Month: June 2015

Vino Viernes!!!!

So I’ve been slipping…Ayo I’m slippin I’m fallin I can’t get up, Ayo I’m slippin I’m fallin I can’t get up, Ayo I’m in slippin I’m fallin I gots to get, Get me back on my feet so I can tear shit up… Whoa!!! DMX jus’ don’ took over my body! Any way what I was saying is that it was brought to my attention by one of my friends, Mrs. Shark, that my Vino Viernes game hasn’t be on point. She literally said “no Vino Viernes, this is a disaster I’m deleting my account.” So from now on no matter how late I get home or if I’m not in the mood to drink (yes this happens… Gosh, I’m only human) I WILL drink on Vino Viernes. Because I don’t want to be yelled at again.

Now on to the wine!!! Today I’m trying a new brand. It’s called… MÉNAGE À TROIS… Hehehehe. When I saw it at the liquor store I just had to buy it. The name just pulled me in!!! So it’s Moscato… And if you know me you know I’m a big Moscato fan, aaaaand this one is in my top 5 on the Moscato list!!! It’s a little drier than what I’m used to, but it’s just Sooo good I even had to share with the parentals!!! I definitely recommend this one not only because it’s super DEEEELISH, but also because come on the name of the brand is pretty AWESOMEBALLZ!!

Soooo last night I was sucked into the YouTube Vortex!! What is the YouTube Vortex you ask? (when I ask myself these questions, I like to make believe there’s someone else actually asking me). Anyway the YouTube Vortex is when you start off watching some video at lets say 9pm and then the next time you look at the time it’s 2 in the morning and your like… WTF have I been watching for the past FIVE hrs!! Yes this happened to me last night! Everyone sit down its story time!!!
Once upon a time on the fourth day of the sixth month in thy two thousand and fifteenth year… This will take forever if I try and write my whole story in my version of Old English.
So it all started with a Buzzfeed video about a Starbucks interview where the last phase is how to write people’s names. Then right under that video there was a video called…why Starbucks spells your name wrong? It’s freaking HIGHLARIOUS!!! If you’ve ever been on YouTube you know that there’s a list either on the side or under the video you just watched that shows similar videos from what you’ve just watched… Well under that video was a video of how Ariana Grande would order at Starbucks. That is where the vortex sucks you in! You’ve been warned people!!
So when I clicked on that I watched it for a little bit, I didn’t really like it so I minimized it… And this is where my mistake happened… I should’ve just closed out YouTube but noooo. The next thing I know 2 hours have passed of me watching Ariana Grande, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, and Kelly Clarkson sing live! Not only were the videos of their own songs, I started watching the ones where they sing the national anthem. Giiiirrrl let me tell you… Goose bumps!!!
The next thing I know I’m watching videos of the funniest best man/maid of honor speeches! I have no clue how I got here!!! So now while I’m watching this I’m like if I ever become someone’s MOH… My speech has to be freaking AMAZEBALLZ!!! Then I was like what if I never get to become someone’s MOH, how will people ever hear this amazing, funny, heartwarming, but mostly funny speech that I’m preparing!
That’s when I stumbled upon a speech from the grooms sister!! And I was like YAAAAASSS!!! I have one of those things, you know a brother, so all I’m saying is my brothers future wife better let me have my moment in the spot light, because if not that bitch gon’ get got!!!

Dearest Brother of mine if your reading this I have two very important things to tell you: 1. Hurry the F*** Up and get married because this speech is gonna be LENGEN… Wait for it and I hope your not lactose intolerant because the second half of this word is…DARY!!! And 2. Tell future wifey not to get on my bad side! So yea I’m done bye!

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily (yes, yes I did just quote Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother and I did it real good)

Ps. I’m obsessed with Buzzfeed!!

VAnessa GINA!!

