Month: July 2015

Vino Viernes!!

CALIFORNIA LOVE (intro to California love by sir Tupac)…And no I ain’t been to MIA I heard that Cali never rains and New York’s heart awaits…If you’re going to San Francisco, Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair, If you’re going to San Francisco You’re gonna meet some gentle people there…I’d be safe and warm I’d be safe and warm) If I was in L.A. (if I was in L.A.) California dreaming (California dreaming) On such a winter’s day, Okay I know it’s summer but deal with it! I’m going going back back to Cali Cali, so technically this will be my first time going to California… But I feel like I’ve been there in my dreams; that should count for something.

If you haven’t realized, by my beautiful medley of California inspired songs by different generations and genres of music… I’m going to California!!! YASSSSS!!!! It’s official people Sluttie McSlutterson and I will be going to Cali for a week!!!! I’m so freaking excited!!! We are gonna be the biggest freaking tourist L.A., San Fran, San Diego, and maybe Vegas has ever seen. Yes I know Vegas is not in Cali, but honestly when your that close to Vegas how can we resist. It would be a crime for us not to go to Vegas at least one night while we’re out west.

I think the thing I’m most excited about is being able to say that I was in the Pacific Ocean. I know totes nerdy, but I don’t give a Flying farting pigs ass!!! Even if it’s considered “too cold” to go in the ocean over there, I’m fucking going in… Even if it’s just my big toes IDC. I want to say that I have been in both the Atlantic and motherfing Pacific Oceans!
Anyway as the time for my trip approaches, I will probably mention random things along the way! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!

Today I’m sad to report that I did not have any “vino”. BUT I did have me some Piña Colada!! I hear from a source that no one knows about that Piña Colada is considered the Vino of all pineapple based drinks. Soooo there you have it… Those are the facts that I was told from a little birdy that works with a lot of Pineappley things. That’s all I have for you tonight.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I wonder if Californians have a different slang than New Jersians… They probably do, it’s probably way more chill that’s in Jersey)

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All I Wanted was some Peanut M&Ms!

I have a bone to pick with freaking vending machines!!! Today I was extra broke right and I really needed something sweet after lunch. I was gonna get M&M the peanut ones…I would’ve totes got the pretzel ones because those are theBomb.Com, but those weren’t in the choices I was presented with.

So I usually have lunch in my car, and it’s not because I don’t have friends (just in case you were wondering… I have a whole bunch of friends!!). Anyway me and Boobielicious have lunch together in my car so we can watch Orange is the New Black without anyone bothering us. While we were watching the show I got this M&M craving, so I start looking around my car for spare change. I only found 75cents (and in the store the candy is like 90cents) in nickels and dimes, and another 50cents in pennies, but because I didn’t want to look like a cheapie I decided I was gonna go to the vending machine and use the thousands of pennies I had in my car.

We get to the vending machine and this mofo doesn’t take pennies!!! I freaking dirtied my hand holding these Fing pennies for them not to be used. Pennies are Fing coins, they are a form of currency!!! You take these Fing pennies and you like it! How dare you treat Honest Abe’s side profile with such distain! RUDENESS!!! The vending machine was freaking lucky that Boobielicious had M&Ms and gave them to me, or else shit would’ve gotten real. That vending machine wouldn’t know what hit it! Watch your back vending machine. Anyway moral of the story Pennies have feelings too!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I was originally going to give everyone clues on how you know you’ve met the “One”… But this fucking vending machine pissed me off!!)

You think you know, But you have no idea.

I just finished watching Caitlyn Jenner’s show on E (I Am Cait), and I’m going to continue to watch this show. I’m not a fan of reality T.V; the only time I ever watch it is if there is nothing else on. This show just hit me in the Corazon (heart) really hard. I think it’s because this show to me feels genuine, sincere, and was able to make me feel so many different emotions I didn’t even know I had, it was incredible. I was able to empathize with her; I went from feeling scared and anxious with her when she was about to introduce her sisters and mother to Caitlyn, to happy for her being able to be who she really is an was her entire life.

While watching this show I started thinking about what she and other transgenders have gone through and are going through. Especially the teenagers, it’s hard enough being a teenager, having to deal with high school and cliques and puberty; on top of all that they are also struggling with who they are mentally, physically and emotionally. I just hope one day everyone can be accepted for they are.I know my life is nothing like Caitlyn Jenner’s life, but this show made me think about my experience. It’s one of the reasons why I loved it so much.

