Month: August 2015

Fatassness Overload

Why does the weekend go by so fast!!!! It’s like one second your clocking out for the day on Friday and driving home to get your drink on, and then you blink or black out or whatever… And the next thing you know it’s 6:15am on Monday and the first of your six alarms go off and your two seconds away from throwing your phone across the room, but then you remember that you don’t have money to buy yourself a new phone so you control your anger and proceed to put your phone on snooze five more times until the last possible minute so your not late for work. Well that was the long winded.

Any way today I was having so many cravings it was freaking crazy. I went from wanting pizza to wings to Chinese food to a glazed donut and ultimately decided on getting McDonalds just because it was on the way home. Because of my cravings and just my general fatassness I was thinking of things to blame it on. These are the three reasons I thought of for my Fatassness:

1. What my ovaries want they get. It’s that time of the month and Vanessa Gina is one demanding bitch.

2. It’s what the baby wants. Then someone would say OMG your pregnant congrats. Which I would reply with… Are you crazy no… I’m assuming the baby I would eventually have a long long time from now would make me crave different foods in a matter of 5 seconds. Speaking of being pregnant… I have some crazy ovary problems… So my mother told me that I should just get pregnant so that my issue would be resolved. Then she goes on to say you can just get artificially inseminated, and I was like if I’m gonna get pregnant I’m gonna do it the fun way. It was pretty highlarious. Then we went on to think of names for my future child and I told her we could name it Artificially Inseminated Moon, and she said yea we could call him Arty. So you heard it hear first… To fix Vanessa Ginas problems I shall have a child.

3. This is the most important reason for my fatassness, I WAS FREAKING STARVING! It’s true when they say you should never go food shopping when your hungry. I almost bought Walmart’s rotisserie chicken and five dollar pizza pie! My mother was no help while I was online getting ready to check out she started walking to the pizza fridge/oven thing to get me one, but I had to stop her. She’s no help.

In the words of Bugs Bunny “that’s all folks.”

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (future baby mama… Waaaaaaay in the future… Hopefully my baby mama status also comes along with wife status, but I don’t wanna ask for to much)

Vino Viernes! The Original

 

It’s back and better than ever!!!! The original Vino Viernes!!! Yaaaassss!!!! Just so you know this will be Ashley… Sorry I meant to put a short one… Ahhhh. Holy fubnucker this Canadian shit is strong as hell!!! If you haven’t noticed I’m drinking the bottle I bought in Montreal! It’s called Cassius Blackcurrant… I think there are a lot of names on this bottle and I’m not sure which one it is, but I can describe the bottle to you. Actually I’m super lazy and slightly sloshed ( I heard someone say this and I thought it’s was highlarious!) so I’m going to put a picture up instead!

As I said before this shit is strong as hell… Any way this wine has a very fruity taste! From what I remember the lady ( the one who had us taste the wines at the festival in Montreal) said that it was blackberry, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you because I’ve never had blackberries before so I can’t say. All I can tell you is that it’s pretty DELISH! My dad doesn’t like it so that means I like it even more!!!! Hopefully this bottle lasts longer than the others. One thing I suggest with this wine is taking breaks between sips, because it’s so sweet it can be very tiring. The thing I don’t like about this wine is that it kind of smells like potpourri… seriously just had the hardest time trying to spell potpourri, Who the hell knew there was a T in that word. I hate silent letters… If letters are put together to make a word then freaking pronounce the letters… All of them!!!! You don’t understand how much that bothers me!! Well that’s it for tonight peeps I’m gonna go drink/listen to music with my brother and cousin!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( how deep is your love… Aaaah ooooo aaaaah oooo… I want you to breathe me, let me be your air… How deep is your love, is it like nirvana, hit me harder oooo yeah, how deep is your love, is it like the ocean pull me closer!!! I love this song!!! Calvin Harris- How Deep is Your Love!!)

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Vino Viernes Part Deux

Vino Viernes Part Deux begins in 3…2…(mouths the number 1 and points to host)

Welcome back to tonight episode, this is the time one would give a recap of what they missed, buuuut as we all know by now I’m super lazy… I suggest just taking a quick gander and Vino Viernes Part Un so we can all be on he same page!

