The Magical Things I’ve Figured Out This Past Month!

So I’ve been the shittiest of the shittiest people. I said that I would post something on the Fourth of July and here we are on August 7. WOW!! Doesn’t time just like fly by. Anywho, I’ve stumbled across a couple of pretty Awesomeballz things and some pretty stupid shit this past month. I was going to write this in my OOOOOH so favorite list form but then decided against it because what I have to say cannot be numbered. Only because some of it is long. Ooo fuck it I’m making a list!! I shall call this list The Magical Things I’ve Figured Out This Past Month!:

1. Stop what you’re doing because I know how to figure out who you’re meant to be with by finding out what day they’re birthday lands on. If both your birthdays land on the same day then…(Drum roll Sam… Tap tap tap tap tap… That was Sam… My drummer) YOU’RE MEANT TO BE!! “But Emily how do you know these other worldly things… Well it’s easy… My parents have been married for more than a thousand years and they still seem to tolerate each other and their birthdays land on the same day!!

2. People who don’t know how to staple papers correctly apparently piss me off! I learned this at my new job. Everyday I have to remove staples from stacks of f🌙ing papers and then re-staple those mofos. Like how hard is it to staple in the fucking top left side! Holy freaking walrus balls!!

3. As we all know I am a very indecisive person. I’ve told you about my dabbling in several majors and hobbies and all that good stuff. But I have a new hobby that I’m really getting into. Photography. I took a class once,  you know in that time when I was trying to be pre-med ( and realized this shit ain’t like Grey’s Anatomy, but then simultaneously remembered that in Greys they were already done with the whole pre-med part of becoming doctors so you know long story short… I’m not a Doctor) and I thought the class was kind of a joke. My professor was a tad bit on the eccentric side( basically she was a little nutty bar). Now thinking back on this class I wish I would have taken it serious. I’ve always loved taking pictures but now I wish I learned more about it. Damn me and my asshole ways!!

4. Once upon a time a girl named Emily decided to go braless. It’s was a magical time but she came across some thing she had never thought of before this day. So the day Emily decided to let her titties be free was the day she was hugging everybody and their mom (this is just an expression I really wasn’t hugging moms… Just wanted to clarify this). Those people Emily hugged felt a whole lot they weren’t expecting. It was just full on titties with no bra barrier and it might have been slightly chilly… Just saying. This same night Emily meets a new person all the others she had hugged till this point she didn’t care if they felt tittie because they were her friends and they know that Emily is a little on the not normal side, but on this marvelous day of tittie freedom she met a new person and oh was he a hugger he went straight for the kill… And in her head she was like damn it this guy just felt nip town. Oh and a little advise for those with bigger chesticles… You might want to bring baby powder with you because you will get swamp tittie.

5. Finally I wanted to tell you about the time at my other job when I was complimented on my speaking voice. This woman had me so freaking flattered that I was blushing! She asked me if I ever considered working in radio! I was like GIRL!!!! Who is paying you to say these wonderful things to me! Needless to say I’m obviously going to pursue and career in radio now. Because I have a “beautiful speaking voice”. OOOO Gosh! *blushing* Still gets me every time.

Well that’s all I have for tonight. I shall see thee when I see thee!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that I was pregnant, and woke up freaking out reaching for my belly and was immensely relieved that it was not true… So clearly I’m totally ready to have a baby.)

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)

Final Destination…Baby?!?!

I know I know this post is super late, but what can I say I got lazy.

Today I had this weird déjà vu feeling come over me when I was driving to work. When I finally got to work I realized what it was… I had pictured a scene from final destination. I know your probably extremely confused, so I’m gonna break it down for you. The whole way to work this morning I was surrounded by trucks. At one point I was in the middle lane with a truck hauling like a million wood planks on my right .. okay it was more like 20 but whatevs I’m dramatic deal with it, on my left a truck had some type of metal poles in the back and in front of me was a truck full of flammable container, I’m telling you somebody was trying to scare the crap out of me. Congrats you have succeeded.

At one point I thought I just rolled up into a scene from Final Destination, and of course that’s when I had this That’s so Raven moment ravenand pictured a scene from one of the movies… the one where that truck lost control and it was carrying a bunch of logs and the logs got loose and done killed mad peeps. I freaked my self out, on my way home every time I saw a truck I flinched. Final destination done messed with my head man! The worst part is I haven’t seen any of the movies in like forever… So it’s not like I just watched them and that’s why I starting getting visions.

Anywho onto a completely different subject, the other day I was with Boobielicious and I don’t really remember…ooo wait we had just finished eating dinner and she remembered that she had to buy her little nugget nephew something for his birthday. So we went to Toys ‘R Us/ Babies R’Us so she can get him a gift (I’m not exactly sure where the commas go…which I find HIGHlarious because I worked there once upon a time). Once we were there I remembered that I had to buy something for my little nugget god son because his bday is coming up…as we walked around the store picking up random board games like clue, and jumbo Jenga which I really wanted to buy, but then I remembered that I hate regular size Jenga, so why would I buy the Jumbo one. Any way you didn’t need to know any of that, long story short (it’s not really a long story, I don’t know why people say that, I feel like their Spark notes version of the story is probably just as long as the original story, maybe even longer.) sorry I keep distracting my self. Any way there was a lot of pregnant woman in the area. After seeing these woman, I swear to you, for a split second I heard my biological clock ticking…right after that though I felt a sharp jab in my lower region; which I took it as VAnessa GINA (that’s the name of my girlie parts…like the sublte way I highlighted the word vagina..hahahahahaha I crack myself up), anyway that was her way of basically saying “Bitch please, you can barely take care of yourself, turn away and keep it moving.” Thank you Vanessa Gina for knocking some sense into me. That’s all folks (think of Bugs Bunny when you say this please and thank you).

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (I think I still hear my baby making clock ticking…STOP YOURSELF NOW!!!)