Worst Week Ever!

Well this week has been a miserable one. Last weekend me and my mom decided to go on a diet. So you know its been a week without any sweets, and all the delicious non healthy things. I don’t mind eating healthier, I like veggies and fruits, and I don’t even mind not having carbs all the time. The thing that is making this torture is what my mother told me on Friday.

Friday night my parents and I went to Outback, my usual reaction would be like hell yeah free food and drinks… buuuuuut then again I’m on a diet and can’t have my Alice Springs Chicken Quesadilla. So I went with steak and some steamed veggies crap, but I was still okay with that because I was gonna have either a big glass of beer or my favorite a frozen peach Bellini (its called a Wally-B Darned but I’m not sure if I spelled it right). As I was saying I was cool not having my usual because I was gonna get my drink on.

Do you want to know what my mother said to me. She said I can’t have any delish alcoholic beverages while being on this diet… Blasphemy!! I felt scandalized, how could she say such horrid things to me. To clarify I asked if that also meant my most beloved Vino, Wine, Deliciousness in a bottle as well. She had the audacity to say yup nothing with alcohol those are empty calories, EMPTY CALORIES!! HOW RUDE. I know right,  how dare my mom say such mean things about something I love. Wine has never did me dirty… I cant say the same for other alcohol related things, because one to many shots and who knows what I’ll do or who I’ll become. But wine, that’s my home girl/home boy/best friends I ever had. I don’t consider wine alcohol; wine is just grape juice with a kick you know grown-up grape juice or something. It does magical things.

I told my mom that I’d just have beer, wine and deeeelish peach Bellini’s for dinner. I didn’t think it was a bad idea, but Mama Moon didn’t approve of this idea. so basically this week really just turned to crap on Friday night when I was told that I’m not allowed to have Alcohol. Whoa is me… What kind of world do we live in that drinking has calories in the first place. don’t even start with the skinny girl drinks, I’d rather drink gasoline then that crap. Well I’m off to have another miserable week. See ya next Sunday.

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,

Emily (I hope everyone is enjoying their wings and other scrumptious foods you’ll be eating on this fine Super Bowl Sunday; while I sit here eating celery and carrots and waiting for the Half-Time show… where you know Queen Bey is going to Slay.)

Scandalous, this is some Rated R Stuff!

I had a moment on Friday where I was in the parking garage at my job sitting in my car contemplating whether I should call out and just drive home. It took a lot of will power to get out of my car. I think if I would’ve had more than 10 mins to decide before having to punch in (And if I had anymore sick days) I might have called out. But alas I went to work and did all those work related things.

At night I met up with a couple of friends, and did the usual shit talking. What you ask is the usual shit talking. Well let me just tell you how our night went. I was the first one to arrive at our destination… You might be wondering why I’m being so secretive; I’m actually not I’m just having trouble remembering where we went I’m sure by the end of this I’ll have remembered. As I was saying I was the first to get to oooo Buffalo Wild Wings and there was about a 15mins to an hour wait. Shit was crazy! Apparently there was sports happening that night and a lot of Zombie Loving people because there was this Zombie thing happening near by. So after about half an hour our little buzzing thing buzzed and we went to sit down, and commenced the ordering of drinks. I was being extra risky and went for a beer I’ve never had before, I don’t know why I was just feeling some type of way. I’ve learned that trying something new isn’t always bad, because that beer was really freaking good (it’s called the American Lager… Yum mm!).

After our last member showed up the shit talking began. It was a broad range of subjects. We talked about our lives and all the shit going on. We talked about the mutual dislike we have for people. We talked about HD T.Vs and the IPhone and all the cool shit smart Tvs can do. We talked about trips we went on, trips want to take and trips were going on.

Of course we talked about penises (but we were much more rated R… We called it the C word… scandalous) we talked about size and there might have been pictures involved. Lastly (mommy don’t read this… STOP RIGHT HERE DON’T GO ANY FURTHER) we talked about how if a woman doesn’t give head she ain’t shit, I know mind blow. Sometimes you just gotta suck some dick. Of course that went into much further detail, buuuuut I think this is where I should let you go.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (of course I’m a good girl, I don’t do those things…I just drink!)

Vino Viernes!!

Thank the God of Asgard it is mother Fing Friday!!! It’s been a ridiculously long week for no reason. I just don’t understand why we need to work so many days during the week. For me the perfect work week would be Wednesday through yea that’s pretty much it… Just Wednesday. Ain’t nobody got time to work five or even more than five days a week… This is freaking insanity!

