Month: April 2015

I won the Lotto… Or I thought I did!

Soooo today I’ve decided to tell you the time I thought I won the lotto! A couple of weeks ago I had this crazy dream that I won the Cash 4 Life (when you win $1,000 a day for the rest of your life…pretty freaking sweet!!). I know I was freaking jumping off, I mean literally jumping off the walls. I was practically levitating, that probably should have clued me in that I was dreaming, but my dream felt so realistic. You know what else should have helped me realize that I was dreaming; was the fact that after I looked at the numbers on my lotto ticket and realized I won, my bank account balance became rather large extremely quick (which of course I wasn’t complaining). I’m pretty sure though that that’s not how it works. Like I don’t think the NJ Lotto Department (whatever the heck they’re called) has your bank info and just direct deposits the money to your account…or does it, because I’ve never won so I probably shouldn’t be talking all this caca.

In my dream I was feeling extremely generous. I paid off all my parents bills, they’re house, they’re cars, I paid off all of they’re debt and I sent them on some extravagant vacation. Another reason I should have known this was a dream…not that I wouldn’t do all that for them because I would in a heart beat if I had the money, but I know that Daddy Moon wouldn’t be caught dead on an air plane. If he can’t drive there he ain’t going (his words not mine). As I was saying I was feeling so generous that after I paid off all of my bills and all that school loan debt…(Dear Sallie Mae, I hate your sinking guts, you make me vomit, you’re the scuuuum between my toes. Love (Hate you) Emily… I freaking love The Little Rascals). What the heck was I saying again…ooo right so after I paid off all my stuff I decided I would pay off my brothers’ debt and pay for my cousins tuition. I know what your thinking… Gosh Darn it even in this wonderful womans dream state she is still the kindest, most generous, most AWESOME soul you’ll ever meet in your freaking life. I wish I could meet her, she sounds amazeballz. The next morning when I woke up, Ladies tell’em I woke up like this…I woke up like this…FLAWLESS (thank you Queen B…Beyonce for those of you that don’t know…and you should be ashamed if you didn’t know who I was talking about… shame shame shame), sorry you should know by now I can’t help breaking out into song and movie quotes
(it’s the tiny Performer I keep in my pocket that just needs to be let free). So when I woke up I was so freaking excited I went straight from my phone, you’d think I’d check my bank account…NOPE, I checked Instagram first… I’m telling you Instagram is a drug, and I’m a freaking addict!

Any who after I checked Instagram, and realized at 6:30 in the morning people are usually still sleeping and no ones really Instagraming (should there be two M’s..Instagramming?), I checked my bank account super excited to find all this dough…TO HAVE MY DREAM SHATTERED… I was just as broke as I was when I first went to sleep. What a freaking horrible way to start off your day, am I right? And on top of everything else it was Monday and that on itself is a suckfest. After I convinced myself not to throw my phone across the room (because obviously it wasn’t the phones fault that my bank account didn’t know that the dream should have been real…I’m totes not over it if you couldn’t tell), so I talked my self off the ledge, and started wondering what I would really do if I won the Lotto. I hope that I can be just as good a person as my dream self was. I know I would definitely do anything and everything I can for my parents, but I hope I can somehow help other people in need, that would be an amazing feeling. Well thanks for getting through this re-telling of my dream… your lucky, my dream used to be much more detailed when I was younger. I would’ve had you here for days.

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily (Still broke as hell…but loving my life)

PS. What would you do if you won the Lotto? (ponder that, shall we)

Colorful FRIENDS!!

Has anybody had one of those weekends or days even, where you don’t do anything crazy but it was still probably the best time you’ve had.

Well that basically sums up this weekend for me. Saturday night was one of the best nights I’ve had in a while. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary and I absolutely loved it. I spent my Saturday with my favorite Hermanitas (sisters)…I just realized that I have a couple sisters that are my friends…(I swears I love you all…MUAH!!). Any who I hung out with Indigo and Royal Blue, I’ve been friends with these two for as long as I can remember…well I met Indigo through Royal Blue. Royal Blue and I went to Elementary school together and till this day we have no clue how we became friends or even how we met. But I’ve never been more thankful to be able to call these two amazing, talented and B.E.A.UTIFUL people my friends/sisters. Sorry for getting emotional on you there, I just finished listening to Ribbon in The Sky by Stevie Wonder, and let me tell you that dude knows how to pull those heart strings man!

