Calling Out 101

Let’s say… obviously hypothetically speaking of course… that you had to call out of work last week. What reason would one have to call out you ask? Well Ms./Mr. Goodie Two Shoes!!! Some of us have really good f🌙cking reasons! Any way as I was saying you might have a Doctors appointment, something else, something equally as important, you just don’t feel like going to work, OR you might have an interview for another company and you don’t want the place you’re working at to know that you’ve been looking for other employment… you know something along those lines, nah mean. Let’s say one of those thing just magically appeared and you haven’t been planning it for alittle over a week or anything like that… WHAT! No way I’m not talking about me having an interview last Thursday and having to call out or anything! That did not happen!

As I was saying I have some tips for those of you that might have one of this situation pop up. I shall call this list: Calling Out 101!

1. (This one only matters if you’ve had this call out planned, if not please skip step one). The day before this call out happens you need to build your backstory. Start acting like you’re getting sick. Sneeze a lot, clear your throat and sniffle the shit out of your nose!

2. You need to set your alarm to about an hour and a half before the time you need to be at work. Reason for this is depending on what type of job you work you’re giving the company enough time to call around for someone to cover your shift. If you don’t work in retail and you work in an office setting, you would most likely start work 7,8 or 9am. This way when you call out it’s right after you wake up and your voice will sound authentically raspy and sick like.😉

3. Make sure you have some kind of backstory just in case those people you work with are nosy and ask questions.

Well my chickadees that is all I have for you.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Any relatives that are reading this… let’s make believe that this blog is Vegas… what ever is said here stays here… nah mean!! Ok I love ya buh bye!)

Back At It Again…With the Diets!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about seeking different weight loss options, and how I was leaning towards getting weight loss surgery. Welp! that didn’t go as planned. Apparently my insurance sucks big walrus balls. When I found that out I might’ve been…. OKAY… OKAY! I was extremely upset and I basically was like “fuck this shit, imma do me!”. So basically I gave up, and my thought pattern was not good. I was in a bad place for a while. I still attempted to save face and show Momma Moon that I was still trying to find ways to get this surgery, but I was over it!

Alas, two weeks ago some inspiration came to me! I didn’t have some big “come to jesus” moment or anything. The reason I decided to continue on this weight loss journey might not even be conventional, but I’m pretty out there and I don’t do conventional. “What are you doing now to lose weight?” you ask (even though I know that’s not the question you were asking, BUT it’s the one I want to answer this one first!). I signed up for Weight Watchers, and I have a feeling that it might actually work for me this time around. I know that Weight Watchers definitely ( I literally just spent 5 mins trying to spell definitely correctly) works because a few of my friends are on it now or have been on it at some point, and they have lost weight and have kept it off. Anywho back to me!! I’ve decided that this diet is going to work for me this time because I have the motivation this time!

“What is motivating you this much Emily?” Well two weeks ago I went to a tattoo convention with Sluttie McSlutterson, and let me tell you I got the itch to get another tattoo!! Since that day I have found three tattoos that I want to get and the placement of two of these tats are in the mid section, and the third would be going down my spine… nah mean jelly bean.

So because of these three tattoos that I want to get I’ve decided that I need to lose the weight so that they look super magical!!! I can’t wait… I’m super excited about this, and I’m hoping that by my birthday in April that I can get at least one of the tats that will possibly be on the or around the mid-section.

Well that’s all I got for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Future owner…are you an owner of a tattoo since technically you’re paying for it and it’s on your body, or are you like a work of art… any way future owner/work of art)

The World of Online Dating… round 3!

Tonight is the night is the night is the night!!!(I had a song in my head that sounded disco-y and it said tonight is the night repeatedly… but then I couldn’t remember what came after that so I just tried to google it and I can’t find it… I’m pretty sure I didn’t make this song up, but if I did…I would’ve went triple platinum. THAT is how good it sounded. Anywho back to the reason for the song) GAME OF THRONES IS BACK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I’m so excited!!! Well now that I got that out of my system on to why we are here.