Today’s wine was ehh… It was Sutter Homes White Zinfandel. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t something I would drink again…You know unless if the world ran out of every other wine and my options were either to drink a Cupcake brand wine (which are freaking nasty to the point that my DAD didn’t want anything to do with it) and Sutter Homes White Zinfandel… Obviously I’m gonna choose the whitey. I did mix the wine with some sprite which made it taste 10 times better. I’m telling you Sprite is the real MVP.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me maybe I need to get some you know sexy time or it could honestly be my perverted mind… It’s most likely a mix of both, but today when I look at the clouds in the sky I swear to you I saw penises everywhere. Just so you know it’s not safe to be driving and staring at a freaking cloud shaped penis, it is extremely distracting. I took pictures of the cloud dingalings in question. These were both at different times and I don’t think they are the same one.

The first one I was in my car and I remember I was singing and trying to belt out the most amazing note you’ve ever heard (it was to Ginuwines Pony… That’s pretty Highlarious) and when I looked up I saw penis. If you’ve seen that J.Lo movie the Wedding Planner, it kind of looks like the scultures penis that Matthew McConaughey breaks off.

The second one just kind of looks like a Dildy. I went to this sex toy party once, and the instructor was showing us all these different size dildos in different colors and what dildo is good for what. I learned a lot like I mean A LOT!!! I didn’t know there was such a variety of dildos in the world… It was mind blowing (hehehe… I wanna say no pun intended, but I’m pretty sure it was intended). Anywho this cloud Willie reminded me of the dildo the instructor called Mr. Big (for obvious reasons). As Porky Pig would say “Th-th-th-th-th-THAT’S ALL FOLKS.”

image imageLove Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (mom don’t read anything after I talk about wine… It’s not important… If you have, lets just forget about it and never speak of it again)

Weekend Escapades!!

I now love CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!!! Why have I never had chicken and waffles before this weekend… I’m extremely disappointed in myself!

Anyway this weekend was one of the most productive I’ve had in a while and I’m freaking exhausted. I’m currently writing to you all while laying down and hoping I don’t drop my phone on my face.

So on Saturday, Sluttie McSlutterson, Boobielicious and I went to the beach… And it was magical. Well not really it was like any other beach day… We were in the water for what felt like half and hour but was really more like two hours. After being in the sun for hours I got extra crispy. I was some what pale before but now I’m a little golden brown with a tint of redness. I Didn’t get my crispy color just from Saturday though, I also went to the pool on Sunday… It was freaking hawt as ballssss!!!

My skin color wasn’t the only thing that changed, my once beautiful purple/grayish color has also disappeared on me! I now have some… I don’t even know what color it is now, but as long as it’s not green from the chlorine I can deal I guess.

I’m so so so sad that my PURPLE HAIR IS GONE! I love that hair I don’t think I can cope… I just loved that color so much. I thought I met the one. So I’ve decided to just let my hair be what it wants to be this summer, and then I’m going back to my one true hair color soulmate! Well Ta-Ta for now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (the sun drained me… I need sleep!)

Vino Viernes!!!

I know it’s technically Saturday but it’s still Friday night for me!!! I know I know this is two nights in one week that I’m acting my age. Idk what’s gotten into me… I’m a freaking party animal!!!!

Sooo totes had a Roooooooad TRIP today!!! Well kinda we’re just down the shore for the night, but it’s still a road trip especially because there was some traffic and I decided ,thinking I was some kind of GPS, I would be able to find a way around it. Well we did find a way but it ended up being a tour of most of central/southernish NJ. So instead of the hour and a half it ended up being about a four hour trip. So yea I consider that a road trip!

After we finally got here, we went to a bar where I drank some amoretto sours ( so it’s more like Amoretto Saturday). I know it’s not Vino, but this is my go to drink when I got out… I just couldn’t give it up. Any way we went to a bar in Long Beach Island (LBI), and I saw my first live cover band and it was AMAZEBALLZ!!!!!! Okay it’s time for me to go now I’m about to eat some CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!!! Another first for me!!! I’m popping so many cherries tonight!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (question: Did the Chicken come before the Egg?… The place I’m eating at is called The Chicken or The Egg. Im so freakin clever)

Sistah from Anotha Mistah!

