Angeles and ooo what a day it was. We landed at around noon west coast time which is like 3pm normal Emily time. Any way the day before we left for our trip I checked the LA weather so I don’t sweat my face off when we land. Because it was rather cold in Jersey and it was going to be super duckin nova hot in LA,  I compromised and wore shorts and a sweater for the plane ride over there. I figured I’ve seen people from California wear sweaters in that blistering heat and they look perfectly fine. Soooo I figured I’d be good I’m wearing shorts! OOOOOHHHHH was I wrong, as soon as I stepped out of an air conditioned airport it was like the defrost was turned on full blast and my titties started to melt!!! I had swamp titties for the majority of my LA stay… Just in case you wanted to know.

Any who onward we go… Our San Francisco trip started very early we got up Sunday morning at around 5am wired and we were wondering why we’re so awake and then realized it’s freaking 8am in our east coast set minds. As I was saying we started our road trip rather earlier well because, you know and if you didn’t now you do, it’s like a 6 hour drive… And ooo did we see a lot on that drive there were so many mountains and farms and some more farms a couple of gas stations and then we finally made it to The Bay Area!!!

When we got to San Francisco we first attempted to find parking not a successful 2 hours. After parking the car we headed to the Fisherman’s Wharf where I had the BEST CLAM CHOWDER IN A BREAD BOWL, EVER!!! We explored the Wharf a little more, it was so beautiful, we got to see the trolleys that I’ve seen in so many movies and TV shows. When I first saw it of course the first thing I wanted to do was jump on and hang off the side like in the opening credits of Full House, but apparently that’s a big no no… They don’t allow that so obviously dreams were crushed, but it was still pretty awesome to see. The next morning is when we got to see THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, and it was as amazing as I’ve always thought it would be!!! No joke the bridge was pretty much the only reason we drove 6 hrs there and about 12 hrs back to our original destination (LA). If you ever drive to San Fran don’t take the scenic route back the LA!!! That was the worst decision we’ve ever made… Yes there was a lot of beautiful scenery, but once it gets dark and your in the middle of the Big Sur shit ain’t so pretty anymore! I’ve decided though the next time I go to San Fran I’m definitely going for a couple of days and I might not come back because I’m completely in love, but before I move I need to get my cardio game up because those hills are bananas!!!
It’s been swell until next time!

Love Ya From the Moon and Back,
Emily ( “If your going to San Francisco, your gonna meet some gentle people there.”)

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Vino Viernes!!

Hello, it’s me… I’ve been back from California for about two weeks… Sorry I had to because Adele is back!!!!!!! If you haven’t heard her new single Hello then you better… And just be ready for a lot of feelings to arise. OOOO Adele how I’ve missed you!! Where you been all my life!!!

Any way…. I’M BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!! I know I’m two weeks late but what had happened was laziness over took my life and I didn’t know how to return. I was originally going to start up again on Wednesday, but I heard the most horrid news ever!!! DEREK JETER IS FREAKING ENGAGED!!! How dare he think he can be happy and get engaged without talking things out with me!!! I’ve been by his side since I was SIX YEARS OLD!!! That’s 19 and half years wasted!!! So clearly I was heart broken and haven’t been myself for the past couple of days. Thank god today is VINO VIERNES… Well it honestly doesn’t matter because I’ve been drowning my sorrows since Tuesday with my strong ass Canadian Wine ( you like how I just threw that in there uh uh… I know I’m good). Now that that chapter in my life has ended, well unless he becomes single again… Cuz you know I’m jumping right back in love with him. Who am I kidding I will forever be EMILY-ANN JETER!! I do have to give homeboy props because future wifey is HOTT, and if this 25 years old (me) can’t have him then I grudgingly pass the reins on to that 25 year old (Hannah Davis). Ugh what hurts the most is that she’s my age!!!