Online dating is a messy, messy, dirty, nasty, horn dog, sluttie cesspool of the not likely going to find “true love” but other not so good things World. So I’ve decided to give those who are brave enough to test those mucky waters some pointers, and of course it shall be in LIST FORM!! (When I said lost form in my head I imagine the words list and form in a muscular bubble version of themselves wearing a cap like a super hero and echoing form, form, form until it faded out… ooo how I crack myself up)

The World of Online Dating… round 3 !

1. Download all those free apps and have yourself a good ole time because FREE is your best friend! 

2. When writing your about me section. Don’t write anything about yourself. What’s the point of getting to know someone of they can read everything about you already. I suggest writing something funny or your favorite quote from a movie. That way when you do get a message from someone you actually have something to talk about. (on one of my many profiles I wrote something along the lines of finding sloths extremely relatable… is it the best quality to put out there NO, but at least they know what they’re getting themselves into). 

3. If you’re going to be the first to initiate contact with… the OTHERS (dun dun duuuuuuun)… start off with something funny. Making people laugh is always a good way to soften them up and TAKE EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER LOVED FROM THEM!! Just kidding don’t take anything from anyone without asking permission… HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!. All joking aside it’s a great ice breaker, and by some crazy chance that person doesn’t respond to you or doesn’t understand your level of funny… tell them GO F🌙CK YOURSELF NOW YOU’LL NEVER KNOW ALL OF DISSSSSS (pointing at yourself.. it doesn’t matter if they can’t see). Or you can just quietly delete them from your life because they weren’t good enough for you anyway.
4. This one is for the guys… don’t be a d🍆ck. When I say d🍆ck I mean don’t send a d🍆ck pick NOBODY wants to see that, and I also mean don’t be a jerk or crude. It’s like that old saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Also ladies don’t be an 🍑hole either… unless the other person starts it then be my guest.
5. Be straightforward tell the person(s) that you’re talking to what you’re looking for. If it’s only for the chitty chitty bang bang, that’s fine just make sure you clearly state that. That also goes for those out there that are looking to get married tomorrow.
6. Finally just have fun…go with the flow you might not meet the love of your life but you’ll learn how to think on your feet and have good come backs for all those pervs out there that are like “so wanna suck my dick”… you can be like ” ooo don’t you need to have one for that to happen” you know something along those lines.
Well there you have it, go do you playa pimp!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (this post should’ve probably been the first one of this series… oooo well to late for that!)

Blogging 101 (Emily’s Way)

First things first I find my self f🌙cking hilarious! I’ve been playing around with this SnapChat filter, and I keep cracking myself up.

Now on to the topic at hand. A couple of people have asked me how I come up with stuff to write about and I guess my process… idk people just being nosey as hell (jk jk not really but sorta). Well I shall let you all in on a little secret. I usually have absolutely no clue what I’ll be posting on Sundays. I literally type up most of the posts while I’m in/on the loo (for those that don’t understand British… that means bathroom/toilet). I know you must be wondering is she in the bathroom while she’s typing this? Yes, yes I am. I do my best thinking in the bathroom and I figured it’s better spent typing my blog than playing some game that will eventually piss me off.

For those rare occasions (like tonight) that I actually have an idea of what I want to write, I have a list of points (for reference please see following two photos: 1st photo is my typed version for those times I’m either at a red light or stuck in traffic or maybe when it’s not Sunday yet and I’m sitting on the toilet and a magical thought comes to mind and I know with the memory I have I’ll forget in the next .05 seconds if I don’t type it somewhere. 2nd photo is for those times where I’m driving or walking because I can’t multitask like normal people. My brain can’t compute typing and walking without tripping or bumping or getting hit by car at the same time, and also for those times when my lazy really kicks into high gear and I don’t want to type.)
So my advice to those that are thinking of starting a blog (or really just want to know how I come up with my genius) just do it!!! Write about whatever you want! But most importantly do it in the bathroom because no one will bother you while your writing.

Love Ya From The Moon and Back,
Emily ( also if you’re super anal and need to follow a set of rules… well you’ve come to the wrong place.)