Month: September 2015

Congratulatory Ass Slap!

I want to know who decided the best way to congratulate a teammate is by slapping their ass.

I can imagine that first person who did it was probably just trying to give his/her teammate a pat on the back but when they were about to they tripped over their own foot and while they were falling their hand was still in the ready position to pat said teammate on the back but because of the momentum of their body ended up slapping their teammates ass. Classic.

Now imagine said teammates reaction to having their ass slapped, they were probably scandalized and then figured their teammate that slapped their butt did it because he/she wanted to make him/her feel special and gave them a special pat on the lower region of their back (aka their ass). When in reality the teammate that slapped the other teammates ass was just trying not to do a face plant. It was all just a mistake but the rest of them team already saw it and were like yes this is how we should congratulate each other from now on because it’s super special!

Ooo what I would give to be the only lady on any sports team full of delicious men. Even if they messed up I would still slap their ass so they know I’m trying to make them feel special about themselves. And of course I would want the same respect I have given them, I would even bend over and say “guys didn’t I do a great job today” with a huge smile on my face. Hehehehe when I said that to my mom yesterday she laughed looked and my dad and said “did you hear what your awesomely whorish daughter said” (I might have tweaked what she said just a little).

It’s about that time again… Peace and Chicken Grease!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (since were on the sports subject… I LOVE DEREK JETER!)

Vino Viernes!

Tonight I’m drinking wine out of a box!!! This is some classy ass shit!!! It has one of those little push buttons that those big jugs of water have but with wine!!!! It is also the first time I have ever drank wine out of a box and I’m so excited! So the wine that I am drinking is from Black Box Wines and it is Cabernet Sauvignon. Thank the Lordt I bought that Sprite cuz holy shit this is dry as hell! Even though this wine might have won 40 gold medals I’d rather have my Sweet Red from Barefoot!

I’m Not a religious person at all, but yesterday I was watching people’s reaction on TV to Pope Francis’ arrival and it was very emotional. Just seeing their faith was really beautiful. What had me crying was when Pope Francis was in the cathedral and stopped to give a little girl a hug and then when he stopped and gave another little girl I’m a wheel chair a hug… What!!!! I couldn’t stop those tears.

On a lighter note, Me and my mom just spent about and hour or so in target. Which is pretty good for us because I think I can spend days in there and never be bored, but when ever I do come out I’ll have to owe Target my first born. I went to target to buy some things that I would need for my trip to California!!!! Yaaaaasssss!!! Which is 2 weeks away… I’m so freaking souped… Sooped… How do you spell that again, I haven’t used this word in forever. Any way what I’m trying to say is that I’m extremely excited! As I was saying I went to Target with a goal in mind… Buy a carry-on bag and a bottle of Sprite just in case I wasn’t a fan of the boxed wine. There are still a whole bunch of other shit I need to buy, but I forgot to write a list at least I remembered the luggage.

So we find the carry-on bag and are roaming through the isles until we stubbled upon the Halloween decorations. We found this skull that records whatever you say, so we basically spent the majority of our time recording lines from the movie “This is the End”. It was freaking highlarious I even recorded it and sent it to my brother. My mother and I are not allowed to go to Target anymore, we got lucky this time that we didn’t buy to much shit because we forgot a cart and were to lazy to turn around and go get one.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Target- proper pronunciation “Tarshay”. Don’t forget it!)

Ps. Big Booty Judy you will get your day I promise!

Randomness of the Noggin!

So tonight’s post is a collection of random stuff that has occurred in the past two days. I shall write them in order of when each thought popped into my noggin. Since of course I love making lists and will find any reason to make one I shall give thee one now. I call this list Randomness of the Noggin (before I start the list I want to let everyone know that I have THE worst handwriting ever I don’t understand half the shit I wrote… Why did I write this down 1st, you ask?… IDK)

Here is my list:
1. Yesterday on the way home from work I got stuck behind the train. The first thing that popped into my head was a scene of me running on top of a moving train; like in all action movies ever, and of course that part when Joey Fatone and Chris Kirpatrick ran away from that crazy chick in the Bye Bye Bye video… Classic.

2. Have you ever wanted aliens to take over the world, or even for there to be a zombie apocalypse so you wouldn’t have to pay your bills anymore. Sigh, that would be the life. I think I would be a magnificent alien slave or badass zombie, just saying.

3. When I was younger I had cut my lip open and I had to get stitches…Because you know I was an angel as a child. Yesterday my mom asked me if you could still see the scar from where I got stitches and ever since I’ve been having phantom stitches pain, thanks mom!

