Month: May 2015

Cinco De Mayo!!

I know, I know it’s May 6th now but what evs bruh.

Yesterday some weird shit happened to me. I woke up thinking I was in some type of Zombie Apocalypse. I roll out of bed looking for my Zombie Survival Kit, which includes: my rifle with extra ammo, machete, cargo pants, hiking boots, extra pairs of socks (because everyone knows you need extra socks just incase your feet get wet…derf you need to change your socks…I learned from countless War related movies), of course my Hunger Games Bow and Arrow is in my kit…if you were wondering I have Katnis Everdeen Skills (well that’s what the archery game I play on my phone tells me). So when I fully woke up I was like WTF am I doing and what year is it? I must have had some extremely realistic Zombie dream. Some might think it’s a nightmare…not me, I think I would be freaking amazing in a Zombie Apoclypse. What I’m trying to say here kids is you should not play The Last of Us, well really any Zombie or other Apocalyptic type of video games before going to bed…because shit got real for me.

So after my brush with the zombies that morning, this overwhelming need to be extra Hispanic came over me. Don’t get me wrong I’m super proud to be Hispanic, but if you really got to know me you would understand that I’m probably less Spanish than my Irish friends, truth. So as I was saying, I was feeling real Spanish yesterday…and I had no clue why. So I went on with my day jamming to my entire collection of favorite Spanish artist… from iHeart… because I don’t have an actual collection because you know I’m super American. Anyway I finally realized that the spanishness seeping through my veins is because it was Cinco de Mayo. No I’m not Mexican, I’m Dominican, but Hispanic is Hispanic nah mean… and I do love anything that is celebrated by drinking. Salude (cheers).

So on Sunday I was walking into the living room and I saw a commercial for DWTS (Dancing With The Stars) and just in case you didn’t know I might be slightly obsessed with Derek Hough…I mean DWTS, hehehehe. So when I walked into the living room my mom was there and I started breaking out my super AWESOME dance moves. You know I was Tangoing, Paso Dobleing (I think I spelled it right besides the ING at the end)… keeping my frame up…yea that’s right I know some dance terms. As I was showing my mum my mad dance skills (which I think I would definitely get a 10 from LEN and the other judges) I asked her “I could totes be on dancing with the star…right mum?” her response was “Yea, but you have one problem…you need to be a star”. I know right…HURTFUL!! I had some choice words for her like, you big meanie… you’re my mother!!!

OOOO before I forget…so today was supposed to be my first time as a Juror. When I first got the summons I was like, are they crazy they can’t give me this kind of power. I can’t handle the pressure what if I send an innocent person to jail for not paying their street sweeper ticket. Those freaking street sweepers are freaking annoying, they don’t clean shit… They just push it to the other side of the street. Sorry I got side tracked, okay so after I got used to the idea of being a juror I thought… “This is gonna be pretty awesome I can’t wait to say, You just got Lawyered!! Suckas!!”. I’m pretty sure the Supreme Court heard my thoughts because as soon as that popped into my head I got an email saying I wasn’t needed anymore! Rude, after all the preping I did.

On that note, Andele andele mami, E.I. E.I.

Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What’s poppin tonight? (Nelly, you my Dude!)

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Happy belated Cinco de Mayo)image1-2

Am I A Gold-Digger?

Nothing too B.A.N.A.N.A.S. sandwich happened this weekend. I went to IKEA and realized that I only like shopping in IKEA…I tried writing IKEA with you know, the (I) being capitalized and the rest of the letters lower case, but It’s not as aesthetically pleasing to the eye… Ikea…see what I mean, I don’t like it. As I was saying I only like shopping at IKEA online. I cannot deal with the walking around in circles and having to walk throughout the whole store to get to what I’m looking for. If you haven’t been to IKEA, let me break it down for you. The store is laid out like a gallery; everything is set up by the section of the house they should be in, like everything that goes in a bedroom is in the bedroom section, the bathrooms, the kitchens, the kids rooms…and blah blah blah. So on Saturday Boobielicious and I went to look around and I was kind of sort of looking for a bookshelf but not really, any way it took us like twenty minutes to get to that section, and by the time I got there I wanted nothing to do with bookshelves. Of course I still looked at them though, since it practically took us three hours to find them! After we passed the bookshelves it took us another hour to get out of the store because we had to follow the freaking arrows to get out. Moral of the story I shant return to IKEA!

If you remember on Vino Viernes I gave everyone the 411 on how to gauge a woman’s mood by the amount of Oreos she’s consumed. Well I think I might have another doozer for you.

