So I started a cooking show (Started Wednesday ended Thursday) called La Loca En La Cocina which means The Crazy Woman in the Kitchen ( my mom made this title up and at first I was like damn you think I’m crazy, but as the night…I mean show progressed I understood). Anywho for Thanksgiving I helped my mom cook the most delicious food that anyone in the world could ever eat made by the best chef in the world…. ME!!! Just so everyone knows I have no clue how to cook, I just watch a lot of food network so basically I’m a professional. What and how was this show done? Good question random person. What I did was basically repeat everything my sous chef ( aka my mum) told me to do to the live studio audience (aka the wall above my stove). I had special guests come on the show like my brother, my cousin and my daughter Taily ( for those that don’t know she is my doggy daughter and her name is pronounced Tie-Lee… don’t ever fuck her name up she gets very upset and I can’t deal with her mood swings!).
My show consisted of me yelling at my sous chef for telling me what to do and then profusely apologizing because I needed my mum to tell me because I have no clue what I’m doing, and also mispronouncing herbs ( like Cumin was come-in, Thyme was THyme (hard TH), Paprika was PAP-RIKA), utensils ( Knife was K-nife, Wisk was that thing that looks like a metal light bulb that was missing parts, fork was fuck)and naming the turkey ( his name was Thomas with a hard TH). I channeled my inner Ramsey, Gordon Ramsey ( I don’t know why but I feel his name should be said Bonds way), Giada ( I smiled a lot), Emerald Legassie… I hope that’s how you spell it ( I BAMMed alot, especially with cheese… I don’t care if I am possibly, maybe, probably lactose intolerant I will still love you!), Paula Deen ( I sometimes had a country accent I don’t know why…ooo I remember every time a stick of butter was used my country accent showed up).
Finally I channeled my inner magical chef, who might have had a British accent mixed every now and then with Spanglish, and some times just straight up rated TV-MA… which I just looked up and it means only mature audiences can view. Yeah… I know SCANDALOUS! What I’m trying to tell you is that I will be winning an Emmy for the most amazing cooking/reality/family show ever!!!
Well you crazy kids… I say good day!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Chef Emily ( wow that has a nice ring to it!)