Anyway we spent our night drinking Vino (two big ass bottles), smoking Hookah, and talking crap ranging from: reminiscing about the crazy stuff we used to do, marriage, our book club, will Derek Hough return to DWTS (Dancing With The Stars) to… who would you rather, you know do the nasty with, Derek Hough or Mark Ballas? Sorry Mark you’re a cutie, but I just have this obsession with Dereks… and you know Derek Hough is DEEELISH!! hehehe. We did that who would you rather, you know do the nasty with, for what seemed like hours with a hole bunch of different famous people. Do you know how hard it is to think of celebrities to match up against each other… well I’ll tell you, it was pretty hard man. On any other day I could have told you the persons: full name, where they came from, what movies, shows, music, or sport that person played, but on the day I actually needed this useless information I couldn’t think of anyone’s name. I could see the peoples face perfectly in my head but I couldn’t think for their names to save my life; It’s a good thing I had Google to help me though, because I still would have been saying… you know that guy with face in that movie with the people, and you know the one with the really nice ass. The best part had to be our version of lipsync/rap battle, it was freaking HIGHlarious; I haven’t laughed that hard in what feels like forever (for-ev-er,FOR-EV-ER…gotta love The Sandlot). I say good day to you all!giphy

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (must say in british accent…We Literally drank two big arse bottles of Wine…two)

P. motherFING S. WHY SHONDA RHIMES WHY… How could you do that to me…DEREK FREAKING SHEPHERD… WHY!!! Hasn’t’ Meredith been through enough shit in her life. HOLY CRAP! This woman knows how to ruin a persons perfectly good Thursday night…DAMN BRUH!

Vino Viernes!!!

IMG_0539Grrrrrr, ruff ruff…. Stop, Drop, Shut’em Down open up shop…OOOO NOOOO that’s how Ruff Ryders Roll (Thank You DMX and the Ruff Ryders for that amazing intro). For the past two days I’ve been feeling real Gangsta…nah mean!! Yesterday I was in the mood to listen to some Tupac Radio on iHeartRadio (which basically consists of obvisously the man Tupac, Snoop Dogg, Biggie, Dmx, Mobb Deep, Big Pun, and all that good stuff), and I haven’t stopped listening since. This morning the song by NWA, you know the one (F the police) came on and of course I drive right by a cop car. I felt like he/she heard it and was going to pull me over and I was freaking out, but then I looked in my rearview (like five exits later… because you know, I didn’t want to attract anymore attention to my self by constantly looking back and slowing done…I swear there was some logic in that) and when I glanced up that cop was no where to be found. Yasssss!!!!

On my way home I was feeling extremely proud of my self for escaping the cops (earlier in the morning) that I was about to go to a tattoo place and get THUG LIFE tattooed across my belly (I didn’t do it by the way… my mom doesn’t approve of the tattoos I have now imagine if I came home with that…my ass would’ve be kicked out). In the middle of my bars (I hear that’s what rappers call it) of Biggies Juicy, I started thinking…holy shit I was like younger than 10 when I first heard these songs and I was rapping along to them then like a boss. But then you think about the things these rappers were saying… scandalous, I feel like the Thug Life gods have just revoked my lifetime pass!!!

Okay on a completely different subject, WTF IS GOING ON WITH THIS KYLIE JENNER CHALLENGE!! Are these kids stupid!!!! What do these kids expect is going to happen by sucking their lips into these shot glasses or whatever the hell they’re using; that they’re going to get these B.E.A.UTIFUL full lips. NEWS FLASH MOFOS that is only attainable if you were either born with them or get some work done on them, nah mean jellybean. I swear these kids are freaking nuts these days…and I thought I was freaking crazy when I was younger. I just don’t understand why these teenagers are trying to emulate another person. Just be yourself and love what was given to you. LOVE YOURSELF PEOPLE!!

OM YEEZUS!! THIS VINO IS GETTING TO ME BRAH!!! I’ M A LITTLE LIGHT HEADED!!! I’m trying a new Vino for tonights occasion its Barefoot Shiraz. It’s not really my cup of tea, but I’m still drinking it because I can’t say no to Vino. It’s a drier wine than what I like, but I put some Sprite in that shit and made my self THE most DEEEELISH Red Wine Spritzer!!!