Throughout the show, I started thinking back to when I was a teenager constantly feeling like I lived in my brothers shadow, while struggling to find my place and my voice. I always wanted to please people, but at the same time be myself… I know that’s confusing, but that’s how I felt and sometimes still feel. That’s where I feel l can relate to Jenner. Because I felt like I lived in my brother shadow; I was always trying to be better than him, and to be seen as my own person and not just as Luna’s little sister. There were times where I felt like the only reasons I played sports was to be seen as either an equal or better athlete than my brother ( I felt like that was the only way to be seen at all). A lot of the time I felt like I was in competition with him. In high school I was always compared to my brother (Is she as good a ball player like her brother?… That one was my favorite). There were even times where I thought that my parents cared more about my brother than they did me. When your younger I feel like you only see through one spectrum; you only see what’s happening at that moment, and all these emotions are coming at you in full force. I felt that my parents were much more involved in my brothers sports than they were mine. So of course that lead to me believe that they loved him more. As an adult I can see the other side of things, the reason why it was difficult for my parents to make it to my games ( my games were at 4 pm, while my brothers were at 6pm… My parents were still at work when my games started).

I feel because I know who I am ( well sort of I’m still working on it, but I’m getting there), and because I’m older (I suppose)  I can see things differently… I have a new point of view.

I feel like I just had and MTVs Diary moment; “You think you know, but you have no idea… This is the Diary of Emily.”

Well that’s it for tonight… I know I know my thoughts are all over the place… To bad deal with it!

Lova Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I say everyone shall watch I Am Cait… You won’t regret it)

Vino Viernes!!

Thank the God of Asgard it is mother Fing Friday!!! It’s been a ridiculously long week for no reason. I just don’t understand why we need to work so many days during the week. For me the perfect work week would be Wednesday through yea that’s pretty much it… Just Wednesday. Ain’t nobody got time to work five or even more than five days a week… This is freaking insanity!

Today’s wine was ehh… It was Sutter Homes White Zinfandel. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t something I would drink again…You know unless if the world ran out of every other wine and my options were either to drink a Cupcake brand wine (which are freaking nasty to the point that my DAD didn’t want anything to do with it) and Sutter Homes White Zinfandel… Obviously I’m gonna choose the whitey. I did mix the wine with some sprite which made it taste 10 times better. I’m telling you Sprite is the real MVP.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me maybe I need to get some you know sexy time or it could honestly be my perverted mind… It’s most likely a mix of both, but today when I look at the clouds in the sky I swear to you I saw penises everywhere. Just so you know it’s not safe to be driving and staring at a freaking cloud shaped penis, it is extremely distracting. I took pictures of the cloud dingalings in question. These were both at different times and I don’t think they are the same one.

The first one I was in my car and I remember I was singing and trying to belt out the most amazing note you’ve ever heard (it was to Ginuwines Pony… That’s pretty Highlarious) and when I looked up I saw penis. If you’ve seen that J.Lo movie the Wedding Planner, it kind of looks like the scultures penis that Matthew McConaughey breaks off.

The second one just kind of looks like a Dildy. I went to this sex toy party once, and the instructor was showing us all these different size dildos in different colors and what dildo is good for what. I learned a lot like I mean A LOT!!! I didn’t know there was such a variety of dildos in the world… It was mind blowing (hehehe… I wanna say no pun intended, but I’m pretty sure it was intended). Anywho this cloud Willie reminded me of the dildo the instructor called Mr. Big (for obvious reasons). As Porky Pig would say “Th-th-th-th-th-THAT’S ALL FOLKS.”

image imageLove Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (mom don’t read anything after I talk about wine… It’s not important… If you have, lets just forget about it and never speak of it again)

Holy Boobies Batman!!

I generally think I’m a nice and kind person. Today I found the mean girl inside. At work around 330ish, my coworker tried getting my attention while I was in the middle of meditating at my desk… AKA a really quick power nap while making it seem like I wasn’t sleeping (It’s an art form, when it’s perfected). So my coworker calls my name and when I turn to her she mouths to me with her eyes bulging out “look at her BOOBS!!!”. At this point my mind was still on my “meditating”, and I had no clue what she was trying to say… So she tells me again and when I finally understand I glance up and HOLY GUACAMOLE!!! These were the biggest BOOBIES, knockers, literally watermelons I’ve ever seen… Like ever!!! What made it worse was that this ladies boobies were being confined by a shirt a tad to small for her chest. It looked like this woman had four boobies because the shirt was extra tight in the middle of her breasts; so she had two boobs under the crease and above the crease that was practically touching the woman’s chin.

