It’s official… I’m In Love!

“I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing… I’m ALIIIIIIIIVE, I’m aliiiiiive I’m aLIIIIIIIIIVE, I’m aliiiiiive!” Gosh darn it Sia I love you!!! If you haven’t listened to Sia’s This is Acting album then your crazy! I’m alive and bird set free speak to me… It’s freaking magical!

Any who’s Ello Loves. It was a pretty fantastical weekend for me. Fine all right already I’ll tell you. I met someone. And it’s not just anyone, but I thinks it’s THE ONE! I know I didn’t expect it either but when you know you know, and ooo do I know. We fell inlove so fast I can’t even believe it myself, and believe me I’m slightly cynical so it’s crazy.

So we met Saturday like mid morning at a Honda dealership. Such an unlikely place to find love but in our case it just makes sense. Anyway at first I wasn’t sure how to approach it, but eventually I grew some cojones (balls) and was like “hey, how are you? I think we can be really great together” ( I know so forward of me, but sometimes you just have to go for it… You know). Then we just went driving for hours… We went to the mall, target and then five below (love this store it’s kind of addicting so be careful). We just made a day for us… And it was truly magical. I want everyone to meet the love of my life ( for about the next 2 and a half to 3 years or so) Betty!

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Gosh that was such a romantical love story. I should really just write for a living. Ooo thanks for bring that up…By the by I’m thinking of starting another blog, but that one would just be for some stories that I’ve written. I haven’t decided when I will start it, but it’s in the thinking and planning stages right now. So you know it’ll happen eventually.

Well that’s all I got I’m just going to stare at Betty’s picture lovingly now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( naming Betty was hard for me… My mum and I went back and forth between Barry, Barry Blanc (must say with French accent) and Betty, but Betty just felt more lady than lad… Nah mean!)

Ps. Happy National Sibling Day!

Final Destination…Baby?!?!

I know I know this post is super late, but what can I say I got lazy.

Today I had this weird déjà vu feeling come over me when I was driving to work. When I finally got to work I realized what it was… I had pictured a scene from final destination. I know your probably extremely confused, so I’m gonna break it down for you. The whole way to work this morning I was surrounded by trucks. At one point I was in the middle lane with a truck hauling like a million wood planks on my right .. okay it was more like 20 but whatevs I’m dramatic deal with it, on my left a truck had some type of metal poles in the back and in front of me was a truck full of flammable container, I’m telling you somebody was trying to scare the crap out of me. Congrats you have succeeded.

At one point I thought I just rolled up into a scene from Final Destination, and of course that’s when I had this That’s so Raven moment ravenand pictured a scene from one of the movies… the one where that truck lost control and it was carrying a bunch of logs and the logs got loose and done killed mad peeps. I freaked my self out, on my way home every time I saw a truck I flinched. Final destination done messed with my head man! The worst part is I haven’t seen any of the movies in like forever… So it’s not like I just watched them and that’s why I starting getting visions.

Anywho onto a completely different subject, the other day I was with Boobielicious and I don’t really remember…ooo wait we had just finished eating dinner and she remembered that she had to buy her little nugget nephew something for his birthday. So we went to Toys ‘R Us/ Babies R’Us so she can get him a gift (I’m not exactly sure where the commas go…which I find HIGHlarious because I worked there once upon a time). Once we were there I remembered that I had to buy something for my little nugget god son because his bday is coming up…as we walked around the store picking up random board games like clue, and jumbo Jenga which I really wanted to buy, but then I remembered that I hate regular size Jenga, so why would I buy the Jumbo one. Any way you didn’t need to know any of that, long story short (it’s not really a long story, I don’t know why people say that, I feel like their Spark notes version of the story is probably just as long as the original story, maybe even longer.) sorry I keep distracting my self. Any way there was a lot of pregnant woman in the area. After seeing these woman, I swear to you, for a split second I heard my biological clock ticking…right after that though I felt a sharp jab in my lower region; which I took it as VAnessa GINA (that’s the name of my girlie parts…like the sublte way I highlighted the word vagina..hahahahahaha I crack myself up), anyway that was her way of basically saying “Bitch please, you can barely take care of yourself, turn away and keep it moving.” Thank you Vanessa Gina for knocking some sense into me. That’s all folks (think of Bugs Bunny when you say this please and thank you).