Just a warning I don’t really have much to say today. Not because I can’t think of anything to write about, but because I’m suuuuuperrrrr tired. “Emily, why are you so tired its not like you do anything?” Well first off that’s hurtful I do plenty of things like driving to and from work, singing in my car( which takes a lot out of you… Okay!), and I stopped to get gas today. I know your judging, but I don’t care.

Anyway the real reason I’m tired is because I actually acted my age yesterday. Yesterday was a normal day, I got home from work at around 6ish and did my usual routine. Which is check the mail, then use the bathroom ( because I’ve been holding my pee pee for way to long), but then I also bought a lottery ticket ( buying lottery tickets isn’t the norm… So don’t be thinking I have some big gambling problem; I’m toooooo broke for that life… I just had an extra dollar). Okay back to my story, the rest of the night goes by and at this point it’s like 9:30pm and I’m starting to get ready for bed. Yes I said 9:30pm, I’m a freaking Vieja (old lady) at heart. But then I get a text from my Sistah from anothah Mistah!! Me and Sistah from anothah Mistah have known each other since we were wee little lads! Her brother and my brother are besties for life, and of course so are we! This girl is my freaking Ride or Die chick… We can go weeks without seeing or even talking to each other, but once you get us together it’s like no time has passed… We just pick it up where we left off and keep it moving. As I was saying, Sistah texted me last night at like 9:30ish and asks me where I was. So I tell her I’m home… She replies come to the bar. Of course I’m thinking this girl is cray it’s like 9:50 I’m about to go to sleep. I’m guessing she knew what I was think so she texts me saying Rover (which is the name of the bar) and that’s it. So I had no choice… I got dressed again and went to meet her at Rover. I’m telling you she has a way with words and is VERY persuasive and she is the only person that can get me to do anything!

So basically I’m tired because I got home at like almost 1am… Don’t judge me I told you I’m a Vieja and one in the morning is late for me!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( to my surprise my brother, her brother and some other peeps were there… I’m kinda glad I broke my Vieja ways, I had fun)

Five Stages of Hungover!

This weekend was fun… Well Friday and Saturday were fun, but Sunday not so much! I had thee worst hangover I have ever had in my life of hangovers! I’m telling you I hadn’t felt that sick in forever! The worst part about it is that I was just drinking beer. I would understand it a little more if I was doing shots or drinking hard liquor on top of the beer, but it was only beer. I’ve had bad hangovers before, like my 21st birthday weekend, well maybe that summer of my 21st birthday I lived with a hangover… But it was never this bad, like EVER! That’s what I get for hanging out with my cousins.

I’m gonna give you a little recap of what happened on Saturday. As I hope most of you know it was the FOURTH OF JULY!!! Yay!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA!! Any who my cousins had a barbecue at their house and everyone and there mother was there. But before people started showing up it was only me and my brother waiting on my cousin (Trap Queen) to get home… Just so everyone knows we were told the party started at “12”… It didn’t really start till 3:30ish.

So when my cousin got home at around 1:30 we started having beers and then gradually more of our family started showing up. I was super popular on Saturday and my cousins were hating. I usually don’t show up to family parties, because 1. I’m super lazy and 2. You have to have a certain tolerance level to hang with these people. As I was saying I was SUUUUPERRR FAMOUS, every body that saw me was like OMG EMILY-ANN, how are you?, what have you been up 2?, I haven’t seen you in so long, and I got like a bazillion hugs. So obviously my cousins got peanut butter and jealous, but I was totes loving it. They don’t understand that’s why I don’t show up for so long, because when the family finally does see me… It’s a magical moment!