This is where the mean girl came out, once the woman left I turn to my coworker and we just start laughing uncontrollably. I told my coworker that she could probably take a nap on those bad boys, and she would never drown because they would save her because they’re floating devices. I might have said other mean things, but I can’t remember (of course I remember I just don’t want to write them and make me look like even more of a jerk face). After I said it I felt like an ass, and even though she didn’t hear me I still felt like I should go find her and apologize.

After Our laughter subsided I started thinking this woman’s back must be freaking killing her. As much as I love my Thelma and Louise ( I have a feeling that I already named my boobs, but I don’t remember the original names) they hurt my back and they aren’t even as close to this other womans size. Then of course my next thought was holy shit… She must pay a fucking fortune for one BRA!!! Holy White Cheddar Popcorn the one in the black bag that’s so delish… I pay at least 40 bucks for a bra that lasts like maybe 3 months, obviously because I’m too broke to be buying better quality Bras or more than two at a time. Any who this is me apologizing to the woman with the big boobies…I’m sorry for being a mean girl, I’ll try not to do it again, but I can’t make any promises… I kinda like being mean sometimes.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (yes I have flaws, but everyone must love me any way… Or else I’ll let Delilah out and you don’t wanna mess with her)

Weekend Escapades!!

I now love CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!!! Why have I never had chicken and waffles before this weekend… I’m extremely disappointed in myself!

Anyway this weekend was one of the most productive I’ve had in a while and I’m freaking exhausted. I’m currently writing to you all while laying down and hoping I don’t drop my phone on my face.

So on Saturday, Sluttie McSlutterson, Boobielicious and I went to the beach… And it was magical. Well not really it was like any other beach day… We were in the water for what felt like half and hour but was really more like two hours. After being in the sun for hours I got extra crispy. I was some what pale before but now I’m a little golden brown with a tint of redness. I Didn’t get my crispy color just from Saturday though, I also went to the pool on Sunday… It was freaking hawt as ballssss!!!

My skin color wasn’t the only thing that changed, my once beautiful purple/grayish color has also disappeared on me! I now have some… I don’t even know what color it is now, but as long as it’s not green from the chlorine I can deal I guess.

I’m so so so sad that my PURPLE HAIR IS GONE! I love that hair I don’t think I can cope… I just loved that color so much. I thought I met the one. So I’ve decided to just let my hair be what it wants to be this summer, and then I’m going back to my one true hair color soulmate! Well Ta-Ta for now!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (the sun drained me… I need sleep!)

Vino Viernes!!!

I know it’s technically Saturday but it’s still Friday night for me!!! I know I know this is two nights in one week that I’m acting my age. Idk what’s gotten into me… I’m a freaking party animal!!!!

Sooo totes had a Roooooooad TRIP today!!! Well kinda we’re just down the shore for the night, but it’s still a road trip especially because there was some traffic and I decided ,thinking I was some kind of GPS, I would be able to find a way around it. Well we did find a way but it ended up being a tour of most of central/southernish NJ. So instead of the hour and a half it ended up being about a four hour trip. So yea I consider that a road trip!

After we finally got here, we went to a bar where I drank some amoretto sours ( so it’s more like Amoretto Saturday). I know it’s not Vino, but this is my go to drink when I got out… I just couldn’t give it up. Any way we went to a bar in Long Beach Island (LBI), and I saw my first live cover band and it was AMAZEBALLZ!!!!!! Okay it’s time for me to go now I’m about to eat some CHICKEN AND WAFFLES!!! Another first for me!!! I’m popping so many cherries tonight!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (question: Did the Chicken come before the Egg?… The place I’m eating at is called The Chicken or The Egg. Im so freakin clever)

Sistah from Anotha Mistah!

Just a warning I don’t really have much to say today. Not because I can’t think of anything to write about, but because I’m suuuuuperrrrr tired. “Emily, why are you so tired its not like you do anything?” Well first off that’s hurtful I do plenty of things like driving to and from work, singing in my car( which takes a lot out of you… Okay!), and I stopped to get gas today. I know your judging, but I don’t care.