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I think I still hear my baby making clock ticking…STOP YOURSELF NOW!!!)

 

Childhood Memories Ruined!!!

It’s official people I can’t run away from it any more. I am TWENTY FREAKING FIVE years old. I am a quarter of a century old, I was even told that I am now two and a half decades old and it sucks big walrus balls. I’m pretty sure I have at least ten… grey? or gray? hairs…this color is freaking cuntfused (confused, but as I’ve said before I like to make up words from already made words…and I feel like cuntfused really makes a point) why is there two spellings for this one color anyway…WTF. Okay anyway, I even think my eyesight is going and I can’t hear as well as I did on Monday…every time I move now I swear I can hear my bones creaking… idk man this old age is getting to me. I just have so many emotions right now, it’s the freaking worst (you’re the worst you know what you’ve done to me, and although it hurts I know, I just can’t keep running away…this song just expressed what’s going on in my heart and soul right now about being 25, without even knowing it…daaaayum!! Thanks Jhene Aiko). Okay. Okay. I’m done being melodramatic I shall move on.

So my mum kind of ruined my picture perfect memories of a couple of my birthday parties when I was younger. I remember it like it was yesterday…okay it was actually on Sunday…we (meaning my brother, father and mother) were on our way to Sports Authority; I’m not really sure how the topic of past birthday parties came up, but I was like “guys remember when we used to go ice-skating for my birthday” but my mum shut that shit down real quick by saying…”we only went ONE time”… I felt like she really meant to say…”are you crazy we only went once stupid” (childhood memories crushed). For some reason I always thought that we used to go ice-skating for my birthday, but apparently I was wrong. I always remember having the best time ever with my friends (more like sisters from other misters…I want to give them names but I’m having the hardest time thinking of good ones right now…I think its my old ass, quarter of a century, two and a half decade brain being a douche) and my brother and his friends (his friends were actually my friends brothers…so it was just a big family event…or so I thought) any way we were always together when we were younger. This week I come to find out we only went ice-skating ONE time for my birthday. Where the hell was I getting all these amazing images of me being an Olympic Gold Medalist Ice-Dancing Queen?

Yesterday morning I was listening to Elvis Duran and the morning show and they were talking about little things people do that piss you off. I never noticed how many little things get me mad (clearly a color having more than one spelling really gets me going). One guy that called into the show said that it pisses him off when he sees people eating their cheeseburgers upside down, and that got me thinking…that shit pisses me off too. There’s a reason it’s called a top and bottom bun…like eat it the RIGHT WAY BRUH!!! So now I’m on a roll, I start thinking of all these things that just piss me off. Like when your at a red light and the thing just turned GREEN LIKE HALF A SECOND AGO AND THE ASSHOLE BEHIND YOU BEEPS THEIR STUPID ASS HORN AT ME…OOOO THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUT MY CAR IN REVERSE RAM THE SHIT OUT OF DOUCHEBAGS CAR…GO FORWARD AND REPEAT AT LEAST TWO TIMES THAN PUT MY CAR IN PARK, GET OUT AND GO POKE YOU IN THE EYEBALL YOU JACK ASS!!!! I’m sorry I got a little carried away and I only gave one example… And I’m already pissed this needs to stop.

OMG…a funny thing happened to me yesterday; when I was driving to work I got hit by a freaking rock in the back of my head. Mind you I was in my car on the freaking turnpike. My window was only a smidge open and that freaking rock pegged me hard as hell, and it scared the crap out of me… for some reason I thought my roof fell on me, but I’m preeeetty sure that would have hurt a lot more. I’ve decided to say goodbye in song… and now I’m bout to throw them deuces up… deuces (that was Chris Browns song…just incase you didn’t know).

IMG_0524Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (I’m so old now… I can’t even think of anything good to put here)

P.S. Don’t judge my white ashy hands…I know your thinking it, because that’s the first thing I noticed!

Four-Twenty (4/20)!!!

Happy Four-Twenty for all my pot heads/stoners out there!!! Today is your day to be free and smoke that: Ganja, that Mary Jane, that Weed, that good shit, that dope, that… okay I ran out of other ways to say marijuana…sorry I’m not really savvy in that department. For those of you that don’t know what 4/20 means (besides it being the 20th day in April, and obviously the day before my glorious birth) you shall find out right now!!! As my trusty Urban Dictionary has told me it’s a “smoking holiday”.