4. Outback has the most Delish bread ever!!! I love it!

5. Newest musical obsession is Alessia Cara! I’ve heard her song “Here” on the radio a couple of times but I was never able to get her name or the name of the song… Until yesterday when I heard her on Elvis Duran and the Morning show. I already loved her song, but after hearing her sing “Here” live and acoustic on the radio I completely fell in love! As soon as I got to work I bought her EP, which is called Four Pink Walls-EP! Everyone must get it! She’s amazing!!!!

6. Finally, this new Instagram DM confused the shit out of me. Frover sent a DM to me and the rest of the Slutties and when I opened it I thought I was in a group chat… Confusions.

Alright, alright it’s about that time. I say good day!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (by the way my hand cramped up at least 6 times while I was writing this. Just so you know I was physically hurt why writing tonight’s post.)

Rest in Peace to the greatest catcher in pinstripes Yogi Berra. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” -Yogi Berra

Brain Farts Are The Worst!

So I’m here doggy sitting/ just keeping the little nugget company at Sluttie McSluttersons, and this little dog hasn’t stopped running around. So I’m watching tv while watching puppy nugget run around the coffee table and while I was changing the channel I found Bring It On. This is one of those movies no matter if I’ve seen it to the point that I can basically recite the movie/cheers/choreography word for word, I will forever stop and watch it… Even if it’s at the end.

Any way as I was saying as soon as I started watching the movie I noticed that puppy nugget stopped running around and sat down in front of the Tv and literally (must say in British accent) watched the movie with me. Me thinks he’s a Bring It On fan, and I approve. Now that the movie is over home boy is on a rampage again. OMG I just realized that Vince Vaughn is always eating in all his movies, and not just eating regular but stuffing his face… OOO Vince Vaughn you cracks me up.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I want to apologize for this shite of a post I’m currently having a brain fart!)

Vino Viernes!

I was having a pretty good night (Was being the operative word) until some little sucka duck pissed me off!!! I shall start from the beginning for thee.

So tonight I went to the movies with two of my slutties… We saw The Scorch Trials, which was fucking amazing… Not only am I slightly obsessed with Dylan O’Brien, but I’m okay I’m extremely obsessed. In all honesty this movie was amazing… If you haven’t seen The Maze Runner go see that one first then go see The Scorch Trials, you shan’t be disappointed! Any way back to my story. So after the movie Boobielicuous and I decide that we Hungry, so we made our way to Applebee’s, because you know half price appetizers after 10pm, and while we were there we saw some peeps and caught up with people.

While we were there these two couples on what look like a double date to me, but they could totes be swingers who knows. Anyway these couples sitting behind Boobielicious were right in my line of vision! And oooo was the PDA on full blast! These mofos have no respect for us lonely motherfuckers. There they were all huggy and kissy and sharing fucking dessert… LIKE WTF, give me a break I’m about to be in tears here being reminded of my singledom! My lonely, broke, lonely singledom.

After I’m already depressed because I’m there with my Sluttie instead of my future Ex-husband, Boobielicious decides she wants to stab me and twist the knife(metaphorically speaking, but ooo did it feel real!!) this WHORE points out that our waiter didn’t even ID me for the Pitcher of Peach Sangria I ordered, which I basically drank the whole thing, I only let Boobielicious have one glass, well that’s what she deserved for inadvertently calling me old and then for literally (must say with British accent) looking in my face and calling me old! Now you know Boobielicious why you are a WHORE and why you only got one glass!!!

At those point I was still having a good night and then this is where this little mofo in the Honda Civic with his little mofo friends come into the picture! These little dickheads were parked next to my Manny, and were just sitting there with their windows down talking shit. So when we got in the car and started to take off this little shit head asshole piece of horse manure takes off at the same time as me!!! And then the little slut bitch cunt licker sitting in the back throws up dueces out the window!!! I don’t know if you understand the anger that was coursing through me!! I was about to do some horrid horrid things to those little fubnuckers! I don’t think people understand that I keep my ghetto locked down at all times, but when you do some dumbass shit like that my inner Chonga comes out and it’s a bitch to lock her up again! Okay I feel better now. I’m sorry for all the profanity today I just couldn’t hold it back.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( now because I’m all worked up I’m hot as hell!)

When I Grow Up I Want to be a Disney Princess!