OOOO so I took another Facebook quiz yesterday. The quizzes name is Which Five-Letter word describes you perfectly? And apparently not only do my friends and family think I’m CRAZY but so does Facebook. I don’t know if I should be offimage1ended or… actually I’m okay with it. You, Facebook, you know me well!! On that note I say good day. This wine is about to have me laid out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (This post makes absolutely no sense and. I. LOVE IT!!!)

P.S. AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON COMES OUT NEXT FRIDAY!!!! AHHHHH!!!!

Childhood Memories Ruined!!!

It’s official people I can’t run away from it any more. I am TWENTY FREAKING FIVE years old. I am a quarter of a century old, I was even told that I am now two and a half decades old and it sucks big walrus balls. I’m pretty sure I have at least ten… grey? or gray? hairs…this color is freaking cuntfused (confused, but as I’ve said before I like to make up words from already made words…and I feel like cuntfused really makes a point) why is there two spellings for this one color anyway…WTF. Okay anyway, I even think my eyesight is going and I can’t hear as well as I did on Monday…every time I move now I swear I can hear my bones creaking… idk man this old age is getting to me. I just have so many emotions right now, it’s the freaking worst (you’re the worst you know what you’ve done to me, and although it hurts I know, I just can’t keep running away…this song just expressed what’s going on in my heart and soul right now about being 25, without even knowing it…daaaayum!! Thanks Jhene Aiko). Okay. Okay. I’m done being melodramatic I shall move on.

So my mum kind of ruined my picture perfect memories of a couple of my birthday parties when I was younger. I remember it like it was yesterday…okay it was actually on Sunday…we (meaning my brother, father and mother) were on our way to Sports Authority; I’m not really sure how the topic of past birthday parties came up, but I was like “guys remember when we used to go ice-skating for my birthday” but my mum shut that shit down real quick by saying…”we only went ONE time”… I felt like she really meant to say…”are you crazy we only went once stupid” (childhood memories crushed). For some reason I always thought that we used to go ice-skating for my birthday, but apparently I was wrong. I always remember having the best time ever with my friends (more like sisters from other misters…I want to give them names but I’m having the hardest time thinking of good ones right now…I think its my old ass, quarter of a century, two and a half decade brain being a douche) and my brother and his friends (his friends were actually my friends brothers…so it was just a big family event…or so I thought) any way we were always together when we were younger. This week I come to find out we only went ice-skating ONE time for my birthday. Where the hell was I getting all these amazing images of me being an Olympic Gold Medalist Ice-Dancing Queen?

Yesterday morning I was listening to Elvis Duran and the morning show and they were talking about little things people do that piss you off. I never noticed how many little things get me mad (clearly a color having more than one spelling really gets me going). One guy that called into the show said that it pisses him off when he sees people eating their cheeseburgers upside down, and that got me thinking…that shit pisses me off too. There’s a reason it’s called a top and bottom bun…like eat it the RIGHT WAY BRUH!!! So now I’m on a roll, I start thinking of all these things that just piss me off. Like when your at a red light and the thing just turned GREEN LIKE HALF A SECOND AGO AND THE ASSHOLE BEHIND YOU BEEPS THEIR STUPID ASS HORN AT ME…OOOO THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUT MY CAR IN REVERSE RAM THE SHIT OUT OF DOUCHEBAGS CAR…GO FORWARD AND REPEAT AT LEAST TWO TIMES THAN PUT MY CAR IN PARK, GET OUT AND GO POKE YOU IN THE EYEBALL YOU JACK ASS!!!! I’m sorry I got a little carried away and I only gave one example… And I’m already pissed this needs to stop.

OMG…a funny thing happened to me yesterday; when I was driving to work I got hit by a freaking rock in the back of my head. Mind you I was in my car on the freaking turnpike. My window was only a smidge open and that freaking rock pegged me hard as hell, and it scared the crap out of me… for some reason I thought my roof fell on me, but I’m preeeetty sure that would have hurt a lot more. I’ve decided to say goodbye in song… and now I’m bout to throw them deuces up… deuces (that was Chris Browns song…just incase you didn’t know).