Today our story begins and ends on a warm Saturday (August 22). I know super sad, but all we did Sunday was drive back home; not many interesting things happened. Back to the story, Saturday we had a day full of adventures and obviously more wine!! Our main goal on Saturday though was to have the Poutine, so we basically planned our day around it… I’ll get back the the Poutine a little later.

You would think because we (myself, Boobielicious and Slutty McSlutterson… Just incase you forgot) were on vacation and well because it was a fucking Saturday and the day before we were up at the butt crack of dawn driving to Casa Carajo Land… I just asked my mom how I would translate that for you and it apparently has a bajillion meanings (most of them are bad) but in this case it basically means Far as F*** Land… And explored Montreal all day, that I l don’t know maybe we would sleep past fucking 8 O’Fing Clock in the morning; I digress.

When we all showered and dressed (separately… You nasties!!) we devised a plan for the day:

1. Exchange American Mula for Canadian Dough. This didn’t work out as we planned so we ended up just withdrawing money from a TD bank ( didn’t know TD is a Canadian bank… Well that’s what my parents told me so obvi they wouldn’t lie to me, or would they?). So I ended up taking out 100 in Canadian Dough which equals to like 70 something in American Mula… PEOPLE THIS WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!! How do I know the exchange rate when my mathematic skills are horrid, you ask. Well my friends I look on my Bank of America App and that’s how I found out. How did I get to use my app when I had my phone on airplane mode the whole time, you ask. Well me and these slutties I went with hooked up to every free Wifi we could get onto… That’s how! GENIUSNESS!!!! It’s was like everywhere we walked (well everywhere we walked in the Village) was like having contact with the world, because we hopped from Wifi (Weefee… Correct pronunciation, just in case you didn’t know) to Wifi. Of course everyone knows that if it’s not snap chatted or Insta-ed than you weren’t really there. HAAA gosh I’m so funny.

2. Food. You’d think, that’s simple enough… Weeeell not so much we still had to somehow read the menu to order breakfast.

3.Bikes. No not the motorized ones, although I do wish we had one of those instead. You see nobody tells you that when your going to explore a new city walking and/or biking, one must wear comfortable shoes and cloths. You might say that is common sense and I do agree with you there, but you don’t realize how much walking and or biking you have done until you stop doing it! Holy mother of pearl, I’ve never been in so much pain in my fucking life! The only thing that soothed my pain was coming across a, I want to say pirate festival, where they had Wine tastings!!! Yes I said Wine TASTINGS!!! And it was amazing! I tried like six different kinds and they were all amazing and I might’ve gotten a little tipsyish… And yes I did end up buying a bottle which will be revealed to you this Friday for the real Vino Viernes!!! So exciting! Aside from the wine we also tried Maple Liqueur? Liquor? I’m not sure which one was used on the bottle, but Holy Hannah Montana it was sooooo creaking (Crack and freaking morfied into one) good. So the lady that was giving us the sample told us at first to take a small sip so we would be able to taste the liquor… Then for the rest of the shot she poured cream in it and Holy Crocodile Dundee it was Canadian Maple Heaven! So so so so so so so feeling DELISH!!!

4. Poutine. YAAAAASSSSS. We got to have some Poutine. I’ve been wanting to try this since my brother went to Montreal last year and told me about it. He did not steer me wrong. This meal was so freaking good. I had the smoked meat Poutine, which is basically fries, the most delicious gravy, cheese and smoked meat on top. Holy Crap your pants fantastic! After a day of walking and biking this was the best lunch ever! If I could I would have one everyday!