I learned about 4/20 in high school and I never really cared to look into why people get souped (I threw it back old school with that one kid, I’m just not sure if I spelled it right…sooped? Souped? Idk…whatever). Any way I never understood why people were so excited to smoke on this particular day when they smoked every other day…it made no sense to me. But today I’m going to look up (using Google of course, because Google is life and anybody who disagrees can shove it up their bum holes) the origin and meaning of 4/20.

I have returned after 20 mins of looking up the meaning of 4/20, and I’m just as confused as I was when I first started. Wikipedia just blabbed on about blah blah blah consumption of cannabis…blah blah blah cannabis subculture… blah blah blah cannabis itself. See what I mean, Lost as F…bleep. So I shall tell you what I think it means… it means; just go smoke some ganj with some of your home skillets (no I don’t mean frying pans…that’s just another way I say homies or “friends”) talk crap about what life means…you know get all philosophical and shit, and just munch out later.

In the spirit of Four-Twenty, I’ve decided with the help of two of my slutties (Big Booty Judy and Sluttie McSlutterson) and a slutto… a male sluttie, I couldn’t think of anything better at the moment I’ll make something real good up next time…(the gigolo…I don’t think I like this one I think I like slutto better…okay any way Sluttos name is Frienemy). Today we were talking about past (pass the dutch baby… shake shake shake your stuff ladies… that was courtesy of Missy Elliot) sorry I got distracted, past experiences we’ve had with Jane…Mary Jane…and I’ve decided to share two of my experiences with you lunatics. The first time I had some of that good shit I was like… okay I’m not going to incriminate my self and say how old I was because you know mum reads this…any way I was at a friends house and while I was at this persons house I started getting paranoid and wondering “holy shit what if my mum sees my eyes and just knows what I’ve been doing or “ and then I lost my train of thought because ganja did that to me on the reg (regular…I like to shorten words because I like how they sound). The next thing I remember from that day was having the WORST cottonmouth ever, wanting to eat everything in sight, and of course having the BEST sleep of my life!

This next time was the most recent and last time I ever smoked Mrs. Jane (I feel like if marijuana was a real lady she would be a married, respectable lady just trying to make some dough for her four kids and her Marine Vet Husband…idk, that’s just me). It was about five or six years ago and a couple of my friends from school (one of the many I’ve attended…I could seriously be a spokes person for indecisive people) as I was saying, a couple of my friends and I hot boxed in a car (for those who don’t know what hot boxed means: when you smoke in a small room, closet, bathroom, or in my case a car… where there are no open windows or doors, basically no where the smoke can escape to…it is only allowed to go in your mouth and nostrillies…nostrils I like to make up words from already made words). We smoked so many different kinds of weed, I didn’t know that was freaking possible, but we did; and I became a little on the sickly side. Once we got out of the car Slutty McSlutterson and I started walking to our dorm and I told her “yo I don’t feel good I think I have to throw up”, where she turned around and said some variation of… not out here stupid. But I either didn’t want to listen or I just couldn’t hold it in. I personally think I couldn’t hold it in, but who knows I was kind of an asshole
(still am at times)…so I looked around to make sure there was no CP (Campus Police) and threw up on the side of my dorm. After I threw up though I was totes (totally…I’ve already explained to you why I do this) ready for some munchies! Okie Dokie, I’ve said waaaaay too much and now it’s time for me to go…Peace Out Dudes!

The_73a028_1595659 Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (I swears I don’t do that stuff anymore…but I’m not opposed to eating some special brownies *wink*)

 

Vino Viernes!!!

Did ya miss me?.. Did ya miss me?…huh huh. I bet you thought I forgot about Vino Viernes in my old, senile, deteriorating age (25 in 4 fucking days), by the way I will never forget if it has to do with Wine. I’m sorry I cursed I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. The closer and closer I get to that day that shan’t be said out loud (What your TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY…stop being a little bitch Em. Just accept it sucka, you old. Shut your face Delilah, You. Are. Such. A. DICK!) I feel like I should just say sorry now because I’m sure there are times where apologizes will be needed; when I drink, Delilah likes to make appearances. So about my old age, last weeks Vino Viernes was a trial run and I’ve come to the realization that I can’t hang anymore. Sooooo I will be writing after work on Fridays; I’m telling you last week was a bitch! I looked and felt like a Zombie (well I’m guessing how I felt is how Zombies feel all the time… just saying).