IMG_0524Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (I’m so old now… I can’t even think of anything good to put here)

P.S. Don’t judge my white ashy hands…I know your thinking it, because that’s the first thing I noticed!

Four-Twenty (4/20)!!!

Happy Four-Twenty for all my pot heads/stoners out there!!! Today is your day to be free and smoke that: Ganja, that Mary Jane, that Weed, that good shit, that dope, that… okay I ran out of other ways to say marijuana…sorry I’m not really savvy in that department. For those of you that don’t know what 4/20 means (besides it being the 20th day in April, and obviously the day before my glorious birth) you shall find out right now!!! As my trusty Urban Dictionary has told me it’s a “smoking holiday”.

I learned about 4/20 in high school and I never really cared to look into why people get souped (I threw it back old school with that one kid, I’m just not sure if I spelled it right…sooped? Souped? Idk…whatever). Any way I never understood why people were so excited to smoke on this particular day when they smoked every other day…it made no sense to me. But today I’m going to look up (using Google of course, because Google is life and anybody who disagrees can shove it up their bum holes) the origin and meaning of 4/20.

I have returned after 20 mins of looking up the meaning of 4/20, and I’m just as confused as I was when I first started. Wikipedia just blabbed on about blah blah blah consumption of cannabis…blah blah blah cannabis subculture… blah blah blah cannabis itself. See what I mean, Lost as F…bleep. So I shall tell you what I think it means… it means; just go smoke some ganj with some of your home skillets (no I don’t mean frying pans…that’s just another way I say homies or “friends”) talk crap about what life means…you know get all philosophical and shit, and just munch out later.

In the spirit of Four-Twenty, I’ve decided with the help of two of my slutties (Big Booty Judy and Sluttie McSlutterson) and a slutto… a male sluttie, I couldn’t think of anything better at the moment I’ll make something real good up next time…(the gigolo…I don’t think I like this one I think I like slutto better…okay any way Sluttos name is Frienemy). Today we were talking about past (pass the dutch baby… shake shake shake your stuff ladies… that was courtesy of Missy Elliot) sorry I got distracted, past experiences we’ve had with Jane…Mary Jane…and I’ve decided to share two of my experiences with you lunatics. The first time I had some of that good shit I was like… okay I’m not going to incriminate my self and say how old I was because you know mum reads this…any way I was at a friends house and while I was at this persons house I started getting paranoid and wondering “holy shit what if my mum sees my eyes and just knows what I’ve been doing or “ and then I lost my train of thought because ganja did that to me on the reg (regular…I like to shorten words because I like how they sound). The next thing I remember from that day was having the WORST cottonmouth ever, wanting to eat everything in sight, and of course having the BEST sleep of my life!

This next time was the most recent and last time I ever smoked Mrs. Jane (I feel like if marijuana was a real lady she would be a married, respectable lady just trying to make some dough for her four kids and her Marine Vet Husband…idk, that’s just me). It was about five or six years ago and a couple of my friends from school (one of the many I’ve attended…I could seriously be a spokes person for indecisive people) as I was saying, a couple of my friends and I hot boxed in a car (for those who don’t know what hot boxed means: when you smoke in a small room, closet, bathroom, or in my case a car… where there are no open windows or doors, basically no where the smoke can escape to…it is only allowed to go in your mouth and nostrillies…nostrils I like to make up words from already made words). We smoked so many different kinds of weed, I didn’t know that was freaking possible, but we did; and I became a little on the sickly side. Once we got out of the car Slutty McSlutterson and I started walking to our dorm and I told her “yo I don’t feel good I think I have to throw up”, where she turned around and said some variation of… not out here stupid. But I either didn’t want to listen or I just couldn’t hold it in. I personally think I couldn’t hold it in, but who knows I was kind of an asshole
(still am at times)…so I looked around to make sure there was no CP (Campus Police) and threw up on the side of my dorm. After I threw up though I was totes (totally…I’ve already explained to you why I do this) ready for some munchies! Okie Dokie, I’ve said waaaaay too much and now it’s time for me to go…Peace Out Dudes!

The_73a028_1595659 Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (I swears I don’t do that stuff anymore…but I’m not opposed to eating some special brownies *wink*)

 

Vino Viernes!!!