5. Go to a bar and have a drink. Well we never got around to this one. By the time we got back to our hotel to drop off our bags of souvenirs, and then ride the bikes we rented back to the rental place, and then walk back to our hotel so we could relax before our ghost hunt later in Old Montreal we were freaking exhausted. So I’m going to break down how we got to that having drinks part. Don’t be so shocked sometimes your just to tired to drink,YES THAT HAPPENES… Judges! We were riding around what felt like the whole city, but really was just most of Old Montreal, since 11am till around 5 or 6 when we returned our bikes. Our asses were hurting so bad! At around 8:30 we went to go do this Ghost Hunt (more like a walking history class) McSlutterson had found, and that lasted till about 10pm… We knew we would be walking, but craptastic land they should warn you how much when you purchase these fucking tickets!!! When we finished this hunt we were starving and our bodies were in pain; so we went to go find food. By the time we ate it was like 11:30 almost 12am, ain’t nobody got time for drinking when you can barely tell if your feet are still attached to your body!

All in all our trip was freaking amazing, and I still have a bicycle seat imprint on my ass to show for it! Although next time I go to Montreal I’m going to have to buy clouds for shoes and padded undies for a more comfy bike ride! Bonne Nuit ( Good Night… I’m telling you my French is on point, thanks to google translate)!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I just want to apologize for all the F bombs I dropped tonight… That’s just the only way I knew how to express myself correctly.)

Vino Viernes Part Un

imageI’m BaaaaaaaaaAaaaaack!!!! How much did you miss me! First I want to let you know that I tried to do Vino Viernes on Friday, but because I was in CANADA!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t because I didn’t have service up there nah mean jelly bean! Any way I’ve decided that today, Monday, will be Vino Viernes Part Un (French for the number 1 just in case you didn’t know). So much went on this weekend that I have to give you two posts just to let you know of my Canadian Adventures, and so we begin!

Don’t worry just because I was in a different country doesn’t mean I didn’t drink me some vino!!! The wine we had on Friday (when I say we I mean myself, Sluttie McSlutterson and Boobielicious) was super French I couldn’t even pronounce it (the bottles name was Marquis de Méricourt… I know super fancy) what I did understand was that it was Rosé (I love that É, it’s so classy). One of the many things I love about Montreal is that little bodegas (aka corner stores) sell alcohol. I decided to tell you this because I bought this bottle in the bodega next to our hotel. Now on to the flavor… The first sip I took was pretty delish but the second and third were not so good. It had a weird after taste that I was not a fan of and it was slightly dry. It would definitely be better if I turned it into a rosé spritzer (with some sprite… That’s basically what I do to all the dry wines that I’ve had in the name of Vino Viernes because no wine goes un-sipped or in my case guzzled.

Now that I’ve spoken of Friday’s wine I must now tell you about our start to Montreal weekend.

So we ( myself, Sluttie McSlutterson and Boobielicious… Just reminding you who we consists of) started our day off at 5 in the morning. Well I actually stared at 5:15 because these hoes were coming to me so I gots to sleep an extra 15 minutes… Ha ha suckas! So our plan was to to start driving up at 6am. Any way Sluttie McSlutterson is the first to get to my house and we were here bullshitting while I got the final things I would need for our trip. Then I get a text from Boobielicious that she’s outside, so as we were walking through my house to go outside I randomly ask McSlutterson if she has her passport… Thinking the answer is yes I keep walking… When she says some form of “HOLY GUACAMOLE EMILY THE MOST AWESOME PERSON I’VE EVER KNOWN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE No I don’t!” My response was “are you forserious?” So the point of that part of the story is that we didn’t start our trip at 6, because we had to drive to McSluttersons house first so she could get her passport.