Soooo you know I’m obsessed with anything having to do with the Disney Princesses. I’ve always wanted to be one since like forever, but you know that never happened! Any whoooo today while I was doing the dishes (I know scandalous… Me doing dishes!) for some reason I started thinking of all the Disney Princesses and how at some point in their movies some of them are doing dishes… Like Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana, I’m pretty sure Belle was doing dishes in that little cottage she lived in with her father, and Aurora (I think). Then it hit me Ariel was playing with forks and spoons and shit but she never had to do the dishes or the mermaid equivalent. You know why!!!! Because home girl lived in the SEA until she was 16… Down there the mermaid dishes and utensils practically cleaned themselves while they were being used!! That Ariel what a lucky whore! Not only does she get the hottest Prince, oooo Prince Eric…Erik…Erick? (Which way did this dude spell it!!) I have an unhealthy obsession with thee. Sorry I got off track, as I was saying not only does she get that fine piece of ass Prince Eric… Home girl never had to do the dishes a day in her life! She never had to wonder what the fuck is this nasty shit I’m cleaning, or eeeeeewwwww, or FUCK that’s hot, or damn it I have more water on my shirt than in the sink…thanks a lot SPOON… Okay I’m done. Not only was she a Princess under the sea (you like how I threw that in there. Wink wink), she married into royalty and had servants for the rest of her human/mermaid life!! So what I’m basically saying is when I grow up I want to be Princess Ariel! That’s all for now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Princess Amelia (AaaaaaahAaaaaaaahh AaaaaaahAaaaaaahhAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh… Just think of the part Ursula tells Ariel to sing so she can steal her voice and then you shall under stand the aaaaahhhs)

Splinterz and Friendships

Today after one of the characters in the book I was reading got a splinter, I started thinking of the thousands of times I’ve gotten splinters. My parents used to tell me if I didn’t get the splinter out right away it would gradually make its way through my body and eventually get to my heart and kill me. Till this day I still don’t know if that’s true because I was too scared to ever test the theory. What if I left that splinter in for to long and it would get sucked into my blood stream and jab me in the heart when I was least expecting it! That was some scary shit. So if anybody gets a splinter please leave it in and let me know what happens…If I don’t hear from you I’m sorry our experiment has failed, but know that you did it for the greater good aaaaaand for me because I’m way too chicken shit to try.

On to our next topic… A tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme… Beauty and The Beast. Sorry I get distracted very easily. What I was trying to say is our topic is about that question everyone is asking in the world of worlds! Can a woman and a man be “just friends” or would someone mess shit up and catch feelings? People I did freaking research for this shit! Okay it wasn’t research exactly I just asked my coworkers and friends what their views were on this topic. I got some mixed feelings! From my Home girls, my Slutties, my Bitches and hoes this is what they had to say: “I fuck all my guy friends I’m no help” -Big Booty Judy, “of course they can be friends… Keep those feelings to yourself, bro-cha-cho” -Frover, “only if the guy is uglier than you” -Big Booty Judy, and then Sluttie Mcslutterson gave me like a paragraph of poop! So clearly my friends are super helpful! The ONLY guy friend that answered me (I shall come after those other mofos that didn’t… Watch your backs!!) had some solid points. He said that on some level your somewhat attracted to all your friends girl or guy because you find something in them that you like and want to be around.

Now some of my coworkers were like nah man I don’t think it’s possible for men and woman to be just friends. At some point one of both would find themselves sexually attracted to the other and then go Bowchikawowwow, go do the nasty, get some sexy time in! I might have paraphrased, don’t judge!

Here’s my take on this topic. I think it’s completely possible to be just friends. My guy best friend… Let’s call him Worst Best Friend Ever… and I have been friends since like 6th grade and I have never had any kind of romantical feelings towards him or him to me! He’s just my bestie!! My mind compartmentalizes for me: the guys that I like I don’t consider them friends they are simply crushes in my mind, and the guys that are my friends are just my friends. That way no line gets crossed from friendship to sexship or relationships (that word gives me the heebie-jeebies). There you have it people after all my research my brain has solved it all on its own! Damn my brain is Amazing! All you have to do is put shit in its place and don’t let it move from them!! Super easy!!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I think I have commitment issues and I don’t know why… Weird.)

Ps. The moral of the story is keep your feelings to yourself you big baby!

Vino Viernes 9/11 edition!

This morning when I turned on the radio Z100 was playing the national anthem, and on a regular day I always get goose bumps, but today I was pretty emotional and it just brought me back to probably the most frightening day I’ve ever experienced. Today 14 years ago I was in 5th grade when I looked out my classroom window and saw smoke coming out of the twin towers. I remember hearing my teachers say that planes crashed into the World Trade Center, at first I was pretty confused because I never knew that the twin towers was the World Trade Center I had always just referred to them as the Twin Towers. Anyway after that I just remember my name being called over the intercom because my aunt came to pick me and my cousin up. After we went to my house and waited for the rest of my family to get home. All we did the rest of the day was watch the news and just be with each other.

It was all so surreal, I can remember that day like it was yesterday. At the time I might not have known the importance of the World Trade Center, but I knew the significance the Twin Towers had on the New York City Skyline. That skyline just looked so empty without them there. Now with the One World Trade there the skyline is almost balanced out. So in memory of all those we lost and to the twin tower I toast to you!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I drank some Barefoots Sweet Red… which is one of my favorites!!! It’s amazeballz so dooo it!!!)