Again based on obvious scientific facts, I’m going to let you know, how you know the man/woman your about to go on a first date with is a keeper. Now you must remember, this only works as a first date thing. If you’re on like date five, I’m sorry to tell you but your shit outta luck, I got nothing for you… maybe next time. So it’s pretty simple… if your date takes you to lets say Applebees for your FIRST DATE you might have to tell homeboy/homegirl to get to steppin. He/she’s only taking you there so he/she can do some two for $20 action, HOW RUDE (thank you Stephanie Tanner for your wise words)!! This is the one time you’re supposed to impress this person…it’s like they always say (I’m not sure who they are but they say this) first impressions can make or break you, I feel like somewhere in the world this has been said. And no I’m not a gold-digger…anymore…hehehehe I joke I joke (now I ain’t saying she a gold-digger, but she aint messin with no broke n****… thank you Kanye I couldn’t have said it better my self) any other time Applebees is the spot…especially after 10pm for those half price apps (appetizers). I just feel it’s not a first date kind of place. Now if your date takes you to Red Lobster, Joe’s Crab Shack, or Olive Garden that mofo is in it for the long haul…if he/she likes it or not, they’re stuck with you for life…bwuhahahaha!!! You know your date is going to be dropping a decent amount on this date…okay so I might, slightly be a gold digger…live with it, I am. You might ask “Emily the Great how do you come up with this geniusness?” Well my child this is how it went down. I was walking by a Red Lobster and turned to Boobielicous and was like “Yo if a dude brought me to Red Lobster, or Joe’s Crab Shack on a first date, that mofo is a keeper…you know he’s gonna be dropping dough cuz these mother-Fers (obviously I cursed forreals then) are expensive”. Voila, the science behind my theory! So sad, It’s that time again…don’t miss me too much!

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (re-formed Gold Digger…kinda)

Vino Viernes!!!

OMG!!! it feels like I was just writing and drinking for last weeks Vino Viernes, it might be because all my days just kind of blend into one another.

As most of you should know by now I’m a huge advocate of Barefoot Wine!!! I just love it, even if it does taste like I’m drinking sand paper!!! It’s the best sand paper I’ve ever had. Yesterday my friend Houdini told me about this wine brand that he likes, its called Cupcake and that I should try it for Vino Viernes!! Sooooo guess what wine I’m trying…. that’s right I’m drinking Cupcakes Zinfandel (this isn’t the wine Houdini told me he liked…he likes the Merlot; this was just one of the bottles I found…and yes I said one of the bottles because if I was trying a red one I’m trying a white one but that’s for next week). I’ve told you guys before that I have no clue how to describe wines, or what wine pairs best with whatever food, but today I can tell you that this wine taste like freaking twigs!! Like Grandmother Willow was stomping on these grapes with her branchy ass stumps and dropped a couple twigs and berries, if you know what I mean. I thought I used to get bad cottonmouth after a night of drinking…this COTTON MOUTH I HAVE RIGHT NOW RIVALS ALL COTTON MOUTHS!! And my glass is still a little more than half full!! Excuse me Cupcake I would like a glass of wine with my COTTON!! I even tried putting some Sprite in this bitch, but I think the sprite was scared because homeboy is nowhere to be found!!

Since todays brand of wine is called Cupcake I decided to stay in the dessert aisle for today.

When I got out of work yesterday I was in the mood for something sweet. So I stopped at a store on my way to my car and bought some Oreos. On my drive home while I ate my Golden Double Stuf’d Oreos, I thought this is a perfect way to figure out where a girls head is at… you know to see if she’s in a good mood or BITCH DON’T EVEN LOOK IN MY VICINITY. Just so you all know this is purely scientific facts, so obviously this is all correct…because I’m like a super duper Scientist. The tools needed are the Jumbo box of Oreos (can be found at your local Sam’s, BJs, Costco…wherever you buy your bulk sized goods…it brings about 8-10 sleeves of Oreos). Keep in mind the flavor and stuf’dness of the Oreo comes into great consideration. Lets just say anything Double Stuf’d your kinda in pre-menstruation mode already, so beware anything can happen. The regular kind vary… if you’re buying seasonal ones your just testing those, so those don’t count…unless they’re the new Red Velvet ones…Giiiiirl them shits are DEEEELISH… eat as many as you can!!

So here’s the Oreo Mood Finder Breakdown.

4-6 cookies: is just because you didn’t want to buy the while bag of Oreo’s so you just bought those small “snack” packets

1-1.5 sleeves of cookies: well that’s just a normal day, watching T.V.

2-4 sleeves of cookies: now were starting to enter pre-Menstruation mode, and would likey bite someones arm if they try to take the cookies away because, they think “it’s for your own good”. Also would probably cry at the drop of a dime.

Anything 5 and up: MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY… full menstruation going on and/or I’m sorry to tell you this but if you didn’t know yet CONGRATS your: expecting, bun in the oven, knocked up, some spermulators got all up in your eggnog, or you know the most common term PREGNANT!

Well ladies and gentlemen your very welcome for this insider info!! Dueces!

 

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (Your Oreo Guru)