HOLY DONKEY KONG!!! I just wanna rip out my lady parts and throw them into on coming traffic… And walk away like I never knew them!!! Today VAnessa GINA decided she wanted to have her friend TECOMM over without asking permission. This mofo hasn’t been around for months and now this thing wants to show up! Real cute TECOMM real freaking cute. For those of you that might be saying “what the flap jacks just happened”; I’m bout to school you right now.
So basically what I’m trying to say is… I am menstruating! For most womans baby makers they get a friend visit monthly, which they call TOM (time of the month). Buuuut for me, not so much… VAnessa and I like to call this friend TECOMM. Why do we call it TECOMM you ask. Well it’s because it likes to come when ever the hell it feels like coming. It’s real rude like that! It doesn’t even ring a door bell or anything. It’s like I walk into my house and this mofo is just chillen on my couch, watching tv, drinking my wine, and eating all my stashed Oreos. Like I said this mofo is real rude! It’s not house broken!! By the way TECOMM stands for Time Every Couple of Months… MAYBE! Some of you might be like… isn’t that good that you don’t have to bother with it every month! Weeeeelll no… No… Not at all!! Just because TECOMM might not be flowing… Doesn’t mean I don’t get the horrible shanking, ripping, burning? ______( insert whatever word that can inflict excruciating amounts of pain here … Thanks) sensation that comes with having lady parts! Basically every month around the time I’m supposed to get TECOMM… I’m in pain, soooo, no it’s not a good thing! So I’m over talking about that… Just wanted to give you all that little snippet of my life.
Soooo I have this super border line obsessive crush on Chris Crocker!! If you don’t know who I’m talking about… You have to check him out. He’s freaking HIGHLARIOUS!!! I love all his Vlogs. Not only does he preach the truth, He absolutely makes my day! I would love to Vlog, but then that would mean I would actually have to wax my hairy ass eyebrows every two weeks and have my hair done all the time…. And Honey Bunches of Oats my ass is to lazy for that life. So I chose to Blog instead so I only show my face when I’m camera ready… And that’s only on special occasions. Now I vicariously Vlog through Chris Crocker!!!
Well it’s time for me to go perform for my beloved fans ( I gotta go wash my hair)!!!

Love Ya from The Moon and Back,
Emily ( if you heard the things I want to do to these freaking ovaries right now… OOOO girl you wouldn’t believe it!)

June…Is It you?

HELLO JAN… I mean JUNE!!! I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be warm, not freaking 55 degrees!!! Mother Nature you have got to get your shit together girl. It’s not cute anymore. I understood having this kind of weather in April… But home girl we are officially in June. Stop yourself before you go to far. This time of year is supposed to be warmer weather for us in the east coast of the U.S. I’m not sure if you got your A countries/continents mixed up but we’re north AMERICA… not AUSTRALIA, where they are in fall going into winter. Here in North AMERICA it’s spring going into summer. I just thought I should clarify that for you because girl what ever your smoking, it must be some real good shit.
I’m over my rant about the weather, on to something else.
This weekend I got to see all my slutties in one place! That’s a rarity to catch us all together in one place. We were doing the Arthritis walk for Mamasitas daughter Princess Peach. The whole crew showed up even some extras like Mamasitas daughter who I already named and Mamasitas son Yoshi. Ooo one of our other sluttos was there,let’s call him the Green-Eyed Mofo… And Mama and Papa Moon made cameos. So it was a pretty amazing weekend!
Have you ever been in the zone when your driving, and when your at a red light you look around and make eye contact with the driver next to you. Well, that happened to me today… twice, and all at the same red light. I should’ve just stopped and looked forward when I made eye contact with the lady standing at the bus stop. But no why would I do that, as I turned my head to the right, I had a feeling that shit would get weird. Of course it did… I looked over and looked right into this guys eyes, it was so weird I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I smiled awkwardly and waved, meanwhile the guy had already looked away and drove off, so I basically looked like a creep. Ooo wellz… Ta ta for now.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,
Emily ( the weird person that makes eye contact with people)