Anyway the real reason I’m tired is because I actually acted my age yesterday. Yesterday was a normal day, I got home from work at around 6ish and did my usual routine. Which is check the mail, then use the bathroom ( because I’ve been holding my pee pee for way to long), but then I also bought a lottery ticket ( buying lottery tickets isn’t the norm… So don’t be thinking I have some big gambling problem; I’m toooooo broke for that life… I just had an extra dollar). Okay back to my story, the rest of the night goes by and at this point it’s like 9:30pm and I’m starting to get ready for bed. Yes I said 9:30pm, I’m a freaking Vieja (old lady) at heart. But then I get a text from my Sistah from anothah Mistah!! Me and Sistah from anothah Mistah have known each other since we were wee little lads! Her brother and my brother are besties for life, and of course so are we! This girl is my freaking Ride or Die chick… We can go weeks without seeing or even talking to each other, but once you get us together it’s like no time has passed… We just pick it up where we left off and keep it moving. As I was saying, Sistah texted me last night at like 9:30ish and asks me where I was. So I tell her I’m home… She replies come to the bar. Of course I’m thinking this girl is cray it’s like 9:50 I’m about to go to sleep. I’m guessing she knew what I was think so she texts me saying Rover (which is the name of the bar) and that’s it. So I had no choice… I got dressed again and went to meet her at Rover. I’m telling you she has a way with words and is VERY persuasive and she is the only person that can get me to do anything!

So basically I’m tired because I got home at like almost 1am… Don’t judge me I told you I’m a Vieja and one in the morning is late for me!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( to my surprise my brother, her brother and some other peeps were there… I’m kinda glad I broke my Vieja ways, I had fun)

HELLO NEW HAIR!!!

So I totally dyed my hair again, the blonde was boring me. My new color was supposed to be a blackish/purplish mix. Because of my blonde hair though, I’ve created a masterpiece!!! It’s more of a grayish/purple…I’m completely in love with this color. It looks so cool and totally different than anything I’ve ever done to my hair. I feel like I finally got a winner. I’ve met my hair color soulmate! Here’s a picture for everyone to see.imageIt might not be as noticeable in picture form, but it’s freaking bad ass in real life!!! I’m so excited about my hair that I just want to look at my hair all day in the mirror and tell my hair how beautiful it is and how much I love you, and that you are my one true love.

On to other news, I love you hair Sooo much!! Sorry I had to… Okay forrealz this time, I had a pretty good weekend… Well besides seeing my once upon a time love of my life and my mother saying such horrid things like asking about his so called “wife”. Ugh, As If!!! They’re not married, well I hope they’re not…okay I really don’t mean that (I kinda do, but I kinda don’t) I want them to be happy or whatever, but just not near me so I don’t have to like see it ever!!! OOOO and I thought my mother was on my side… How dare she call her his “wife” in front of me!!! I would disown her, but I can’t cuz you know I live in her house, so that would be kind of rude of me.

On a much much much much much much happier note, I saw MAGIC MIKE XXL… And holy shit that was, I don’t even have words to explain the MAN-liciousness that occurred on that screen. I bow down to those that decided to make a movie about male entertainers… Because GAWD DAMN!!! It was amazing. Magic Mike XXL, you turned my almost shitty weekend right around and ended it on a AWESOMEBALLZ NOTE. I was so flustered after this movie that me and alcohol are back in good terms… Because you know I needed a drink or two after that! Whew! I gots my self all hot and bothered just reminiscing… I gotta go!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( I finally have the purple hair I’ve been dreaming about!!)

Vino Viernes!!!

 

Oh yes it’s ladies night and the feelings right, oh yes it’s ladies night… Oh what a night… Oh what a night!

If my intro didn’t clue you in I’m hang out with the… Wait for it… SLUTTIES!!! I, Princess Amelia, Big Booty Judy, Frover, Ditzy Doodle and Boobielicious are here at Sluttie McSlutterson Bitch Pad (you know her apartment); watching Netflix, Drinking some Vino and reading Gay Porn Titles…you know the usual.

Soooo…the wine that we’ve decided to drink is Barefoots Reisling… I’ve had this deliciousness before, all I have to say is Scrumdidilyumtious.

Just so everyone knows alcohol and I are still not on the best of terms. After all my hard earn money going to support you and your life… How could you do this to me alcohol. I loved you once and this is how you repay me. Anyway I’m here taking the smallest sips I’ve ever taken in my life, because of my dedication to Vino Viernes.
OOOO so Frover and I were trying to buy tickets to see T. Swizzle in concert. Our plan was to wait till the last possible minute to see how low the prices would go. Although the prices were much lower than when we checked we ultimately decided not to go. As much as we loooove Tay Tay, it just wasn’t happening. One, I didn’t have the proper outfit and when going to a Taylor Swift concert, you gotta be all Swiftied out… And I wasn’t looking right. Aaaaaand the tickets were still kinda expensive… I gotta save my money for my Vino!
Sorry peeps but I gots to go were watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days… YAAASSSS!!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( Princess Sofie…Crawl the Warrior King)

Ps. I’m totes over this blonde/yellow hair I needs something new in my life.

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