Did ya miss me?.. Did ya miss me?…huh huh. I bet you thought I forgot about Vino Viernes in my old, senile, deteriorating age (25 in 4 fucking days), by the way I will never forget if it has to do with Wine. I’m sorry I cursed I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. The closer and closer I get to that day that shan’t be said out loud (What your TWENTY-FIFTH BIRTHDAY…stop being a little bitch Em. Just accept it sucka, you old. Shut your face Delilah, You. Are. Such. A. DICK!) I feel like I should just say sorry now because I’m sure there are times where apologizes will be needed; when I drink, Delilah likes to make appearances. So about my old age, last weeks Vino Viernes was a trial run and I’ve come to the realization that I can’t hang anymore. Sooooo I will be writing after work on Fridays; I’m telling you last week was a bitch! I looked and felt like a Zombie (well I’m guessing how I felt is how Zombies feel all the time… just saying).

The closer we get to April 21st the more depressed and melodramatic I become. A couple of days ago my mum asked what we should do for the birthday of her favorite child (okay she didn’t say the whole favorite child thing, but I know she wanted to…sorry Snot Rocket). So I told her that we’d skip the festivities this year and that we’ll just celebrate next year, after I’ve gotten used to being, you know that age after 24 (TWENTY-FIVE… just say it man… Dang it Delilah!!!) okay before that slore interrupts again…I remembered that next year I’ll be 26 and declared we shall no longer celebrate Birthdays anymore (blah, blah, blah….stop whining so much). Since Delilah doesn’t want to shut the hell up I’m just going to let her write tonight, go-ahead whore.

Finally she let me out….I’M FREE!!! Hey. Hey. Heeey it’s Delilah bitches! Okay so three of our other slutties…see how I say OUR at least I include Emily, that slut bag only yells at me, and she says SHE’S the nice one; I beg to differ. As I was saying three of our other slutties Cosmopolitan, Tequila Sunrise and Long Island Ice Tea (okay so you might think I’m an alcoholic, but I’m just keeping it in the spirit of Vino Viernes, well and I do love me so liquor); on normal days their names are MelloYellow, Crazy Bat(Man) Lady and Super Sugar-Titz. They mentioned Sugar Daddies, Sugar Mamas, Cougars and Jaguars, older men that go for younger women. Emily and I were like YAAASS BITCH YAAAASSS, were writing about that (well more me than Emily…she doesn’t like to offend people…or so she says, you should hear all the shit that comes out of her mouth).

I wants me a Sugar Daddy and no I don’t mean that Caramel Creation on a stick, but I wouldn’t mind some caramel on my men *wink*(holy bananas Delilah…this shit is bananas B.A.N.A.N.A.S… mum might read this you doof. Stop being a baby Em). Any way I’m totally talking about a man that has mula, money, dinero, ching ching and can buy me things…you know what I’m sayin. Long Island Ice Tea said she wouldn’t mind being a cougar, but wouldn’t want to be a sugar baby or a sugar mama, because she aint trying to give money to no one. For me, I wants me a sugar daddy, but I aint doing shit for that so I would probably be a sugar baby FAILURE…bwuhahahaha. Tequila Sunrise on the other hand wants to know what these males and females do to keep they’re sugars happy. She thinks there’s a lot of disgusting oral going on and uncomfortable sodomy; which of course had me ROTFL (Rolling On The Floor Laughing…for those un-savvy with the text lingo).

So basically my friends wanted to know how these type of relationships work? When does being a sugar baby turn into prostitution, and what are people willing to do to be a sugar baby and for how much? Let us know what your thinking people! Delilah Out!

 

Love ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (Sorry about that crazy whore, I can’t help it)

P.S. We are drinking Barefoot’s Sweet Red again because my brother bought me a big ass bottle and we had some left over. I promise next week we’ll try a different Wine.

Waaaaay Back Wednesday!!!

“On Wednesdays, we wear pink”. You might be wondering why I quoted Mean Girls, and my reasons are:

  1. Because I felt like it
  2. Why not
  3. Whenever you can quote a movie, especially Mean Girls, you go on and quote that movie till you little nugget heart desires.
  4. Mean Girls is the Bomb Dot Com and one should live by it
  5. Because I did my favorite thing ever… I took another one of those Facebook/Buzzfeed quiz I love oh so much.