About five hours later (say it the way that guy in Sponge Bob says it… Hehehe) as were still driving up through New York and getting closer to the border my Waze (The Best GPS App ever!!!) Starts telling us things in French… Just so everyone know I am now almost fluent in French (not really but I’ve learned some new words)… Anyway when I looked at my phone to see what exit we have to get off its says Sortie 53 (Exit 53) and I look and I say in the car so everyone could hear (you know it was pretty loud because we had the windows down, trying to save some gas and also because it was freaking 65 degrees outside, but that’s besides the point) “Dude Waze (it’s pronounced WahZee… Not ways,  if anyone ever pronounces it wrong in my presence your dead to me… Okay I joke not dead, but I will Ignore you) is talking to me in French!!!! Aaahhhh!!!” So as were getting closer to the border I realize that once we cross the border were not going to be able to use our phones. I didn’t care care about not being able to use the phone the problem was that we needed Waze to get to our Hotel, so a dilemma arouse. So I decided to take screen shots of the step by step directions (don’t worry I wasn’t driving anymore McSlutterson was… I didn’t do illegal things) so we would have to kick it old school and read signs and actually pay attention rather than having something yell at you where you have to exit or make a right in 500 feet… Honestly who the fuck knows exactly what 500 hundred feet is!!! Come on son!!!! They have to say make a right at the next light sucka!! That would make more sense. Finally we get to the border and I realize how obnoxious America is, we have this huge United States of America across the tolls, while Canada just had a flag on the side… Super chill nothing yelling at anybody in letters to tell them where they have arrived! Although the USA sign is pretty badass!!! So once we crossed the border and arrived in Montreal we started to explore and we came across Le Village, which is the most spectacular place ever. It’s so beautiful and I instantly fell in love with the city. There is art work on every wall imaginable and music coming out of every where! If you go anywhere in your life you have to make sure you make it up to Montreal, this place is incredible.

I’m sorry but this is where Part Un ends come read about the rest of our exhausting but fabulous trip to Montreal on Wednesday in Vino Viernes Part Deux (because I’m super French Canadian now and also because I can only count up to three… By the way that means number 2)

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (I would totes move to Montreal… It’s so beautiful up there)

Snap… Crackle… Pop!

“Do you recall not long ago we would walk on the sidewalk…Innocent. Remeber? All we did was care for each other…but the night was warm. We were bold and young. All around the wind blows. We would only hold on to let go… Blow a kiss, fire a gun. We need someone to lean on. Blow a kiss, fire a gun. All we need is somebody to lean on!!!” I abso-freaking-lutely love this song… It just gets me going. This would be the song I listen to to start my day, it just make me happy! By the way that songs name is Lean On by DJ Snake and Major Lazer.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I was sitting in my room watching chiropractors adjust (aka crack… I watched so many I learned the lingo) people’s backs, necks, hips and feet. Practically everything that can be cracked was cracked and it was the most glorious thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Not only did it look like it felt incredibly amazing , but the loud cracking sounds was like music to my ears. When I crack my bones and I hear that loud pop I just have this deep soul quenching amazingness feeling seep through my body, like my work is complete… It’s thee best. You know what is almost at the same level but not really, is watching other people get parts of there body cracked… Omg I love it!!!

Ooo your gonna think I’m even weirder than you probably already do. I know you probably thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse… Weeeeellll it’s about to. So I LOOOOOOOVE watching people get their pimples popped!!! Ahhhh I know it sounds B.A.N.A.N.A.S, but it’s the truth. I have no clue what it is about it I just get so excited! And the bigger the pimple the better it makes me feel… I think I just like the feeling of being grossed out. At least I know I’m not the only one, my sluttie Royal Blue feels the same way I do. I think that’s one of the many reasons we love each other so much. We’re like two pimples in a pore…you get it like two peas in a pod but like way grosser… I’m pretty sure grosser is not a word, but I don’t care deal with it!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( two days till Canada!!!!!)

Ps. This is what my YouTube home page looked like!

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Ugh… Monday’s… Blah!!

First I want to start by saying… T-minus 4 days till CANADA!!! Yasssss!!! We coming for you Canada… I’m so freaking excited. Even though I will only be on my mini vacation for three days I still had to go buy an outfit or four… Don’t judge there was a sale, sales are my freaking kryptonite.

What I was trying to say is no matter how long ( or short in my case) your trip is, I feel like it’s cardinal rule that one must buy brand new outfits. You don’t want new people to see you in your old cloths… Even though They wouldn’t know the difference, you know the difference and that’s all that matters! So moral of the story is buy new cloths when going on a trip, it’s apart of the vacation experience!!! I can’t wait for California in October, that trip is a week long soooooo you know I’m gonna buy a crazy amount of cloths!