Moving on there’s a lot of California/West Coast stuff I’m going to be writing about for the next few days so I decided to break it up into each city I visited. So the Line up for next weeks post will be hopefully as follows: Monday San Francisco day, Wednesday Los Angeles/ Santa Monica day and Friday Las Vegas day. A lot of fun stuff and not so fun stuff happened. So I’ll see (well not really see but whatevs) you on Monday. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Love Ya From the Moon and Back,
The real Mrs. Jeter (just so you know I will never be over Derek JETER getting engaged… NEVER!!

Ps. Although I’m a Yankee fan I want to say… I hope the Mets win the World Series…LET’S GO METS!!

Vino Viernes!!

This whole week has revolved around getting ready for my vacation, I like to call it prepping for Cali week. The following is what was done to prepare for California: getting my nails and toes done, buying the last couple of things I forgot to get, getting my hair done, packing, and finally taming the caterpillars on my lower forehead right above my eyes aka eyebrows.

Prepping week started off on Saturday when I went to get my nails done did. Me and my momma dukes went to a new place, and don’t get me wrong they did a really good job but that shit was expensive and they were having a 40% off sale… Imagine how much that shit is at regular price… Scandalous!!!! Also the second most awkward situation is when you get your nails done and while they’re drying your manicurist gives you a back rub and they’re hurting you more than relieving back ache and you don’t know how to say can you fucking stop your hurting me without being a bitch so you sit there in pain pretending that it feels really good… I think I should win a freaking Oscar for making my lady believe she gives and amazing back massage.

Next was getting my toes done. I love getting my toes done , but girl when they get to scrubbing it tickles like a mofo, and apparently my pedicurist is a drill sergeant giving me orders and shit… Stretch! Switch! You have ugly toes… Gasp hurtful!( so she didn’t say that but she was definitely thinking it).

Now please tell me I am not the only one that curses out my eyebrow lady in my head at a very loud inner head voice? If the lady that does my eyebrows could read my mind I wouldn’t leave with hair any where. Well, Tonight I’m toasting to my future adventures in California with a glass of Sutter Homes Sparkling Pink Moscato… As you might know I’m a BareFoot fan but I didn’t have to pay so I’m a Sutter Home lady tonight.

Ps. I’m taking a two week hiatus so I’ll see you guys two Vino Viernes’ from now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (California here I come!!)

Damn You Elevator!

I’m having this craving for coffee and I don’t understand why. I’m not a big coffee drinker I prefer tea, but this coffee craving is taking over. It’s like everything I see is coffee, in the TV shows everybody’s drinking it. I feel like every commercial I’ve seen today was either Dunkin Donuts, Folgers, or Starbucks (I might be lying about this one I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Starbucks commercial). Anyway I just thought you should know that I’m craving a nice big cup of coffee preferably Iced French Vanilla light and sweet from Dunkin Donuts… Just in case anybody wanted to buy me one or whatever.

I’m sure most know by now that I’m a little on the weird crazy random thoughts side so this should not come by surprise, anywho the other day when I was in the bathroom I saw a fly and my first instinct is to slap it away because it was in my personal space. After I slapped it away I started to wonder what the fly was thinking, so of course I’ve created a list for you… Thoughts of a Fly:
1. WTF why are you trying to kill me?
2. What have I ever done to you? Stop it, leave me alone.
3. Aye I’m flying here!
4. I wonder if this car will give me a ride on its wind shield (obviously flys are super smart and know what a car and wind shield is… If you didn’t know this then you should go watch the movie A Bugs Life)
5. Hey stop trying to slap me I’m just trying to fly but you keep putting obstacles in my way.
6. I vant to suck your blood, bwuhahahaha (this is how the Vampire Fly aka Mosquito would sound)

Now I would like to end today with a little bit of knowledge. The most awkward situation/ place you will ever be in is an elevator. People trying not to make to much eye contact, or trying not to be to close to one another, or the lack of personal space, and the worst part is being that person who’s waiting for an elevator and when it finally gets to you but it’s full to the point some Final Destination shit can happen and everybody in the elevator just looks at you with pity in their eyes because you now have to wait for the next elevator to come while those bastards get a head start to getting to their cars and getting home before you would get to your house and it has nothing to do with the fact that they might live closer than you and has everything to do with the fact you were that loser who couldn’t be on that first elevator because there were a thousand people already on there… Damn you!!! So don’t mind my run on sentence I don’t believe in proper punctuation I feel like it kills creativity… I’m just saying.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( it’s either 2 or 3 days till Cali I feel like I shouldn’t count today because it’s basically over already… Right?)