The name of the quiz is…drum roll please… I said…drum roll please…Damn it Tony pay attention (*throws chair at Tony*)!! Sorry I just had a Whiplash moment… if you haven’t seen Whiplash yet, IT’S. A. MUST. , That movie is amazing. As I was saying the name of the quiz is… tatatatatatata (thank you Tony that was beautiful) Which One Of The Plastics Are You? I got freaking Cady Heron! IMG_0427Honestly who wants to be Cady…besides the whole living in South Africa, which sounds pretty cool, she’s too nice…BORING! I wanted to be Regina George. She is freaking amazing…she’s such a bitch and I love it . I think its HIGHlarious, aaaand I’m also slightly obsessed with Rachel McAdams. Although, I do like Fetch (even if Regina kept shutting it down… “Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It’s not going to happen.”) I can TOTES make Fetch happen.

Keeping in the spirit of High School I did a little reminiscing and a small amount of threatening bodily harm with my friends yesterday through group text. While I was at work there was a customer and her kids names were Emily and Fable (that’s not the boys real name by the way). Any who, in high school I had the biggest crush on a guy named “Fable”, he’s my brothers friends brother, and okay it was more than a crush it t’was LOVE…the truest love of them all…hehehehe (I laugh through my pain). So I decided to text my friends to tell them what I always knew was true…that we were meant to be… I just wasn’t sure if it was in a happily married with like 9 kids situation or if we were just meant to be siblings …so I’m kinda pissed at you FATE!!! How could you break my heart more than it already is? If you’re wondering why I shan’t be with the former (okay maybe I’m not totally over it…I’m holding out till he gets married…because I’m not a home wrecker, well I hope I’m not, I’ve never been in that situation) any way, the former love of my life is currently in a relationship; with some Whore…okay she’s probably not a whore I don’t even know this girl, she’s probably one of the nicest people ever, but I don’t care!!! It’s the principle that matters okay…sheesh! She’s a thief, even though he was never technically mine… blah blah blah, whatevs! I think I reminisced too much and the teenager inside has emerged. On that note, I’m out this bitch.

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily ( the 15 year old inside me is crying…holy crapola it’s been 10 years I needs to get over this ish)

P.S. I want to say Happy Birthday to Ditzy Doodle, one of my slutties, Love you Slore ( slut whore for those that don’t know what that means).

I’m Alive!!!

I survived!!!! I will survive for as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive… sorry I couldn’t help myself I love to burst into song and dance, I swear I should have been a part of Glee or something. The only reason I ever wanted to be a Disney Princess was just so I can randomly sing and no one would even look twice. If I did that now in my non-musical life people would look at me like I’m crazy or on drugs; I already get strange looks when I’m singing in the comfort of my own car…is there no respect any more!!! Oh so you know how some people…okay maybe I shouldn’t say people, let me rephrase that, so I sometimes…okay you caught me again… I ALWAYS wish my life were like the movies I watch. When ever I come out of a movie theatre (this is the correct way to spell it people!!!) I always tell my friends “yoo I could totally be an assassin, a race car driver, a secret spy, a princess… you know basically what ever I just watched gosh DON’T JUDGE ME!!

Any way, what I was saying before I rudely interrupted my self is that, either my Mum didn’t read what I wrote on Friday (you know my underage drinking) or she has chosen to Let it Go (Let it Go, can’t hold it back any more) as Queen Elsa would sing (by the way my mum hates this song…bwuhahahaha…yes t’was my evil laugh). Because I’M ALIVE!!!!! I’M ALIVE!!!

Sooooo this weekend was THE most eventful weekend I’ve had in a long ass time. I know, I know most of you must think that I lead a very exciting, adventurous and extravagant life. WRONG!! It’s just the opposite actually, the most risk-taking thing I do is let Max from Netflix (get the MAX from Netfliiiiix ooooo…that’s one of the jingles they have…it makes me laugh) pick out what I’m going to watch next. OMG Scandalous, I know. But this weekend was different, my super sluttie friends and I went to see a show in NYC on Saturday!!! IT. WAS. AMAZEBALLZ. The show was about the not so happily ever after of the Disney Princesses. I was ROTFL the whole time (that was rolling on the floor laughing, for those who aren’t text lingo savvy…your welcome). My friends and I all found our Princess soul mate on that stage. I was Mulan, Frover was Snow White, Big Booty Judy was Sleeping Beauty, Boobielicious was Rapunzel, Ditzy Doodle (by the way she did NOT like this name..bwuhahahaha) was Cinderella, Slutty McSlutterson was Belle, and Mamasita was The Little Mermaid. If you ever get a chance you should definitely go see this, its called Disenchanted, and I promise you you’ll have an amazing time.

