Month: November 2016

The World of Online Dating!

Just so everyone knows I have horrible memory. With that being said I’m not exactly sure if I wrote about online dating…and I’m way to lazy to go through my precious posts Sooo yeah. I’m going to write about a couple experiences that I had these past two weeks with this thing people call online dating.Once upon a Monday or Tuesday ( I’m not really sure what day) a lovely lady received a message from two possible suitors and the following is what transpired in these interactions. ( I know you like it when I speak all sophisticated and what not)

So this guy messages me letting me know that I have beautiful lips and if I was good with my lips… First of all guys don’t, just don’t do that, you sound like a pervy creep so just don’t. Any who I know I should’ve ignored him but honestly I love fucking with people so I replied with… “Well I’ve had them for about 26 years or so I would assume I’m pretty knowledgeable on how they work.” Of corse because I don’t know when to stop I continued. “I’m pretty good at like talking with them and like shoving food in between them and chewing said food and also I’m pretty fucking amazing at like drinking water and alcoholic beverages with them.” I guess home boy didn’t expect that reply so he said “no that’s not what I meant… Are you good with Sally ( I actually don’t remember the name he used, but he used some name that Was meant to reference giving some headsies). So I replied with ” actually no I’ve never met Sally, but I heard she’s a real bitch.” And well that’s the last k heard from him. Moral of the story here is I should really learn this new lingo the kids are using these days cause I really couldn’t gotten my self into some shit if I wasn’t a smarty pants nah mean.
Now onto our next story. I got into an argument with a stranger the other day about proper getting to know a person etiquette. According to this guy I over stepped when I asked him what he does for work? He tells me he doesn’t have a job. In my head I was like ummmm WHAT?!? You’re a 28 years old man and you don’t have a job! And then I was like Emily calm your tits maybe he’s just I between jobs you know because I know it’s hard out in these streets to get job right now…in real life I said ok… So what are your hobbies?… I’m here just trying to get to know home boy and he comes at me with paragraphs…. PARAGRAPHS… Of why that was Inappropriate for me to be asking such questions to a person you don’t know and blah blah blah… So I respond (probably not the best way but I can’t help myself I’m an asshole and he pissed me off while I was having my delicious General Tso’s Chicken) well isn’t someone getting a little defensive. How else would you like me to get to know you by asking you how you think the weather is today? He comes back with well maybe with other dudes you can ask questions like that but not with me I prefer to be asked those question in person or on the phone… So I said well I guess we’re never going to know anything about each other because you won’t tell me what you like to do… I’d like to get a heads up if shanking people is your thing. Moral of this story is If you didn’t know don’t ask people about possible employment or activities they enjoy doing it can set off a shitload of banana hammocks that you didn’t ask for. 
Oh!!! I’m currently having a conversation with douche number 3. His opening line was I heard that you’re famous. In my head I was like fuck yaaassss I’m famous… For being awesome! In real life though I said actually that’s the first time I’ve heard this. And he was like yea you’re famous for sloppy blowies. (Honestly man what the ever loving duck is wrong with guys). Any who I said “oooo sorry no, you must have me confused with yourself.” And I have no moral for this story right now because it’s still writing itself.

Well that’s all I got for tonight.
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( guess who has their own domain now!!! ME!!!! Life As A Moon is officially LifeAsAMoon.com holy shit balls!! 💃🏽… if you can’t see this emoji it’s the dancing lady in the red dress!)

La Loca En La Cocina!

So I started a cooking show (Started Wednesday ended Thursday) called La Loca En La Cocina which means The Crazy Woman in the Kitchen ( my mom made this title up and at first I was like damn you think I’m crazy, but as the night…I mean show progressed I understood). Anywho for Thanksgiving I helped my mom cook the most delicious food that anyone in the world could ever eat made by the best chef in the world…. ME!!! Just so everyone knows I have no clue how to cook, I just watch a lot of food network so basically I’m a professional. What and how was this show done? Good question random person. What I did was basically repeat everything my sous chef ( aka my mum) told me to do to the live studio audience (aka the wall above my stove). I had special guests come on the show like my brother, my cousin and my daughter Taily ( for those that don’t know she is my doggy daughter and her name is pronounced Tie-Lee… don’t ever fuck her name up she gets very upset and I can’t deal with her mood swings!).

My show consisted of me yelling at my sous chef for telling me what to do and then profusely apologizing because I needed my mum to tell me because I have no clue what I’m doing, and also mispronouncing herbs ( like Cumin was come-in, Thyme was THyme (hard TH), Paprika was PAP-RIKA), utensils ( Knife was K-nife, Wisk was that thing that looks like a metal light bulb that was missing parts, fork was fuck)and naming the turkey ( his name was Thomas with a hard TH). I channeled my inner Ramsey, Gordon Ramsey ( I don’t know why but I feel his name should be said Bonds way), Giada ( I smiled a lot), Emerald Legassie… I hope that’s how you spell it ( I BAMMed alot, especially with cheese… I don’t care if I am possibly, maybe, probably lactose intolerant I will still love you!), Paula Deen ( I sometimes had a country accent I don’t know why…ooo I remember every time a stick of butter was used my country accent showed up).