I’m sorry but I gots nothing else to say and I’m gonna go have me some pizza rolls… It’s been swell, deuces!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (ugh Monday’s are the worst!)

Vino Viernes!!

When I got home today I was welcomed with the best thing ever!!! My cousins and brother telling me how much they missed me and loved me! Mmmh (sigh) to be loved so much… It’s the best thing ever!!! As we all know… Today is Friday!!! Vino Viernes!!!! For today’s wine I tried something new… Of course it’s still by Barefoot because honestly I don’t drink anything else… I had some Pinto Noir. Before I altered my glass of wine I took a sip like the classy people. The following is how to drink wine like a classy person:

1. One needs a wine glass… It’s a lie when they say size doesn’t matter, because it does… So get the biggest glass you have.

2. Pour about a sip into said wine glass.

3. Hold said wine glass by the stem ( which is the skinny stick part… I should’ve really done a wine etiquette Friday… To late for that now we must learn on the fly)

4. Slightly spin wine glass, and when I say spin I mean enough that the wine looks like a small whirl pool.

5. Stopping spinning after about two seconds.

6. This is a big one you must sniff the win… I have no clue why I’ve just seen and read that this is what should be done.

7. Take a sip but make sure there’s some air with it, as if you were slurping ( I’ve seen my uncle do this, apparently it’s suppose to bring out the real taste… Idk, whatever)

8. Finally, after you’ve tasted it and even if you like it or not pour yourself a larger glass (if you like the taste drink up… If not add some sprite to that bitch and drink up!!)

So what I’m trying to say is that Pinto Noir is a dry wine, and I’m not a fan of that kind but if Barefoot makes it I’m gonna drink. Obviously I added a generous amount of sprite.

I just have to tell you my reason for getting Pinto Noir… I knew from the beginning it was dry, but a when I saw the bottle in the liquor store I fell in love with it. First of all the bottle has a purple label… I love purple!!! Secondly I saw an episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt a while ago when I binged watched the whole first season in one day. If you haven’t seen it yet go on Netflix right now and watch it and if you don’t have Netflix I’m sorry but we cannot be associated with each other… I joke I joke… But seriously get Netflix because this show is amazeballz!! Anyway in and episode Kimmys roommate Titus makes a music video of a song he wrote called Pinot Noir! It is freaking highlarious!!! Please if you get anything from this post it is to look up Titus’s song Pinto Noir… I’m begging you!! OOOO and you should watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.. Just saying!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Pinto Noir, Caviar, Myanmar, Mid-sized car, You don’t have to be popu-lar Find out who your true friends are?… That’s just a little snippet of the song for you guys)

I Love Making Lists!

Just finished watching the movie The Giver… All I gots to say is… EVERYONE MUST WATCH THIS! I don’t care if it’s not your kind of movie… Dooo it!!! Okay okay maybe I should tell you a couple of things to persuade you to watch it!

1. I said it’s amazing and that should be reason enough… I joke I joke… But seriously watch it it’s really good.

2. The main character (played by Brenton Thwaites) is absolutely gorgeous… Although I thought he was like 16ish turns out he’s actually 26 (thank the lord for that).

3. Brenton Thwaites is Australian… And also plays Prince Philip in Maleficent… Nuff said.

4. Jeff Bridges… Loves him!!!

5. The goddess of all Meryl MotherFing Streep… Hellur!!!

6. Cute babies all over the place

7. It can be a total mind fuck, which I love!

8. Eric Northman (Alexander Skarshard) is still a beautiful creature… If you don’t know Erin Northman you better get up on that True Blood!

9. If movies aren’t your thing, this movie is based off a Book by the same name… And if the movie was this good… The book is probably 20 times more amazing (as books usually are).

10. T. Swizzle, Tay Tay, Swifty, my home girl Taylor Swift makes a 10 minute cameo! So what are you freaking waiting for!!!

I just told my cousin Saca Moco that I wasn’t gonna write about the movie… I lied I wanted to keep him in suspense!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just so you know it’s hot as the Devils sons armpit in this freaking room)

My Imagination Always Wins!