So I came face to face with my arch nemesis this weekend…duh duh duuuuuh (thanks Tim that was B.E.A UTIFUL…give a round of applause for Tim my pianist…HAAAAA Pianist… sorry but that shit cracks me up) As I was saying….my arch nemesis…duh duh duuuuuuh….NUTELLA!!! I went to breakfast sunday morning with two of my slutties (Slutty McSlutterson and Boobielicious) and McSlutterson decides she wants to get the Banana (this shit is bananas B.A.N.A.N.A.S) and Nutella crepe. I felt betrayed, how dare Mcslutterson order that bitch in front of me after everything that whorish Nutella did to me; that was until I tasted it…all I gots to say is…..DAAAAAYUMMM that was Deeeeelish. Of course I never let my slutties see how Nutella affected me (well until now), but hey Nutella… Call me!

Love Ya From the Moon and back,

Emily (Secret, not so secret anymore, Nutella lover)

 

P.S. I finally did my eyebrows this weekend YAAAASSSS… CUZ damn they almost became one brow.

Vino Viernes

Yassssss!!! Vino Viernes has finally arrived and I’m ready to DRINK!!!! We’re starting off with one of my favorites…Sweet Red by Barefoot… it’s so super SCRUM DIDILI-YUM-SHUS.

So when I wrote last week that Fridays would be wine night, I don’t think I fully thought this through. On days that I post something new I usually write the night before, sometimes even a couple days before, so I’m able to publish the post in the morning. That way it gives all these Lunatics that read this more time to enjoy the AWESOME (I’m telling you cheerleading was a god sent, that is how I learned to spell most words) that spews (Siri totes just helped me spell that) on to the page. Just in case you didn’t catch thaFullSizeRendert, Lunatics is what I’ve decided to call everyone that reads this because you can’t be normal to read anything that comes out of my dome (I just felt a little like a rapper…that was fun). As a wise Skully/Beanie (a winter hat that I sometimes where at home for no reason) once whispered to me “NORMAL IS BORING”.

Holy Hannah Montana…I just went through my instagram to look for a picture to show you guys and when I tell you that I look like an alcoholic, I am not joking. How does anybody take me serious with all this alcohol I drink, there was literally some type of mixed drink, beer, wine, and even a freaking FISH BOWL!!! A FISH BOWL people…this shit is Bananas (B.A.N.A.N.A.S… Gwen Stefani!!!) Liver 1 and Liver 2 (I know I should have more original names but I don’t) I’m sorry for all the damage I’ve caused you.

SO WHAT I WAS SAYING….ooops I forgot to un-caps… ummm (sorry lost my train of thought) what I was saying is that I usually write my posts the day before it comes out. But then if I did that it wouldn’t be Vino Viernes… so I think I’ve come up with a solution, this is going to be a test run. It is currently 12:17AM…FRIDAY YASSSS!!!! And I’m here sitting in my room doing some solo drinking in my B.E.A.UTIFUL (Jim Carrey, in Bruce Almighty, helped me spell that one) wine glass that one of my slutties (lets call her BOOBIELICIOUS) got me for Christmas. So I’m probably going to wake up late, hungover, and looking like a hot mess all morning because of my dedication to Vino Viernes and to all you Lunatics.