The closer we get to April 21st the more depressed and melodramatic I become. A couple of days ago my mum asked what we should do for the birthday of her favorite child (okay she didn’t say the whole favorite child thing, but I know she wanted to…sorry Snot Rocket). So I told her that we’d skip the festivities this year and that we’ll just celebrate next year, after I’ve gotten used to being, you know that age after 24 (TWENTY-FIVE… just say it man… Dang it Delilah!!!) okay before that slore interrupts again…I remembered that next year I’ll be 26 and declared we shall no longer celebrate Birthdays anymore (blah, blah, blah….stop whining so much). Since Delilah doesn’t want to shut the hell up I’m just going to let her write tonight, go-ahead whore.

Finally she let me out….I’M FREE!!! Hey. Hey. Heeey it’s Delilah bitches! Okay so three of our other slutties…see how I say OUR at least I include Emily, that slut bag only yells at me, and she says SHE’S the nice one; I beg to differ. As I was saying three of our other slutties Cosmopolitan, Tequila Sunrise and Long Island Ice Tea (okay so you might think I’m an alcoholic, but I’m just keeping it in the spirit of Vino Viernes, well and I do love me so liquor); on normal days their names are MelloYellow, Crazy Bat(Man) Lady and Super Sugar-Titz. They mentioned Sugar Daddies, Sugar Mamas, Cougars and Jaguars, older men that go for younger women. Emily and I were like YAAASS BITCH YAAAASSS, were writing about that (well more me than Emily…she doesn’t like to offend people…or so she says, you should hear all the shit that comes out of her mouth).

I wants me a Sugar Daddy and no I don’t mean that Caramel Creation on a stick, but I wouldn’t mind some caramel on my men *wink*(holy bananas Delilah…this shit is bananas B.A.N.A.N.A.S… mum might read this you doof. Stop being a baby Em). Any way I’m totally talking about a man that has mula, money, dinero, ching ching and can buy me things…you know what I’m sayin. Long Island Ice Tea said she wouldn’t mind being a cougar, but wouldn’t want to be a sugar baby or a sugar mama, because she aint trying to give money to no one. For me, I wants me a sugar daddy, but I aint doing shit for that so I would probably be a sugar baby FAILURE…bwuhahahaha. Tequila Sunrise on the other hand wants to know what these males and females do to keep they’re sugars happy. She thinks there’s a lot of disgusting oral going on and uncomfortable sodomy; which of course had me ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing…for those un-savvy with the text lingo).

So basically my friends wanted to know how these type of relationships work? When does being a sugar baby turn into prostitution, and what are people willing to do to be a sugar baby and for how much? Let us know what your thinking people! Delilah Out!

 

Love ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (Sorry about that crazy whore, I can’t help it)

P.S. We are drinking Barefoot’s Sweet Red again because my brother bought me a big ass bottle and we had some left over. I promise next week we’ll try a different Wine.

I’m Alive!!!

I survived!!!! I will survive for as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive… sorry I couldn’t help myself I love to burst into song and dance, I swear I should have been a part of Glee or something. The only reason I ever wanted to be a Disney Princess was just so I can randomly sing and no one would even look twice. If I did that now in my non-musical life people would look at me like I’m crazy or on drugs; I already get strange looks when I’m singing in the comfort of my own car…is there no respect any more!!! Oh so you know how some people…okay maybe I shouldn’t say people, let me rephrase that, so I sometimes…okay you caught me again… I ALWAYS wish my life were like the movies I watch. When ever I come out of a movie theatre (this is the correct way to spell it people!!!) I always tell my friends “yoo I could totally be an assassin, a race car driver, a secret spy, a princess… you know basically what ever I just watched gosh DON’T JUDGE ME!!

Any way, what I was saying before I rudely interrupted my self is that, either my Mum didn’t read what I wrote on Friday (you know my underage drinking) or she has chosen to Let it Go (Let it Go, can’t hold it back any more) as Queen Elsa would sing (by the way my mum hates this song…bwuhahahaha…yes t’was my evil laugh). Because I’M ALIVE!!!!! I’M ALIVE!!!