Hallmark Movie Star!

So I found out a few things about myself these past couple of days (basically yesterday and today, not really that many days it’s really only one day). The most important thing I figured out is that I want to be an actor. Buuuuut it might not be for the same reasons others want to be actors. Some people do it because it’s apart of who they are they love to entertain people and all that good stuff. Don’t get me wrong I love to entertain people I feel like that’s why God was like home girl it’s your turn go the to the next available stork and have them take you to your new life of being crazy awesome and spreading your awesomeness to the world. Yes that’s how babies are made, I refuse to listen to my mother tell me otherwise it’s disturbing and eeeeeewwwww. As I was saying I don’t want to be an actor to be apart of an amazing film and win myself an Oscar, although that would be awesome balls (I literally have to do the cheer AWESOME to help me remember how to spell it… I’ll give you a little snippet if you don’t know how it goes… A W E S O M E, awesome awesome awesome are we! Yeah! let’s got Tigers! Sorry I got a little carried away). The reason I want to be an actor is so that I can be a Hallmark Movie Star! I freaking love all Hallmark Movies especially the holiday ones, those are the best. How did I get to this amazing career choice you ask… Well I was watching a new Hallmark Movie last night and thought I wanna be in a Hallmark Movie and fall in love the way these people fall in love and have it last forever and ever or until the credits roll.

Then later on I figure out that I hate driving, well I’ve known I’ve disliked driving in certain occasions, but the worst part is that if I’m not driving I get car sick! It’s the freaking worst! You’d think I’d be super happy that I don’t have to drive, but then this nauseous feeling comes over me when the car starts moving so then I still have to drive or I’ll throw up all over the place. I remember this one time I had to have my dad pull over because I couldn’t handle it anymore! My mom thinks it’s because when I’m in a car either in the passenger or back seat, my brain automatically clicks into driver mode and my brain doesn’t understand that I’m not the one driving and it’s telling me to stomp on the brake because the person in front of us brake lights are on and the person that’s driving us around is not slowing down and they’re going to hit the car if we don’t STOMP ON THE BRAKE NOW (while my foot is actually stomping on the floor like I actually had a brake there)! So yea that’s what goes on in my head when other people are driving. Maybe that’s why I feel sick or it could be that my brain is trying to tell me that we have telepathic powers and I was trying to control the driver and that is what makes me sick… Me thinks it’s the second one, but who knows. Well Ta Ta for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( 5 days still CALIFORNIA!!!)

Vino Viernes!

Tonight I’m drinking wine out of a box!!! This is some classy ass shit!!! It has one of those little push buttons that those big jugs of water have but with wine!!!! It is also the first time I have ever drank wine out of a box and I’m so excited! So the wine that I am drinking is from Black Box Wines and it is Cabernet Sauvignon. Thank the Lordt I bought that Sprite cuz holy shit this is dry as hell! Even though this wine might have won 40 gold medals I’d rather have my Sweet Red from Barefoot!

I’m Not a religious person at all, but yesterday I was watching people’s reaction on TV to Pope Francis’ arrival and it was very emotional. Just seeing their faith was really beautiful. What had me crying was when Pope Francis was in the cathedral and stopped to give a little girl a hug and then when he stopped and gave another little girl I’m a wheel chair a hug… What!!!! I couldn’t stop those tears.