The Lost Monday!

Sooooo I might have remembered a little late that Monday was Monday and not Sunday. Because of Labor Day I was off from work, so in my head the whole weekend just shifted. By the time I remembered Monday was Monday and not Sunday it was like 10:30pm and I had nothing to write about. Although my friend suggested I should write about the first thing that popped into my head, which was penis (totes inapprops). So I just decided to write nothing, because if I did it would just have been the word Penis written over and over again in lower case, in CAPS, in MiXeD… Nah mean. My post would’ve looked like the scene from 500 Days of Summer when Zoey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt are yelling “PENIS!!” in the park. So I vetoed that.

I was originally going to write about the dynamics in a guy/girl friendship, and if it’s really possible for guys and girls to just be friends without one or the other getting all “emotional” and feeling things more than friendship!. Buuuuuuut it’s hot as FUCK in my house right now and the light coming off my phone and the movement of my fingers on the keyboard is making me sweat like a person that sweats a lot, so I’m gonna leave this topic for Friday. This way I’ll be drunkish and it would probably be way more fun!

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,
Emily (let the California countdown begin… In 1 month and 1 day I will be heading to California know how to party, California knows how to party!!)

Vino Viernes!!!

Welcome and Good Evening, I have something really special prepared for you tonight! It’s going to tickle your pickle, it’s going be like the Goose that gets you feeling loose, it’s going dittle your skittle, it’s going to blah blah your blah blah… Sorry I ran out of random sayings. Anyway there’s really nothing special tonight I just wanted to get everyone hyped up. I’m sorry I did that I can be such an asshole. It might actually (must say with British accent) be Delilah (my alter ego) since its been a very long time since she came out to play. When she doesn’t get out much she starts to randomly seep into my everyday life, and that’s not good because this bitch is reckless. I find it so funny that my alter ego decided to name herself Delilah… Like why couldn’t she think of something more fun. Look at Beyoncé bro her alter egos name is Sasha Fierce… It’s amazing!! This is why Beyoncé is the Queen! My life goal is to one day be so incredibly famous that phones auto correct my name like they do with Beyoncé. I’ve spelled her name so many times that it’s started to look like it’s spelled incorrectly.imageSoooo tonight’s wine is Cabernet Sauvignon from Sweet Bitch! I’ve never had Cabernet Sauvignon before, but I just assumed that it was a dry wine! I feel like all wines that have a fancy name are dry… Clearly I know a lot about wines. Any way this wine was incredibly sweet. It was so sweet that it felt dry if that makes any type of sense. I love the sweeter wines but this shit was like have a shit of the sweetest syrup ( I can’t think of any syrup right now… I think I’m having a surfer overload). I had everybody in my house try this wine and everyone made the same face. Their faces was as if they had just bit into a slice of lemon! My parents were even saying that this wine could give you a good case of the diarrhea. If your into really sweet wines than this brand is for you because all the bottles I saw said a Smooth and Sweet.

Today my mother and I realized we can no longer go shopping together because we enable each other to buy random things we don’t need! Our original plan tonight was to go get dinner and then go buy another beach chair for this weekend. So after we went to dinner we stopped at Sam’s Club we ended up walking back out because they didn’t have anything. Next we went to Walmart ,which is right next to Sam’s, we walked around aimlessly until we came upon the beach chairs… I had to do some climbing but we found what we needed and we got the hell out of there because shit got crazy. You know if your in Walmart to long shit gets crazy!!!

While we were in Walmart I was telling my mom that I need to buy a suitcase for my trip to California next month, so she suggested we go to BJ’s. We went to BJ’s looked at the sit cases for like two seconds (because they were crazy expensive) and almost walked out with a supersize bag of peanut M&Ms, an oversized beach towel, some random tub mat and a new shower head for my bathroom ( that was like 50 bucks… I was willing to pay $50 for a shower head I don’t need instead of buying a suitcase I do need, I sometimes don’t understand my own logic) any way thank god those longs were long and we put everything back where we didn’t find them (sorry BJ’s workers, I know we’re such assholes).

Any-who after we leave BJ’s Mama Moon and I go to Burlington Coat Factory ( I don’t think that’s the name anymore, it might just be Burlington), so while we walk around there looking suitcases ( which were just as expensive as BJ’s) we find a section of paintings and photographs… So basically we walked out of Burlington without the suitcase, but I did get three new paintings for my room. I like to call it the Wino Wall!!imageLove Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the lady at the liquor store lied to me, she said the wine would be dry! How can I ever trust her again!)