Soooo fast forward to Sunday!!! Ugh… Just thinking about it now is making me nauseous. In my hungover haze… There were a lot of things that went through my head. I’m sure most of you know this but I’m still gonna hit you with some knowledge. I call this the 5 Stages of HUNGOVER!
1. Hate… This is when your just wake up from the night before, with a pounding headache, nausea, and wondering how much time you have to make it to the bathroom before you throw up all of over the place. This is when you realize how much you hate yourself for what you’ve done.
2. Anger… After you’ve thrown up what you had last night and probably that whole week, you become super Angry at yourself for going past your limit. Your freaking twenty-five years old… You should know when to stop damn it!!! (There might be some residual anger for the next couple days I’ll let you know when it goes away)
3. Tired… You just want to go to sleep, but your head is spinning to much for you to lay down and any sudden movement sends you running to the bathroom again. You might cry in this stage because all you want is to sleep, but your left sitting back against your wall because that’s the time your the least dizzy.
4. Bargaining… Now you’ll tell anyone who will listen that you will never drink again if this nausea and dizziness just goes away. (We all know it’s a lie, but it kind of makes us feel better after we’ve said it)
5. Acceptance… You fucked up… You drank to much, but you had a good time doing it. Now you gotta live with this disgusting feeling for the rest of the day. At this point your making yourself get out of bed and buy your self a Gatorade or like 4 ( Gatorade flavor choice is key, I chose a bad flavor and it made me feel worse… So I bought another one to wash out the nastiness of the first one) and move on with your crappy day, but it slow motion… Remember you move to fast you better find a bathroom and quick!

Love Ya From the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I also somehow got a cold, because I’ve been coughing a lung up all day)

Ps. CONGRATS TO THE U.S. WOMANS SOCCER TEAM FOR WINNING THE WORLD CUP!!!!… Yasssss!!!

Vino Viernes!!

Leeeeeet’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLE!!!! Sorry I just saw this meme with Steph Curry and Lebron James in a boxing ring!!! It’s HIGHlarious! It’s Friday people!!!! It’s been waaaay tooooo long since I last saw you Friday and I’ve missed you. Since your here today lets drink some Vino, shall we. I haven’t changed my vino since last week… It’s just way too good to give up so soon!

Today we are having a special edition of Vino Viernes! Since Father’s Day is this Sunday I decided to dedicate this Friday to my home boy Papa Moon! This isn’t going to be like my Mother’s Day post. I’m not gonna get all emotional because I’m pretty sure Papa Moon doesn’t read this so it would be pointless. So what I’m gonna do today is just tell everyone a little bit about my Daddio in what I like to call…

The Guide to Understanding Papa Moon:
1. He looks mean and bald, but he’s harmless…Sometimes
2. He knows how to work a pink shirt… Work it girl… Fierce!!
3. He wants anything and everything that Apple makes… If Apple painted a portrait of a banana, B.A.N.A.N.A.S, he would buy it.
4. BEER!
5. He’s most likely the clumsiest person I’ve ever met. When he shaves his head, he always manages to fuck his shit up. This mofo makes himself bleed like he cut a main artery.
6. If you buy something to eat or drink and you leave it the refrigerator, don’t ever think of eating or drinking it again. His policy is “if it’s in MY Fridge, it’s mine”.
7. He just tried to drink my wine!
8. He’s the one that wanted all these dogs.
9. He has a lot of nick names, but we like to call him the Tank!
10. Mother Fucker… Is his favorite thing to say… Ever
There you have it kiddies. He’s the best dad ever… I wouldn’t trade him for anything!!! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!!!

I Love You Mother Fucker for ever and ever and ever,
Mimi ( your favorite child… Everybody knows it’s true!!)

Electric Daisy Carnival

Happy Memorial Day!!! Thank you to those who fought and are still finding for our Country. You are all truly appreciated!

So as I told you guys on Friday I went to EDC (Electric Daisy Carnival) this weekend!!! It was so much fun but extremely freaking exhausting. I love to people watch…sometimes when I people watch I like to find people that look like they’re having a really intense conversation… so I can add commentary as if I was at a sporting event… it’s a blasty blast, you should try it. There was really no connection between telling you about my weird habit and EDC…I just thought everyone should know.

So I saw some interesting things at EDC… I saw several different color areolas…some were bejeweled while others were just covered by see through shirts. OOOOO I also saw some penises flopping around. The first guy I saw caught me off guard… he had on bright green boxers and when he turned around BAM the area where the sack lays was mesh…MESH PEOPLE!!! I saw it all…and I couldn’t look away!!