My imagination is on another level sometimes! I’m not going to lie though, having such an active imagination is where most if not all my creativity comes from. Well that and being awesome… It’s really a toss up between the two.

Why do I bring this up you ask… Well today at work when I was walking to the bathroom I started thinking that I was some secret agent and the bathroom is a hidden way to get to the secret headquarters where all the spies go and congregate, and receive their missions. Once that thought popped into my head I was like WTF is wrong with me… It’s just a normal bathroom crazy! While I was sitting there doing number 1 (you know the pee pee) I realize I do this a lot. I’m not sure if it’s because of all the movies I watch that I start thinking I’m living out a scene; it’s not like I’m acting this shit out, there’s nobody in my head calling cut… It’s really happening in my head in vivid detail.

That’s one of the reasons I don’t like to watch scary movies… It’s not even the movie that freaks me out, I fucking scare myself. I imagine scarier shit than anybody can come up with and that never goes away!!! After I watch a scary movie I feel like I can’t trust anything. One night I went into the bathroom (maybe it’s the bathroom that’s messing with my head) and I turned on the light and pulled the shower curtain back as fast as I could to make sure nobody was there. The other day I was a Sluttie McSluttersons house and when I was walking back to my car and where I parked was in like the darkest corner ever under a tree… I saw twenty thousand different scenarios in my head from every possible scary movie. So I unlocked my car and jumped in (because if you’ve learned anything from a scary movie never longer too long) and turned around to make sure nobody was there to shank me and then I looked in my rear view mirror just in case that mofo got in after I turned my head. Mind you we weren’t even watching anything scary, we were actually planning our trip to Canada! I’m telling you my imagination is going to give me a freaking heart attack one day.

There is one thing I love about it though, when I read books I can see everything I read as if it was really happening in front of me. That’s one of the reasons I love reading more than watching TV. I like seeing the things my mind comes up with. I feel like it’s also I sign of my rebellious nature to not want to see what other people want me to see… It’s a problem, and I might be slightly crazy! Well there you have a little snippet of what goes on in my cranium.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( just so you know I make believe that I’m actually writing to you from the moon… Don’t judge me!!)

Vino Viernes!!!

AAAAAAHHHHH…. I’m sooooo freaking glad it’s Friday!!! I started out today in a perfectly good mood, and then it gradually went down the poop shoot. I thought everything was gonna be all good… There was no traffic I got to work super early, and because of that I got to take a quick cat nap. So I was super duper happy! Then I walked into the office and found out the AC was broken or some crap like that!! WTF!!! It was cooler outside than it was inside that office!! Of course this would happen on the day I decided to wear a half sleeve shirt… Sure it might have been super thin material and slightly seen through (don’t worry I’m super professional and wore a tank top under… I’m only slightly sluttie after work hours). Any way I was still sweating profusely! I am not a happy person when I’m HOT!!!! I get extremely cranky. My day was just blah after that. The only thing I had to look forward to was this big ass fan we have in the hall way, and every time I walked by it I felt like Sasha Fierce ( Beyoncés alter ego). All the single ladies all the single ladies all the single ladies now put your hands up!!

On to why we’re really here… VINO VIERNES!!! Today I’m having Barefoots deliciously sweet Moscato. As you all know by now I’m obsessed with Barefoot and would never say anything bad about any of its wines. Also this wine is amazing anyway so I have nothing bad to say even if I wanted to. For those of you that didn’t Moscato pairs perfectly with mild cheese… The bottle said so, and because the bottle said it I had to have some cheese with my wine today. It might not have been mild because it was mozzarella string cheese…cheese is cheese and I love it as much as I love wine!

I’m still super Grumpy Magee and hot so I’m out this piece… And I’m going to go see Grease and this movie night in the park my town is having!!! GREASE LIGHTENING GO GO GO GO GO GOGO GO GOGO GREASE LIGHTENING YOUR BURNING UP HE QUARTER MILE!! That’s just a sample of what I’ll be doing to night!!! Singing at the top of my lungs!!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( it’s electrifying!!! If you’ve seen Grease than you’ll know!!)

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