Sooooo this weekend was THE most eventful weekend I’ve had in a long ass time. I know, I know most of you must think that I lead a very exciting, adventurous and extravagant life. WRONG!! It’s just the opposite actually, the most risk-taking thing I do is let Max from Netflix (get the MAX from Netfliiiiix ooooo…that’s one of the jingles they have…it makes me laugh) pick out what I’m going to watch next. OMG Scandalous, I know. But this weekend was different, my super sluttie friends and I went to see a show in NYC on Saturday!!! IT. WAS. AMAZEBALLZ. The show was about the not so happily ever after of the Disney Princesses. I was ROTFL the whole time (that was rolling on the floor laughing, for those who aren’t text lingo savvy…your welcome). My friends and I all found our Princess soul mate on that stage. I was Mulan, Frover was Snow White, Big Booty Judy was Sleeping Beauty, Boobielicious was Rapunzel, Ditzy Doodle (by the way she did NOT like this name..bwuhahahaha) was Cinderella, Slutty McSlutterson was Belle, and Mamasita was The Little Mermaid. If you ever get a chance you should definitely go see this, its called Disenchanted, and I promise you you’ll have an amazing time.

So I came face to face with my arch nemesis this weekend…duh duh duuuuuh (thanks Tim that was B.E.A UTIFUL…give a round of applause for Tim my pianist…HAAAAA Pianist… sorry but that shit cracks me up) As I was saying….my arch nemesis…duh duh duuuuuuh….NUTELLA!!! I went to breakfast sunday morning with two of my slutties (Slutty McSlutterson and Boobielicious) and McSlutterson decides she wants to get the Banana (this shit is bananas B.A.N.A.N.A.S) and Nutella crepe. I felt betrayed, how dare Mcslutterson order that bitch in front of me after everything that whorish Nutella did to me; that was until I tasted it…all I gots to say is…..DAAAAAYUMMM that was Deeeeelish. Of course I never let my slutties see how Nutella affected me (well until now), but hey Nutella… Call me!

Love Ya From the Moon and back,

Emily (Secret, not so secret anymore, Nutella lover)

 

P.S. I finally did my eyebrows this weekend YAAAASSSS… CUZ damn they almost became one brow.

WTF is Fleek?!?!

Helloooooo!!! April!!!!! How you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you since like…wait when was it…Oh Snapple Caps…since like last year. I’m not sure if you remember buuuut you’re in SPRING BRUH!!! What do you think your doing being this freaking cold…relax your face and get your shit together, you’re embarrassing me. Any way back to what I really wanted to say. This month is known for the most glorious birth of all-time, and before you ask…no I’m not talking about the rebirth of Jesus Cristo, although that was pretty awesomeballz if you ask me. So this is where I make believe I was asked “but whom could you possibly be talking about Emily?” I’ll tell you who…HELLO WORLD!!! It t’was me!!! I, Princess Amelia, was born on post 4/20 (shout out to all you pot heads out there. You smoke that good shite…don’t you judge my spelling that’s how the British spell it… I think) meaning April 21st is my BDAY!!!! YASSSSSSS!!!! I will be celebrating my 4th anniversary of being 21 (*cough, 25, cough*…shut up Delilah you freaking whore) GOSH…that Delilah is such a bitch. So basically this was my subtle way of letting those of you…mother, father and brother dearest I hope your reading this, I expect something super duper extravagant that I make others Peanut Butter and Jealous of me (LOVE this saying… it’s from the movie The Interview… I say it as much as humanly possible).

Sooooo…. This is me changing the subject… Something has been racking up a pretty high tab at this place I like to call My Cranium Bar (I know you like my reference to alcohol…cuz I love me some VINO!!!). Any way as I was saying, I’m not the biggest fan of these new “slang” words. I didn’t know if it was because they’re the stupidest words I’ve ever heard, or because I didn’t know what they meant.

1st word is BAE, hate it and it sounds like the sound a sheep would make.

2nd THOT, my first reaction was, what the BLEEP is this nonsense, but after I looked it up, using my trusty Urban Dictionary, I fell IN LOVE with it…I think it’s HIGHlarious!!!

And the one that really bothers me is…FLEEK!!! This word literally means On Point, why do we need another word that means On Point, HELLO MOFOS!!! just freaking say ON POINT!!…Great!!! Now looked what I did…I just done pissed myself off. I’m done with this!! I say good day.

 

Love Ya from the moon and back,

Emily (I’m so mad I can’t even think straight)