I’m going to talk a little bit about some of my slutties tonight. You’ve already met Frover (if your wondering it means Friend Lover) and Boobielicious, now you shall meet Sluttie McSlutterson, Big Booty Judy, Ditzy Doodle, and Mamasita. Frover and I have our own universe, where we live in a community full of gay black men, because we have a serious fetish…don’t judge my issues I won’t judge yours. Next, who you just met, is Boobielicious this sluttie has been around since I was a wee little lad, and we plan on going shopping after I get outta work later so I can get re-drunk at a friends B-Day party later on tonight…Boobielicious let him know I said Happy Belated BDAY!! Sluttie McSlutterson, I call her this so much that my phone (OH M YEZZUS… I can’t believe I haven’t named my phone… today is the day, we shall call him…Bartholomew), any who, Bartholomew already auto fills it in for me. HAHAHAHAHA!! Big Booty Judy…this sluttie is probably the craziest of us all…she needs to walk around with a warning sign that says “will say inappropriate things at all times”, but I loves it… it makes me feel less crazy. Ditzy Doodle just cracks me up all the time, she’s the girliest of us all and sometimes you just need someone who likes pink in your group, nah mean. Mamasita is the sexy beast that used to host our, lets just say not legal drinking age parties back in the day. Mum don’t read the line before this one okay…and if you already did don’t hold it against me I’m not in my right mind there’s Vino in my system, otherwise I wouldn’t have told you anything.

Well, ta ta for now, unless my mum grounds me for my past indiscretions… I was young and dumb mum…love you (*wink*)

 

Love Ya from the Moon and back,

Emily (hopefully you’ll here from me next week… if not Taily, my puppy nugget, gets everything I own… its in my Will)

Just a Day…Just an Ordinary Day

OOO Vanessa Carlton…kinda sorta love her. Last night I was watching Miss Congeniality (The first one though I’m not a big fan of the second), and it reminded me of the time when my Aunt (I called her Titz because it basically just shortened Titi…well not really same amount of letters… weeeell it was fun screaming it through stores) any who back to what I was saying… Titz and my mum (must be said with British accent) used to say my uncle (their brother..let’s call him Tio Platypus) was Miss Congeniality. I never understood why they would call him that because he was, well I don’t want to call him an asshole but if the shoe fits…okay no I joke it was just difficult to get along with him. He was nothing like Gracie Lou Freebush from New Jersey. So you understand why my 10-year-old mind was very confusedies. One day I asked my aunt why they called Tio Miss Congeniality when he was a meany (just remember this movie came out in 2000 I was a youngin…I wasn’t allowed to curse back then, well in front of grow-ups anyway). My aunt replied with a laugh and said “Mimi it’s because he’s an asshole.” I must have looked like I was trying to solve some algebraic crap (like I wrote before that’s not my cup of tea) because she decided to finally tell me she was being sarcastic. I said OOOO I get it, laughed and walked away (I had no clue what that meant either so I looked up the definition…bwuhahahaha). The moral of this story people is that that’s when my sarcasm and an evil genius was born…and thank goodness for that it’s much more fun to say mean things when it’s laced in sarcasm (you know not that I would ever say such mean things or anything, that’s all Delilah).

BASEBALL IS BAAAAAACK!!! I’ve lived and loved baseball for as long as I can remember. Although, when I was younger I used to get dragged to Snot Rockets, aka my brothers, games All. The. Time. Of course I hated going because I couldn’t play I could only watch, but that is where I met some of my closest friends, so It wasn’t all that bad (I’m sure our parents would say differently though). The running joke in my house was that I would come back dirtier than my brother and he’s the one that was supposed to be sliding around in dirt and grass (I did tell you that I was a demon child…I’m reformed now… I was a member of DCA…Demon Child Anonymous). Any way what I was trying to say is that right around that time when my homies and I used to sneak through broken gates at the little league to get to the park in the back (we were all under the age of 10 just so you know, hehehe good times) I fell IN LOVE with DEREK JETER (Derek Jeter, Baseball they’re basically the same thing)!!! He’s still and will always be the love of my life, but sadly I don’t think baseball is anymore. How am I supposed to watch the Yankees play without him, I honestly only used to watch the games for my husband (YES HE’S MY HUSBAND…SO BACK OFF!!!). Well I guess we’ll have to see what happens this season.

Before I bid you adieu there’s something that I’ve been wondering. Why isn’t there a gesture other than the middle finger to show the proper amount of anger, sorry Rufus and Mindy (those are my middle fingers names) you guys just aren’t given me what I need to express myself anymore. Like when a freaking cheese dick decides to cut you off in the middle of the freaking TURNPIKE and slow down instead of speeding up like a normal freaking human being… the middle finger just doesn’t cut it… I almost got out of my car and jabbed that MOFO in the throat. Well today was fun…until next time.

 

Love Ya from the Moon and Back,

Emily ( aka Mrs. Emily-Ann Jeter)