On a lighter note, Me and my mom just spent about and hour or so in target. Which is pretty good for us because I think I can spend days in there and never be bored, but when ever I do come out I’ll have to owe Target my first born. I went to target to buy some things that I would need for my trip to California!!!! Yaaaaasssss!!! Which is 2 weeks away… I’m so freaking souped… Sooped… How do you spell that again, I haven’t used this word in forever. Any way what I’m trying to say is that I’m extremely excited! As I was saying I went to Target with a goal in mind… Buy a carry-on bag and a bottle of Sprite just in case I wasn’t a fan of the boxed wine. There are still a whole bunch of other shit I need to buy, but I forgot to write a list at least I remembered the luggage.

So we find the carry-on bag and are roaming through the isles until we stubbled upon the Halloween decorations. We found this skull that records whatever you say, so we basically spent the majority of our time recording lines from the movie “This is the End”. It was freaking highlarious I even recorded it and sent it to my brother. My mother and I are not allowed to go to Target anymore, we got lucky this time that we didn’t buy to much shit because we forgot a cart and were to lazy to turn around and go get one.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Target- proper pronunciation “Tarshay”. Don’t forget it!)

Ps. Big Booty Judy you will get your day I promise!

Ugh… Monday’s… Blah!!

First I want to start by saying… T-minus 4 days till CANADA!!! Yasssss!!! We coming for you Canada… I’m so freaking excited. Even though I will only be on my mini vacation for three days I still had to go buy an outfit or four… Don’t judge there was a sale, sales are my freaking kryptonite.

What I was trying to say is no matter how long ( or short in my case) your trip is, I feel like it’s cardinal rule that one must buy brand new outfits. You don’t want new people to see you in your old cloths… Even though They wouldn’t know the difference, you know the difference and that’s all that matters! So moral of the story is buy new cloths when going on a trip, it’s apart of the vacation experience!!! I can’t wait for California in October, that trip is a week long soooooo you know I’m gonna buy a crazy amount of cloths!

I’m sorry but I gots nothing else to say and I’m gonna go have me some pizza rolls… It’s been swell, deuces!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (ugh Monday’s are the worst!)

Vino Viernes!!

CALIFORNIA LOVE (intro to California love by sir Tupac)…And no I ain’t been to MIA I heard that Cali never rains and New York’s heart awaits…If you’re going to San Francisco, Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair, If you’re going to San Francisco You’re gonna meet some gentle people there…I’d be safe and warm I’d be safe and warm) If I was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.) California dreaming (California dreaming) On such a winter’s day, Okay I know it’s summer but deal with it! I’m going going back back to Cali Cali, so technically this will be my first time going to California… But I feel like I’ve been there in my dreams; that should count for something.

If you haven’t realized, by my beautiful medley of California inspired songs by different generations and genres of music… I’m going to California!!! YASSSSS!!!! It’s official people Sluttie McSlutterson and I will be going to Cali for a week!!!! I’m so freaking excited!!! We are gonna be the biggest freaking tourist L.A., San Fran, San Diego, and maybe Vegas has ever seen. Yes I know Vegas is not in Cali, but honestly when your that close to Vegas how can we resist. It would be a crime for us not to go to Vegas at least one night while we’re out west.

I think the thing I’m most excited about is being able to say that I was in the Pacific Ocean. I know totes nerdy, but I don’t give a Flying farting pigs ass!!! Even if it’s considered “too cold” to go in the ocean over there, I’m fucking going in… Even if it’s just my big toes IDC. I want to say that I have been in both the Atlantic and motherfing Pacific Oceans!
Anyway as the time for my trip approaches, I will probably mention random things along the way! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!

Today I’m sad to report that I did not have any “vino”. BUT I did have me some Piña Colada!! I hear from a source that no one knows about that Piña Colada is considered the Vino of all pineapple based drinks. Soooo there you have it… Those are the facts that I was told from a little birdy that works with a lot of Pineappley things. That’s all I have for you tonight.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I wonder if Californians have a different slang than New Jersians… They probably do, it’s probably way more chill that’s in Jersey)

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