Finally I channeled my inner magical chef, who might have had a British accent mixed every now and then with Spanglish, and some times just straight up rated TV-MA… which I just looked up and it means only mature audiences can view. Yeah… I know SCANDALOUS! What I’m trying to tell you is that I will be winning an Emmy for the most amazing cooking/reality/family show ever!!!

Well you crazy kids… I say good day!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Chef Emily ( wow that has a nice ring to it!)

Where Do The Stairs Lead?

This is the first time I’ve ever based a whole post off the title. After reading said title you might be thinking this is going to turn into some inspirational speech about never giving up or taking one step at a time or trying to work your way up (insert inspirational words that have to do with stairs), BUUUUUT it has nothing to do with that. This is actually a rant about several sets of stairs I’ve seen. I have taken a pictures of these stairs so everyone can understand the confusion and quite honestly some anger because of said confusion. This might not be the best picture I could’ve taken… all I can say is that I was driving to work and I wasn’t trying to get beeped at by morning commuters for me to get a better picture SO DEAL WITH IT!!! I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to yell, just thinking about these stairs anger my soul.


Now that you’ve seen the stairs… WHERE DO THE STAIRS FUCKING LEAD? NO WHERE!! I don’t know if they are just there for decoration or if they are waiting till fucking pigs fly to continue the stairs to the sidewalk!! I DON’T KNOW!! No one can use the stairs, it’s not like that little patch of grass can do anything! You can’t garden there you can’t do anything there! I just don’t understand. Like is it the front of the houses I’m looking at or is it a backyard of fucking danger!! What were they thinking! And the house that these stairs belong to are beautiful, but why not finish the stairs. I just don’t understand. Now I’m all angry and I shouldn’t go to bed angry…or does that only apply to couples who live together, well know I’m angry and lonely isn’t that a great depressing combo. I say good day!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I might also be angry because there is a huge possibility that the no Cheese experiment might have worked and I could possibly be lactose intolerant… isn’t that great!!! Right before the fucking holidays! All this delicious cheesy foods *sigh*)

Vino Viernes… Bonus Post!

Vino Viernes is back but for one night only… well honestly who knows it might just come back the the week of January 20, 2017… but I guess we’ll find out when we get there.

After the events of this past week I needed a fucking drink. WHAT. THE. FUCK. HAPPENED?! How is it that someone with NO political background is going to be the next President of the United States! That is some fucked up shit. 

You know what worries me the most about Donald Trump becoming the president… it’s not what he can possibly do, because there are no drastic changes that he can make without the approval or support of congress and the senate and all that shit. What has me worried is what Donald Trump represents. This man represents racism, this man represents misogyny, this man represents sexism, this man represents bigotry, THIS. MAN. REPRESENTS A COUNTRY DIVIDED.

I fully understand that people want a change, but is this the change you were asking for. Did this change include the United States of America regressing. When Donald Trump and his campaign said they wanted to make America Great Again, did he mean when people of color or people in the LGBT community lived in fear, or when woman had no rights. Is that the America he’s talking about. If we want a change we have to BE that change. We have to continue to progress. We have to continue to make America Great, not again, because a Great America is one that stands United, is one that no matter the color of your skin, sexual orientation, or sex you’re opinions mean something, that your concerns and fears are heard and that something productive is done.I hope that Donald Trump does prove me wrong, and works his ass off trying to make our country better.
Well that’s all I got, see you Sunday!( hopefully because you know I am very forgetful and also lazy)
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Michelle Obama for President 2020!)

P.S. I’m not even drinking wine, I did buy some though (I bought the Barefoot refreshers and they are Delish!!!). I’m actually drinking Blue Moon. I just couldn’t think of a good title with Blue Moon or Beer.
P.P.S. Happy Veterans Day!! 

Not The Cheese, Anything But The Cheese!!

I have found out some terrible news I’m lactose intolerant… ok soooo technically I haven’t been to a doctor and tested and all that good shit, but I webMDed my symptoms and it points to lactose intolerance so I self diagnosed myself which by Google standards says it’s something that is self diagnosable. Anywho for those that don’t understand why this makes me sad let me let you in on a little secret, I LOVE CHEEEESE, all kinds of cheese and I love ice cream and chocolate milk! I have never had this problem before. My body was perfectly capable of digesting lactose and then BAM!!! Out of no where I’m having stomach pains and my tum tum is making weird noises, and I am very well acquainted with my bathroom and my work bathrooms walls (if you know what I mean), AND all these things happen when I have any dairy based foods! I am the saddest panda!! 

This week I’m going to prove that I am either lactose intolerant or I just have some fucked up stomach issues that might need actual medical attention. Obviously I’m not going to do the smart and sensible thing and go to the doctor, what fun would that be. Basically what I will be doing this week is cutting out all dairy products ( meaning cheese because that is the love of my life) to see if I stop having these symptoms. On top of it all my mom decides to make this pasta with a milk/cream based sauce(if you were wondering I’m writing this to you live from my bathroom… sorry that was uncalled for you didn’t need to know this, but I don’t care welcome to my life!). As I was saying that means no left overs for me. 
Well I shall let thee know how my experiment goes. Toodles!! 
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Saddest Panda)

P.S. Yes that’s me as a (hot and sweaty ass) panda for Halloween!!!