“The Saddest Day Of My Life”

“The saddest day of my life, is when you left me with a broken heart I was feeling the pain, the pain, the PAIN” ; you might be asking yourself ” Emily why are you singing this song “Saddest Day” by Wayne Wonder and from what Google is telling me Foxy Brown? Well guys I’m super sad that’s why I’m singing it. One of my sluttos ( male version of slutties, which is what I call my group of friends) has moved away to another state people call Texas! Fucking Texas man!! That’s far as fuck! I’ve been friends with this mofo since grammar school people!!! This mofo has been in my life since before I knew what boxed hair dye was (this is the first thing I could think of because I’m about to dye my hair).

To say goodbye to our friend we had a going away party on Friday, and it was Texas/Country themed! Basically we dressed up like how we think people from Texas dress. You know jeans, some plaid, some boots, and some plastic Cowboy hats. We ( when I say we I mean Frover and I) tried to speak with a southern accent, it went well for about 5 mins… But then my mind automatically started talking with a British accent. So basically I stopped. It was a successful party we drank, made fun of each other, played beer pong, had some delicious motherFing Jell-O shots, talked shit about other people that were in other rooms of the house ( mainly a certain somebody that was brought to said party and introduced as a girlfriend of my Texas Bound besties brother that didn’t want to participate in our picture taking… Well not me because I rarely take pictures but my slutties were taking pictures and home girl turned her face… HOW RUDE!!), had a cowboy boot shaped piñata with sex related things stuffed inside…

imageBasically some good ole fun with some crazy people and that one girlfriend of my Texas Bound besties brother that didn’t want to take pictures. We had a blasty blast. It was the perfect way for us to say goodbye to our friend! Well that’s all I got for today!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( to my Texas Bound Bestfriend since grammar school (even though I don’t think you read this)… I’m going to miss you like crazy… I hope for the very best for you and I freaking LOVE YOU MOFO!! Just remember that I’m you’re number 1 bestie not Frenemy… Ok?… ME I’M YOUR BESTIE!)

The Olympics Have Me Feeling Patriotic As F***!

The Olympics have me feeling some type of way! While watching Michael Phelps swin (no not a typo… That mofo was swimming and winning!!! #swinning! I like to make up words don’t judge me) the other day I found my self trying to dolphin kick with him while he was doing his backstroke. Like me kicking from my couch is going to help him… But I also kind of feel like it did because he swon that shit! Don’t even get me started when On freaking gymnastic. I constantly yell at my mom for never putting me in gymnastics, even though at this age I would be considered an old fart, but I could’ve been like Nastia Lukin and won gold in the 2008 Olympics and just be a badass Olympic commentator! OMG!! For the first time I saw woman’s rugby and basically decided that I will learn all the rules of this game become a master player and make the US team in time to make it to the 2020 Olympics in Japan!!! I’m freaking focused! I’m gonna be so bad ass at rugby that even countries I’m not from are gonna ask me to play for their team!!! OOOO and I heard that they’re gonna be bringing Softball back and I’m also gonna be playing for them in the 2020 Olympics. Do you see what I have to deal with, my dreams get a little to excited sometimes. I have to bring it down a notch, I’ll just stick with being on the Olympic rugby team because I would love to lay out some people.

Other than wanting to become an Olympian at every possible sport that I think I can master in the next 3 and half years, the Olympics also have me feeling so patriotic it’s crazy! Every time the U.S. wins a gold and they’re up on that podium with their gold medal, watching our flag rise, and listening to the national anthem i cry as if I’m the one up there! I cry as if I worked hard as fuck to get where they are and it’s freaking magical! Well that’s all I got for today see you all in the 2020 Olympics!
Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I was just kidding I’ll be back next Sunday… But I will also begin my Olympic training.. I say good day!)

The Magical Things I’ve Figured Out This Past Month!

So I’ve been the shittiest of the shittiest people. I said that I would post something on the Fourth of July and here we are on August 7. WOW!! Doesn’t time just like fly by. Anywho, I’ve stumbled across a couple of pretty Awesomeballz things and some pretty stupid shit this past month. I was going to write this in my OOOOOH so favorite list form but then decided against it because what I have to say cannot be numbered. Only because some of it is long. Ooo fuck it I’m making a list!! I shall call this list The Magical Things I’ve Figured Out This Past Month!:

1. Stop what you’re doing because I know how to figure out who you’re meant to be with by finding out what day they’re birthday lands on. If both your birthdays land on the same day then…(Drum roll Sam… Tap tap tap tap tap… That was Sam… My drummer) YOU’RE MEANT TO BE!! “But Emily how do you know these other worldly things… Well it’s easy… My parents have been married for more than a thousand years and they still seem to tolerate each other and their birthdays land on the same day!!

2. People who don’t know how to staple papers correctly apparently piss me off! I learned this at my new job. Everyday I have to remove staples from stacks of f🌙ing papers and then re-staple those mofos. Like how hard is it to staple in the fucking top left side! Holy freaking walrus balls!!

3. As we all know I am a very indecisive person. I’ve told you about my dabbling in several majors and hobbies and all that good stuff. But I have a new hobby that I’m really getting into. Photography. I took a class once,  you know in that time when I was trying to be pre-med ( and realized this shit ain’t like Grey’s Anatomy, but then simultaneously remembered that in Greys they were already done with the whole pre-med part of becoming doctors so you know long story short… I’m not a Doctor) and I thought the class was kind of a joke. My professor was a tad bit on the eccentric side( basically she was a little nutty bar). Now thinking back on this class I wish I would have taken it serious. I’ve always loved taking pictures but now I wish I learned more about it. Damn me and my asshole ways!!

4. Once upon a time a girl named Emily decided to go braless. It’s was a magical time but she came across some thing she had never thought of before this day. So the day Emily decided to let her titties be free was the day she was hugging everybody and their mom (this is just an expression I really wasn’t hugging moms… Just wanted to clarify this). Those people Emily hugged felt a whole lot they weren’t expecting. It was just full on titties with no bra barrier and it might have been slightly chilly… Just saying. This same night Emily meets a new person all the others she had hugged till this point she didn’t care if they felt tittie because they were her friends and they know that Emily is a little on the not normal side, but on this marvelous day of tittie freedom she met a new person and oh was he a hugger he went straight for the kill… And in her head she was like damn it this guy just felt nip town. Oh and a little advise for those with bigger chesticles… You might want to bring baby powder with you because you will get swamp tittie.

5. Finally I wanted to tell you about the time at my other job when I was complimented on my speaking voice. This woman had me so freaking flattered that I was blushing! She asked me if I ever considered working in radio! I was like GIRL!!!! Who is paying you to say these wonderful things to me! Needless to say I’m obviously going to pursue and career in radio now. Because I have a “beautiful speaking voice”. OOOO Gosh! *blushing* Still gets me every time.

Well that’s all I have for tonight. I shall see thee when I see thee!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that I was pregnant, and woke up freaking out reaching for my belly and was immensely relieved that it was not true… So clearly I’m totally ready to have a baby.)