So because of my weekend experiences…I’ve composed a EDC Survival Guide and here it is:

  1. Make sure to wear comfortable shoes…because if you don’t your feet will be in pain…if your feet are even still there when you leave. Just saying shit gets intense. Clothing choices are up to you… if you want to go in your birthday suit I suggest wear sensible shoes.
  2. Be prepared to see other people’s goodies and gonads. They will be on full display.
  3. If you plan on drinking I suggest either bringing made dough, mula, money…or just tailgate because it be super expensive.
  4. Ooo I wish I would’ve thought of this, but bring one of those water backpacks because your gonna need it. I was super close to just drinking from some stranger’s water.
  5. Also you should train you bladder and bowels to not have to go…because those porta-pottys are fucking (yes I said fucking) DISGUSTING!!!
  6. While your tailgating I suggest you stretch. Because I’m pretty sure I tweaked some shit.
  7. Be prepared to be extremely sore…or maybe that’s just me because my body is killing me!!
  8. If you plan on going two days in a row like me and my friends did…a couple of months before the festival you should probably build up your stamina because your going to be jumping out of your bras and boxers.
  9. Ladies this is really important…make sure to wear a good bra or maybe four because at the end of the first night…I’m sad to say my bra didn’t make. The underwire popped out so now I gotta buy a new bra. Also my boobs are probably the sorest part of my body. (If you are a member of the itty bitty titty committee…you should be good so disregard this one)
  10. And finally be safe and just have a blasty blast… you will have the best time of your life!
  11. Sorry one more be prepared to get second hand high…because yeah that happens.
  12. Ok ok last one, bring sunglasses…not only for the sun but also for all the lights that will be blinding you.

And there you have it folks…Emily’s EDC Survival Guidelines.

 

470164_lLove ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (now I must go ice my body)

 

Ps. Me and some guy shimmied our titties at each other…I’m pretty sure he was gay, but I still call it a win. And it was possibly the most action I’ve had in a while. Saddest panda.

Vino Viernes!!

Sooo it’s more like Cerveza (Beer) Fridays… todays Vino was not drinkable…that shit was like freaking poison. I’m pretty sure it’s currently burning a hole in my tum tum. What wine am I killing myself with you ask. Well like I told you last week I had bought to bottles of the Cupcake brand Vino…a red one and a white one. Last week I had Sahara Desert Red. This week I attempted to drink Skull and Cross Bone Poison white…I pretty sure the bottle has that on the warning label. I know everyone has specific tastes, but this Cupcake “Angel Food Cake” was the freaking devil!! I think they made it with freaking jalapeños; I didn’t know that angel food cake was spicy. I’m sorry Houdini (the friend…or should I say enemy that recommended this vino brand) but I am not a fan of this brand of wine! Since it is Friday, how could I not drink something alcoholic…hence why today should actually be called Cerveza Fridays. I traded that death contraption for one of my favorite beers…Stella…yuummmm! So now I am in a much happier mood. Shall we move on?

So remember when I wrote that they ended up not needing me for jury duty…well I spoke to soon. Later on that day I received some wonderful news… I had to report to jury duty the next day. I know most people would be like…WHY ME!!! NO!!! I DON’T WANNA!! I actually didn’t mind… I was super excited that I was given this GREAT POWER!!! I was gonna start putting mofos in jail, or getting people the money they deserve… “It’s their money and they need it NOW”. I get to the courthouse and my excitement keeps growing…I’m looking around to see where the hell I have to go and BAM!!! Me thinks me founds the new love of my life…this cop was so freaking DEEELISH!!! I was about to be like “excuse me sir I want to make a citizens arrest, because you stole my heart”…ooo or “Did it hurt? When you fell outta heaven.” Ooo or “Do you have a band aide? Because I scraped my knee falling for you.” Okay okay I’m done…but I’m telling you I saw hearts floating around this mans head. I didn’t even care about righting wrongs anymore…it was love at first sight…well for me. As I walked away from my future ex-husband, I told my self I’ll do this jury duty stuff all the time if he’s gonna be here. After being distracted I finally reach where I have to be, and four hours later…. I wasn’t chosen again… but I spent the morning imaging my life with my future cop ex-husband. We would watch Netflix together, we would drink together, we would watch some more Netflix together. I know it was B.E.A.UTIFUL. So it was a pretty productive day for me. Ooo and Manny Mandingo (that’s my cars name) got a bath yesterday!! He’s so fresh and so clean clean.

I’m sorry guys, besides me sitting in traffic for an hour…my life was not eventful today. Maybe I’ll have something good for you next week.

FullSizeRender-2Don’t forget Lunatics this Sunday is Mothers Day!!! I got my mum a mothers day card and I’m going to tweak it a little bit…it’s gonna be HIGHlarious. I’ll post a picture on Monday.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (master pick up artist… My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can’t hold it in…okay okay I’m done now)